Good Riddance to a Bad Decade

It's the last day of the year, and in a few short days I'll also be another year older.

Looking back on the last 10 years, I wish I could say I've enjoyed them all. But, they've been difficult, to say the least.

Over the last decade I have:

Lost my 1st husky, Niki

Became a caretaker to my Mother

Found and then lost one of my greatest loves

Found one of the greatest places to work I've ever had,

Then that place fell apart.

Found what I thought were awesome coworkers and friends

Then found out that they weren't what they seemed

Had 4 knee surgeries

Had 2 other surgeries, one that came with a breast cancer scare

Lost my 2nd Husky Sheba

Put my Mom in a nursing home, and watched her rapidly deteriorate, until she begged me to let her die.....and then carried out her wishes.

Engaged in a battle with my only child over just about everything...and still are at war

Lost my 16 year old Cat, Smokey



A lot of bad stuff, indeed. But, now that this decade is only minutes away and ticking by rapidly, I've decided that all of that bad stuff is now going away. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

So, I've purged my home of many things that I feel are cluttering up my life, in symbolism of ridding myself of what I no longer want or need.

All good, from now on!

So, in practice of this new philosophy, I will start with bringing to the forefront what was good for me in the past decade, in spite of how much was very bad.



I learned TaeKwonDo, and as a result of achieving 3rd degree Black Belt, and 7 State Champ titles, I discovered my potential and my abilities, and learned a whole new concept of confidence and pride.

I found my passion for animal medicine

I found a Husky PUPPY, my sweet angel puppy Maija, who has been the light of my life.
I discovered in the betrayal of some friends, the true friends I do have
I rescued a beautiful, loving, gentle soul, my newest husky, Jax, who is quickly becoming the second light of my life.

I reconnected with old friends on Facebook

I discovered TWITTER, and as a result of my latest addiction, have some of the best twitter family in the world. LOVE YOU GUYS.

I reunited with a childhood neighbor and close friend of my Mom's from when I lived in Chicago, Danny, and his Mom, and visited them in San Antonio, and it moved me to tears to be that close to a piece of the old days when I had a Mom and a Dad. It was like having a little piece of my Mom back.

I learned how to ride a motorcycle, and as a result have a BEAUTIFUL 2007 Night Rod Special that is my biggest obsession to date, which makes me feel indescribably fantastic!
And I've learned what I am NOT and what I don't like or need.


And I've begun to blog, to put my creativity to use, and to help purge my never stopping thoughts from my head, and I hope that it will help me rest from now on.

So, as the decade closes, and I've purged what I no longer want or need from my life...
BE GONE: sadness, lonliness, insecurities, feeling unloved, anger, fear, guilt, anxiety, worries

I ask God, and the Universe for a new decade full of positives.
Happiness
Good Friends
To Love and Be Loved
Health
Financial independence
And a long, and joyful existence
Not just for me, but for all the ones I love and care about on this earth

Let the new decade be good to us all!

Have YOURSELF a Merry little Christmas

Let me first say this: I don't hate Christmas. I am not Scrooge. (I do, however, hate winter.)

Christmas is a wonderful, magical time for many. I'll give you that.
But remember, that for as many of you that enjoy it, there are many that don't, and for good reason.

Think about it...Holidays: family& friends, loved ones, giving, generosity, love. It's all beautiful. IF you have it. Some don't.

For many people the Holidays are a difficult period to have to deal with. Lots of you out there can't wait for the holidays to come around so you can celebrate with those you love. But there are those of us who see the Holidays as something that they can't wait to be over. And that's ok!
Don't try to make us 'cheer up' or 'get over it', or 'lighten up'. Because, you know...if we could, we WOULD! Christmas is a happy time for people who have: Loved ones who care enough about us to make us happy, Loved ones we care enough about to make THEM happy, young children full of joy and awe for the season, and FAMILY they can be close to..
Not everyone has all of that. Hell, some people have NONE of that!

Holidays are especially hard for those of us who have lost loved ones who were very close to us. It doesn't just go away, you don't just get over it. Telling someone to think of the happy times, and honor their memory, because they wouldn't want you to be unhappy, doesn't work. That's all well and good in theory, but let me tell you from personal experience that it doesn't fill the VOID that is left behind. Nothing will. We will get over it our own way, and in our own time.
Don't oversimplify solutions for us, it borders on condescension. Don't you think that if it was really that simple, we would just DO it? Trust me, no one WANTS to feel this bad. But handing out advice isn't going to help, it only makes us feel more dysfunctional and broken.

For some, the holidays are a time of GRIEVING what used to be, because we are bombarded by the 'ideals' (pressure) of family, joy, & happiness this time of year unlike any other. And, until we've had enough time to get past it, however much time that might be, just tell us you love us, and let us ask you for help if we WANT it. Ok? We love our friends for wanting to help us, but please let us do our own grieving in our own time and don't make us feel guilty for not living up to your expectations or standards, thank you.

Ghosts and Skeletons

Personal Inventory

I'm making my own list and checking it twice!
The year is drawing to a close, and so another birthday looms as well.
I've decided to take stock of my personal traits as I see them, and try to make sure the good list is the longer one!


The Good

Passionate
Loving
Enthusiastic
Cconfident, sometimes
Perfectionist
Loyal to a fault
Animal lover
Generous
Giving
Understanding
Caring
Tolerant
Good at advice
Contemplative
Smart
Witty
Funny
Talkative
Articulate
Intuitive
Active
Intense
People pleaser
Adventurous
Creative/Artistic
Industrious
I think I'm a pretty good cook :)

The bad

Impatient
Short fused, sometimes very short!
Demanding/needy
Enthusiasm makes me seem full of myself
Often insecure
Perfectionism=Too high standards
I don’t give my whole self easily
Over think everything
Sometimes a smart ass
Sometimes I talk too much
Intuitiveness leads to bad vibes from some people
Friends can’t usually keep up with me
People interpret my intensity & contemplativeness (don't think that's a word lol) wrong
Sometimes I need to learn to say no

The Ugly (sometimes ugly for me, sometimes for others)

Sometimes mistrusting
I can be loud
Self deprecating
Far too hard on myself
Insecure
Potty mouth :(
My over-tolerance explodes after too much
I’m not good at self advice
My mind never stops thinking
I sometimes tell people too much
Can be antisocial if I have bad vibes about someone
Can’t sit still, even on crutches
My intensity makes people think look angry
I almost never totally relax
Neurotic
In the course of people pleasing, I get taken advantage of far too often
I'm a moody artistic type


As the years go by I'd like to think that I'm getting better, and even knocking something off the bad list, and adding to the good. Sometimes I think that I'm succeeding. But sometimes I'm afraid I've added something to the bad one! I believe that as I have aged, I've become more understanding, but sometimes I fear that I'm becoming much less tolerant of things.
Just some thoughts to ponder, and some stuff to work on. :)

Life is a roller coaster ride

Life is like a roller coaster ride. For some, it’s the training wheels type, like you find at kiddie land. And for others it’s the please do not attempt if you have a heart condition, and hang on to your stomach contents with all your might kind. Mine is the latter.

For a while I thought that maybe I could be bi-polar. And I suppose, if there are degrees of bi-polar disorder, maybe I do have a little bit of it. But I don’t have the several days of sleepless, manic top of the world highs, nor do I have the I refuse to get out of bed for several days lows. I have degrees of those, however. I’ll have a sunny, good weathered day, where I crank up the tunes and feel like everything is going to go my way. Then I have the I’m too tired to care, would rather stay under the covers, pissed off at the world kind of day. Does that make me bi-polar? Me, I think I just have too much crap on my plate happening all at once to get over in a reasonable amount of time.

“Happy” people have their ups and downs, but on a much more level plane. It’s easy for them to say just get over it already, think positive, it’ll all be ok, look at the bright side of what you have. All very sound advice….for a person NOT struggling with major fucking issues. Can I just say this: When you say all those things to a person struggling to make it through something bad, if they’re depressed, none of those things help…in fact it’s just a reminder of how other people are probably looking down on you and don’t want to be around you because you’re annoying to them and your problems don’t matter, and so you should just isolate yourself from them. (And it’s ok that your problems don’t matter…you don’t expect everyone to feel like you feel…because you know that no one does and no one can.)

And yes, there are medications…and no, it is not a sign of weakness if you take them…but also, sometimes, they don’t work well enough if the situation you are in doesn’t ever get better and the only option you have is to get out of it, but that isn’t possible right now, or anytime in the near future. So your ups are great, but the downs just keep going further down. Ups and downs, cascading inside your mind…down and up and down again, up and down and round again. Enjoy the ups when they come, because sometimes the downs only come back up half way, then plunge even further than before. One step forward, two steps back. (Pink song…put one foot wrong, and I’m gonna fall, somebody gets it, somebody gets it, just one foot wrong and I’m gonna fall,..all the lights are one, but I’m in the dark, who’s gonna find me? Just one foot wrong, you’ll have to love me when I’m gone.)

So, you learn to enjoy the ups while they’re there. And hang on tight to the lows and wait for the rebound…if it comes.
The silence scares me ‘cause it screams the truth. If you know what the problem is, and you know there’s little or nothing you can do to fix it now, all there is to do is wait it out and keep reminding yourself that there is better than this.
(More Pink… “When it's good, then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again
Broken down in agony just tryin to find a friend”)


Frozen Winter, Cold Heart - Sharon 12/6/09

I am not the me I used to be
Too much disappointment and unhappiness is all I see
So I try to fill my days with things that bring me joy
Like motorcycle rides and buying huskies new toys
But deep down, inside, I know they’re just ‘things’
Material goods cannot give my heart wings
Lonely, dark, cold winter is settling in
And my heart is hardening from within
Next year will get better, I say to myself
But winter is like the loneliest cell in hell
Like a Desert Rose frozen in the snow
I am lying in wait for spring below

The open wound she hides
She just keeps it bundled up
And never lets it show
She can't take much more of this
But she can't let it go
And that's ok, she don't want the world

All the things she says
While he's just lying there
Without someone to hear her cry
She slips off into a dream
About a place to hide
And that's ok, she don't want the world

This love she feels
Everything she's ever known
Or ever thought was real
Seems like it's been thrown away
Now how's she gonna live
It's ok, she don't want the world

Those words he never spoke
Haunt her life, the memories
Of all the times before
She tried to show him love
While he would only ask for more
But it's ok, she don't want the world

Softly in her sleep
Pictures of the life she's longing
For slowly appear
She's seen them all before
But somehow never quite this clear
She just smiles, she don't want the world

This love she feels
Everything she's ever known
Or ever thought was real
Seems like it's been thrown away
Now how's she gonna live
It's ok, she don't want the world

A brand new morning shines
As she wakes up alone again
This time to face the day
She swears there's time to make it
As she simply walks away
And it's ok, she don't want the world

(3 Doors Down)

The Window To My Soul

Sharon - 12/3/09

Still waters run deep, So do people
I’ve always been good at holding it all together
But the older I get the more I have to hold
Suck it up, keep it in, it could be worse
But it could be so much better

Just what does a ‘breakdown’ consist of? This I do not know.
What I do know is I feel suffocated, can’t breathe
Paralyzed, unable to extricate myself from this situation
Terrified of the next move, but I know it has to come
Give up, walk away, put it all behind you, just LEAVE

Sob myself to sleep, wake up with eyes swollen closed
Eye cream, makeup, cold packs, take away the evidence
My brave face is what the outside world always sees
Hide it all, show no one, keep it all inside
I am a master at camouflage and outward appearance

But after I’ve cried, the eyes don’t lie
Tears wash away the filter, and the whole world can see
Inside, behind, into my mind and beyond to my soul
Emotional nudity, exposed to everyone
The window to my soul lies open, and what you see is me.

What do you do?

Please post comments....i'm taking advice!

What do you do about....
A coworker who continually pretends to be busy, all the while you're busting your ass, and having to pick up their slack?

A coworker who can't handle more than one thing at a time and has to run back and get someone because she's 'busy' holding a piece of paper or something ridiculous, but when you're genuinely visibly busy, doesn't bother to help out...and insists that she can 'multi task with the best of them'

a coworker who:
constantly has snide underhanded remarks
has a wickedly spiteful immature 'tit for tat' mentality
will stop at nothing to sabbotage things u do to get u in trouble
continually waves any mistake u make in ur face and to others
drags clients into her little 'points' to be made to make herself look better and you look bad
always has an explanation of why she's doing something or has to get someone else's answer so that she can exclude herself from any blame at all
(and the above coworker is all ONE person.....aka the 'office bitch')

coworkers who stop working the minute u get to work because they've worked hard all day and it's time to relax now that you're here

a boss who's management philosophy is out of sight, out of mind

a boss who is never really there to see how bad it really is

A boss who's answer often is "enter office bitch name here" is "enter office bitch name here" and she isn't going to change, just do ur job and don't let it get to you.

Which is all fine and dandy, but taking the high road and doing that only makes her get worse, and take more advantage of you, and increases YOUR workload, so it DOES affect your work!

a boss who won't fire anyone because it's too much trouble
a boss who would rather just hire another person to help when someone can't keep up with their work, but expects you to do all the work yourself, and you're already busting your ass all day long?
but when you ask for a raise, there isn't 'enough cashflow for additional hours or pay"

A boss who can't afford to give you more hours or more pay, but his wife spends ridiculous ammounts of cash on crazy stuff 'just because' silly pens, sticky notes to give away, $800 for 6 wooden dining room chairs for the waiting room, etc
who pays for their daughter & husbands expenses, who paid for the son in law to go to a different doctor for broken leg surgery because they didn't like the doctors his insurance would pay for.

a boss who pays those 'coworkers' who take breaks and sabbotage, and who have been there for years and years, more than you, but you literally do 3 - 4 times the work the others do?

it's war at work
then you go home, and it's war at home (i've already covered the why it's war at home part, i won't go on about it again....read past posts lol)
what do you do?
what do i want to do?
RUN AWAY!

If quitting your job, and quitting your life isn't an option, how do you make all of the above ok without giving the people around you permission to do what they do and continually take advantage of the fact that you'll do nothing or 'take the high road'?

Shades Of Grey

Shades of melancholy grey
filled my world as you went away.
Rooms filled with deafening silence.

My mind races with wishes and fear
Empty arms outstretched, aching to hold you near

Green eyes heavy with sadness
Tormented and craving

Without you
waves of lonliness crashing all around

The weight of my world suffocates me
My soul is dark now, you were my gravity.

With you, my heart is full
my soul shines, my heart soars.
Memory is a fact of the soul.

Lifting my heavy cloak to reveal my wounds
I say to you "Love answers need."
I long to shed this cloak,
step outside my skin,
kneel naked before you in all vulnerability,
and wait for you to take me in.


I gave to you all of me.
I fulfill it because I contain it.
It prevails because it is within me.
And I say to you with the purest of love on my tongue
you, and only you
were
the
one

(This is an oldie, I can't even remember when I wrote this)

Music

I live in my music....and the music lives within me
Music, life, words, feelings, powerful stuff

Creed. Wash Away Those Years by Creed


She came calling
One early morning
She showed her crown of thorns
She whispered softly
To tell a story
About how she had been wronged
As she lay lifeless
He stole her innocence
And this is how she carried on
This is how she carried on

Well I guess she closed her eyes
And just imagined everything's alright
But she could not hide her tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years

My anger's violent
But still I'm silent
When tragedy strikes at home
I know this decadence Is shared by millions
Remember you're not alone
Remember you're not alone

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years

For we have crossed many oceans
And we labor in between
In life there are many quotients
And I hope I find the mean

I would NEVER!

One thing I've discovered that you learn as you age is that you cannot judge the behaviors of others based on what you would or would never do. With age (usually) comes the wisdom that unless you've been in that person's place, having had that person's feelings and experiences, you absolutely cannot accurately say what you would do!
"It's easy for people to say I would never do that", or "I would never stand for that", or "I draw the line at, and would never cross it". Never say never.
It is easy to sit and judge from the safety of your ideal mindset.

I had a friend who said I would never allow a cat to stay in my house if it urinated out of the litter box. That cat would be so dead, I'd have it put to sleep. (A cat lover, mind you). She now has a beautiful miniature pedigree that she has paid a lot of cash for, and has fallen in love with completely. You learn to make another exception. You put another blanket on the couch, you buy a carpet cleaner, you invest in solvents, anything you can think of to make it not so bad.

Another friend of mine has a sibling that was cheated on by their first spouse. Her stand is I do not tolerate cheating. I'm sorry but you just don't do that. Even talking to someone in an intimate conversation is cheating. Seriously contemplating cheating is cheating! Ok, we all have a moral compass, and on it is cheating. But we all have our degrees. Some draw the hardest, farthest, boldest line in the sand. Others, it's not so permanent. They move the line over because they're leaving the person they're with right now. Or they fell hopelessly madly in love with this person and couldn't control what happened. Maybe their spouse is a controlling, abusive, rapist bastard, and the only way out of it was to find someone to help them, monetarily, courage-wise, strength-wise. Right or wrong, good or bad, it is done all the time. Don't get me wrong, there are still predators out there forging internet and interpersonal relationships with whomever they can find, and there are people out there with stories so horrific that they're collecting people to feel sorry for them. Those are the wrongest of the wrong....and there are the rightest of the right who drew the line at never ever ever ever....and then there are all of those in the grey area in between.

And then there is the person who says you just have to bite the bullet and give a child tough love. KICK THEM OUT, etc. What about the parent of a child who has been less than tolerable througout all of his adolescence and is now an 'adult' living off of his parents, taking them for a ride, unemployed for over a year, not making more than half an effort to get a life. Hanging out with his friends until wee hours of the morning. Sleeping past noon. Collecting tickets, getting arrested, costing them legal bills to get him out of jail and to get a lawyer to clean up his license so he can still find and get to a job.
You know that he's just doing more stuff because he's depressed and feels like a loser so why bother raising anyone's expectations....it isn't going to get any better than this...you know... the FUCK IT mentality kind of young man who is his own worst enemy and refuses to see it. He blames everyone else for his problems. He steals money from his parents because they have everything and they deny me everything all the time....The cops are assholes with nothing better to do than harass us....and the judge is a prick to everyone...and the guy I just rearended started to go and then just slammed on his brakes for no reason...and I haven't paid my insurance since July (because he'd rather pay the cell phone bill and get fast food with his pals) and the stupid insurance company won't let me pay them up now so that they cover this accident. Everybody is a fucking asshole who are on this earth just to hold him down and piss him off, he can't catch a break so why bother with anything. Maybe one parent has been trying to lay down consequences and teach lessons, but someone else comes around and helps them behind their back. What if that lesson would've been learned if they hadn't screwed it up like that?
Here's the line in the sand....let him suffer the loss of his license, and you know it's just one more excuse not to bother trying to get a job. Pay the lawyer bill and accident so he can get a job and hope he does? Kick him out of the house for being a freeloader, and risk the chance that he'll end up doing something so much worse than what he has been doing. What is a parent to do?

I know it's easy to draw those lines and say I would or I would nevers...and some of you may have even been there before. But none of you have ever been in that other person's shoes with their feelings and experiences.

Maybe that 'other' person is the soul mate you've been looking for your whole life and you never intended it to go that way at all, but it did, and maybe they're just screwing around because they can..

Maybe that boy is the only family that parent has left, and maybe they're so afraid of losing them or making them worse...

Maybe that cat is the only joy in that person's whole life...or maybe they're just too afraid of feeling the pain of letting it go///

My point is, it may be wrong to you, but it isn't you that you are judging.

Isn't it the best that you can do, if you truly love a 'friend' is to listen, offer support, and try to understand? And offer advice, IF, and that's a big IF it is welcomed...
and come from a place of compassion, and not judgement?

Just a thought.

I am always near

Me and my Grandfather (Papa)

4 Generations at the Grand Canyon

Gram & Me shortly before she passed

I was going through old pictures to put up on my facebook, and I stumbled across this, written by my Grandmother, approximately 7 years before she died. She did a lot of writing, unfortunately, I think my Mom, in her lack of awareness, threw them all away. This is all I have. I thought I would share.

Dated October 6, 1992

My Darlings, My Dears,

If I ever die before I wake, do not weep, I have gone the way I asked God
to take me.
Because I did not ever want to know when I had to leave you all.
I love you all so much. You were and are my life, and it was good.
No one could have had it better.
I have not really left you. I am with you always.
When the breeze that blows and touches your cheek, I kiss you.
When the sun shines on you and warms you, I am hugging you.
When you suddenly feel good all over and do not know why, you're
remembering our good times.
In all things I am near, never, never to leave you.
I am watching over, you are never without me. I am always near.

I love you with all my heart forever.


God Bless You


(Hon), Wife, Gram, Grammy

Be Strong

So, I wasn't going to obsess about the fact that today is my Mom's birthday. But no matter how much I say I'm going to be tough and ignore it, it comes anyway. I've even tried being too busy to notice, but it only delays the feelings by a couple days.

I didn't want to blog about more depressing thoughts...but the whole purpose of this blog is to purge, so purge I must today. Some of this is redundant, so if you've read my earliest posts, I've covered the subject before, but in less detail.

My Mom did more for me than I ever gave her credit for. I see that now.
Going back to the beginning, aside from the obvious giving birth thing. (Which, after I gave birth to my Son, when she walked into the room, I said to her "Never FUCKING again", and I meant it. I also kept my word!) Mom endured an abusive asshole for a husband for a long time. And as I've said in the past, she only left because of me. She was afraid he would abuse me. And he did to a degree. He hit me for sucking my thumb when I was like 3 or 4, I remember watching for the static on the tv when the garage door opened, so I could hide the fact that I was doing it. I remember him making me stand in front of the clock until I could tell him what time it was, and I would cry and say I promise when I go to kindergarten I will learn how. To this day, when someone ask me what time it is, my heart stops for a second. My most memorable childhood events were almost always a negative experience concerning my Dad. His fits of rage, breaking things, punching walls, yelling, getting arrested...etc. Good Riddance to bad rubbish I say. But why do I still want a Dad? I wrote him last year around this time....fully expecting no response, but afraid I would get one. Did I want to invite that back in my life? Not really. But, no worries, because he once again lived up to my expectations. I just get lonely this time of year, an only child from a small family, an aunt and uncle i talk to maybe once or twice a year, and see even less. No parents, no family, my nuclear family that I have created for myself coming apart at the seams, with little to nothing left to hold on to. We've been beating the proverbial dead horse for years now. It's all gone...gone.

My Mom and I were very close. After she left my Dad in the middle of the night with nothing, it was just me and her against the world. She worked hard, and we had little, but she always made sure I had whatever she could give me. She sacrificed everything for herself to provide for me. As far as I know, she never even had another relationship after my Dad. I never questioned it. She had a bad feeling about men after that. Who can blame her?
I was always in a race it seemed to make my own life. Engaged early, moved out early, married, homeowner, mother...I don't know why...I guess I was just trying to prove that I could do better.

After I moved out of her place, we spent a lot of time together. We used to shop every single weekend. Shop, lunch, craft sales, dinner, dark, go home. Talk on the phone every day. When my Son was a toddler , she had to have a disc replaced in her neck, she basically lived in my living room in a two bedroom house, for months until she recovered. After I moved to a bigger house, she moved in to the lower level. She and my Son were extremely close. Anything he couldn't get from me, he always went to her. She was more than happy to spoil her only grandchild.
Her fave pastimes were watching tv and eating. But she became diabetic. And her inactivity and unwillingness to manage her diabetes and diet took it's toll. After a while, she applied for disability, quit working, and rapidly declined in her muscular ability to care for herself.
A couple times while I was out, she fell, and my Son had to call me to come home. I had to get the neighbor to help me lift her. (She was almost 200lbs, and I had a knee brace on from my first acl surgery) She spent 2 weeks in the hospital, and months of in home, then external therapy. I spent my weeks going to my therapy for my knee surgery, then carting her around to her therapies 3 times a week. She got better, but then within a year, inactivity took it's toll again. I tried to do the tough love thing, but she was not having it. I spent far too much time being angry with her for not helping herself get better. Bad feelings. She finally asked me for a bedside commode because it was too hard to walk the 10 feet to the bathroom (which I had remodeled to be handicap accessible for her while she was in the hospital the first time). I got one for her just for the time being, but I had to have 'the talk' with her. What if your grandson comes home from school and finds that you've fallen, and it's spilled all over. Do you really want him to find you that way? You can't ask him to be responsible for helping you anymore if it's this bad, he's only 12. Let's find you a nice place where there are people who can take care of you 24/7. So, back into the hospital, and then a nursing home. That was a traumatic experience, let me tell you. I spent 45 minutes each way traveling every day to make sure she had the care she needed, because I trusted no one. I finally got her into the best one, where she could have a room of her own, but it took a year. She spent a few years in the nice place, but because of patient rights, they couldn't make her do therapy if she said no...so she rapidly declined. Delusional phone calls in the middle of the night, when do I get to come home? Tearful phone calls that she messed herself and didn't' have any clean underwear. Thank God for 24 hour Walmarts!

One day she got septic (body full of infection) they took her to the er, and then admitted her, where she was hooked to iv antibiotics. But she kept pulling them out, so they had to restrain her. One day when I was feeding her, I let her out of restraints to eat, and she grabbed my wrist, looked me in the eye and said, I love you, I love you, I don't want to live like this.
The next time she got an upper resp. infection they called in the middle of the night wanting to take her to the er, i told them no. But it's all politics there, it looks bad on their end if a resident dies, so they pressured me into taking her to er by saying once you get there, you can tell them no treatments. So I did, but the er says once they're there, it's their responsibility to treat someone if it is treatable. DNR means if they code, not to bring them out of it, but if it's something that can be corrected, their hands are tied. So they had to help her. I sat by her bed, and she told me and my son how much she loved us, and we told her we loved her too.
I was very angry at God for making me be the one to say, don't give my mother simple antibiotics, because she wants me to let her die. It was all in my hands, and I was ANGRY. Why couldn't God just take her in her sleep, and not leave this damned decision up to me? Why do I have to euthanize my almost 64 year old mother? It isn't fair!
In hindsight, I see that I got the chance to tell her I love her, and she told us too, and that is a priceless gift. But at the time, making her hospice, planning her funeral while she was alive, having to read about the process of death....it was too much for me to bear. I spent a lot of time on antidepressants and sedatives....there isn't an awful enough word to describe it.

A couple months later, I'm told she has a cold, and need some oxygen, and that this would probably be the beginning of the end, did I still want to do this. Well.....NOOOO, but I had to.
Got a call one afternoon, after having spent some time with her earlier, she was sleeping a lot. "Your Mom's breathing is shallow and her oxygen rate is low, the time is near" What a voicemail that was! And I wasn't available to take the call. I called back, and asked, so what are we talking, weeks, days? "In our experience, probably Hours...you may want to gather your family." I was so mad at myself for delaying listening to my messages. Here I was wasting precious time involved in the daily stupidity of my selfish little life and my Mom was dying!
My aunt and her husband came to her room with me and we waited. Shallow breaths, almost stopping...is this it? Then a breath...no it's not. My son wanted to leave, he had an assignment due, I told him he could go if he wanted to. He drove himself home. Shortly thereafter she slowed significantly. I sat next to her on her bed, put my cheek to her cheek and whispered "It's ok Mom, I love you, It's ok." And then she was gone.
The nurse came in, listened for a heartbeat, and confirmed that it was over. I walked out into the hallway of the nursing home, looked at my Aunt and said, So now what am I supposed to do?
I think my Son was angry that he left and she died. I know I was angry that I wasted precious time and didn't listen to my voicemails....just plain angry at the world for making me have to be responsible for all of this!

It just sucks to be the strong one sometimes! This is the third loved one that I've watched take their final breath...I am only SO strong!!!!! And the pain never goes away.

updated edit:

I've not decorated or handed candy out on Halloween since October of 06. Halloween was Mom's favorite, we used to go all out for it, and I just can't get my stuff out.
Nor have I yet been able to put up my Christmas tree (it's full of ornaments that my Mom and family have bought for me, unicorns, rocking horses, all the things that I dearly love, reminders of what used to be and what isn't there anymore.) I got tired of people on my case about the tree thing, so I bought a small fiber optic tree & put it on a table in the front window and said "There's your f*cking tree, happy now?" Ok, that was a bit harsh, I admit...but I just can't do it, I will when I'm ready and no one will push me into it!

A member of the "lost my Mother" club now. An only child, with a absentee Father since 1974, and both my Grandparents gone. Having no parents is like having the last thread that was holding you to the earth cut, and you're drifting aimlessly, with no place to belong. You're alone. You can be in a room full of friends, and still be totally alone and completely lonely. You know people out there love you, and it means the world to you that they do....but it isn't your blood. It is a profound sadness that never goes away. It may get fewer and farther between in frequency, but the pain, sadness and lonliness is hauntingly always right there under the surface.
I've adapted enough to let it all simmer under the surface, but there are two days each year that I can't stuff it down anymore. October 3rd, the day she died, and October 22, her birthday. October is an awful month...the Holidays aren't too fantastic either these days. It's like being on an emotional rollercoaster. You stay on it long enough, and you're inevitably going to puke your guts up.

What is Love?

Love
We all crave it. We all seek it in one form or another.
But what is it?

Fairy tale love is what we're fed as youngsters through books and movies. The beautiful girl, the handsome, dashing young man. Wealthy, poor, the wrong side of the tracks, or the right side of the silver spoon. Two people, smiling, dancing, singing, and they live happily ever after.
*screeching record sound*
But that almost never happens, does it?

When I was young, I thought love was someone that wanted to be with you all the time. Someone that liked doing things with you, and someone who you knew would be there.

So now, I'm not so young, and I'm looking for definition.
I know what love is when it comes to my child, my animals, my motorcycle....
They make me happy, I love spending every minute I can with them. But that isn't a real love, it's there, it always will be there, little will change.

Real, two people in a relationship love....define please.
I know what my ideal love is...
Attractive (yes, you have to look at a person you spend every day with and think, yeah, that's good stuff right there!)
Funny, a sense of humor is a must
Generous, not money, but with themselves...time, giving, caring, etc
Considerate. Someone who puts me first, and is thinking about how I feel...because I tend to worry about others more than myself, so it would be nice for someone to think about me
Passionate. Someone who dives in with both feet and gives themselves fully
Compassionate, caring for all those around them.
Smart, interesting to talk to.
A good cook would be great...I consider myself to be, but it'd be nice to be cooked for too!
Social, because antisocial people suck!
Strong and brave.I want to feel HELD and safe.
Dedicated and Loyal
Trustworthy, of course
Loves animals, and riding, a must!

So, I think someone who wants to be with you as much as they can, who thinks about you all the time, and likes to let you know they think about you, someone who calls just because, and can't wait to see you, someone who thinks everything you do is cute, funny, intersting, smart, wonderful, someone that wants to be close and in contact all the time, someone that you know has your back, and who you want to share every little thing and every big thing there is and you can't wait to talk to them, someone who is the center of your universe, and who makes you feel like you're the center of theirs....i think THAT'S love.

But the question is.....is that lasting? Are two people supposed to feel that way for all eternity? I think so. But I'm jaded, I don't know if that's a reasonable expectation. Can two people keep feeling that way about eachother for that long? I don't know. So far, I haven't found that to be so.

Love is a crapshoot, the odds are against you, but if you win, you're damned lucky I guess.

A Real Fairy Tale

Here is the fairy tale little girls should be told:

Once upon a time
In a land far away....

a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess

happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: "Elegant Lady,
I once was a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am

and then, my sweet, we can marry

and set up housekeeping in your castle

with my mother,

where you can prepare my meals,

clean my clothes,

bear my children.

and forver feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night,

as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:


I DON'T FUCKIN THINK SO.

(I can't claim credit to this..i got it in an email, but it was soooo good i had to share)

Trapped in a box

I'm trapped in a glass box
I can see everything, and everyone can see me

The glass is deceiving though
An invisible force
To everyone else, I look just fine
But on the inside, I am completely not

The outside, to me, appears perfectly nice
So much to see, so much to love
So much that is better out there than is in here
Or is it that deceiving glass again?

I'm like a loaded gun,
I can be a weapon
With a single motion I can be free
But, is free all it's cracked up to be?
My fear, he always tells me it isn't

What if....
What if I am free, only to find,
The glass has distorted the outside?
What if I get out there and realize it's worse?
That damned fear, he controls my mind!

Fear is an interesting thing
Fear nothing, and you're not alive
Fear everything, and you're not living
Fear can be learned, but, fear can be imposed
No matter which way, fear can be paralyzing

Freedom comes with a price
Once you've shattered the box, you can't go back inside
What do I have to do
To stop him from taking over me?

A leap of faith
I long to take it
It's all I think about
It's too easy to get used to the pain
My foot keeps getting closer to the edge
My weapon aimed at that damned deceiving glass
But, the invisible force, he holds me back


My heart whispers:

Pull the trigger

Take the leap

Breathe the air

Look fear in the eye and tell him I just don't care!

author....Me

Words, Lyrics, Life

Lyrics and life go hand in hand

Am I sweating
or are these tears on my face
Should I be hungry?
I can't remember the last time that I ate
Call someone
I need a friend to talk me down

Put one foot wrong
and i'm gonna fall
somebody gets it, somebody gets it

all the lights are on
but i'm in the dark
who's gonna find me, who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong, you'll have to love me when i'm gone

Does anyone see this?
Lucky me
I guess I'm the chosen one
Color and madness
first in line i put my money down
some freedom, it's the tiniest cell in hell!


Drinking wine and thinking bliss
is on the other side of this
i just need a compass and a willing accomplice
all my doubts that fill my head cascading up and down again
up and down and round again, down and up and round again
oh i've had my chances and i've taken them all
just to end up right back here on the floor
sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
and a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace
and i'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes
oh i've felt the fire and i've been burned
but i would't trade the pain for what i've learned

irony, irony is hating love, hating love
for what it's done to me, what it does to me
what it's done....
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel,
broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare
walk under ladders on the way to hell i'll meet you there

We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe
but we shoulda drank it down while it was still sweet
it all goes bad eventually
now do we stay together cuz we're afraid to be alone
we got so used to this abuse, it kinda feels like home
how did it get so mean, how do we just move on
how do you feel in the morning when it comes and everything's undone
is it cause we wanna be free?
well that's not me, normally i'm so strong
I just cant wake up on the floor like a thousand times before
knowing that forever wont be

it's only half past the point of no return
the tip of the iceberg
the sun before the burn
the thunder before the lightning
the breath before the phrase
have you ever felt this way?

lryics by Pink...feelings by ME

I am...am I?

What/who am I? I am 42 years old, I am female, I am alive. The rest...still undecided or unwritten?
I am a Mother...but my son is an adult now, so there's a big transition in my identity. I've always struggled with "who am I?" Everyone does, I'm sure. When I was in school, I always tried to morph myself into whoever I was hanging out with. But even then, I was in all honors classes with the 'socialites' and bookworms, but I hung around with all the partying kids, but was a 'lightweight'. (Have since gotten over that lol). And I was also very good at convincing myself I was in love with whoever showed interest in me, because I either didn't want to be alone, or because it was friend of my friend's boyfriend at the time. That got me in a lot of trouble. And left me to always wonder, am I doing this because it's real, or because I've convinced myself it's real. That has turned out to haunt me my whole life.

I am a Veterinary Assistant, and for a while, I let that define who I am, and hung around with the people I worked with. We were always together, inseparable. Then the clinic sold, the new owner was a bastard, we all quit, and our old boss opened a new clinic. Then I was betrayed by my 'friends', leaving me to learn the lesson don't let your job define who you are. And don't really get too close with your coworkers. That was the same year, by the way, that I had to put down my 16 year old cat to old age, and my 7 year old rescued Husky due to cancer, AND to add insult to injury, I lost my Mom, and my Son started really acting out badly. In one fell swoop of a few months, I lost a cat, a dog, a Mom, a job, all my friends, and my Son as I knew him. Devastated doesn't even explain it. To this day, I have not put up my Christmas tree, and this will be the 4th Christmas. Too much pain, too many reminders of what isn't anymore. That period in my life taught me, never ever trust anyone implicitly...NEVER.

I am a perfectionist, and extremely hard on myself. However, I tend to be pretty lazy. I am impulsive, but so well thought that it keeps me awake at night. I am passionate, but sooo self conscious. I've been told I exude confidence, but on the inside, i'm really insecure and always mindful of what others think. I am brave, but I'm a chicken shit. I am generous, but I am distrustful. I am faithful, but I wonder why things happen that don't seem fair. I am smart, but I've never gone to college. I have a wicked wit sometimes, but I really can be a dumb blonde regardless of my haircolor at any given time! I feel young, I think young, but my body isn't what it used to be. Screws in both my knees from acl replacements have grounded me, and remind me daily of what I cannot do anymore. I am a biker chick..but I've only been riding a couple years, and, to be honest, my Night Rod Special scares the crap outa me. (I've heard and seen a lot of people sell that bike because it's 'too fast'. I should probably have my head examined! I am a little nuts, but mostly sane. I'm very rational when it comes to helping people out of their heads and their problems, but my life is often a mess. I am a loyal and devoted friend who would defend my friends to the bitter end. But I've been burned by so called friends, so I am really reserved when it comes to letting anyone in. I am a hopeless romantic...but I am jaded and in disbelief.

So, I know more who I am not's more than who am I's. I am a compilation of my life experiences, and too many of them have been bad. I know, stay positive, focus on the good... I am thankful for plenty, honestly I am. It's really hard sometimes to stay in that mindset.
I am an ever elvolving unwritten story with so many twists and turns it makes me dizzy! (No dizzy blonde comments, please! lol)

So, the question still remains....who AM i? Will I ever really know?

That Was Then, This is Now

Took my 1992 Pontiac Firebird out of the garage today. That car was the love of my life, the 4 wheeled version. Haven't driven her in a long time. There's always too much crap piled up in front of or on top of (which makes me want to scream, btw) her to even think about pulling out of the garage. But, because the other car needed repairs, I had to take it out today. I had forgotten how fun it was to drive. Low to the ground, nice rumble, corners like it's on rails. It's not the nicest, cleanest, most valuable car out there, by any means. In fact, the clear coat is cracking, a couple of rust spots, and the t-tops leak when it rains. It isn't worth much to anyone but me. I really haven't taken it for a drive but once or twice since I got my Harley. The nice weather always makes me choose my bike. My interests have changed since I bought that car about 12 years ago. The original plan was to give it to my son when he turned 18, if he stayed on the right path...but he isn't the same sweet boy that hung around with Mom and wasn't too cool to say I love you. That got me thinking...How much has changed in the last 12 years? Practically everything. Every time the sun was shining and the temperature was over 60, I'd be cruisin' with the t-tops off. I'd go absolutely nowhere in particular, just clicking miles away, just for the sake of feeling the sun shine on my face and the wind in my hair. That was then, this is now. I still love the sun on my face and the wind in my hair, only it changed when I got my V-Rod. Same principal, different method. I'm not the same person...or am I?

I had a (car) love of my life, and I lost interest. I now have a new (Harley) love. Nothing is the same as it was 12 years ago, nor should it be. No person is the same as they were 12 years ago...I know I'm not. All of this has gotten me to start thinking about relationships and love. How do you make a decision about someone and about forever when you know that neither of you will be the same person in 12 years? Almost everyone changes. So how can you pick a person and say this is who I want to spend the rest of my life with? That person won't be the same 12 years down the road and neither will you. Sure, there's always the theory that you will both grow together....but isn't that just wishful thinking, or rose colored glasses, similar to winning the lottery? The odds are in your favor that you won't grow together. And what if you wake up one day and just plain don't like anything about that person anymore? Simple answer is, then leave, right? But that's easier said than done more often than not. Houses, children, money, careers, everything that muddies up the waters and makes decisions and actions ultra complicated.

(In spite of my fast, shiny, black Night Rod Special) I am still one of those girlie girls that believes that love stories can come true. Prince Charming....probably doesn't exist...but the concept of true love, I want to believe it's possible. But I'm pragmatic enough to always remember that the odds are not in favor. The ideal mate, funny, witty, intelligent, compassionate, considerate, loyal to a fault, fun loving, patient, kind, affectionate, passionate...is it all too much to ask for? And if you find it right now, how do you know that it isn't fleeting? Do relationships have a shelf life?

I have made many choices in my life...many of them at a very early age. Everything changes. Back then, I thought I knew so much, and now I know how much I didn't know. Years from now, I'll know how much more I didn't yet know right now.
That was then...this is now....and there is so much more to come.

Live life as if there is no tomorrow, but make your decisions as if you will be stuck with them for all eternity.

Before I'm gone

This is a prequel to my first post regarding the 'lost mother's club'

I am an only child, born to an abusive alcoholic with a short temper and a long list of extra curricular activities. My Mother left my Father when I was 7. She took me in the middle of the night, with little more than the clothes on our backs. My Mom always told me that if she hadn't had me, even though my Dad was abusing her, she wouldn't have left him. She only left because she was afraid he would hit me one day. I remember violent arugments, my Dad putting his fist through the tile wall, throwing kitchen furniture out the door and down the stairs. He broke my Great Dane's leg with a 2x4 because he was mad about something. He was always mad about something. I remember plastering myself against the wail, afraid to breathe.

We moved into an apartment for a while, then in with my grandparents, then into another rental. All the while, Mom worked full time and was independent enough to take care of me. I never really understood the weight of her responsibility until recently. It's a scary world out there, to have to be supporting yourself, let alone a child as a single mother. Dad never paid child support, that was before the deadbeat dad laws, before anyone really bothered to stand up for the single parents.

We rarely talked about my Dad, and when we did, it was almost never about anything pleasant. Mom had a justifiable mistrust in men after that, which I tried not to let rub off on me, but I find I'm always suspicious. She never remarried, or even dated as far as I can remember. My Memories of my Dad were of him being escorted out of a carnival because he was belligerent and carrying alcohol, of him being handcuffed and arrested on the 4th of July for selling fireworks, and, as I mentioned before, fits of anger. I became very close to my grandparents, who helped raise me in the beginning, and who were never far from me my entire youth. I worshipped my Grandfather. He was a carpenter, and I remember watching him make stuff and saying that's what I was going to do too. (I happened to see a woman carpenter helping build the house next door, and he told me women can do that too.) I loved hanging around in the garage with him and doing projects. He was by far a better person than my Dad ever was or ever will be. My Grandmother loved to cook and clean, traditional wife stuff. But she was indeed the boss of the house. In many ways I'm just like both of them, a stickler for detail and totally in charge. My Mom was very laid back and easy going. Boy did I take advantage of that in my teenage years!

My Mom moved in with us after my son started 1st grade, until his Sr. Year in high school. She had been moved to a nursing home some 4 years prior. In the years that she lived here, my son became extremely close to her. We both took her decline, and her loss extremely hard. He started acting out, beginning when she moved to the nursing home, and progressively worsening after she passed away. It has taken it's toll on our relationship. Unfortunately, I have my Dad's short fuse, and even more unfortunately, my son has mine. It is NOT a good combination.

I am an only child with an only child. One day he may very well be making the same decisions for me that I had to make for my own Mother. But the two of us cannot get along to even stay in the same room together. He just doesn't see what he's doing, and that he's his own worst enemy. Arrests, tickets, no job, stealing stuff from me, lying, drinking, wasting money, no ambition or responsibility, huge chip in his shoulder. I hope that, one day, he'll mature enough to realize that I am not out to make his life miserable, and that I don't live to simply piss him off. People tell me boys typically age out at 24-25, but I honestly don't know if we'll make it that far.

My wish is that he gets to understand before I'm gone.

everybody's blogging...so what the hell

So now what....?

I have been lucky enough to find some really great twitter friends, and many of them blog. So, I thought, if I'm good at anything, it's carrying on...and on...and on, so what the hell!
I've written a little poetry here and there, and I can write a novel for an email....anything that I have a passion for ends up being my soapbox. So I may as well start somewhere.

Riding weather is coming to a close all too quickly here in the Midwest. The leaves are changing, the winds are starting to howl. It's time to change to the flannel sheets, close the pool, rake the leaves, and batten down the hatches for the long winter's nap that is inevitably on it's way.
I dread the fall. It's aesthetically beautiful, and most welcome the relief from the heat and humidity of summer. But not me. Although the colors here are quite striking, they are just as striking a reminder to me that all things are dying, and soon all will be paralyzed in the dead of a long cold desolate winter. This is the fall leading into the winter of my discontent.

I have always been a summer person, more so as I get older. I used to like the fall, and revel in the beauty of the colors all around. But all that has changed in my past few years of life.
After a lengthy stay in a nursing home, my Mother, at the age of 64 passed away. It was a preventable death, she got an upper respiratory infection that could've been treated, as it had been with IV antibiotics and hospitalization in the past. Only, because of her delcine in ability to care for herself due to very bad arthritis and diabetes, and her complete lack of Independence over the last couple of years, she begged me to let her die. Unable to bathe herself, dress herself, go to the bathroom with dignity, and after trying to get her to agree to all the therapy the nursing home could offer, I put myself in her place, and made myself understand. The last time she was in the hospital and septic from an infection, hooked up to iv's that she kept trying to pull out, then placed in restraints and having to be fed..one day, when I let her out of the wrist restraints to eat, she grabbed my wrist, said I love you, I love you, I don't want to live like this. And I understood. When she was moved back into the nursing home, the next time she got sick and they wanted to move her to the ER again, I told them no when they called in the middle of the night. I had to make her hospice, and it was only a matter of a couple months, and she got another virus and it was a fast slide downhill.
I am an only child....I have an only child. I have no father, he is out there somewhere, an abusive alcoholic that has had no interest in me to even pay child support when i was young, nor visit his grandson more than the two times he saw him 20 years ago. I was an only child, in a small family, burying my Mother, with one Aunt and one Uncle at my side (who live so far away, I only see maybe once a year or less).
Mom passed on October 3rd...buried her October 7th, got insanely drunk off Cuervo and Coronas with no food in my stomach and lots of pain pills in me to numb myself. (Yes, I have been known to have a wicked self destructive streak at times). October is a lousy month.
Mom's birthday is coming...October 22nd. I hate October...and then the Holidays are not much better. This is my 3rd time through October without her. I feel like she was the last thread holding me to the universe...and when she was gone, that thread was cut, and I'm drifting all alone. My son, who hates me (another blog for another time) is all I have of true blood family...and then there are my closest friends. I know they are invaluable to me, and I don't wish to devalue them in any way. But they are not family.

I know many of you out there have lost loved ones, and it is ALL hard. My friend calls it the 'club' that she doesn't want to be a member of, because so many of her friends are. An only child, with an only child...with a tiny family...there isn't anyone left. The loss of a parent is devastating...it leaves you wondering where do you belong, who are you now...what happens next....My first words after her last breath when I walked out of her room were "Now what am I supposed to do?" I'm still looking for the answer.
Until then I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, making every day string into the next, a week, a month, a year, three years. It gets easier for a while, then bam, it rocks my world all over again.
Like when my Aunt's birthday comes round and I can never remember if it's Sept, 21'st or 23rd..and i think i have to ask Mom again. Then I remember I'm on my own on that one now...and on everything else.
On my own....we all are eventually....
I hate October, starting at the end of September, because all is dying...riding season...pool season....warm weather....
I'm doin my best to make one day go by so I can get rid of yet another one, waiting for it to get easier.
So now what am I supposed to do...?

(Interesting footnote: I was looking at the original date on this and noticed that it was exactly the date 3 years ago when i was puking a lung up over the railing of my front porch from drinking enough to knock out a small elephant the day after my Mom's funeral. Life lesson: Never tell your friends that you're on a mission to be numb...they will gladly help you out!)