tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57234547902400312092024-02-07T00:39:59.163-08:00Random Thoughts of an Over ThinkerMy over active mind never stops, not even to sleep. Thoughts race by at the speed of light, never stopping to take a breath. Transitioning from one subject to the next with no warning. I'm a prisoner of my own mind. SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE!Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.comBlogger67125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-56162456466566299232011-11-17T18:20:00.000-08:002011-11-17T19:42:30.250-08:00ThankfulLately, I’ve been making it a point of consciously giving thanks every day for the good that exists in my life. Of course there are days that really suck, and things I wish hadn’t happened, or feelings I wish didn’t exist. On those days, even if the only thing I can find good in that day is the smile that comes to my face when I see my dogs’ happy tails, I am deeply, and profoundly happy that I have them in my life, and I am thankful for the joy they bring me. <br /><br />The truth is, we all have things to be thankful for, even if our lives are spiraling downhill, or life seems to be a constant uphill struggle. There is almost always SOMEthing that we can stop and be thankful for. So, I wanted share with you the thank you checklist that I've been mentally go through every night when my head hits my pillow.<br /><br />Thank you for this day, another day in my life. Thank you for my health, well-being and physical abilities, and the health and well-being of my family. <br /><br />As materialistic as it might sound, I’m grateful for the things I have around me, a nice house, good vehicles, the privilege of riding a motorcycle, and the ability and opportunity to race, and all life’s little and not so little conveniences in my possession. <br /><br />I’m thankful for having been able to work in animal medicine, and find my passion, and hope to continue to be able to do that at some point soon. <br /><br />Thank you for the fulfilling and unconditional love of my animals and for the opportunity to save precious lives. <br /><br />And finally, I’m thankful for the people who have touched my life. Some of them may not have been in the best way, but I am stronger for the experience nonetheless. But, mostly, I'm grateful for my loved ones, be they family by blood, or by association, for my friends who may as well be family, and for the friends I’ve made that I have never even met in person, but am privileged to connect with regularly through the internet. Thank you for the support, kindness, caring, consideration, encouragement, education, commiseration, and LOVE. I may not always act deservedly of it, but I am truly grateful for each and every one of you.Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-6939017655045825602011-09-29T20:02:00.000-07:002011-09-29T20:43:51.840-07:00The Howling Winds of ChangeThe leaves are turning, the temperatures are dropping, the winds are howling, the seasons are changing.<br />They say that change is the only constant in life. Everything around us is ever changing, some slowly, some in leaps and bounds. You can't escape change. But sometimes you can delay it. The world is closing in, the future is in the air.<br /><br />This is the time of year that sends me into a tailspin, and makes me reflect upon all of my relationships, past and present, and the seemingly happier times in my life. People may see me, or read my blog, and make their judgments on how happy or unhappy I seem, but there are few people out there, if any really, who truly know everything about me, and how I think. I don't let just anyone in, having learned that lesson the hard way, betrayed by my inner circle. The wounds are still fresh, and will definitely leave permanent scars. The walls are up now, and I'm not sure there is anyone out there that can tear them down, or would even want to. Betrayal changes a person, and their relationships from that moment forward. <br /><br />Change for the worse has a way of giving you a whole new appreciation for how good things once were, and, conversely, change for the better can give you a sense of relief and accomplishment in what you have overcome, a new perspective on your strengths and abilities. Relationship changes, well, that's a mixed bag of feelings. A majority of my insecurities are a result of those feelings of fear, dread, anxiety, hope, excitement, joy, sorrow, anger, despair, loss, faith, prayer, that come with ever changing relationships in my life. When you've had more people in your life come and go, or let you down, I suppose that second guessing everyone around you is only natural. <br /><br />In spite of all the let downs, I still see myself as a die hard believer, a fixer, a leave no stone unturned to try to make the outcome work in your favor kind of person. But, sometimes, I do find myself wondering where the cut off point should be. When should you cut your losses, and when do you try 'one more time'? Where is that elusive line in the sand that dictates when enough is truly enough, or the point where you are crossing over into 'fool territory'? I guess that's where faith comes in. I have faith, and I cling to it, but sometimes, when it's all I can do to remain standing when the winds of change are trying to knock me down, my faith is bending in the wind too. Not just my faith in others, but my faith in myself is being bent to the breaking point. <br /><br />I'm just trying to withstand each storm, and will assess the damage in the aftermath, that's all any of us can do.Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-47211629805787255792011-08-18T18:35:00.000-07:002011-08-18T19:33:23.127-07:00What is it like to ride...putting words to a spiritual experience<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> 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Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">I’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ve</span> been asked to describe what it’s like to ride, and it’s really tough to put a feeling into words. Riding is religion for some, a way of living, not a pastime, it’s a devotion more than a hobby.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">It’s so much bigger than words. Its that great love that makes your heart soar and puts a contented and fulfilled smile on your face. When you ride you are one with the bike, immersed in the goodness of which God has created. Multi dimensional experiences, sights, sounds, smells, feeling the sun and air, wind, dirt, weather...easy to get lost in the joy of it, but a little danger there to remind you that even though you feel like the only being that exists in this place and time, you are fully exposed to everything around you, with nothing between you.
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">My bike is my other half, we are simpatico. I’m a warm weather girl, a desert rose I’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ve</span> been told, so when it’s hot and sunny, and I’m on my bike, it’s the best feeling in the world. Sometimes I hear<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Zeppelin singing “Oh let the sun beat down upon my face” when I ride...Mostly I wanna be just like a little kid in a field, blue sky overhead, arms outstretched, feeling every molecule of warm weather and fresh air being absorbed into my skin, head back, eyes closed, turning in circles until you fall down in the grass laughing. Well, I can’t close my eyes and spin around, but that’s the inner feeling. As a passenger, I have closed my eyes and stretched my arms out to feel the soft summer air rushing across my skin. But, on my own, obviously that can’t work out well.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">My bike brings me a giddy kind of pure joy. I get the biggest thrill over the shock factor when people find out that’s my bike, and that I drag race it. It's just <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">lil</span>' ole me, yeah...it's MINE...yeah, I did that....hell yeah, I race it with NITROUS too! It’s definitely a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">perma</span> grin. A smidgen of smugness, a ton of pride, and a whole <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">lotta</span> passion. Me and my machine, an open, winding road, where we become one living breathing roaring being. I feel rooted into the seat, the tires smoothly rolling down fresh pavement. A little lean to the right and we drift right, shift my body left, go to the left. Sometimes, when I’m feeling really in tune and part of the bike, I’ll shift my hip to one side, then the other, making us move back & forth, it’s a smooth flowing, seamless connection between rider and machine, a feeling of flawless control. Perfection. I’ve likened it to the closest you could get to being able to fly. The machine feels like a part of you, so it feels almost as if you could<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>open your arms wide and lift off. It brings me a warm, radiant smile, that I can feel grow from the inside out. It’s a fever, an addiction, an obsession, my heart’s desire.
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; margin-left:.5in">I saw one of my riding fb friends say if he wanted to know if she was a good woman, all he had to do is look at the toe of her left boot (for shifter marks). When I look down at the scuffs on my boot, I'm not bummed that my nice boots are scarred, I'm beaming with pride, because that makes it obvious to all who see it. Every click of my odometer is a trophy to me, the higher the numbers the more abundant the experience.
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">As the summer days wind down, I can feel the hours left of riding season ticking away. Come early fall, every sunny, warm day is one of which to be taken advantage, because you never know which one will be the last day you will ride. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"></span>Every opportunity is a moment to savor the good stuff.</p><p class="MsoNormal"> Over the winter, I swear I can hear my bike whimper from the dark corner of the garage. She’s pouting, and so am I. I’m restless, and bored, lost, impatiently counting the weeks down til spring. Every time I hear a bike, I feel my heart frown. I miss her, desperately. Visits to the dealer make me drool over the shiny new bikes, and if there’s one on the floor that they happen to start, the sound gives me goosebumps, and the smell of the exhaust is intoxicating. My mind drifts back to summer days, the sound of a Harley, the smells of exhaust and fresh cut grass. The good days indeed. By the end of winter I am on pins and needles anticipating the start of a new riding season, like a kid counting the days til Christmas.</p>Riding brings me inner peace and contentment, a warmth. It's living in the moment and embracing all that is good in life, and the serenity and focus to work through the not so good. It's two wheel therapy. No matter how many miles and hours I spend on the bike, when it comes time to put her in the garage, my heart is always disappointed. My spirit wants a never ending journey of peace and contentment. Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-31926356195287626642011-07-25T09:41:00.000-07:002011-07-27T11:21:24.921-07:00One of the Fam<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0sI1KHRmNZeAgN7QOU7vwh0Z9WQlSjYtX6O0InqKGO1eGGSsryWFX9mRCkY21kNrsveQY-fnoFru73FZMvtyJFI92acm82G9HtoJz3JEQVIZPP__nt2nl7wdUuSGRK6GEJWyrmzcHv0kS/s1600/Photo0084.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0sI1KHRmNZeAgN7QOU7vwh0Z9WQlSjYtX6O0InqKGO1eGGSsryWFX9mRCkY21kNrsveQY-fnoFru73FZMvtyJFI92acm82G9HtoJz3JEQVIZPP__nt2nl7wdUuSGRK6GEJWyrmzcHv0kS/s320/Photo0084.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5633357026458896642" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" 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name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">It felt like it had been an eternity since my last AMRA race. I raced the season opener back in March, but having passed on the Georgia race because it was too far to drive, and opting out of the June Bowling Green race because no one was going & the weather was looking unfavorable made it feel like I hadn’t raced since last season. Money is always an issue when it comes to drag racing. It’s an expensive and rarely, if ever, profitable habit. Expenses of food, entrance for the weekend, race entries, and fuel in an RV that only gets 9 mpg all become factors in making the decision if you’re going or not. This race, being in Michigan, was the closest to home it will ever get for me, so I was glad to be going, even though no one else decided or was able to come with.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">A nice, short, 2 ½ hour drive to the track was a welcome treat, barely enough time to get nervous on the ride there. Upon arrival and seeing the Friday night Chopperfest schedule showed grudge racing, I didn’t get any test & tune track time in, <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>and figured I’d get that in Saturday before the races. Well, Saturday’s driver’s meeting informed us that due to money issues the track was not allowing us to test & tune like usual. I don’t know what that was about, maybe it had something to do with the track not wanting to pay people to dry off the lanes after the morning’s rain, who knows. But there was no test & tune before Sunday's races either. I was a tad bit bothered, to say the least. I usually need to get a few ‘throw away’ runs in so I can focus on one detail at a time. My first run, the bike almost always<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>misbehaves, and I count on having that extra seat time. Then I can start paying attention to things like launch rpm, arm position, and light timing. But, that was not to be this weekend. Right from the get go, my divisions were staging, back to back. Good when it’s over because it’s nothing but down time to relax after that, but not so good if you haven’t had time to warm up properly! Qualifying runs were just ‘ok’ as far as times go, I’ve done better, but I’ve also done worse. My best run wasn’t even in SE class, where I have to be as close to 11.50 as possible, but the field wasn’t too large, so it turned out ok, as I qualified 10th. My best time of the weekend, an 11.68 wasn’t even in SE class, so my qualifying time ended up being 11.86, with a really pathetic reaction time. I suppose I could say I did that to play head games with whoever I draw to race against, but that would be too calculated for this beginner lol. Nope, I just plain sucked due to no extra seat time. My E class time was a decent 12.09 (which is <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>up there with my best no-nos times) , I wasn’t spraying NOS, it was too hot and I had too many concerns over bottle pressure. At one point I paired up against a Screamin’ Eagle, which I was again sleeping at the tree, but ended up beating, in spite of having a brain fart & letting off at the 1/8<sup>th</sup> mile. WHAT was I thinking!?!?!? Lol I was thinking, whoo hoo, I’m done…oh wait, no I’m not, they just have the 1/8<sup>th</sup> mile marked well, get back on that throttle stupid!!! And I still beat the Screamin’ Eagle with the bigger motor , bwahahahahaha!<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Once they posted the results brackets, I was informed I was paired up with the division points leader, oh joy. He’s running consistently in the 11.5’s and cut a .04 light…SWELL.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>It was a long night bouncing back & forth from resigning myself that I was being eliminated first round, to thinking, so use it to your advantage, he will see your stats and think he can relax, surprise him. Morning drivers meeting was uneventful, and I had a long time to ruminate over the situation, as my classes were in running order numbers <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>12 & 13.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>SE class (11.50 class) was first, and I had an over full bottle of nos, and the purge was only working when it wanted to. Spent a lot of time worrying about it, and it had to be manually purged several times. I mentally envisioned myself cutting a good light, nailing shifts, & having a good run, and telling myself he was just some other rider, so what if he’s points leader, that doesn’t mean squat. I rolled up to the line, made sure I was the last to stage, kept my rpm’s up, but my RT was only so so, and the bike bogged pretty bad off the line. I guess I must have dumped the clutch too fast. Needless to say, he won. Oh well, time to line up for the Eliminator class. I chose 12.08 on my dial in, because I’d be pissed if I broke out of my best time of 12.09. Turns out I didn't have to worry about breaking out, cuz it bogged again, and I ran a 12.46. I fouled by .078, but he fouled worse, so I won. It was close though, he ran a 12.39, so if we hadn’t both fouled, we were just about neck & neck. My 2<sup>nd</sup> round of E class was a disappointment from the get go. My opponent was only 9.90 second Screamin’ Eagle Destroyer rider Andy Horn, no competition there!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>LOL I cut one of the best lights I had all weekend, but I was too aggressive off the line, and the bike got almost sideways and I probably did a 20 foot burnout. Apparently some woman watching said “OH SHIT” , that’s kind of what I was saying to myself, as I’ve never gotten so squirrelly on a launch that I had to put my foot down. I mostly rode it out though. I guess I picked the wrong spot to line up, and was just a little bit aggressive off the line. You live, you learn. There’s no shame in losing to a Destroyer, I want one of those SO DAMN BAD!!! (Note to self...I NEED sponsors BAD)<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">All in all, a good time was had. I learned a few things from talking to the folks around me.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I had forgotten how friendly, and genuinely nice the AMRA ‘family’ is.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>It’s more than just a competition, in fact, the competition part takes a back seat to the camaraderie and celebration of doing what you love. I did catch myself sitting (sweating my ass off, of course) in the staging lanes looking around me, and remembering how insanely intimidated I was at my first event. I was seeing all the racers around me, and feeling like I was a fish out of water, an amateur that didn’t belong<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>here. This was only my 3<sup>rd</sup> AMRA event, but I really felt more like one of ‘them’, and that was because they’re all really good, and regular folks, just having fun and sharing the love. It’s an expensive addiction, and I want more more more! </p><p class="MsoNormal">From where I sit, even though life can be tough to manage, and it could be difficult to see the finish line through the clouds that sometimes loom ahead…LIFE really is ultimately GOOD, and getting better with each passing day.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p>Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-49176019703220759252011-05-25T08:04:00.000-07:002011-05-25T08:24:51.887-07:00Be grateful for the little things/Prayer RequestI've not had a good few days lately. Personal things, mostly. Nothing new, the same things I've struggled with for years but am unable to correct at this point in my life. Patience is a virtue with which I have not been overly blessed. But I'm doing the best that I can with the little that I have.<br /><br />It's storming pretty intensely here this morning, and I'm sure my basement will be taking water through the garage stairwell as it has been for a long time now. On the long list of to do things when there is 'extra cash', yeah right. The weather has it's way of making one miserable, if they allow it. In spite of the gloom and darkness, thunder and torrential down pouring out my window, I choose to look at the sunlight. How my silly dogs light up my life, the anticipation of the next trip to the race track, my shiny black motorcycle, my freedom to sleep in if I choose/aka the bright side to unemployment.<br /><br />My perspective, as of late, has been enlightened by the owner/Mom to the Husky I have volunteered to foster while she is receiving chemo and hopefully a stem cell transplant for brain cancer. I had never met her or known about her, I merely responded to a post on animal <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">control's</span> wall one day. I love huskies with a passion, and I'd have a whole sled team if I had the resources. They're <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">hilarious</span> and silly, and a joy to be around. They bring me joy. So, it was just my way to pay it forward. Turns out, Sandy (Abby's owner/Mom) is just about all alone. She's quite sick, the cancer seriously affecting one whole side of her face, her speech, the ability to close one eye, and her ability to walk without aid. Yet, having no family left to speak of, has been fortunate to find a great friend and a neighbor to bring her to and from her treatments, they look out for her. In spite of her disabilities and sickness, she insisted on coming out to my house to help retrieve Abby from me and to personally thank me for caring for her beloved Abby. She kept trying to insist on giving me money, and of course, I declined ever time. What a sweet woman. Sandy hasn't been well this past couple weeks. Her <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">blood work</span> has not been good enough to receive the last chemo required to start stem cell transplant (a pretty serious setback). And, lately, has had a lot of pain. If she can't manage her pain on her own, she will be admitted to the hospital eventually.<br /><br />So, I find myself thinking about Sandy, and all she is going through, and that helps me realize that whatever I have going on is part of the 'don't sweat the small stuff' theory. And know that everything shall pass...it all does. My request to all of you is, please, pray for Sandy, who is almost all alone, and fighting so hard to get through this treatment. Pray for her treatment and recovery during this incredibly difficult time that requires extraordinary strength.<br /><br />Thank you :)Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-28144633964224134162011-05-22T19:10:00.000-07:002011-05-22T19:56:49.213-07:00My ride taking flight<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> 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mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">Did the first poker run of the riding season today. I’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ve</span> always loved poker runs. It’s a perfect combination of getting in a bunch of miles with multiple destinations, going places you’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ve</span> never been, having the camaraderie of a bunch of bikers kicking back and sharing a meal at the end of the trip, music, a little gambling, and of course, a chance for prizes. The best part of it all is it’s for a good cause.<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">This run was for Breast Cancer. That’s a cause I wholeheartedly support, and I try to find as many events as I can. My maternal Grandmother had breast cancer, and it’s listed as her cause of death (long story here, but it was a multitude of events post mastectomy that were just too much for her to handle). I was called in for ultrasound after a questionable mammogram several years ago. Then, after the ultrasound, I had to go in for a needle guided biopsy. It took what seemed like forever to get the results, and an eternity sitting in the doctor’s office waiting for her to come in to give me the results. “It <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">isn</span>’t cancer, but, we need to remove it or it will be.” I needed a lumpectomy. I had a bit of a meltdown on my drive home, lucky I could even see the road, actually. The procedure was fairly normal for everyone involved, but not for me. I had to go in very early in the morning, go to ultrasound so they could insert a wire in the exact location of the lump, then be wheeled to the OR for the surgery with this protruding piece of wire, surreal for sure. I was full of anxiety and nerves, but the staff at the St. Anthony Breast Care Center was warm, and caring, and made me feel so much more comfortable, and less alone.</p><p class="MsoNormal">Thank God, that for me, the final results of the lumpectomy were negative and I could go on with life as I knew it. A huge relief. Now, I take into consideration how much comfort a quality staff and facility means to a patient. ALL donations to breast cancer help develop skills and tools to help the patient, or gives the patient basic needs such as free mammograms or donated wigs so those in chemo can get some feeling of normalcy. So, if you can, give whatever you’re able, because every dollar is like a warm and caring embrace to someone in a desperate moment of need.<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">On my ride today, I spent some time absorbing and savoring the sensations that I’ve missed so much over the winter. The wind in my hair, the sun on my face, the silky soft warm air on my skin, the sporadic pockets of floral perfumed air, good music from my iPod, and the sound of my bike and the wind becoming one from underneath me, and traveling up through me. There are all sorts of explanations of what it feels like to ride a motorcycle. I think it must be as close to flying as you can get without actually leaving the ground. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>If I could, I would close my eyes and spread my arms out in the open and soar. It’s the feel and sound of the wind rushing past, almost through you, and taking in every sensation of your environment. You are so absorbed in that moment of living that the machine beneath you is no longer noticeable, it becomes an extension of you, and then you alone are being propelled forward through space, all time stands still and you simply feel, observe and live in the moment. Well, that’s my take on it anyway. It brings me to a place where I appreciate all the little things so much more, and feel closer to the Universe, or God, or whatever you want to label our creator. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">It’s living in the moment and loving life, and feeling like life is giving you a warm and caring embrace. You don’t have to ride to feel that way. I suggest you go out and find something that you do that makes you feel good, and feel the powerful embrace of life. For me, it’s riding.</p>Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-54320077340196772702011-05-19T07:45:00.000-07:002011-05-19T08:48:20.488-07:00Learning to celebrate ALL that I am.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:splitpgbreakandparamark/> <w:dontvertaligncellwithsp/> <w:dontbreakconstrainedforcedtables/> 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Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="21" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="31" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="32" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="33" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">We all have quirks, traits, pet peeves, reflex reactions, and instincts. Good or bad, desirable or undesirable, they make us who we are.</p> <ul><li><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Me, I’m a chronic thinker, and I worry too much. But, it makes me prepared for what might come my way. I like to plan, and know what’s going to happen, so I’m as well equipped as I can be to handle what’s next.</li></ul> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <ul><li>I’m stubborn, but that means I will stick with something until all avenues are exhausted, I give my best effort and then some. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></li></ul> <ul><li>Some might see me as a know it all, but really, I just have tons of ideas and a lot of excitement and passion to see if I can do something and if it will make a difference. </li></ul> <ul><li>I’m impulsive, and impatient, I like to go out and get what I want or need as soon as possible.</li><li>I can be insecure about some things, but it's merely a result of past experience, and it shows that I don't believe that I'm all that. I know I'm worthy because I give my all, but I'm not so arrogant that I'm certain there is nothing better.<br /></li></ul> <ul><li>I’m eager to please, and love to be valued, which, sometimes makes me more selfless than I should be.</li></ul> <ul><li>I may be needy, but it only means that I feel so strongly that I crave and desire something so much that I just want that much more. </li></ul> <ul><li>I love with abandon, sometimes to my own detriment, and because of that, I’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ve</span> been burned, but I still believe. That has made me afraid of being vulnerable and trusting completely. It takes a long time to let someone in. But I promise, if you get there, it will be SO worth it.</li></ul> <ul><li>I’m devoted, caring, giving, and will be there if someone I care for needs me. </li></ul> <ul><li>I can be too negative, but there are certain things in my life that I cannot change (yet) and they have a way of dragging me down. I do my best to find the good stuff and focus on that, but even the most positive people in the world have their moments. </li></ul> <ul><li>I believe that God and the Universe have a plan, and I am a child of destiny. I’d like to know what that destiny is (there’s the chronic thinker worrier talking) but wouldn’t we all like to know that!? </li></ul> <ul><li>I am a believer in fate, and I refuse to let go of my hopes and dreams, but sometimes fear I’m beating my head against a brick wall. Yet, my stubbornness keeps me going and believing.</li></ul> <p class="MsoNormal">There you have me, in a nutshell. A little mental, some might say crazy, but it is who I am, and what makes me different than anyone you will meet!</p>Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-76201018148129596322011-05-10T13:49:00.000-07:002011-05-10T13:54:03.940-07:00Timing is EVERYTHING<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> 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mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">For a while now, I’ve been watching my life path drifting away from where it once was. I’m not so sure if that path is drifting away from me, or I’m drifting off the path that I THOUGHT was where I should be going. I suppose it’s a little of both. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Either way, it’s got me contemplating everything. I’m a chronic analyst. I think about everything, all the time. I’m one of those people who feels like if all the angles are covered, I’ll understand it all, and be better able to work with the plan. I’m a fixer, a doer, a fighter (not combative, but fighting for what I believe and for what I love). Yes, I’m a control freak, in the sense that I like to keep myself in control, in check, if you will, and when I lose it, it upsets me greatly. I try to leave no stone unturned, so that, in the end, I can rest on the fact that I did everything I could have possibly done. I’m always thinking at least one step ahead of right now. You would think that would have gotten me somewhere further than where I am by now, wouldn’t you? But, I am starting to feel like my drive to FIX it, might be driving me right into the unfixable.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> I’m at a point in my life where I’m reevaluating every decision I ever made. The heart and eyes that I possess now contain more experience than ever, and are causing my mind to revisit my past and try to figure out what happened then, who I thought I was, what’s happening now, who I have become, and where do I go from here. My fear of the unknown is a big problem when it comes to navigating the unsolved puzzle of life. The unknown has brought me so many things, many of them for which I am grateful. Life also has brought an ample supply of ‘blessings in disguise’. I realize that they have made me stronger, but the struggle to climb through them has not been my favorite part, to say the least. I’ve had enough of that, I don’t want to go back there. I’m looking for my happy ever after. Aren’t we all! I’m not delusional, I realize that no one is always happy all the time. That’s not what I’m talking about, not at all. I’m wondering where do I go from here…I’m not a ‘let’s flip a coin kind of person’, never have been. I know who I want to be, and what makes me feel like that person.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Problem is, the view of the path to get there is obstructed. What to do…cut down the forest in front of me and trudge forward with fierce determination without regard for the no see’um critters that may be lurking?… take the time to gather the supplies (so much time has gone by already), build the ladder, climb to the top of the wall to get a better view (I’ve already bloodied my head beating it up against a wall plenty, to no avail)……or bust that fucker down with the biggest sledge hammer I can find? What to do, what to do?</p>Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-75545307230290612362011-04-17T18:48:00.001-07:002011-04-17T19:53:08.468-07:00Anticipation...is making me.........crazy~<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">It’s the middle of April…</p> <p class="MsoNormal">The weather has been taunting those of us who prefer the 2 wheel mode of transportation, and especially tormenting for those of us who rely on such for therapy.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">The sweet song of the wind in our ears is soothing to our souls, and after a long winter, those souls are sorely in need. It’s been an agonizingly long winter, but the grass is finally turning green, the sun looks so inviting (when it’s out), and our bikes are calling our names. I swore I could hear mine whimpering from under her blanket all winter, hidden in the dark, cold recesses of the corner of the garage. As if riding weather <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">wasn</span>’t anticipation enough, there’s race season to add to it. I made my official drag racing debut at the FINAL race of the season in Bowling Green KY last September.<span style=""> </span>Baptism by fire, having my first race in the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">AMRA</span> Fall Finals, and the beginning taste of a potential full-fledged addiction.<span style=""> </span>I found something else totally enticing and addicting too…watching the guys hover around my bike brainstorming about what they can do to make it go FASTER. Oh YEAH, gimme whatever you have in mind, and let’s GO RACING!<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The days are getting longer, the sun closer, and the temperatures warmer, and I’m itching to get out there and savor a new season’s worth of moments. Only one problem…my bike is in the shop. It’s all good though, she’s getting fitted with nitrous and a quick shifter! I don’t have a problem with the bike being in the shop, it’s a GOOD THING. I’m just sitting here, on pins and needles, with, not only the anticipation of riding season, not only a new full racing season, but brand new TOYS! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">OMG</span>, I will be riding a Night Rod Special with NITROUS!! That’s some crazy ass shit right there! </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I feel like I’m going to burst with excitement. I know that the job at hand is being completed with the utmost of meticulous care and precision and is all but complete. I am sure it will be ready to be sent for tuning any day now. <span style=""> </span>All good things come to those who wait, so I’m trying my best to wait patiently…and for those of you who know me, that’s a BIG DEAL, cuz I’m lacking in that patience department. I’m a bundle of cheesy grins and nerves all wrapped up in eager anxiety, and it feels good to me.<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I can’t wait for the payoff, to see how much time we can trim off my ¼ mile, to qualify for more divisions, <span style=""></span> to see the smiles on the faces of ‘my crew’ who helped accomplish it. So, in advance, in case I pee my pants with excitement (or fear) and miss the prime opportunity, a big fat THANK YOU to Steve & Brian for slapping this big cheesy Cheshire cat grin on my face already! U ROCK!<br /></p>Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-58857771627297629652011-03-28T20:40:00.000-07:002011-03-29T18:03:11.043-07:00Leaps, bounds, and thousandths of seconds at 108+mphMeasuring my growth by the foot, and in thousandths of a second at 100+ mph.<br /><br /><br />This past weekend was an event that has been counted down to by many for months….the season opener of the 2011 AMRA Drag Racing. Long awaited, and eagerly anticipated, like children counting down to the last day of the school year. We’ve all been making our plans and preparations for ‘next year’ over the winter, and now, ‘next year’ is finally here.<br /><br />The weather forecast was less than ideal, and many of us were opting out of the expense of traveling when the odds of being able to race weren’t in our favor. The whole week prior to leaving was a mental tug of war. We’re going, check the forecast, we’re not going, check the forecast, we’re going, we’re not going. And then just as I was sure the final decision was made, a last minute phone call…'get ur shit together, we’re goin’ racing'! And I was off and running like the proverbial headless chicken, but I got all my gear and we packed the truck tight & hit the road. 350 miles of anticipation, with crossed fingers and high hopes.<br /><br />The turnout was pretty small, the temperature was a chilly 49 degrees and windy with cloudy skies, but we managed to get test n tune and several time trial runs in before the skies opened up on us and sent the whole pit scurrying to bring their 2 wheeled babies in for cover. Right from the start, I felt fairly pleased at my re-entry into my racing endeavor. The last time I took a stab at this, I was a bundle of nerves, and trying to keep at bay the internal self talk that wanted me to turn and run for my life. I noticed that now, instead of the shaking, the heart pounding in my chest and up into my head, and the Darth Vader-like breathing from inside my helmet from my first experience, I was a bit more composed, and dare I say somewhat comfortable. I’ve been through this once before, now I know where I should be, and what I’m supposed to do, the absence of uncertainty was of great comfort to me, and allowed me to relax a little. Of course I was a bit nervous when I rolled up to stage the first time, but it was more anxiety than it was fear. An eager anxiousness . It only took a couple times at the tree before I felt reacquainted with my reaction timing, and before I knew it, I had broken my personal best time, in spite of it being a bit of a slick track.<br /><br />Sunday was gloomy and we were determined to squeeze the rest of qualifying and eliminations in before the impending rains came again. Even though it seemed scurried at times, it went pretty well. There weren’t a ton of bikes, so I seized the opportunity to get as many passes in as I could. It was cold, and even with my heated grips cranked up, my fingers were getting numb, but I was determined to get as much in as I could. I felt like I was hitting a nice groove, content…frozen, but settled. I basically just turned laps, until my fingers began to sting from being so cold. I guess I just didn’t notice how cold they really were until they started to burn. Somehow, I managed to break my personal best twice! Before this weekend, the fastest I had ever run was a 12.34 at 107mph. Saturday I hit a 12.28 at 108mph, but I red lit, so I didn’t get a results ticket. Sunday, I broke the NEW personal best, and ran a 12.27 at 108.84 mph. I knew it was a good run, I FELT it. I was wide open, shifting at the right time, feeling the force of the wind pushing my helmet, throttle pinned down, not letting up at all and I was in front of the bike in the next lane. It was SWEET. Exhilarating doesn’t even begin to describe it. I entered myself in two classes. In the class with the faster bikes, SE class, I resign myself to the fact that I’m only doing it for seat time. The field is large and the bikes are about a full second faster than me, and I know I pretty much don’t stand a chance. But, it’s good to have track time for practice. Well, I’ll be damned, I ALMOST made the field! I made 1st alternate in SE class. Yes, it’s the fastest among the ‘losers’ as some might look at it, but hell, that was closer than I had gotten before! I was told to line up next to the field and be ready just in case someone doesn’t make it. I watched one of the competitors roll his bike out of line and I instantly got that shaky, hard to breathe, chest pounding case of nerves, oh my God, I could have to go up there!!! Stay cool, breathe slow, focus, you can do this. Then they got the other bike started so I didn’t get to run. But that’s fine, I was happy to be farther up the list than I had ever gotten.<br /><br />I almost missed my class, everything was out of order, and a little chaotic, I had to scurry to get myself to the staging lanes at the last minute. Gave myself the ‘if you wanna be a big dog, here you go, get off the porch’ talk, and went over a little mental check list. “Gloves, jacket zippers, seat position, CHECK! Did some self reminders: throttle pinned down, shift, then see where the bike in the next lane is, remember this time, roll out a bit if you’re ahead so you don’t break out!!!” I had been feeling pretty good about the experience so far…until I got to the line, watched the tree light up and got just a little tiny bit too eager to roll…and red lit! Grrrrr!!!!<br /><br />So I screwed up when it counted most…I beat myself up about it for a little while, over analyzing every little detail. But then I made a mental list of the progress I had noted in the past two days. It may have only been in thousandths of seconds, but in drag racing, every fraction matters. I got myself down into the 12.2’s, made 1st alternate in SE class. I was able to run the whole track with the throttle pinned wide open. I rode out some slick and squirrely launches, where as before, I would react out of intimidation and let off. I got to talk to a few fellow racers, and was again, impressed by the feeling of family. I was complimented, and asked if I had raced anything before, and that really meant a lot to me. One of the spectators gave me a thumbs up when I rolled up to the line, I had no idea who she was. I broke my personal best, and I didn’t let fear get the best of me. It might have only been tiny fractions of improvement, but it was leaps and bounds as far as I'm concerned. I measured up better than before, and that was good enough for me.<br /><br />Have you ever spent the best time of your life with the one you LOVE the most and you just want to live in that moment forever? Yeah, it's like THAT!<br /><br />I can’t wait to do it all again, come on June!!!!Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-75587252602864705272011-03-01T19:04:00.000-08:002011-03-01T19:09:41.519-08:00MistakenDo not mistake …<br />my tears for weakness, <br />I may cry when I’m overwhelmed, but I am strong<br />My smile for happiness or my straight face for lack thereof<br />I may smile when I’m uncomfortable, or when filled with love<br />My needing you for selfishness<br />I may allow myself to need you, but I know my worth<br />My willingness to put you first for selflessness<br />I pick you because you bring me joy, but I can change my mind if necessary<br />My high tolerance for being a doormat<br />My tolerance level is equal to the amount of love and caring I feel from you<br />My loving you above all else for being a pushover<br />I love you as much as you love me, and if there is imbalance, I can reevaluate <br />My choosing you above all for lack of choices<br />I CHOOSE you because you make me feel important too<br />My silence for anger or unhappiness<br />I quietly reflect all I feel, the good and the bad<br />My eagerness to give all of me for foolishness<br />I see more than you know, and feel more than I show<br /><br />Give all, but be all, to deserve love is to have earned love<br />Welcome it, cherish it, but most of all, nurture it<br />And never ever be neglectful ofArizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-50891917750781958722011-02-14T11:39:00.000-08:002011-02-14T11:43:28.235-08:00Love LetterDearest <br />As you’ve had your reasons, your friends, and family, and loves have proven themselves to be fleeting at times, you’ve gone through too much of your life believing you are not good enough. <br />I’m writing to tell you that you’re right, you’re NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You are so much better than just good enough! <br /><br />You, my dear, are a precious gem, with a beautiful loving heart. I know it’s been broken, and you have your guard up, but your love is grand, and it deserves to be shown. You may have been hurt by those who have taken advantage or for granted of your trust and devotion, but the tragedy is theirs, not yours. They missed out on a most precious gift. They had a taste of it, but they will never know the scope of your affection and devotion. But that’s ok, they didn’t deserve it, as they’ve shown you. Don’t let that deter you from giving your whole heart to those who do.<br /><br />When you look in the mirror, stop focusing on the scars & flaws, they are there, but a small part of who you are. As with the thorns and curled leaves on a rose, the whole picture is created by God, so take it all in. Embrace yourself, you are the only you there is. A fingerprint, a precious diamond, with a heart of gold. Fear not, of what others think of you, they are just as flawed as you are. Do not come from a place of self destruction, self loathing, self defeating, but one of unconditional self love that you richly deserve. In spite of betrayals, botched circumstances, detours, you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now. Trust yourself and what you believe to be true. Pain and heartache have turned into the light of knowing how wonderful happiness feels. Heartbreak and loss has shown you how precious and extraordinary love really is. False love by impostors sheds clear light on the divinity of true love.<br /><br />Do not pass judgment on the aspects of your personality that you may wish weren’t there, but embrace them as opportunity to learn from, for they are only a tiny fragment of your being. You, at your very essence are lovable, valuable, cherished, and worthy of celebration and total joy. So keep your heart open, and take it all in. Love yourself, unconditionally. You ARE worthy.<br /><br />Love,<br />MEArizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-3451885724482284802011-02-04T15:54:00.000-08:002011-02-04T18:22:46.752-08:00Who Do You Think YOU Are??Not so long ago, I was watching as Oprah explained and introduced the half sister she never knew she had. I found myself thinking what that must feel like. In much earlier posts I explained that my Dad was an abusive alcoholic, and has been estranged to me and my Son for 22 years, and was estranged prior to that as well, but in High School I looked him up. My Mom had said to me before, "I wouldn't be surprised if he had another family out there." This is why I found myself wondering what it's like to meet a sibling you didn't know existed. Ironically, in the middle of that episode, was a commercial for Marco Island & the Everglades, Florida, a place where my Dad had told me he spent his winters. I thought to myself, whoa, is this a sign from the universe? And if it is, I should act on it. So...I logged on to Ancestry.com, the next thing I knew, it was 5 p.m.! I only knew my Dad's Father's name, and wasn't certain of even that. Not too long after entering the both of them in my family tree, it brought up some hints for me to examine. Someone's family tree had my Grandfather listed as their father, and that was the only thing on their tree. I clicked on their info, and emailed them that their family may be related to me. By the next morning there was an email in my inbox, saying OMG, your Dad is my brother, you're my Niece! I didn't know my Dad had siblings.<br /><br />Before the end of the next day we had exchanged phone numbers, and my 'new' Aunt called me. We talked about the family tree, and she told me that my Dad had 2 sons from a prior marriage, and that they were adopted by their Mom's 2nd husband, and she didn't know their names. I have 2 half brothers out there somewhere. I'm stunned, and now I'm second guessing so much of what I thought I was. I've grown up an only child, and now I'm not. Mind boggling to say the least. What do I do with this information now? <br /><br />My little family has shrunken considerably in the past several years. I've lost my Mom's parents, the only Grandparents I ever knew, and a few years ago, my Mom passed away as well. When your Mom dies, you feel like an orphan, alone in the big world, with no one there. Yes, there are people around you, but in your core being, you feel that the last thread tying you down to earth was severed, and you could free fall at any moment. <br /><br />My 'new' Aunt is very kind, and seems to be quite caring toward me. She wants me to come visit this summer, and I'm thinking about it. She has 6 daughters, and she said to me "You could be my other Daughter!" Which I found very heartwarming, but that's the emptiness of losing my Mom and feeling like my whole family is gone talking. But, I was more than happy for the kindness. It made me feel less alone. Now, I have this whole branch of a family that I never knew existed, it's a lot to take in. I'm finding myself wondering if I should look up the 2 half brothers. That would be difficult, I'd have to hire someone to research it, as I don't even have names. According to my Dad, "they didn't turn out too well." And that, coming from an abusive alcoholic who has alienated everyone, and has been estranged from his only Daughter and Grandson for over 20 years! So, I'm on the fence about looking for them. Not to mention, do they even know they're adopted. So many thoughts, so many questions, so few options. <br /><br />Anyway, thanks to Ancestry.com and their 2 week free trial, I have found out about an Aunt & Uncles I didn't know I had, I've managed to search my family tree back to the mid 1800's, and found they immigrated from Germany and Ireland. And thanks to my 'new' Aunt, I've learned I'm not an only child, and that I am 9th cousin to Samuel Houston (who Houston TX was named after), and I am not only German, French & Irish, I'm also Choctaw Indian, and Prussian. All of this information learned in only a few days time. But my mind has been spinning for almost 2 weeks, and I anticipate longer. I thought I knew me, and it turns out, I'm someone else! Now, when someone asks how a German & Irish girl gets so damned tan, I can say that's the Choctaw Indian part showing. (Ironically, my house is full of Native American inspired art, prints by Maija & Marie Buchfink.) <br /><br />So, now, I get to explore the 'new' me.Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-4208953367476017142011-01-24T12:56:00.000-08:002011-01-24T12:58:29.879-08:00We are all the same26 years ago, I was sitting at a friend’s house with a ‘new’ boyfriend, watching the bears win the Superbowl. I was new to the crowd, sitting back, observing the company I was in. Little did I know then, that 26 years later I would be sitting at that same friend’s house at another Bears party realizing that I’ve had the same circles of friends for over 25 years. That’s a long time. Not everyone gets the good fortune to stay in contact with friends from that far back, let alone see them often. I use circles in the plural form, because everyone has many levels of friends. The ones you see all the time, the ones you see a few times a year at parties, ones you see less than that, and then there are the siblings and family members of those friends. Circles within circles. As I was sitting around watching everyone and seeing how our kids have all grown, I realized we’ve all changed too. Over the years, every one of us has changed and the tables have all shifted.<br />There are always dynamics at play within circles of friends. The hot guy, the perky cheerleaders, the picture perfect pretty girls, the entrepreneurial guy with a load of cash that always had a lot of nice things and girls all over, the bad boys getting in fights all the time, the hard drinkers, the cocky dude, the couple that went out and got their first apartment before anyone else who had been together forever and seemed inseparable. All of these characters in this play called life.<br />A quarter century later I’m sitting around the table thinking about everything that has gone on with everyone in the room. We’ve all had life happen. The hot guys are graying with bags under their eyes, bigger foreheads, bigger bellies, the size zero picture perfect girls are a little wider than they used to be, as happens with having kids, some of those forever relationships are now less than happy existences and some have turned to bitter divorces, some keep on ticking, most of us are living within our means, some successfully, some not so much, the dangerous guys have settled down, quit drinking, became family men, the cocky dude might still be so, but we all know he’s had his turn. All of those people who seemed ‘untouchable’ are, for the most part, on the same level now. We’re all the same. Life has mellowed us all. Some of us appear to have aged better than others, but that’s only because some wear it on their faces, and some keep it under wraps in their hearts, but we’ve all changed. Life happens to us all. A little pearl of wisdom learned through living a few more decades that can be shared with generations, those people who you might feel are better than or more popular than you, they’re not. Time will take them down the same path that we all travel, and it will change them. For the most part, we are all the same.Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-57397354961823563082011-01-14T14:17:00.000-08:002011-01-14T14:22:34.491-08:00From the Outside Looking InFrom the outside looking in.<br />Everyone out there has a story, a reason, a set of circumstances that make them the individual that they are. Some people have had a lot of difficult times to navigate through, and are learning how to deal with them. To some, the difficult times have been recent and they’re just now learning to get past them, and to others, those times were ages ago and will haunt them, to some degree, the rest of their lives. We’ve all had trouble on some level or another. Some trouble is life altering, some trouble is a fleeting irritation that one can brush off and keep going. Everyone’s trouble is different, and how you perceive it from the outside looking in may not be the way it is at all. <br /><br />Every trait in a person has it’s upside or downside. It’s how you focus on it that forms your opinion of that trait. Self confidence can be read as conceit or can be admirable. A person with a lot of knowledge or ideas can be seen as opinionated. If one is hard working and driven, one could see that as bossy, or self important. If one is happy go lucky, someone else might see immature, irresponsible. If one is responsible, one might think they are too serious, or lacking fun. Yet, if one is fun loving, one can see it as irresponsible. The flip side of moody is that a person feels deeply, loves deeply, and cares deeply. If someone loves with abandon, they can be seen as foolish, reckless, but some see it as giving their all to someone. Some see a person who would do anything for someone else as a weakness and some may use it to their advantage, meanwhile others seek out that very trait in a partner. Some people can’t see humor in sarcasm. Others don’t understand grief and pain because they haven’t experienced it on the deepest level yet. Just about everyone has lost someone dear to them, and loss hurts. The depth of the loss is in direct proportion to how and when they get past it.<br /><br />Everyone has a different outlook on life, and it’s uniquely their own, it’s not one size fits all, and yours isn’t necessarily for me, nor mine for you. But that’s okay! We are an ever changing species, learning, experiencing, evolving, growing. If you judge someone based on things they’ve said, or their current disposition, you are shutting out every other piece of their personality. A person who has experienced a traumatic loss can be spiritually challenged on certain dates, or even for certain months. That doesn’t mean they are a miserable person, it means they’re doing the best that they can to ride it out, because they know it will pass eventually. One might see them as miserable, someone else might see it as an opportunity to give them love, and others may see nothing at all. It’s all a matter of perception. Your perception is as unique as a fingerprint, because only you are looking at the things and paying attention to the things you choose to see.<br /><br />So, the conclusion here is everyone is different, and sees things differently. It doesn’t make them right or you wrong. It just means we can take a moment to stop, think, listen, try to put yourself in their place for a minute, but realize that you still can’t fully feel what they are feeling. Then apply your love to all the good you can find, and watch the less than desirables fade into the distance. Circumstances change, feelings come and go like the tide. Love is acceptance. A simple theory that isn’t always easy to follow, apply love and have faith.Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-21585387659537791072010-12-31T19:42:00.000-08:002011-01-01T08:57:48.337-08:00Goodbye 2010, hello 2011<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:splitpgbreakandparamark/> <w:dontvertaligncellwithsp/> 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mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">It’s been a while since my last post.<span style=""> </span>It’s not because I haven’t still had a million thoughts running through my head, but because I’ve been a slacker, mostly. I’ve been finding a lot of things to keep me busy around the house since riding weather is gone, and I’ve been left to sit around & look at everything surrounding me. I refinished my counter tops, ripped out and re-caulked the tub, and I’m gearing up to tear down old wallpaper and paint. I really should get a job soon, before the whole inside of the house is torn apart!</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I spent the day running errands, cleaning house, making my ‘traditional’ new years eve dinner of fillet & lobster. It is the last day of 2010, and, of course I’ve been looking back on this past year. It’s been interesting, that’s for sure. I started the year frustrated and stressed, walked out on my job in May, and in spite of the lack of income, I’ve had a pleasant, de-stressing and adventurous riding season, which led me into a somewhat calmer fall. Yes, I got sad and missed my Mom, as I always do in October, <span style=""> </span>but this year, because I spent so much time truly savoring and enjoying the summer and life, I have been more ok with the changing seasons than<span style=""> </span>I have been in a long time. <span style=""> </span>I am more at peace. </p> <p face="trebuchet ms" class="MsoNormal">I listened to a few Alicia Keys songs today, and they had me thinking a lot about life, and how it is and has been for me.</p> <p style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal">Life perfect<br />Ain't perfect<br />If you don't know what the struggle's for<br />Falling down ain't falling down<br />If you don't cry when you hit the floor<br />It's called the past cause I'm getting past<br />And I ain't nothing like I was before<br />You ought to see me now<br /><br />Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned<br />Mistake overturned<br />So I call it a lesson learned<br />My soul has returned<br />So I call it a lesson learned</p> <p style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal">-------------------------------------<br /></p> <p style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal">Life is cheap, bittersweet<br />But it taste good to me<br /><br />Take my turn, crash and burn<br />That's how it's supposed to be<br /><br />So don’t rain on my parade<br />Life’s too short to waste one day<br /><br />I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall<br />Yes it sure looks good to me<br /><br />Time passed by leaves you behind<br />Take it naturally<br /><br />Heaven knows There’s so much more<br />More than what we see<br /><br />So don’t rain on my parade<br />Life’s too short to waste one day<br /><br />I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall<br />Yes it sure looks good to me<br /><br />And I feel like I’m seeing the world inside of me<br />But I can tell you that I know, it's getting easier to breathe,<br /><br />There’s a cold in the morning, endless equation<br />Of who’ve we've become, it’s a complex situation<br /><br />So live, love, life give love<br />Live, love, life, give love<br />Live, love, life, give love<br /><br />So don’t rain on my parade<br />Life’s too short to waste one day<br /><br />I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall<br />Yes it sure looks good to me<br />--------------------------------------------<br />Anyway, so, in spite of what appeared to be a setback, by losing income, I gained a new peace within myself. I’m not bidding good riddance to a bad year, but smiling because of the savor life moments I’ve been fortunate enough to notice and burn into memory. It’s just appreciation of the little things, really. But those little things have made a big difference in my state of mind. </p> <p style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal">I took a mental inventory last year, I plan on revisiting it at some point and noting the changes in me. But for now, I have decided to go into the new year not looking upon the past, but toward the future. </p> <p style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal">Another Alicia Keys song “All I know is everything’s gonna be allright”</p> <br /><br /><p style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal">The approach for this year…</p> <p style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: blk(0, 0, 102);">1. Give thanks that life is... just as it is (and that it's been... just as it's been). Because of it, I’m now "READY."<br /><br />2. Define what I want in terms of the end result. Don't worry about the hows, or even the course. KNOW that what I want is ALREADY mine in spirit, by divine LAW, to just focus on the certainty of this ownership, understand it, claim it, and "it will be on earth, as it is in heaven (spirit)."<br /><br />3. LET THE UNIVERSE show me the way via my impulses and instincts that appear as I take inspired action. Don't worry that my first steps seem silly or futile. And if I <span style=""> </span>don't know what to do, do anything! Go! Get busy! Do not insist on intermediary successes, only upon the end result.<br /><br />2011 is going to be my year (it already is) and I’m really excited to see it unfold!<br /><br /></span></p>Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-68842467080466155782010-11-11T20:12:00.000-08:002010-11-11T20:18:01.801-08:00The Road Untraveled<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjakgCSKwDTd4ejzoidfqvoRXl1ZCZfBd5N23OdyjizRQA3Ehenq8etVt-gubbG9R_YMT4V38IwZW46Fz8Dz2nW9ARTYnp30MNEuycZdGO2H_R3JS60j7ayTz2OeS6W5ukxfxKtA-3ReMLt/s1600/vetmemorial.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 278px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjakgCSKwDTd4ejzoidfqvoRXl1ZCZfBd5N23OdyjizRQA3Ehenq8etVt-gubbG9R_YMT4V38IwZW46Fz8Dz2nW9ARTYnp30MNEuycZdGO2H_R3JS60j7ayTz2OeS6W5ukxfxKtA-3ReMLt/s320/vetmemorial.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5538512669029280290" border="0" /></a><br />Riding in November without chaps or heavy leathers, just a windbreaker and a sweatshirt. The unseasonably warm weather for the last 3 days in a row was great, I planned to fully take advantage of it. When I woke up today it was delightfully still mild, and the forecast had changed from 60’s and rain, to 70’s and sunny. Another day to savor the good stuff. It will be hard for me to find that good stuff when the world around me is frozen under it’s months long white blanket of stillness. A gift within a gift, that’s what today was. I chose to head south today, and savor every moment of the probable last ride of the year. I was taking mental note of everything I could and committing it to memory to keep me warm through the winter months while my baby sits blanketed in the dark garage until spring.<br /><br />These past few days, it’s seemed as if I have been looking at my surroundings with new eyes, making it a point to travel down roads I hadn’t seen, and wondered where they led. I found myself amazed at the vast rolling farm land all around me. I grew up in Chicago and the South Suburbs, then moved slightly farther south for a while, where the area was speckled with small farms here and there, but mostly subdivisions, then moving farther still, to Indiana. I’ve lived in this area for over 15 years now, I’m well aware that I live in an agricultural area. I’ve encountered many a slow moving tractor, hay wagon, the occasional horse and rider traveling roadside, and of course the lovely fertilizer smells of spring and fall. But for some reason, lately, I’ve been rediscovering the beauty of the land. Apparently I’ve gotten really good at turning a blind eye, taking it all for granted. My observation ride led me past sheep, goats, horses, cows, dead skunk, and acres upon acres of farm land some recently cut down, and some freshly turned over and fertilized. Miles and miles of land, shades of brown and amber, vegetation in it’s final stages, rows of trees in the distance with leaves in all shades of brown, everything readying itself for the long Midwest winter nap knocking at our door. The sun was fabulously inviting, and the road was welcoming, even though I had no idea where I was going, or if I was going to get lost. For a while I was a little afraid, as some of the turns I took led me to less than ideal riding conditions. I wondered if I was making a mistake, and should I turn back to a familiar direction. I told myself to keep going a little while, and make that decision again if it didn’t get better. Each time I did that, the road seemed as if it then rolled itself out and led me to a more pleasant journey. Eventually I ran into the smoothest and most scenic road, that was miles and miles of beautiful new pavement. It seemed like it rolled on forever, and I was perfectly content to continue to see this road to it’s end. Before I knew it I was so far east, that I had never been that far away from home by myself. I couldn’t believe it. I hung a left at the next main road, but my eye still tried to reach further down that beautiful new blacktop, and my heart wanted to keep on going. But, alas, I had so many things to take care of yet today.<br /><br />Heading back toward home, I rode down Veterans Memorial Parkway, a fitting day to be there, and I hadn’t intended on it. I knew there was a Memorial ahead so I looked for the turn off and I stopped there for a brief moment. It was the Lake County Indiana Korean War Veterans Memorial. I read each name listed there, noting if they were killed, missing, or had received honorable mention. It was a sizable list of names, yet they were only people from Lake County. I personally, did not know of anyone who served in Korea, my Grandfather served in England and Germany in WW2, he was a gunner. I hear they told them in training not to make any friends, because it was most likely that they would not make it. My Uncle joined the Marines after he graduated, but I’ve never heard him mention any of it before, I don't think he saw active duty. Even though this memorial did not have any personal meaning to me, these soldiers were important, and deserved a moment of my time to reflect, give thanks, and say a prayer. They paid the ultimate price so that I could be here today, so yes, it was personal after all.<br /><br />The last few miles of my ride closing in left me feeling like I wanted to keep going, but I had many other things to get done, so I made myself continue on home. I knew that, no matter how many miles I was able to ride on this beautiful last day, it would never be enough. So, I gave thanks for the gift within the gift of this week, and smiled reflecting on my journey. I took a new path, not knowing where it would lead. Some of it was a little treacherous, but, trusting in my abilities, and my sense of direction, I relaxed and kept going forward. What I found was that if I continued forward instead of resorting to going back to familiar territory, if I trusted in myself and was reasonably cautious, that the shaky ground I was on turned into smooth sailing. I gained a little more confidence in myself with each mile, and found beautiful new scenery all around me. And all in all, it was a positive growth experience for which I was thankful.Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-63889055197625929052010-11-09T16:05:00.000-08:002010-11-09T16:09:33.477-08:00Amen, I'm aliveI have had an adventurous summer this year, riding in 11 states, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Missouri, and Kansas. I think I’ve done fairly well being present and absorbing it all and committing it to memory. I call it my Enjoy Life Project, and think I did a good job. It hasn’t been all happiness and fun times. This year has had its serious challenges for sure. Early this spring I had a falling out with my best friend of over 25 years, not unforgiveable by any means, but the damage, in my opinion is irreparable. Only time will tell for certain. Over stressed and overwhelmed with the dynamic of management where I worked led me to walking out on a job that I loved dearly. It gave me a lot of free time to decompress and unload the negativity that was encompassing me to be free of the stress and do what I want, when I want.<br /> <br />I have found this to be a difficult past week for me. First, I stumbled upon a piece of unsettling news that had the potential to really shake my foundation of what I thought I knew. I tried not to let it take me over and lead me into a panic, but it did cause me to worry about my future. I also got news that yet another person that I knew had been tragically killed in a random accident, and taken from this world all too soon. I had written about my friend’s brother Michael being killed in a work accident in the spring, which caused me to dwell on what if you only had three days to live. Well, there I am again, thinking about mortality and time. I know we all think that way when we hear of someone’s passing, I’m nothing new. A girl that I sat with at Rider’s Edge Class, and had kept in touch through ladies’ rides and class reunions was tragically killed by a semi that ran a red light as she was driving home in the early hours of the morning. She got off work from bar-tending, spent the night at her boyfriend’s, and decided to get up early, drive her car home to get her books, and go to class. Kelle was 32 years old, and known by many for her smile, her laughter, and being vivacious and full of fun, and in a split second she was gone. If she hadn’t stayed the night at her boyfriends, if she hadn’t decided to go get her books, if she had waited just a few more seconds before she turned onto the highway, she would still be here. But, life is short, and it waits for no one. When it’s your time, it’s your time, and we don’t get to know in advance.<br /><br />Her family had requested that riders attend her services, as a tribute to her love of riding. I committed to them that I would. I did ride to her wake to pay my respects. It was especially difficult, as this was the same place I had my Moms services a few years prior, and I hadn’t been back since. I spent the hour wait in line fighting off anxiety attacks. Dizziness, difficulty breathing, hot flashes, shaking, the need for air, the all encompassing gut feeling that the world is crushing you, and if you don’t get out, you will surely not make it. Couldn’t leave, I’d lose my place in line. I fought hard not to break down for a few reasons. I didn’t want to look stupid, because I wasn’t so close to her that I would be an emotional mess, and because I didn’t want to make this about me, it wasn’t fair, and because I refuse to be weak, dammit! My Rider’s Edge instructor and I were to ride in the funeral the next day. I had thought it necessary, because I didn’t think there would be that many bikes, but I found out that there were Fire Trucks, and the Freedom Riders attending, and my instructor was riding in with someone else, I started to wonder if I really should go, not having been so close to her. I ended up having an opportunity to spend some time with a friend that I rarely ever get enough time to see, and the weather was wonderful as well, so, after much consideration, I chose not to attend the funeral. I was glad that I had stayed and paid my respects the day before, and I chose to spend the time with a friend, and to take an unseasonably warm ride and to thoroughly enjoy doing what I love most, with God’s gift of a fabulous day. I don’t think Kelle would have disapproved.<br /><br />Some time has passed since I’ve immersed myself in the joy of riding, due to having my bike in the shop for 3 weeks, and riding weather winding down for the season. I had started to forget how spiritual an experience riding really is. I always ‘know’ being in the wind is a whole body and soul experience, we all have heard people talk about what it feels like to ride. But with the time span between rides ever growing, the full effect of it fades away. It’s been 20 degrees warmer than normal for this time of year these past few days, I’ve been blessed with riding weather in November and I’m lovin’ every minute of it while I can. There are a few roads that I’ve ridden past and thought, that looks interesting, I wonder where that goes. So, this time, I turned and went there, finding a beautiful new experience unfolding while I absorbed it all. A hilly and winding road, running through some wooded areas, with the sun in my face flickering past near leafless trees, and leading to vast, rolling farmland, some brown and harvested, some newly overturned and rich with heavy warm black earth. I could see the tree lines out in the distance with what seemed like a foggy mist blanketing their borders. Each time I came to a crossroad, I looked each way, then chose the most scenic direction. The air was rich with the scent of fallen leaves, the air was warm, yet crisp, as it is in the fall, and the sun was bright, almost blinding, blurring the edges of objects ahead of me, I could feel it’s warmth, but I could tell it was much farther away than what I had enjoyed all summer long. I felt a deep, comforting wave of peace overcome me in those moments. I could feel it in my bones, it started in my chest, and radiated it’s way down to my core, and I felt comforted and relaxed. It was different than the normal relaxation riding brings. Without being given a reason or proof, I felt that everything will be ok, that God and the Universe is beautiful and good, and that life for me is going to be just fine. I have no explanation, other than I was viewing the world with new eyes, as if I had never seen landscape like this before, and every inch of it amazed me. I have many concerns and worries in general, and this week in particular, but in that moment, something told me that everything will work out for the good and I am traveling the right road. <br /><br />The lesson I’m taking away from this past week is, take that extra few seconds to look around you before you take that intersection, and pay attention to all of your seconds. Do what you have to do and what you should do, but make sure you find the seconds that make you happy and fulfill you as well. Life waits for no one, so don’t you wait for better timing, or better circumstances to go after your heart’s desire. Conceive it, believe it, and achieve it, and live life with fulfillment. It’s all happening now, reach for it, you CAN have it, and the universe wants it for you. <br />Singing Amen, I’m Alive<br /><br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/PEMiLu72LJg?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/PEMiLu72LJg?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-53876013310803850692010-10-23T10:47:00.000-07:002010-10-23T10:55:34.801-07:00Daddy's Little GirlsIt's a crappy rain day, and I'm sitting here feeling lonely and without ambition. Even my dogs went right back to bed after breakfast. So I'm sitting here at my computer, and that lead me to this:<br /><br />A conversation was sparked today from a picture a friend posted of his daughter on Facebook. He called her his princess. <br />I told him that every little girl deserves a devoted Dad, to feel she’s the center of his world and would give her anything, to teach her what she should look for in a man to love. Without that, a girl will spend her whole life finding out the hard way. I speak of experience on that one, and I’m not alone.<br /><br />My parents bitterly divorced when I was just starting first grade. I remember very little of that period in our lives. I know that my Mom ‘ran away’ in the middle of the night with just the clothes on our backs, and there are few pictures or mementos of our lives until after that point. I was 7 years old when that happened. I do remember seeing him a couple of weekends, and feeling like I was unwelcome in what used to be MY house. He was physically abusive to my Mom, and she only left him because she was afraid he would do it to me. I remember feeling paralyzed against a wall watching him in a drunken rage, punching holes through a tile wall, breaking up the furniture and throwing it out the back door. My Mom even said he took a 2x4 and broke my Great Dane’s leg. My other memories of him were getting arrested at a carnival because he wouldn’t throw away his beer, us leaving a nice restaurant, making a scene because the service wasn’t fast enough, and being arrested at our 4th of July barbecue for selling fireworks. The last memory I had of him was after the divorce, when he took me Christmas shopping and told me to buy anything I wanted. I had a field day with that. But, when I got home, at the tender age of 7, I saw the disappointment in my Mom’s eyes as I showed her the very things she had bought me for gifts. I felt so bad I told her, “It’s ok Mom, I can play with two Barbie airplanes.” Later in life, I realized he did that, not to make me happy, but to hurt my Mother. <br />I looked him up when I was in high school. I found out really quickly that for him to be the ‘giving devoted Dad’ that every girl wants, I needed to have an audience. I saw him a few times, and when I brought someone with me, he showed off and acted like the generous, devoted Dad that I wanted him to be. I saw him a few times, he gave me a few bucks, and we had a few dinners. <br />I married at the age of 20, had my Son a year later, he saw him once when he was 6 months old. Prior to that he berated me for getting pregnant with no insurance. I stopped reaching out to him, and I never heard from him again. <br />As I’ve mentioned, October is a horrible month for me, having lost my Mother. I get lonely, having a tiny, disappearing family. In my weak moments, I’ve allowed myself to write to my Dad twice. First, about a year after my Mom passed, and just this past month or so. I’m not surprised I haven’t heard from him, and only half disappointed, as I know that having him in my life is only going to lead to more hurt feelings. Better off without him, I know this.<br /><br />But still, when I see a woman who’s Dad has always given her everything , dancing at her wedding, I tell myself I’m stronger for my experiences, but the bitterness and envy is in the background. I’m happy for them, and very sad for me.<br /><br />So, for all you Dads out there listen up:<br />Always show them and tell them how much you love them, and how proud you are of them. Tell them they can do and be anything that they want to be. Make them aware of the truth that they are worth having a man who will treat them like gold and do anything for them, and they should not tolerate any less. Girls can always subject themselves to less than desirable treatment at the hands of men in the name of love, but the ones that have no example will believe they don’t deserve and better, or that there isn’t anything better out there. There is a very popular John Mayer song, “Fathers be good to your daughters, for daughters will love like you do.” And it is the truth. Daddy issues can leave a girl so desperate for love and approval that she will subject herself to ANYTHING just to find it.<br /><br /> A devoted Daddy can foster the greatest confidence and pride, a strong sense of self and security, and the understanding that they can reach for the stars, and if they fall, someone will always be there to catch them. That could be the difference that causes her to strive for the very best in life, not being afraid to try, for fear of failure or humiliation. The difference between happiness, and misery is in your hands. Give them the knowledge of how they should be respected and loved, and the tools of confidence to accept nothing less, and the courage to leave no stone unturned. <br />She will be a different woman, and have a totally different life if you do. The best life possible is a gift that lies in your hands.<br />And to the fathers of boys: Teach them well, for they learn how to treat a woman from YOU.<br /><br />And for those of us 'little girls' out there who are lacking in the above...YOU are wonderful, fabulous, and STRONG...just because you didn't have someone there to tell you this your whole life, only makes you stronger. You DESERVE everything your heart desires, and don't let ANYONE convince you otherwise, especially not yourself.Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-74123480880020337032010-10-22T14:25:00.000-07:002010-10-22T14:44:30.420-07:00Dear Mom, RevisitedBelow are excerpts of a letter to my Mother from a prior blog post. My Mom loved the fall, so everything now reminds me of her. She loved the fall, and loved to go out looking at the leaves, so every day in October reminds me of her.<br />I'm revisiting my letter today, which would have been my Mom's 68th birthday, and my thoughts are heavily with her.<br /><br />Dear Mom<br />I miss you so much there aren't words enough to say.<br />You were my hero and I didn't even know it. You were strong enough to leave an abusive relationship, not for yourself, but for me. You saved yourself because of your maternal need to save your child from harm. You were the original Working Single Mother. I am a Mother, and I cannot imagine the feelings and fears you must have had, worrying about bills and raising a child, all the while working downtown Chicago, making it on your own. I don't remember wanting for anything during those early difficult times, so you must have sacrificed so much for my happiness' sake. And for that I am eternally grateful. Single working Mothers were few and far between back in 1974, you were a trail blazer. You never remarried, and, as far as I know, never had another relationship after the divorce, so I can't even begin to fathom the loneliness you must have felt for those 30+ years. But I feel lonely and lost without you now, so I can imagine to a degree.<br /><br />The world isn't the same without you. When I had to admit you to the nursing home, I almost had a mental breakdown right there in the hallway. Going there to have luncheons with you on Mother's Day and holidays, I thought I was sad then, and now I catch myself wishing for those 'sad' days.<br /><br />I am sad, however it is a more profound feeling than just sad. It's a deep gaping hole in my heart...no, it's in my soul. There isn't much to our little family. Your brother who makes an appearance every couple of years, and your sister who tries to remember to call and check on me here and there, but has her own life with her new husband and new family. And of course, my Son, your Grandson...well, I hope that one day he comes around and decides he understands what he's doing and starts respecting himself and those around him. Maybe one day he'll come around and love his Mother again. I am truly sorry if I ever made you feel even a fraction of the disappointment or unhappiness that I have found myself feeling as a Mother. Aside from having a few friends you didn't approve of, and a snide remark here and there though, I think we were ok, right? <br /><br />You've been gone 4 years now, and it <span style="font-weight:bold;">still</span> hurts like yesterday, I'm just better at stuffing it in than I was before. I still feel like I'm 5 years old and lost in the mall again. Only now, I know that there isn't anyone out there that can come save me. Right after you passed, my first words were, "Now what am I supposed to do." I meant about the whole nursing home, belongings, funeral, arrangements, etc...but also the who am I without you part too. <br /><br />A Dad who only loves himself, both Grandparents deceased, and no Mother....<br />Having your family leave one by one, feels like they are threads connecting you, holding you down to the earth, and each time one dies, a thread gets cut. Mom, when I lost you it felt like the last single thread holding me down to existence was cut, and I found myself floating aimlessly in space, unsure now where I belong, and unable to go back to where I came from, and no one to reach out to show me the way.<br /><br />I miss you....MISS...it's a insignificant little word...until now. Now I know better.<br /><br />As years go by, I'm more capable of compartmentalizing and distracting my feelings, they are, and always will be there. I do my best when 'historical' dates come around to distract or do something that will make me 'happy'. But you and how much I miss you will never be off my mind. <br /><br />I loved you, even when I didn't show it enough.<br />I needed you, even when I pushed you away.<br />And I miss you, and will miss you even when it's been too many years to count<br />Love, <br />Your Only Child<br /><br />*note to my blog readers* <br />I share this letter with you, not only to share the thoughts in my head, but to remind you all to Love, Honor and Cherish your Mother, no matter what your circumstances with her are. Because when she is gone, it's all gone. You'll have a question about the family past, or some silly thing way before your time, and your first instinct will be I need to ask...and then..it will hit you:<br />there isn't anyone left to answer that....that tidbit of trivia that you just pondered will never be answered, it's gone now. GONE<br /><br />It's been years now, and that sort of thing still happens to me all the time.<br />The missing part....it is forever missing....your soul is missing a piece, and you will not get it back until you are reunited in the afterlife. Don't wait until then, to enjoy and savor what you have here and now while you still canArizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-21159632688123366402010-10-07T14:35:00.000-07:002010-10-07T15:29:19.567-07:00Daunting Tasks, Amazing Results<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxKPWXpa2n6ubhwu3jxBnViTlqV2iRxH3l89BxrY8nRaPpHFFdx-0m_xqULxxHTrn7B89f9vcNSEb7dn3uDBSqvPIgpkoJAOE4Y3QieaGxpmtkGl4iclU-SQZd7z2yEVWAubExwGqN2bTw/s1600/Photo0103.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 225px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxKPWXpa2n6ubhwu3jxBnViTlqV2iRxH3l89BxrY8nRaPpHFFdx-0m_xqULxxHTrn7B89f9vcNSEb7dn3uDBSqvPIgpkoJAOE4Y3QieaGxpmtkGl4iclU-SQZd7z2yEVWAubExwGqN2bTw/s320/Photo0103.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5525431491578159522" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj60zmjwNvwrgmuLCr0rtHau3f18_9YpRj1qYcEV0doEMkNWdKo-DK_vrH0vVrzJ-rsG6GkyJdoIb3eIv2K0KdimNBn3BDlVvKywPolNRjE7USt2D8OYa8o58jma0RVlYJC8dgHUEPz1zGc/s1600/Photo0101.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 230px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj60zmjwNvwrgmuLCr0rtHau3f18_9YpRj1qYcEV0doEMkNWdKo-DK_vrH0vVrzJ-rsG6GkyJdoIb3eIv2K0KdimNBn3BDlVvKywPolNRjE7USt2D8OYa8o58jma0RVlYJC8dgHUEPz1zGc/s320/Photo0101.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5525430927108113746" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbQ1jhnpiZ3vSWg_97SrpKIvP8nCy6vFqnmBi57gjOH2MFUAVGegDPMxvkSevLEcfVYuFIZ9WJak6iYmeZhBQsMLfNHQBmt8w8q-Z44KASHaPz7p_YHokpDJgAFM3Opm1Wm_UjUWKPsT1r/s1600/Photo0099.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 303px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbQ1jhnpiZ3vSWg_97SrpKIvP8nCy6vFqnmBi57gjOH2MFUAVGegDPMxvkSevLEcfVYuFIZ9WJak6iYmeZhBQsMLfNHQBmt8w8q-Z44KASHaPz7p_YHokpDJgAFM3Opm1Wm_UjUWKPsT1r/s320/Photo0099.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5525430508851379202" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoimStXFV2PFKiLM1ldnKph-HetylTFgiiaG3cKP2d7uxwWFMHOjT5aK4LSNDhPQN-U7cSxyxl-_uT3qoCUyXmw-JFn3EN-HTauD-l0EPLq9XExg5B1AhtB7boV3EE8_XopobGxyofPG1h/s1600/Photo0097.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 305px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoimStXFV2PFKiLM1ldnKph-HetylTFgiiaG3cKP2d7uxwWFMHOjT5aK4LSNDhPQN-U7cSxyxl-_uT3qoCUyXmw-JFn3EN-HTauD-l0EPLq9XExg5B1AhtB7boV3EE8_XopobGxyofPG1h/s320/Photo0097.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5525430119645476658" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Lately I've been making a half hearted attempt at meditation. I'm intrigued at the thought of being still and becoming closer to the vibrations of the universe. I have difficulty with sitting still and not thinking, it's a daunting task for me. It's hard to focus on universal vibrations when I'm focusing on focusing!<br /><br />The weather this week has been a glorious gift. By now it should be in the 50's for an average. It's been sunny and 70's for days. I'm loving it! I've been stuck in the house the past couple days, there's been a mad gunman at large. I live in Northwest Indiana, and apparently a guy has been indiscriminantly shooting people, and was last seen in my town, not that far from my house. He's killed one, and injured 3, one of them shot in the head in critical condition. It's a bi-state manhunt, but so far, it's been to no avail. A lot of farmland and rural roads around here, it's a dunting task. But, in spite of the wide spread fear, I made it a point to go outside, sit in the sun and soak up the gifts of the universe. <br /><br />One of my favorite things is to lay down on my deck swing and feel the warmth of the sun, while swinging and looking up at the sky. The sky was completely void of just about everything. (Over the past couple days, there has been a LOT of helicopters circling) All was a welcoming quiet. While looking at the brilliant blue sky, I caught a flicker of a sparkle out of the corner of my eye. Upon further inspection, I could see it was a spider's webbing. It had to be a good 4 feet from the top of my deck swing down to the deck railing. It got me to thinking about how amazing it is that a tiny little spider can take a delicate string and make a stretch that far. I watched the breeze blow it back and forth. The spider had to have descended down, then waited for the right timing when the breeze took it a good distance and then in perfect timing dropped the rest of it's string to reach the deck railing. Then I looked behind me and saw the early stages of a web sparkling in the sun. So delicate, such hard work. I wonder how many times it's plan failed or looked too impossible to try. Wow, that's amazing. Ok, here's where I admit I really hate spiders, and I started getting the heebie jeebies thinking they were crawling on me, so I started thinking I should probably get up. As I looked above me one last time to enjoy the sparkles, I saw the tiny white-ish spider dangling from a string, swinging back & forth with the breeze. Still not giving up. Yep, amazing little creature, amazing accomplishments. <br /><br />I saw a large flock of little birds, flapping their wings furiously and shooting across the sky. The bright sun almost made it appear as they're wings had bright yellow on them. I think it was just the sun, as I've never seen that type of bird in that number in this area before. Another natural phenomenon. That must take a lot of effort, and must be really tiring to flap wings that furiously. What a daunting task to fly south for the winter. But that's what life is for them, so they don't give up.<br /><br />Just before I got up I managed to see 3 different planes in the air. One was a small plane, and two were the large kind that cut a blazing white trail through the blue sky. All that metal, all that weight, and yet it flies through the air. What a daunting task it was for two men to take that from imagination to reality. Truly amazing. How many times did that project look doomed, or have huge setbacks. Where would we be if they gave up when it got difficult?<br /><br />A tiny spider making a massive (in comparison to it's size) web, a single idea, into a massive airplane. Lessons in life before my very eyes. It can look like a daunting task, but you have to keep going forward to get where you want to be. The universe is huge, and you are just one person, but your impact upon the world, and yourself, is of the utmost importance. Don't give up on yourself or the universe!Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-38073599579883617332010-10-02T18:07:00.000-07:002010-10-02T19:26:52.718-07:00Upon us all a little rain must fall<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGWCF_xtfZxfp2_hlmpZXpXQCsnSkindrKuQqRbHddok2hEzYpFQHN3tTch_HMr7UdpgzFSNkhDA5VIsQ5otxU7lSrJ1j6XCa7PBVhqd-fkMNFZnWfAv-Iu4eX_cjdAQ0QxaUcfGkXJi7o/s1600/rainbow3.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGWCF_xtfZxfp2_hlmpZXpXQCsnSkindrKuQqRbHddok2hEzYpFQHN3tTch_HMr7UdpgzFSNkhDA5VIsQ5otxU7lSrJ1j6XCa7PBVhqd-fkMNFZnWfAv-Iu4eX_cjdAQ0QxaUcfGkXJi7o/s320/rainbow3.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5523633196644147234" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXjJydTNHbVGgezrOqyAx9komvKq_Kcoa-FGlbUAnDphzR00IzpO-CFd_IygGMA5_yOpGdovc5xuobIswh8NsNhGkaY0HpzeE5jYUog4XihK4H55B-OsnH0QfNTWhY9ZrWJRXidr9XpmUp/s1600/rainbow2.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXjJydTNHbVGgezrOqyAx9komvKq_Kcoa-FGlbUAnDphzR00IzpO-CFd_IygGMA5_yOpGdovc5xuobIswh8NsNhGkaY0HpzeE5jYUog4XihK4H55B-OsnH0QfNTWhY9ZrWJRXidr9XpmUp/s320/rainbow2.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5523633190664634258" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I have been doing fairly well over the past few months focusing on my 'enjoy life project' and looking for the positive in everything. I am, by nature, a summer kind of person, and when it comes to an end, I tend to get a little down. But, the month of October in particular has even more of a profound effect on me than just disappointment that summer is over. I've posted about it in full detail on my blog before: my first ever blog post So Now What: <a href="http://myheartsinarizona.blogspot.com/2009/10/everybodys-bloggingso-what-hell.html">http://myheartsinarizona.blogspot.com/2009/10/everybodys-bloggingso-what-hell.html</a><br /><br />I will try to provide a brief explanation for those of you who aren't familiar.<br />Four years ago life as I knew it began to fall apart. Aside from having to put 2 of my beloved animals to sleep due to separate health problems, my Mom, who was barely 64 and in a nursing home for the past few years became incapable physically doing much of anything for herself, became sick and begged me to let her die. The illness was a simple urinary tract infection which was rectified with iv antibiotics, but she was placed in restraints because she kept fidgeting the iv tubing out. She grabbed my arm and said "I love you, I love you, I don't want to live like this"<br />So, the next time she got an infection, I had to tell them to let her be. It was what she wanted. As if that wasn't bad enough, two months later, the job that I identified myself with sold, and the new owner was unbearable, and within weeks everyone quit. One would think that was enough too, but of course, there's more. A few months after that, I was betrayed by the very people that were closest to me, and I had to write them out of my life. And my relationship with my Son became extremely strained and volatile at the same time. Whew, a lot on my plate.<br /><br />I try not to let all of this 'stuff' define me, I know I am much more than the adversity that I have faced, and that others have faced so much more than I. I do my best to focus on something else as much as I can. It's just this time of year that, in spite of my efforts to stay occupied by other things, it always creeps up on me at some point. October 3rd is the day my Mom passed away, and the 22nd is her birthday. She loved the fall and the changing leaves and cool temperatures.<br />So this time of year she is always on my mind.<br /><br />I've come to realize that the pain will always hurt as if it was yesterday, but with time it gets less frequent, and that I should start celebrating all that my Mom loved, and not focus on all the loss that I feel. But, without a Mother, a child feels lost. I have my dark and stormy days, and I'm fully aware that I should not allow it to consume me. I'm doing the best that I can to occupy myself, but it still manages to creep up on me. Riding season is all but over, so the regular 2 wheel therapy ride to blow out the cobwebs of my mind is sporadic, weather permitting.<br /><br />I need to revel in all that she loved, and find comfort in the fact that she is watching over and protecting me from above. I know she wants me to be safe and happy. I may have lost her in my physical world, but I have gained the best Guardian Angel one could ever ask for. I've seen the proof several times over. <br /><br />Today was a tough day for me, I found myself easily aggitated and unhappy. The weather was horrible. Cold, windy, raw and rainy. On my travels for a little retail therapy, the sky was ugly in every direction I could look. I came out of the store in the driving rain to see the sun shining brightly from one space between the clouds. The western part of the sky began to break and the light was blinding. Ominous ugly black clouds in 3 directions, and sunlight from the west turned into a beautiful double WHOLE rainbow. You don't get to see full rainbows all that often. The sky around it was dark and depressing, but the brilliantly cheerful colors sliced through dark clouds in an arc, and seemed to glow with beaming light. I looked in awe as if I had never seen one before. I found myself interested in the exact circumstances that brought this piece of beauty to be. I know I've learned about this phenomenon in school as a child, but I couldn't help but be amazed. A little miracle in the sky. A gift from above. <br /><br />My conclusion, that no matter how gloomy a situation is presenting itself around you, no matter how depressing and ugly it may seem in every direction, this too, shall pass. There will be a break in the clouds, an illumination of light, and if you're lucky, you will find colorful joy. Look for it, find it, and savor it.Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-56558309883308338062010-09-28T07:33:00.000-07:002010-09-28T18:05:49.613-07:001/4 mile at a time<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYrFuV_i9FhZ_nKrdl9fMJKBr_n2nzYUiOFZMR1LKskkJ0IVERIKCPz3GP4P7N9AQbtw3IJjX2-rS0t6D_lk-f31QB5t-hW_rVDslV-6pBIOEJw0QxOsF50YrPcIcPbcnEKONAp4dg_k9U/s1600/amramesmimg.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 246px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5521984378662230610" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYrFuV_i9FhZ_nKrdl9fMJKBr_n2nzYUiOFZMR1LKskkJ0IVERIKCPz3GP4P7N9AQbtw3IJjX2-rS0t6D_lk-f31QB5t-hW_rVDslV-6pBIOEJw0QxOsF50YrPcIcPbcnEKONAp4dg_k9U/s320/amramesmimg.jpg" /></a><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I did it! I'm now officially a drag racer! I made my racing debut at the AMRA finals in Bowling Green Ky last weekend. I had been practicing and preparing most of the summer, but I had never had a real race until then. What a way to initiate myself! The AMRA finals, tons of spectators and record numbers of competitors. Talk about go big or go home! Another 'big dog' moment completed for me. (The kind of moment where I feel I'm pushing the limits of my ability & I tell myself "you wanted to run with the big dogs, don't get back on that porch now!")<br /><br />The details: Going up to the registration booth not knowing who, what, where I was supposed to be was the start of my baptism by fire. Fortunately I had good friends to guide me. Studied the schedule, which may as well have been in latin, then had a whole night to make myself a mental case about it. Saturday morning I had about 2 hours to run test & tune. I delayed until I couldn't get away with it anymore, then got myself together and rode up to the line. My first trip down the track was nerve wracking, but when I got my times, I was fairly ok with it. I'd done better, but I've also done much worse. I managed to delay myself enough to only get a couple more passes in, I needed to take baby steps. Qualifying rounds were next. Lots of classes, I was participating in two. I spent a lot of time waiting in line, sitting in the sun wearing a helmet and leather sweating. Not a good hair day, to say the least. I managed to consistently run average times, and it frustrated me that I couldn't do better. I knew I was capable of a 12.3, but for the life of me I couldn't break 12.5 the whole weekend. The track was slick, and I had trouble with my back tire spinning too much. Sunday is race day. Do or die! I got a few test & tune runs in, still getting 12.5, but my last run was the best, a 12.53 (as opposed to the 12.56, .57, .58 i had done before) So, I set my dial in time for 12.53, my fastest time, figuring I hadn't gone faster than that all weekend, so why not. (For those of you not versed in drag racing, I raced in a division where basically, the rider that comes closest to their fastest time, without going over wins.) Mind you, I'm not all that much in the know yet either!<br />I got nervous again awaiting my very first REAL race. Another self talk...stay off the porch and run with those big dogs! I lined up, lit the staging lights, and GO! I gave it my best shot, and it felt pretty good through the whole run. I couldn't tell if I beat the other rider or not. Got to the turn off lane, rode to the booth, took my ticket, can't read it until I get to the pit, what torture! I get to the pit and the 'crew' I was with was smiling. I won??? Really? No way! How cool was that. I get to race again! Round two I was less nervous, gave it my best shot. I knew I beat the guy next to me. I broke out (went faster than my set time). Oh well, ya win some, you lose some. My mental win was, I just beat a bike that had a 1 second head start!<br />All those days of practice boiled down to two 1/4 mile trips down the track.<br /><br />Now I just need to work on the 'game' aspect of racing. Watch the guy next to you, if you're going faster, pace yourself so you don't break out. It's a gamble, and a strategy kind of sport. I'll get there with experience, 1/4 mile at a time. I made measurable progress. It was a slick track, and I spun that back tire a LOT. I used to freak out and let off the throttle when that happened, and now I'm able to keep on it and ride it out. :)<br /><br />Post race experience I had some time to reflect. I was amazed at the camaraderie of the racers at the AMRA's. I got a lot of thumbs up and fist bumps from perfect strangers and fellow competitors. I didn't know them, but they made me feel at home. I definitely want to go back! I also reflected on how fortunate I truly am. Not just in material things, but in physical ability, in the people who love me, and the fortunate opportunities. I have some awesome guardian angels up there, and I've witnessed proof of their existence. I had my key velcroed under my seat so the alarm wouldn't go off, and after putting it back up on the trailer, I noticed it had fallen down, and almost fell through the frame. If that had happened during a race it could have had some awful results. In questionable weather forecasts, I've been able to successfully get practice and racing in without weather being a factor. So, for all my blessings, thank you to God, the Universe, and to my wonderful Guardian Angels. I will do my best to keep learning and improving, one 1/4 mile at a time! </div>Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-77200597018645593842010-09-15T09:47:00.001-07:002010-09-28T15:11:21.093-07:00Racing Your Own Race<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrbo92kfA58CKXeK_Ec_HF312NE6dNQuCKOdytGzDz_Xz6KCJ3qhai_FryXgRnmvwYQAYZTLhcYsUeywy5dW9VvP8IDNav0jRoDsJ-VtjNRYmPc0ikaUz-HV0kC0Ga6VdjVFr98KFE2AFt/s1600/P1020837.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5517183879090635026" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrbo92kfA58CKXeK_Ec_HF312NE6dNQuCKOdytGzDz_Xz6KCJ3qhai_FryXgRnmvwYQAYZTLhcYsUeywy5dW9VvP8IDNav0jRoDsJ-VtjNRYmPc0ikaUz-HV0kC0Ga6VdjVFr98KFE2AFt/s320/P1020837.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><br />I’m not really sure where this blog post is going to lead, but let’s find out together.<br /><br /><br /><br />I’m learning how to drag race with my motorcycle. I’ve always been the kind of girl that has seen something the boys are doing and said to myself, I can do that! Or if someone said you can’t do that, it’s just made me more determined to try it. Earlier this summer I visited my first motorcycle drag racing event. I saw some women having a great time and doing well holding their own. The little voice inside my head said ‘If they can do it, so can you!’ And so, the gears began to turn.<br />I’ve had 2 whole days experience at test and tune at the local drag strip, and several days practicing launching down the back roads in corn country. I’ve always been a chronic over achiever, determined to be good at what I do right from the start. I’m always looking for that nod of approval that indicates I’ve impressed someone. It’s a deep seated need for acceptance and admiration, that I’ve recently attributed to the ‘daddy issues’ many women carry. (I’ve had little contact with my father since my parents’ divorce when I was 6. Dad has his reasons for not staying in touch with me, and because he’s a volatile selfish person, I know I’m far better off, but it leaves a need within me nonetheless.)<br /><br />I’m blessed enough to have several people that I know and talk to on the net who are experienced in drag racing, and qualified to give plenty of advice. I’m trying to absorb all that I can in as little time as possible. The problem with that is, there is too much of a good thing. Drag racing is something that you can only practice on a track. You can try things on the street, but it isn’t the same environment. The road isn’t sticky like the track, you have more things to be aware of for your safety on the road too. Practice makes perfect, but that’s hard to do when you’re limited. When you go to a test and tune, you’re in line waiting, so you only get so many tries to get it right. This weekend was my 2nd official real track experience. I did pretty well on my first go round. I was fairly pleased with myself. But this time, having had more input, and having someone there with me, helping me become aware of what I’m doing and what I can change, it made me totally conscious of all the elements I needed to work on. It’s great to have that kind of knowledge, but when you have half a second at the lights, and 12 seconds down the strip, all of that information going through your head tends to make things more complicated. Then add to all of that, the brief thought that all the power that you’re about to unleash is dangerous and could result in major disaster if you’re not careful, and it makes for one heck of a nerve wracking experience. So much to focus on, so much to put out of my head!<br /><br />I did worse on this second attempt at the track, and it really frustrated me. Not terrible, but not better, and I had it fixed in my head that I did well the first try, so it should be nothing but improvement from here, and I expected it. The truth is, I was trying to do it all at once, take it all in, fix it all now, get better fast. I was trying to implement all the advice and knowledge at one time. Then, when things started going wrong, I had no foundation for knowing which thing was the issue with my poor performance. Because I was trying too many changes all at once, I was unable to pinpoint which thing was causing my trouble.<br /><br />I got to thinking about how this can be applied to life as well. Lots of advice and opinions coming at me from all sorts of directions can be helpful and useable. However, if you try to do it all, and do it all now, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll see improvement, in fact, too often, that can lead to painful screw ups and lessons learned. It's best to focus on one thing at a time. It’s easy to do when you have unlimited time to try it all one thing at a time. But if you’re in a race to the finish line, you tend to be in a hurry to try as much as you can, and sometimes, that doesn’t have the results you were looking for. But, that being said, just because something doesn’t improve, doesn’t mean you should give up and stop trying. Tweak the changes, cut them down to manageable chunks, and be patient and look for improvement. Even the slightest improvement can be motivation to continue. And if you don’t see improvement, don’t give up, and don’t obsess, and by all means, don't compare yourself to anyone else. Analyze what you did, think about how it can be altered, or try something completely different, and watch for changes again. Life, like drag racing, is a learning process. Just because someone else beat you to the finish line, doesn’t mean that they’re better. For all you know, they didn’t do their best either, and they could be trying new things to make changes to get them in the right direction too. <em><strong><br />Race your own race!</strong></em>Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5723454790240031209.post-85691936805563069052010-08-31T20:04:00.001-07:002010-09-01T07:46:13.898-07:00Introduction to Drag Racing<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu5QJpNWgkhNzMr80gCmHUbvTZnNBYLBlFIF12bdCi_z-T_a6FNMohz_GL4oYFFXHCb6XywX2x0s0mccSqLFAofhaiz4v2cV-LPIJprUAoDammAplG4ZFzslfMGhwEqzmvQZNo2UBEOAin/s1600/151526215%5B1%5D.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 137px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu5QJpNWgkhNzMr80gCmHUbvTZnNBYLBlFIF12bdCi_z-T_a6FNMohz_GL4oYFFXHCb6XywX2x0s0mccSqLFAofhaiz4v2cV-LPIJprUAoDammAplG4ZFzslfMGhwEqzmvQZNo2UBEOAin/s320/151526215%5B1%5D.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5511956146920930210" /></a> that's me, in the far lane :)<br /><br />Well, after years of saying "I'd like to do that" I can add one more thing to the list of what I did the summer I played hookie. I'm trying my hand at drag racing.<br />I admit, I was scared to death. Not so much afraid of wrecking, or getting hurt, but afraid of looking stupid. That's something I've struggled with all of my life.<br />I'm a contradiction in terms, I love to turn heads, which you would think meant love to be looked at, right? I do like the "you did WHAT?!?" reaction, or the "Holy crap, that's a GIRL, how cool" look and or point. I get that a lot with my Night Rod Special. No matter where I go, someone at a light or in traffic either gives me a thumbs up, does a double take (one guy almost crashed his truck into a cement pillar because he was watching) or quite often, they stop someone in my group and ask questions about my bike. I love that...but really, I'm not one that likes to be looked at. I love to be impressive is more like it.<br />I've always had this over critical part of me, obsessing about being perfect. I know that I can't be perfect, and my appearance and my house are testaments to that knowledge, but I do like to be as good as the next guy...or in some cases, better.<br /><br />So, anyway, a couple months ago, while watching friends race at the AMRA races in Bowling Green KY, after seeing a hand full of girls do well and have fun, I did the "if she can do that, so can I" speech in my head. A couple months later, here I am, learning to drag race.<br /><br />I was coached on how to launch, and it was so frustrating because I was sure I wasn't doing it right because it wasn't this big dramatic frightening rocket experience. So I had someone else launch my bike for me. Turns out, I just had way too high of an expectation of the fear level on my part. I was doing it...needed to perfect it, but still, I was doing it. I practiced on back roads, but it isn't the same as a sticky drag strip with a light tree. I've gotten a lot of helpful information from several good friends, and I'm trying to keep them all in my head like a computer. Body position, staging, hand position, rpm, and psychological advice, and I'm thankful to all of you who are helping me. (Jase @hellcatcustoms, Brian from Valley Racing, Steve, Eddie, Tracy from Heathens & Hardheads Racing) I want to make you all proud of me.<br /><br />My first attempt down the strip I was so not ready. Went to the tech, he looked at the bike, was told it was my very first time, so he let me go alone...but RIGHT NOW! I was like wait...no, I wanted to watch a couple people stage! But I wasn't going to be a baby and say something, so I went up there as directed, the good little soldier that I am. I staged too quickly and the light was green, GOOOOOO. I didn't go as fast as I could, I was told to take a slower trial run to get used to the track and the turn offs. I did a 13.5 with a reaction time of 1.009seconds.<br /><br />My second pass, which is what I consider to be my 1st REAL pass... uh oh! I was against someone...a crotch rocket too! OMG. I staged much slower, inching my way forward, getting ready, got the rpm's up, and GONE, hauled ass to the end. The same happened the next time too. I was up against 140mph 10 second rockets! I managed to get my times in the mid 12's though. 12.34 my best, and my reaction time down to .7<br />I was having fun, still a little nervous, but getting better each try. It started to get dark, so my last 2 passes were fairly consecutive. The total times weren't better, but I was improving on my 60' times, so that's good. It got dark around then, so I decided to call it a night. It's bad enough to be flying 107mph down a track you don't really know, but when it's getting hard to see, I'll save that for when I'm more experienced.<br /><br />Here are the stats:<br />1st real pass: RT - .73 / 60' - 1.873 / 1/4MI - 12.369 @ 100.86MPH<br />2ND: RT - .6968 / 60' - 1.9051 / 1/4MI - 12.3493 @ 107.87MPH<br />3RD: RT - .7387 / 60' - 1.9683 / 1/4MI - 12.4952 @ 106.18<br />4TH: RT - .7230 / 60' - 1.8429 / 1/4MI - 12.4548 @ 106.65MPH <br /><br />All in all, I was pleased with myself. Not bad for a first timer. I impressed some of the boys I told my times to, that's good for me. My next goal, test and tune one more time, then it's off to Bowling Green KY the last weekend in September, to race in the AMRA finals! I'm aimin' high!!!<br /><br />I usually try to tie in a life lesson or spiritual message to my blog posts, and this is what I've come up with. I was so nervous, fear of failure and the unknown had me making myself a bundle of nerves. But I had practiced and prepared, and in the end, it paid off. Everyone has to start somewhere, and we were all beginners in the beginning. You have to put your head down and press forward and do your best. If you do that, at the end, you just might impress someone, and yourself too! If you do your best, it will all be ok in the end :)<br /><br /><br /><br />Btw, if you're interested in that sorta thing...I've separated my poetry to a new blog page, and there happens to be a new entry there as well, the link is at the top of this page.Arizonahearthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01554178316876318761noreply@blogger.com2