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Sunday, October 25, 2009

I am always near

Me and my Grandfather (Papa)
4 Generations at the Grand Canyon



Gram & Me shortly before she passed

I was going through old pictures to put up on my facebook, and I stumbled across this, written by my Grandmother, approximately 7 years before she died. She did a lot of writing, unfortunately, I think my Mom, in her lack of awareness, threw them all away. This is all I have. I thought I would share.





Dated October 6, 1992

My Darlings, My Dears,

If I ever die before I wake, do not weep, I have gone the way I asked God
to take me.
Because I did not ever want to know when I had to leave you all.
I love you all so much. You were and are my life, and it was good.
No one could have had it better.
I have not really left you. I am with you always.
When the breeze that blows and touches your cheek, I kiss you.
When the sun shines on you and warms you, I am hugging you.
When you suddenly feel good all over and do not know why, you're
remembering our good times.
In all things I am near, never, never to leave you.
I am watching over, you are never without me. I am always near.

I love you with all my heart forever.


God Bless You


(Hon), Wife, Gram, Grammy

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Be Strong


So, I wasn't going to obsess about the fact that today is my Mom's birthday. But no matter how much I say I'm going to be tough and ignore it, it comes anyway. I've even tried being too busy to notice, but it only delays the feelings by a couple days.

I didn't want to blog about more depressing thoughts...but the whole purpose of this blog is to purge, so purge I must today. Some of this is redundant, so if you've read my earliest posts, I've covered the subject before, but in less detail.

My Mom did more for me than I ever gave her credit for. I see that now.
Going back to the beginning, aside from the obvious giving birth thing. (Which, after I gave birth to my Son, when she walked into the room, I said to her "Never FUCKING again", and I meant it. I also kept my word!) Mom endured an abusive asshole for a husband for a long time. And as I've said in the past, she only left because of me. She was afraid he would abuse me. And he did to a degree. He hit me for sucking my thumb when I was like 3 or 4, I remember watching for the static on the tv when the garage door opened, so I could hide the fact that I was doing it. I remember him making me stand in front of the clock until I could tell him what time it was, and I would cry and say I promise when I go to kindergarten I will learn how. To this day, when someone ask me what time it is, my heart stops for a second. My most memorable childhood events were almost always a negative experience concerning my Dad. His fits of rage, breaking things, punching walls, yelling, getting arrested...etc. Good Riddance to bad rubbish I say. But why do I still want a Dad? I wrote him last year around this time....fully expecting no response, but afraid I would get one. Did I want to invite that back in my life? Not really. But, no worries, because he once again lived up to my expectations. I just get lonely this time of year, an only child from a small family, an aunt and uncle i talk to maybe once or twice a year, and see even less. No parents, no family, my nuclear family that I have created for myself coming apart at the seams, with little to nothing left to hold on to. We've been beating the proverbial dead horse for years now. It's all gone...gone.

My Mom and I were very close. After she left my Dad in the middle of the night with nothing, it was just me and her against the world. She worked hard, and we had little, but she always made sure I had whatever she could give me. She sacrificed everything for herself to provide for me. As far as I know, she never even had another relationship after my Dad. I never questioned it. She had a bad feeling about men after that. Who can blame her?
I was always in a race it seemed to make my own life. Engaged early, moved out early, married, homeowner, mother...I don't know why...I guess I was just trying to prove that I could do better.

After I moved out of her place, we spent a lot of time together. We used to shop every single weekend. Shop, lunch, craft sales, dinner, dark, go home. Talk on the phone every day. When my Son was a toddler , she had to have a disc replaced in her neck, she basically lived in my living room in a two bedroom house, for months until she recovered. After I moved to a bigger house, she moved in to the lower level. She and my Son were extremely close. Anything he couldn't get from me, he always went to her. She was more than happy to spoil her only grandchild.
Her fave pastimes were watching tv and eating. But she became diabetic. And her inactivity and unwillingness to manage her diabetes and diet took it's toll. After a while, she applied for disability, quit working, and rapidly declined in her muscular ability to care for herself.
A couple times while I was out, she fell, and my Son had to call me to come home. I had to get the neighbor to help me lift her. (She was almost 200lbs, and I had a knee brace on from my first acl surgery) She spent 2 weeks in the hospital, and months of in home, then external therapy. I spent my weeks going to my therapy for my knee surgery, then carting her around to her therapies 3 times a week. She got better, but then within a year, inactivity took it's toll again. I tried to do the tough love thing, but she was not having it. I spent far too much time being angry with her for not helping herself get better. Bad feelings. She finally asked me for a bedside commode because it was too hard to walk the 10 feet to the bathroom (which I had remodeled to be handicap accessible for her while she was in the hospital the first time). I got one for her just for the time being, but I had to have 'the talk' with her. What if your grandson comes home from school and finds that you've fallen, and it's spilled all over. Do you really want him to find you that way? You can't ask him to be responsible for helping you anymore if it's this bad, he's only 12. Let's find you a nice place where there are people who can take care of you 24/7. So, back into the hospital, and then a nursing home. That was a traumatic experience, let me tell you. I spent 45 minutes each way traveling every day to make sure she had the care she needed, because I trusted no one. I finally got her into the best one, where she could have a room of her own, but it took a year. She spent a few years in the nice place, but because of patient rights, they couldn't make her do therapy if she said no...so she rapidly declined. Delusional phone calls in the middle of the night, when do I get to come home? Tearful phone calls that she messed herself and didn't' have any clean underwear. Thank God for 24 hour Walmarts!

One day she got septic (body full of infection) they took her to the er, and then admitted her, where she was hooked to iv antibiotics. But she kept pulling them out, so they had to restrain her. One day when I was feeding her, I let her out of restraints to eat, and she grabbed my wrist, looked me in the eye and said, I love you, I love you, I don't want to live like this.
The next time she got an upper resp. infection they called in the middle of the night wanting to take her to the er, i told them no. But it's all politics there, it looks bad on their end if a resident dies, so they pressured me into taking her to er by saying once you get there, you can tell them no treatments. So I did, but the er says once they're there, it's their responsibility to treat someone if it is treatable. DNR means if they code, not to bring them out of it, but if it's something that can be corrected, their hands are tied. So they had to help her. I sat by her bed, and she told me and my son how much she loved us, and we told her we loved her too.
I was very angry at God for making me be the one to say, don't give my mother simple antibiotics, because she wants me to let her die. It was all in my hands, and I was ANGRY. Why couldn't God just take her in her sleep, and not leave this damned decision up to me? Why do I have to euthanize my almost 64 year old mother? It isn't fair!
In hindsight, I see that I got the chance to tell her I love her, and she told us too, and that is a priceless gift. But at the time, making her hospice, planning her funeral while she was alive, having to read about the process of death....it was too much for me to bear. I spent a lot of time on antidepressants and sedatives....there isn't an awful enough word to describe it.

A couple months later, I'm told she has a cold, and need some oxygen, and that this would probably be the beginning of the end, did I still want to do this. Well.....NOOOO, but I had to.
Got a call one afternoon, after having spent some time with her earlier, she was sleeping a lot. "Your Mom's breathing is shallow and her oxygen rate is low, the time is near" What a voicemail that was! And I wasn't available to take the call. I called back, and asked, so what are we talking, weeks, days? "In our experience, probably Hours...you may want to gather your family." I was so mad at myself for delaying listening to my messages. Here I was wasting precious time involved in the daily stupidity of my selfish little life and my Mom was dying!
My aunt and her husband came to her room with me and we waited. Shallow breaths, almost stopping...is this it? Then a breath...no it's not. My son wanted to leave, he had an assignment due, I told him he could go if he wanted to. He drove himself home. Shortly thereafter she slowed significantly. I sat next to her on her bed, put my cheek to her cheek and whispered "It's ok Mom, I love you, It's ok." And then she was gone.
The nurse came in, listened for a heartbeat, and confirmed that it was over. I walked out into the hallway of the nursing home, looked at my Aunt and said, So now what am I supposed to do?
I think my Son was angry that he left and she died. I know I was angry that I wasted precious time and didn't listen to my voicemails....just plain angry at the world for making me have to be responsible for all of this!

It just sucks to be the strong one sometimes! This is the third loved one that I've watched take their final breath...I am only SO strong!!!!! And the pain never goes away.

updated edit:

I've not decorated or handed candy out on Halloween since October of 06. Halloween was Mom's favorite, we used to go all out for it, and I just can't get my stuff out.
Nor have I yet been able to put up my Christmas tree (it's full of ornaments that my Mom and family have bought for me, unicorns, rocking horses, all the things that I dearly love, reminders of what used to be and what isn't there anymore.) I got tired of people on my case about the tree thing, so I bought a small fiber optic tree & put it on a table in the front window and said "There's your f*cking tree, happy now?" Ok, that was a bit harsh, I admit...but I just can't do it, I will when I'm ready and no one will push me into it!

A member of the "lost my Mother" club now. An only child, with a absentee Father since 1974, and both my Grandparents gone. Having no parents is like having the last thread that was holding you to the earth cut, and you're drifting aimlessly, with no place to belong. You're alone. You can be in a room full of friends, and still be totally alone and completely lonely. You know people out there love you, and it means the world to you that they do....but it isn't your blood. It is a profound sadness that never goes away. It may get fewer and farther between in frequency, but the pain, sadness and lonliness is hauntingly always right there under the surface.
I've adapted enough to let it all simmer under the surface, but there are two days each year that I can't stuff it down anymore. October 3rd, the day she died, and October 22, her birthday. October is an awful month...the Holidays aren't too fantastic either these days. It's like being on an emotional rollercoaster. You stay on it long enough, and you're inevitably going to puke your guts up.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

What is Love?

Love
We all crave it. We all seek it in one form or another.
But what is it?

Fairy tale love is what we're fed as youngsters through books and movies. The beautiful girl, the handsome, dashing young man. Wealthy, poor, the wrong side of the tracks, or the right side of the silver spoon. Two people, smiling, dancing, singing, and they live happily ever after.
*screeching record sound*
But that almost never happens, does it?

When I was young, I thought love was someone that wanted to be with you all the time. Someone that liked doing things with you, and someone who you knew would be there.

So now, I'm not so young, and I'm looking for definition.
I know what love is when it comes to my child, my animals, my motorcycle....
They make me happy, I love spending every minute I can with them. But that isn't a real love, it's there, it always will be there, little will change.

Real, two people in a relationship love....define please.
I know what my ideal love is...
Attractive (yes, you have to look at a person you spend every day with and think, yeah, that's good stuff right there!)
Funny, a sense of humor is a must
Generous, not money, but with themselves...time, giving, caring, etc
Considerate. Someone who puts me first, and is thinking about how I feel...because I tend to worry about others more than myself, so it would be nice for someone to think about me
Passionate. Someone who dives in with both feet and gives themselves fully
Compassionate, caring for all those around them.
Smart, interesting to talk to.
A good cook would be great...I consider myself to be, but it'd be nice to be cooked for too!
Social, because antisocial people suck!
Strong and brave.I want to feel HELD and safe.
Dedicated and Loyal
Trustworthy, of course
Loves animals, and riding, a must!

So, I think someone who wants to be with you as much as they can, who thinks about you all the time, and likes to let you know they think about you, someone who calls just because, and can't wait to see you, someone who thinks everything you do is cute, funny, intersting, smart, wonderful, someone that wants to be close and in contact all the time, someone that you know has your back, and who you want to share every little thing and every big thing there is and you can't wait to talk to them, someone who is the center of your universe, and who makes you feel like you're the center of theirs....i think THAT'S love.

But the question is.....is that lasting? Are two people supposed to feel that way for all eternity? I think so. But I'm jaded, I don't know if that's a reasonable expectation. Can two people keep feeling that way about eachother for that long? I don't know. So far, I haven't found that to be so.

Love is a crapshoot, the odds are against you, but if you win, you're damned lucky I guess.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

A Real Fairy Tale

Here is the fairy tale little girls should be told:

Once upon a time
In a land far away....

a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess

happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: "Elegant Lady,
I once was a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am

and then, my sweet, we can marry

and set up housekeeping in your castle

with my mother,

where you can prepare my meals,

clean my clothes,

bear my children.

and forver feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night,

as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:


I DON'T FUCKIN THINK SO.

(I can't claim credit to this..i got it in an email, but it was soooo good i had to share)

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Trapped in a box

I'm trapped in a glass box
I can see everything, and everyone can see me

The glass is deceiving though
An invisible force
To everyone else, I look just fine
But on the inside, I am completely not

The outside, to me, appears perfectly nice
So much to see, so much to love
So much that is better out there than is in here
Or is it that deceiving glass again?

I'm like a loaded gun,
I can be a weapon
With a single motion I can be free
But, is free all it's cracked up to be?
My fear, he always tells me it isn't

What if....
What if I am free, only to find,
The glass has distorted the outside?
What if I get out there and realize it's worse?
That damned fear, he controls my mind!

Fear is an interesting thing
Fear nothing, and you're not alive
Fear everything, and you're not living
Fear can be learned, but, fear can be imposed
No matter which way, fear can be paralyzing

Freedom comes with a price
Once you've shattered the box, you can't go back inside
What do I have to do
To stop him from taking over me?

A leap of faith
I long to take it
It's all I think about
It's too easy to get used to the pain
My foot keeps getting closer to the edge
My weapon aimed at that damned deceiving glass
But, the invisible force, he holds me back


My heart whispers:

Pull the trigger

Take the leap

Breathe the air

Look fear in the eye and tell him I just don't care!

author....Me

Friday, October 16, 2009

Words, Lyrics, Life

Lyrics and life go hand in hand

Am I sweating
or are these tears on my face
Should I be hungry?
I can't remember the last time that I ate
Call someone
I need a friend to talk me down

Put one foot wrong
and i'm gonna fall
somebody gets it, somebody gets it

all the lights are on
but i'm in the dark
who's gonna find me, who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong, you'll have to love me when i'm gone

Does anyone see this?
Lucky me
I guess I'm the chosen one
Color and madness
first in line i put my money down
some freedom, it's the tiniest cell in hell!


Drinking wine and thinking bliss
is on the other side of this
i just need a compass and a willing accomplice
all my doubts that fill my head cascading up and down again
up and down and round again, down and up and round again
oh i've had my chances and i've taken them all
just to end up right back here on the floor
sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
and a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace
and i'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes
oh i've felt the fire and i've been burned
but i would't trade the pain for what i've learned

irony, irony is hating love, hating love
for what it's done to me, what it does to me
what it's done....
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel,
broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare
walk under ladders on the way to hell i'll meet you there

We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe
but we shoulda drank it down while it was still sweet
it all goes bad eventually
now do we stay together cuz we're afraid to be alone
we got so used to this abuse, it kinda feels like home
how did it get so mean, how do we just move on
how do you feel in the morning when it comes and everything's undone
is it cause we wanna be free?
well that's not me, normally i'm so strong
I just cant wake up on the floor like a thousand times before
knowing that forever wont be

it's only half past the point of no return
the tip of the iceberg
the sun before the burn
the thunder before the lightning
the breath before the phrase
have you ever felt this way?

lryics by Pink...feelings by ME

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I am...am I?

What/who am I? I am 42 years old, I am female, I am alive. The rest...still undecided or unwritten?
I am a Mother...but my son is an adult now, so there's a big transition in my identity. I've always struggled with "who am I?" Everyone does, I'm sure. When I was in school, I always tried to morph myself into whoever I was hanging out with. But even then, I was in all honors classes with the 'socialites' and bookworms, but I hung around with all the partying kids, but was a 'lightweight'. (Have since gotten over that lol). And I was also very good at convincing myself I was in love with whoever showed interest in me, because I either didn't want to be alone, or because it was friend of my friend's boyfriend at the time. That got me in a lot of trouble. And left me to always wonder, am I doing this because it's real, or because I've convinced myself it's real. That has turned out to haunt me my whole life.

I am a Veterinary Assistant, and for a while, I let that define who I am, and hung around with the people I worked with. We were always together, inseparable. Then the clinic sold, the new owner was a bastard, we all quit, and our old boss opened a new clinic. Then I was betrayed by my 'friends', leaving me to learn the lesson don't let your job define who you are. And don't really get too close with your coworkers. That was the same year, by the way, that I had to put down my 16 year old cat to old age, and my 7 year old rescued Husky due to cancer, AND to add insult to injury, I lost my Mom, and my Son started really acting out badly. In one fell swoop of a few months, I lost a cat, a dog, a Mom, a job, all my friends, and my Son as I knew him. Devastated doesn't even explain it. To this day, I have not put up my Christmas tree, and this will be the 4th Christmas. Too much pain, too many reminders of what isn't anymore. That period in my life taught me, never ever trust anyone implicitly...NEVER.

I am a perfectionist, and extremely hard on myself. However, I tend to be pretty lazy. I am impulsive, but so well thought that it keeps me awake at night. I am passionate, but sooo self conscious. I've been told I exude confidence, but on the inside, i'm really insecure and always mindful of what others think. I am brave, but I'm a chicken shit. I am generous, but I am distrustful. I am faithful, but I wonder why things happen that don't seem fair. I am smart, but I've never gone to college. I have a wicked wit sometimes, but I really can be a dumb blonde regardless of my haircolor at any given time! I feel young, I think young, but my body isn't what it used to be. Screws in both my knees from acl replacements have grounded me, and remind me daily of what I cannot do anymore. I am a biker chick..but I've only been riding a couple years, and, to be honest, my Night Rod Special scares the crap outa me. (I've heard and seen a lot of people sell that bike because it's 'too fast'. I should probably have my head examined! I am a little nuts, but mostly sane. I'm very rational when it comes to helping people out of their heads and their problems, but my life is often a mess. I am a loyal and devoted friend who would defend my friends to the bitter end. But I've been burned by so called friends, so I am really reserved when it comes to letting anyone in. I am a hopeless romantic...but I am jaded and in disbelief.

So, I know more who I am not's more than who am I's. I am a compilation of my life experiences, and too many of them have been bad. I know, stay positive, focus on the good... I am thankful for plenty, honestly I am. It's really hard sometimes to stay in that mindset.
I am an ever elvolving unwritten story with so many twists and turns it makes me dizzy! (No dizzy blonde comments, please! lol)

So, the question still remains....who AM i? Will I ever really know?

Sunday, October 11, 2009

That Was Then, This is Now

Took my 1992 Pontiac Firebird out of the garage today. That car was the love of my life, the 4 wheeled version. Haven't driven her in a long time. There's always too much crap piled up in front of or on top of (which makes me want to scream, btw) her to even think about pulling out of the garage. But, because the other car needed repairs, I had to take it out today. I had forgotten how fun it was to drive. Low to the ground, nice rumble, corners like it's on rails. It's not the nicest, cleanest, most valuable car out there, by any means. In fact, the clear coat is cracking, a couple of rust spots, and the t-tops leak when it rains. It isn't worth much to anyone but me. I really haven't taken it for a drive but once or twice since I got my Harley. The nice weather always makes me choose my bike. My interests have changed since I bought that car about 12 years ago. The original plan was to give it to my son when he turned 18, if he stayed on the right path...but he isn't the same sweet boy that hung around with Mom and wasn't too cool to say I love you. That got me thinking...How much has changed in the last 12 years? Practically everything. Every time the sun was shining and the temperature was over 60, I'd be cruisin' with the t-tops off. I'd go absolutely nowhere in particular, just clicking miles away, just for the sake of feeling the sun shine on my face and the wind in my hair. That was then, this is now. I still love the sun on my face and the wind in my hair, only it changed when I got my V-Rod. Same principal, different method. I'm not the same person...or am I?

I had a (car) love of my life, and I lost interest. I now have a new (Harley) love. Nothing is the same as it was 12 years ago, nor should it be. No person is the same as they were 12 years ago...I know I'm not. All of this has gotten me to start thinking about relationships and love. How do you make a decision about someone and about forever when you know that neither of you will be the same person in 12 years? Almost everyone changes. So how can you pick a person and say this is who I want to spend the rest of my life with? That person won't be the same 12 years down the road and neither will you. Sure, there's always the theory that you will both grow together....but isn't that just wishful thinking, or rose colored glasses, similar to winning the lottery? The odds are in your favor that you won't grow together. And what if you wake up one day and just plain don't like anything about that person anymore? Simple answer is, then leave, right? But that's easier said than done more often than not. Houses, children, money, careers, everything that muddies up the waters and makes decisions and actions ultra complicated.

(In spite of my fast, shiny, black Night Rod Special) I am still one of those girlie girls that believes that love stories can come true. Prince Charming....probably doesn't exist...but the concept of true love, I want to believe it's possible. But I'm pragmatic enough to always remember that the odds are not in favor. The ideal mate, funny, witty, intelligent, compassionate, considerate, loyal to a fault, fun loving, patient, kind, affectionate, passionate...is it all too much to ask for? And if you find it right now, how do you know that it isn't fleeting? Do relationships have a shelf life?

I have made many choices in my life...many of them at a very early age. Everything changes. Back then, I thought I knew so much, and now I know how much I didn't know. Years from now, I'll know how much more I didn't yet know right now.
That was then...this is now....and there is so much more to come.

Live life as if there is no tomorrow, but make your decisions as if you will be stuck with them for all eternity.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Before I'm gone

This is a prequel to my first post regarding the 'lost mother's club'

I am an only child, born to an abusive alcoholic with a short temper and a long list of extra curricular activities. My Mother left my Father when I was 7. She took me in the middle of the night, with little more than the clothes on our backs. My Mom always told me that if she hadn't had me, even though my Dad was abusing her, she wouldn't have left him. She only left because she was afraid he would hit me one day. I remember violent arugments, my Dad putting his fist through the tile wall, throwing kitchen furniture out the door and down the stairs. He broke my Great Dane's leg with a 2x4 because he was mad about something. He was always mad about something. I remember plastering myself against the wail, afraid to breathe.

We moved into an apartment for a while, then in with my grandparents, then into another rental. All the while, Mom worked full time and was independent enough to take care of me. I never really understood the weight of her responsibility until recently. It's a scary world out there, to have to be supporting yourself, let alone a child as a single mother. Dad never paid child support, that was before the deadbeat dad laws, before anyone really bothered to stand up for the single parents.

We rarely talked about my Dad, and when we did, it was almost never about anything pleasant. Mom had a justifiable mistrust in men after that, which I tried not to let rub off on me, but I find I'm always suspicious. She never remarried, or even dated as far as I can remember. My Memories of my Dad were of him being escorted out of a carnival because he was belligerent and carrying alcohol, of him being handcuffed and arrested on the 4th of July for selling fireworks, and, as I mentioned before, fits of anger. I became very close to my grandparents, who helped raise me in the beginning, and who were never far from me my entire youth. I worshipped my Grandfather. He was a carpenter, and I remember watching him make stuff and saying that's what I was going to do too. (I happened to see a woman carpenter helping build the house next door, and he told me women can do that too.) I loved hanging around in the garage with him and doing projects. He was by far a better person than my Dad ever was or ever will be. My Grandmother loved to cook and clean, traditional wife stuff. But she was indeed the boss of the house. In many ways I'm just like both of them, a stickler for detail and totally in charge. My Mom was very laid back and easy going. Boy did I take advantage of that in my teenage years!

My Mom moved in with us after my son started 1st grade, until his Sr. Year in high school. She had been moved to a nursing home some 4 years prior. In the years that she lived here, my son became extremely close to her. We both took her decline, and her loss extremely hard. He started acting out, beginning when she moved to the nursing home, and progressively worsening after she passed away. It has taken it's toll on our relationship. Unfortunately, I have my Dad's short fuse, and even more unfortunately, my son has mine. It is NOT a good combination.

I am an only child with an only child. One day he may very well be making the same decisions for me that I had to make for my own Mother. But the two of us cannot get along to even stay in the same room together. He just doesn't see what he's doing, and that he's his own worst enemy. Arrests, tickets, no job, stealing stuff from me, lying, drinking, wasting money, no ambition or responsibility, huge chip in his shoulder. I hope that, one day, he'll mature enough to realize that I am not out to make his life miserable, and that I don't live to simply piss him off. People tell me boys typically age out at 24-25, but I honestly don't know if we'll make it that far.

My wish is that he gets to understand before I'm gone.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

everybody's blogging...so what the hell

So now what....?

I have been lucky enough to find some really great twitter friends, and many of them blog. So, I thought, if I'm good at anything, it's carrying on...and on...and on, so what the hell!
I've written a little poetry here and there, and I can write a novel for an email....anything that I have a passion for ends up being my soapbox. So I may as well start somewhere.

Riding weather is coming to a close all too quickly here in the Midwest. The leaves are changing, the winds are starting to howl. It's time to change to the flannel sheets, close the pool, rake the leaves, and batten down the hatches for the long winter's nap that is inevitably on it's way.
I dread the fall. It's aesthetically beautiful, and most welcome the relief from the heat and humidity of summer. But not me. Although the colors here are quite striking, they are just as striking a reminder to me that all things are dying, and soon all will be paralyzed in the dead of a long cold desolate winter. This is the fall leading into the winter of my discontent.

I have always been a summer person, more so as I get older. I used to like the fall, and revel in the beauty of the colors all around. But all that has changed in my past few years of life.
After a lengthy stay in a nursing home, my Mother, at the age of 64 passed away. It was a preventable death, she got an upper respiratory infection that could've been treated, as it had been with IV antibiotics and hospitalization in the past. Only, because of her delcine in ability to care for herself due to very bad arthritis and diabetes, and her complete lack of Independence over the last couple of years, she begged me to let her die. Unable to bathe herself, dress herself, go to the bathroom with dignity, and after trying to get her to agree to all the therapy the nursing home could offer, I put myself in her place, and made myself understand. The last time she was in the hospital and septic from an infection, hooked up to iv's that she kept trying to pull out, then placed in restraints and having to be fed..one day, when I let her out of the wrist restraints to eat, she grabbed my wrist, said I love you, I love you, I don't want to live like this. And I understood. When she was moved back into the nursing home, the next time she got sick and they wanted to move her to the ER again, I told them no when they called in the middle of the night. I had to make her hospice, and it was only a matter of a couple months, and she got another virus and it was a fast slide downhill.
I am an only child....I have an only child. I have no father, he is out there somewhere, an abusive alcoholic that has had no interest in me to even pay child support when i was young, nor visit his grandson more than the two times he saw him 20 years ago. I was an only child, in a small family, burying my Mother, with one Aunt and one Uncle at my side (who live so far away, I only see maybe once a year or less).
Mom passed on October 3rd...buried her October 7th, got insanely drunk off Cuervo and Coronas with no food in my stomach and lots of pain pills in me to numb myself. (Yes, I have been known to have a wicked self destructive streak at times). October is a lousy month.
Mom's birthday is coming...October 22nd. I hate October...and then the Holidays are not much better. This is my 3rd time through October without her. I feel like she was the last thread holding me to the universe...and when she was gone, that thread was cut, and I'm drifting all alone. My son, who hates me (another blog for another time) is all I have of true blood family...and then there are my closest friends. I know they are invaluable to me, and I don't wish to devalue them in any way. But they are not family.

I know many of you out there have lost loved ones, and it is ALL hard. My friend calls it the 'club' that she doesn't want to be a member of, because so many of her friends are. An only child, with an only child...with a tiny family...there isn't anyone left. The loss of a parent is devastating...it leaves you wondering where do you belong, who are you now...what happens next....My first words after her last breath when I walked out of her room were "Now what am I supposed to do?" I'm still looking for the answer.
Until then I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, making every day string into the next, a week, a month, a year, three years. It gets easier for a while, then bam, it rocks my world all over again.
Like when my Aunt's birthday comes round and I can never remember if it's Sept, 21'st or 23rd..and i think i have to ask Mom again. Then I remember I'm on my own on that one now...and on everything else.
On my own....we all are eventually....
I hate October, starting at the end of September, because all is dying...riding season...pool season....warm weather....
I'm doin my best to make one day go by so I can get rid of yet another one, waiting for it to get easier.
So now what am I supposed to do...?

(Interesting footnote: I was looking at the original date on this and noticed that it was exactly the date 3 years ago when i was puking a lung up over the railing of my front porch from drinking enough to knock out a small elephant the day after my Mom's funeral. Life lesson: Never tell your friends that you're on a mission to be numb...they will gladly help you out!)