http://arizonaheartspoetry.blogspot.com/

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Howling Winds of Change

The leaves are turning, the temperatures are dropping, the winds are howling, the seasons are changing.
They say that change is the only constant in life. Everything around us is ever changing, some slowly, some in leaps and bounds. You can't escape change. But sometimes you can delay it. The world is closing in, the future is in the air.

This is the time of year that sends me into a tailspin, and makes me reflect upon all of my relationships, past and present, and the seemingly happier times in my life. People may see me, or read my blog, and make their judgments on how happy or unhappy I seem, but there are few people out there, if any really, who truly know everything about me, and how I think. I don't let just anyone in, having learned that lesson the hard way, betrayed by my inner circle. The wounds are still fresh, and will definitely leave permanent scars. The walls are up now, and I'm not sure there is anyone out there that can tear them down, or would even want to. Betrayal changes a person, and their relationships from that moment forward.

Change for the worse has a way of giving you a whole new appreciation for how good things once were, and, conversely, change for the better can give you a sense of relief and accomplishment in what you have overcome, a new perspective on your strengths and abilities. Relationship changes, well, that's a mixed bag of feelings. A majority of my insecurities are a result of those feelings of fear, dread, anxiety, hope, excitement, joy, sorrow, anger, despair, loss, faith, prayer, that come with ever changing relationships in my life. When you've had more people in your life come and go, or let you down, I suppose that second guessing everyone around you is only natural.

In spite of all the let downs, I still see myself as a die hard believer, a fixer, a leave no stone unturned to try to make the outcome work in your favor kind of person. But, sometimes, I do find myself wondering where the cut off point should be. When should you cut your losses, and when do you try 'one more time'? Where is that elusive line in the sand that dictates when enough is truly enough, or the point where you are crossing over into 'fool territory'? I guess that's where faith comes in. I have faith, and I cling to it, but sometimes, when it's all I can do to remain standing when the winds of change are trying to knock me down, my faith is bending in the wind too. Not just my faith in others, but my faith in myself is being bent to the breaking point.

I'm just trying to withstand each storm, and will assess the damage in the aftermath, that's all any of us can do.