Looking for myself

Today is day 4 of my unemployment. I’ve decided to make this week a ME week, do what I want to do. Next week I’ll worry about what I SHOULD do. I’m trying to fill my days with things that make me happy and will help me lighten my spirit. It seems as though my spirit has been darkened and heavy with stress for over 3 years now. Upon reflection, I’ve realized that it’s been a long time since I was happy with life. A little over 3 years ago, I was working as a vet tech, doing what I love, loved the people I worked with, loved my boss (but he had his moments, as they all do) and loved spending time with my work friends and other friends. Then, over the matter of several months, my world shifted on its axis. I had to put my Husky to sleep in July, in September put my 16 yr old cat down, and in October my Mother. Yes, I basically had to put her to sleep too. She was incapacitated at the young age of 64, and after a bad infection, and her dementia making her pull her iv’s out, as she was in restraints, told me she wanted to die. She got another infection and instead of setting her up with iv antibiotics again, I had to make her hospice, and let her die. After that, in December, our boss announced that he sold the clinic, and the new owner was unbearable. So unbearable, that out of 12 employees, 10 left within 2 months, me included. It was a horribly stressful time, to say the least. To add insult to injury, my old boss opened a new clinic, where I was told that I was going to be hired, and while my other ‘friends’ were working there, I was never called. Betrayed by those I was closest to.

For anyone interested in all the nitty gritty details, they're here, in past posts

Ok, my world started to look up, as I was hired in at a new clinic a little farther from home. Quickly I learned that most of the other employees would take advantage of those who would work hard, do as little as possible, and spitefully sabotage and undermine others to make themselves look better. The owner knew it was all going on, but chose to keep himself insulated, out of sight, out of mind. He avoided confrontation at all costs. I made it a year before I was ready to bail, but I stayed. Next spring, same thing, it would get so bad I would make sure I had everything I needed, just in case. Then I made it another year. I had come to the boss time and time again with my concerns, and I would get ‘managed’ with the smooth it over talk. Well, this year I decided to put my foot down and not let the others use and take advantage of me. I told them exactly what was on my mind. Well, that turned out to be not such a good thing, as they complained and exaggerated the severity of my newfound attitude. To make a long story short, instead of disciplining the others for blatantly refusing to do their jobs, I was disciplined for my standing up to them. I stated my case, I explained what was going on, said just because I was the one complaining about what was going on, doesn’t make me the problem. The problem is the other 2 people that have been there for years doing the same infantile crap year in and year out. But no, I was told that I did NOT work harder than they do, and in fact, was getting my hours cut down by 4 a week…after my hours were already down by 20% from over a year ago because I had to get away from the source of the stress! I had enough on Monday, and I said I will not stick around if this is how it’s going to be, and I left.

I have been stressing so much that its been taking me hours to fall asleep at night. Stressing over the aggravations at work, what I want to say to the boss, to others, stressing over my home life…a whole other story for another time. After the first initial night of sleeplessness over what happened when I walked out of my job, I find myself falling asleep faster, and waking earlier, feeling more awake and ready to face the day. Maybe it’s energy because I know I have all day to do whatever I want to do. Maybe it’s that I’m actually resting. I’m still very sad that I am not working in the Veterinary business, and that I probably will not be able to again, unless I move somewhere. Insider information and location makes it undesirable or improbable that I would be working at another clinic within driving distance of where I live. I still catch myself reliving the reasons I was stressed, being angry at the double standards, and how much I gave to my workplace, and wishing I could say just one more thing to them. I try to tell myself that they have used up enough of my time and my energy over the past 3 years, they are not getting any more!

I’ve been walking around for the last 3 years so frustrated that my jaw is almost always clenched. My spirit was folded up and being smashed into submission. Now that I’m out of the situation, I am trying to make sure I do something each day that helps me unfold myself and find that happy person that I used to be. She seems a stranger to me, I have to find her and get to know her all over again.
I plan to sit on this new situation, examine myself, the universe, the signs of what is now, and what is to come. Come on Universe…I leaped, I’m waiting for you to catch me :)