http://arizonaheartspoetry.blogspot.com/

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Looking for myself


Today is day 4 of my unemployment. I’ve decided to make this week a ME week, do what I want to do. Next week I’ll worry about what I SHOULD do. I’m trying to fill my days with things that make me happy and will help me lighten my spirit. It seems as though my spirit has been darkened and heavy with stress for over 3 years now. Upon reflection, I’ve realized that it’s been a long time since I was happy with life. A little over 3 years ago, I was working as a vet tech, doing what I love, loved the people I worked with, loved my boss (but he had his moments, as they all do) and loved spending time with my work friends and other friends. Then, over the matter of several months, my world shifted on its axis. I had to put my Husky to sleep in July, in September put my 16 yr old cat down, and in October my Mother. Yes, I basically had to put her to sleep too. She was incapacitated at the young age of 64, and after a bad infection, and her dementia making her pull her iv’s out, as she was in restraints, told me she wanted to die. She got another infection and instead of setting her up with iv antibiotics again, I had to make her hospice, and let her die. After that, in December, our boss announced that he sold the clinic, and the new owner was unbearable. So unbearable, that out of 12 employees, 10 left within 2 months, me included. It was a horribly stressful time, to say the least. To add insult to injury, my old boss opened a new clinic, where I was told that I was going to be hired, and while my other ‘friends’ were working there, I was never called. Betrayed by those I was closest to.

For anyone interested in all the nitty gritty details, they're here, in past posts

Ok, my world started to look up, as I was hired in at a new clinic a little farther from home. Quickly I learned that most of the other employees would take advantage of those who would work hard, do as little as possible, and spitefully sabotage and undermine others to make themselves look better. The owner knew it was all going on, but chose to keep himself insulated, out of sight, out of mind. He avoided confrontation at all costs. I made it a year before I was ready to bail, but I stayed. Next spring, same thing, it would get so bad I would make sure I had everything I needed, just in case. Then I made it another year. I had come to the boss time and time again with my concerns, and I would get ‘managed’ with the smooth it over talk. Well, this year I decided to put my foot down and not let the others use and take advantage of me. I told them exactly what was on my mind. Well, that turned out to be not such a good thing, as they complained and exaggerated the severity of my newfound attitude. To make a long story short, instead of disciplining the others for blatantly refusing to do their jobs, I was disciplined for my standing up to them. I stated my case, I explained what was going on, said just because I was the one complaining about what was going on, doesn’t make me the problem. The problem is the other 2 people that have been there for years doing the same infantile crap year in and year out. But no, I was told that I did NOT work harder than they do, and in fact, was getting my hours cut down by 4 a week…after my hours were already down by 20% from over a year ago because I had to get away from the source of the stress! I had enough on Monday, and I said I will not stick around if this is how it’s going to be, and I left.

I have been stressing so much that its been taking me hours to fall asleep at night. Stressing over the aggravations at work, what I want to say to the boss, to others, stressing over my home life…a whole other story for another time. After the first initial night of sleeplessness over what happened when I walked out of my job, I find myself falling asleep faster, and waking earlier, feeling more awake and ready to face the day. Maybe it’s energy because I know I have all day to do whatever I want to do. Maybe it’s that I’m actually resting. I’m still very sad that I am not working in the Veterinary business, and that I probably will not be able to again, unless I move somewhere. Insider information and location makes it undesirable or improbable that I would be working at another clinic within driving distance of where I live. I still catch myself reliving the reasons I was stressed, being angry at the double standards, and how much I gave to my workplace, and wishing I could say just one more thing to them. I try to tell myself that they have used up enough of my time and my energy over the past 3 years, they are not getting any more!

I’ve been walking around for the last 3 years so frustrated that my jaw is almost always clenched. My spirit was folded up and being smashed into submission. Now that I’m out of the situation, I am trying to make sure I do something each day that helps me unfold myself and find that happy person that I used to be. She seems a stranger to me, I have to find her and get to know her all over again.
I plan to sit on this new situation, examine myself, the universe, the signs of what is now, and what is to come. Come on Universe…I leaped, I’m waiting for you to catch me :)

Monday, May 17, 2010

Attitude adjustment

Have you ever wished you had the nerve to get up and walk out on your job?
Well, today I did. I'm sure it was a step toward the right direction, however it has still left me sobbing like a big baby at the loss.

For those of you who are familiar with me or my blog, you know how much I've been bitching about my job lately. There are so many frustrating little things that I could go on for hours. I have, in fact, in my blog,

http://myheartsinarizona.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-hate-confrontation.html

go back and read for all the nitty gritty if you'd like, but I will try to sum it up quickly. I've worked there 3 years, and for 3 years I've been working my ASS off for them while others do nothing...literally. One texts or reads the paper, one chit chats it up with clients & ignore the phone, the other spitefully sits around reading a magazine to make me mad because she's unhappy that I get to tech instead of reception certain days of the week. I have been bitching about a lot of this for a long time, and came to the conclusion that if I cant change what's going on over there, then I can only change what I do. So I slowed down my work accordingly. And I got told well then your raise will reflect that. But then, everyone got the same pay raise, even the one that texts and reads the paper all the time and constantly leaves work unfinished.

Last week, the chit chat receptionist (aka office bitch) was doing nothing and I was working on documents, after I answered one call and pointed out that both phones were ringing said "yeah well that happens to me every morning." Bear in mind that this person will purposely put the phone lines on hold just so they don't ring. So, I did say Fuck You to her...not the most appropriate thing to say, but I was in back and I'd had enough. I'm a pretty tolerant person, I have to stuff down a LOT before I get beyond the breaking point. (I am so non confrontational, that I've taken time off and come in late just to avoid this crap.) And a couple days after that the office dipshit, sat and ate potato chips for half an hour just to spite me because I was working in back, and left for the post office without saying a word. When asked if she told me that she was going to the bank, she said "I'm not telling her shit." I told her she needs to start acting her age, not her teenage daughters.

So, today I get to work and there's a note in everyone's paycheck saying that there is a 'problem' with the cooperation, and blah blah cursing at others not tolerated, blah blah..(this note coming from boss's wife who's favorite word is Fuck...at kids birthday partys she's tellin people "I've got to take a fucking piss.")Seriously, if management would DO something about people instead of saying well, so and so is just so and so, just do your job and ignore them, then no one would get to the breaking point. Even their own niece is wanting out of there but is stuck because they pay her too much! And a note on the calendar that the afternhoon shift start an hour later than when I get there. Mind you, the boss's wife aka manager asked me to come in at that time so I could make my weekly hours.

So, I talk to boss, he says that cooperation should be mutual, blah blah, and that it's up to him to speak to others about what they do. And flat out told me that I don't do more than the others do. Which is totaly b.s. because I can prove it on paper, just invoices alone proves I get more people in and out of there, and do it MYSELF without someone having to babysit me. I told him that zen philosphy is fine about just do your job and nevermind, until neverminding cause you to be taken advantage of and dumped more work upon. I'm the one complaining about what's going on, so I'm the source of the problem? That's what it boils down to. And then when I brought up losing an hour every afternoon, and he flat out told me I don't do enough in that hour so it isn't necessary (Finding things to do in back to avoid the office bitch, and working on documents apparently doesn't qualify as work. Only if I'm doing someone else's job does it matter I guess.)At that point I lost it, and I walked out.

Ok, so I have had enough, and I'm removing the toxin from my spirit. Is it me against them? Am I making a bigger deal out of things like he insinuated? I'm expected to just let go of it, and do my job....That's what he said. I guess maybe on the surface it looks me agasint them....but if i've sucked up so much so that it wasn't, at what point am I not the source of the problem??

Am I?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Dear Mom

I have to do something that I don't want to do this Saturday. I have to celebrate Mother's Day. I have chosen not to since I lost my Mom a few years ago. I don't want to go out amongst those celebrating their Mom's. It's selfish, but I can't do it without reducing myself to a pile of tear filled tissues. But, my cousin had a new baby, and we have to get together this weekend. I'm dreading it. The emotions I'll have will be too hard to keep at bay. I'm pretty good at holding the pieces together, but I'm not sure I can this time. So, I thought maybe if I wrote a letter to my Mom ahead of time, it would maybe let some of the steam out of the pressure cooker...so here goes:

Dear Mom
I miss you so much there aren't words enough to say.
You were my hero and I didn't even know it. You were strong enough to leave an abusive relationship, not for yourself, but for me. You saved yourself because of your maternal need to save your child from harm. You were the original Working Single Mother. I am a Mother, and I cannot imagine the feelings and fears you must have had, worrying about bills and raising a child, all the while working downtown Chicago, making it on your own. I don't remember wanting for anything during those early difficult times, so you must have sacrificed so much for my happiness' sake. And for that I am eternally grateful. Single working Mothers were few and far between back in 1974, you were a trail blazer. You never remarried, and, as far as I know, never had another relationship after the divorce, so I can't even begin to fathom the lonliness you must have felt for those 30+ years. But I feel lonely and lost without you now, so I can imagine to a degree.

Mother's Day isn't the same without you. When I had to admit you to the nursing home, I almost had a mental breakdown right there in the hallway. Going there to have luncheons with you on Mother's Day and holidays, I thought I was sad then.

I am sad now, however it is a more profound feeling than just sad. It's a deep gaping hole in my heart...no, it's in my soul. There isn't much to our little family. Your brother who makes an appearance every couple of years, and your sister who tries to remember to call and check on me here and there, but has her own life with her new husband and new family. And of course, my Son, your Grandson...well, I hope that one day he comes around and decides he understands what he's doing and starts respecting himself and those around him. Maybe one day he'll come around and love his Mother again. I am truly sorry if I ever made you feel even a fraction of the disappointment or unhappiness that he has made me feel growing up. Aside from having a few friends you didn't approve of, and a snide remark here and there though, I think we were ok, right?

You've been gone 3 years now, and it still hurts like yesterday, I'm just better at stuffing it in than I was before. I still feel like I'm 5 years old and lost in the mall again. Only now, I know that there isn't anyone to save me. Right after you passed, my first words were, "Now what am I supposed to do." I meant about the whole nursing home, belongings, funeral, arrangements, etc...but also the who am I without you part too. No Dad, well not one that will ever be in my life, he's proven that...both Grandparents deceased, and no Mother....
Having your family leave one by one, feels like there are threads connecting you, holding you down to the earth, and each time one dies, a thread gets cut. Mom, when I lost you it felt like the last single thread holding me down to existence was cut, and I'm now floating aimlessly in space, unsure or unable to get to where I belong, and unable to find where I came from, and no one to reach out to show me the way.

I miss you....MISS...it's a insignificant little word...until now. Now I know better.

Anyway, another Mother's Day that I won't celebrate in the traditional way. I don't do that anymore. Too many people out there with their Mom's and Grandparents, happy and living...I'm happy for them, but I can't watch it, not on Mother's Day.
I will go do something that will make me 'happy'. But you and how much I miss you will never be off my mind.

I loved you, even when I didn't show it enough
I needed you, even when I pushed you away
And I miss you, and will miss you even when it's been too many years to count
Love,
Your Only Child

*note to my blog readers*
I share this letter with you, not only to share the thoughts in my head, but to remind you all to Love, Honor and Cherish your Mother, no matter what your circumstances with her are. Because when she is gone, it's all gone. You'll have a question about the family past, or some silly thing way before your time, and your first instinct will be I need to ask...and then..it will hit you...there isn't anyone left to answer that....that tidbit of trivia that you just pondered will never be answered, it's gone now. GONE
It's been years now, and that sort of thing still happens to me all the time.
The missing part....it is forever missing....your soul is missing a piece, and you will not get it back until you are reunited in the afterlife. Don't wait until then, to enjoy and savor what you have here and now while you still can
Happy Mother's Day

Broken

Once upon a time, I was a happy girl. I vaguely remember enjoying life...problem is, I didn't know then that I should be savoring every moment instead of being in a hurry to get to the 'goal'. The cheesy saying it not about the destination, it's the journey, it's so true.

When I was in school, I couldn't wait til I graduated. Once I graduated I couldn't wait til I found someone to spend my life with. Once I found someone who was serious about me, I couldn't wait to get engaged. When I got engaged, I couldn't wait til the wedding. When I got pregnant, I couldn't wait til the baby came. When the baby was a toddler, I couldn't wait til he went to school. All this excitement, happiness, eagerness to get to the next great thing. My focus was off. I don't remember the happiness...I was too busy working toward the goals living my life, marching forward, x'ing off day after day from my calendar and from my life.

All that good stuff on my list. Done that, check! And it was all checked off by the time I was 26. (21 if you don't count the years waiting for my son to start school as a goal to be counted down toward.) Spent all my time marching toward the goal not stopping to think if this was the goal I really should be achieving. Got the man, got the house, got the kid, 'perfect' suburban life. Caution, objects in this life are farther than they appear. Far from happy. Far from right.

I'm pretty good at stuffing it down and 'lying in the bed that I made' if you will.
It's not so bad, it could be so much worse. The problems I have pale in comparison to what other people are going through. I am thankful I have a nice house, new motorcycle, a decent paying job, a healthy son, and too many of life's little luxuries to count. I have SO much.

I've posed this question before: At what point does focusing on the positives become fooling yourself into believing you could be happy like this? Because I tell myself all the time that I have a nice life, and I can be content. I am a passionate person...my feelings run deep and strong. When I love, I jump in with both feet and give my everything, all I have, and all I AM. I gave up my identity.
When I work, I give all I that I am capable of, and am always trying to be capable of more. Then I let my work define me. To my friends, I give everything I can whenever they need. I am a people pleaser.

I have given away all of me, and put everyone else's needs and feelings before my own. It's a selfish thing to want more than what you have now. It's selfish to put my foot down and think of myself first. Or is it? I'm pretty sure I know what it is that would make me happy and enjoy life again. But, at what point are you allowed to do what makes you happy, if it means others around you will not be?

I'm even dissatisfied with the content of this blog as I am writing it. I prefer more organization, and more logic and solution...a neat closure. I can't close this in a neatly tied package, because I don't have the answer. My thought process is as broken as I am. I'm a fixer, and I have this overwhelming and obsessive desire to FIX this broken me. But all I'm able to do right now is keep gluing the broken pieces back in place and going about my business delicately so as not to knock them all to the ground.