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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Meant To Be

I haven't blogged in some time now, aside from the loss of a friend, I haven't really felt anything powerful enough to compell me to write. So, instead of leaving my blog idle, I decided to post another piece of poetry written some time ago.


Meant To Be

There is a love that’s unlike any other
Love never before felt with another
It’s urgent and tender, spontaneous and deliberate
It’s crazy and normal, it’s forbidden and desperate
These feelings run deep
The heart never sleeps
Deep in my heart, a part of my soul
It consumes all I am, it’s all that I know
It was meant to be
I heard the universe tell me
At first it just whispered
I tried to ignore it, But it wouldn’t let me
It screamed louder, “in time you will see”
I chased it away, because I was scared
To love with all I am, only to lose is not fair
But universe brought me back, this time stronger
Sweet destiny come quickly, I can’t wait any longer

Friday, June 18, 2010

3 1/2 Days to Live

There is a Nickelback song that goes "If today was your last day, and tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday? Would you live each moment like your last, leave old pictures in the past, donate every dime you had? Would you call old friends you never see, reminisce old memories, would you forgive your enemies?"

Yesterday, a friend Michael was killed in a freak accident, a crane fell on him at work. He was 43. We had just been riding together this past Sunday. Rode with him to his house at the end of the day, he grabbed his things from his brother's bike, we chit chatted for a few and said see ya later. Who knew that he would only hae 3 1/2 more days to live. He passed away early Thursday afternoon, on his daughter's 21st birthday.

I know most of us have heard the news of someone of our own age, tragically passing away, far too young to die. It gets you thinking, doesn't it? Everyone says "Life is short", but do we really, truly realize this? Can you accept it and wrap our mind around the fact that we ALL are on borrowed time. Our days are numbered, and every day that clicks by on the calendar, is one day closer to your last day on earth. The problem is that we don't know how many more days we have, so we keep trudging along doing our daily things, and 'getting around to' whatever it is we need to or should do. We carry on as if we had an unlimited, infinite amount of time to 'get around to it'. Well, yesterday I had a reality check, and I cannot get it out of my head. He had 3 1/2 days left to live. What would you do if you knew something like that?

I found myself wondering if he told his two daughters he loved them. He was a good man, a good Dad, gave his girls everything he could and then some. He got to spend time with his brother over the weekend, I know that, because I was there. I saw no I Love You's, of course, because you just don't do that every day to your family, especially men, even if you only see your brother every few weeks or so. They're only a town away, you can talk to them any time you want. I am close friends with Michael's brother and his wife, and we all rode together fairly often in the summer. Never during any of those rides did I wonder if that would be the last time I saw him.

And so I obsess, 3 1/2 days to live...3 1/2 days left to be someone's friend, someone's Dad, someone's brother, someone's child. 3 1/2 days left to have a friend, have a sibling, a spouse, a child. Can you wrap your head around it? I can't stop thinking. What would you do if you knew?

What would you do...would you call up a friend and tell them what they meant to you...would you repair broken relationships with someone you had a falling out with and miss their presence in your life...would you tell your children, no matter how much trouble and stress they've been for the last 5 years or more, how much you loved them, or would you continue distance for fear they would take it as permission to hurt you even more? Would you walk out of a dysfunctional relationship that you should have ended long ago, but didn't because you were too afraid? Would you seek out and go to your soul mate, or would you turn to your significant other who has been there the past decade or more out of respect for their loyalty? Would you leave the stressful job that only causes you sleepless nights and tension or would you still be trying to fix what you see is so ridiculously wrong?

We all have a bucket list, and it's nice to think that you can do all the things you've always wanted to do. But I'm talking the real core of what they say goes on in those moments right before you die...thoughts about your friends and family.
My thoughts keep going back to the same thing. What would we all do if we knew...and why aren't we doing it now because we don't know when the last time you'll see someone will be?

"Each day's a gift and not a given right" "Every second counts 'cause there's no second try, so live like you'll never live it twice"

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Be Present



This past weekend I took advantage of my new found unemployed free time and decided to take a road trip to Memphis. My Mom was a huge Elvis fan, and had never gotten the chance to go there before her Arthritis and Diabetes took it's toll on her. So I thought it would be a good adventure and I'd do it 'for her'. For those of you who don't know, my Mom passed away just before she turned 64, and I am an only child, so it was a devastating loss, which is mentioned many times here on my blog. Mom loved storms, lightning in particular. She loved to sit outside if it wasn't too menacing out, or watch them out the window. The morning after the night she passed, I awoke to a terrible storm going on outside. I said, that's Mom up there saying 'let me see you do that again!'

This past February, I had the chance to go to a place very close to my heart, Superstition Mountain in Arizona (also posted here previously, pictures and details galore!) I chose to take a small amount of my Mom's ashes with me on my hike up Superstition. It's a spiritual place for me, my 'happy' place, profoundly still yet alive. I picked a nice place at the very top of the trail and threw her ashes in the air, she was now a part of my favorite place. It was very meaningful for me. The next night, it stormed like crazy in Arizona. Huge lightning bolts lit up the desert sky. I wondered if it was coincidence...

Well, this trip, I chose to bring some ashes with again, to leave at Graceland, close to Elvis. She was crazy about him. So as I retrieved the small amount of ashes, I said, "Ok Ma, no storms this trip, not on two wheels...lightning, maybe, but rain, not cool please!" On my arrival into Memphis Friday night, after stopping for dinner, on the road to the hotel in Lakeland dusk had passed, they sky was dark, and in the distance.....I saw a flash. I'd been watching the forecast for days, and no rain was expected that I knew of, so I dismissed the flash as some car or something in the distance. Then it happened again, and again. The kind of flash that lights up a piece of sky, but you see no bolt, just illuminated sky. And then, a huge bolt of lightning cut a path across the dark blue sky in front of me. As I parked my bike at the hotel it misted for a moment, just enough to leave a few spots on my tank, and then it was gone. Lightning, just lightning...no storm, no rain. It's getting harder to dismiss as coincidence!

I think the grand total of hours I was on the bike was like 25, with the exception of a couple meals & fuel stops, of course. That was a lot of time in the saddle, a lot of time with myself, just me, thinking, feeling, experiencing the ride. The trip was smooth with one exception. As I was reaching the end of an off ramp on the way to visit the Harley dealer in Effingham, IL, my shift peg fell off! As luck would have it, I happened to look down at the exact moment it fell, and saw it bounce it's way to the side of the road. I put my hazards on, stopped the bike, and spent a few minutes walking the uncut, knee high grass. Tah Dah!!! I found it, put it back on, made sure it was tight, and went on from there. The road angels and my guardian angels smiled upon me that fortunate moment. If it had fallen off anywhere else, there would have been no finding it, and who knows how far I would have had to ride to find somewhere I could get it replaced!

25 hours of thinking is a lot. I think all the time, but riding thinking is different. I feel more connected to the universe. I caught my thoughts wandering back to the events that caused me to walk out of my job, and to all the other things that added far too much tension to my life. I decided to make myself stop and 'smell the roses'. I was the middle of the earth's splendor, witnessing, hearing, smelling, feeling nature. It was hot, sunny, perfect riding weather for me. I could feel the wind, warm and soothing on my skin. I could smell the pockets of spring flower scented air, and see everything growing in it's glory. BE PRESENT. I made myself take notice of the many shades of green there are, from the yellows of the farmers fields to the deep, dark, shaded green of the decades old trees lining the farmland. Nature is, indeed, a spectacular thing to witness if you stop yourself from being too busy to notice.

I understood the term 'be present' before, but now, after having been so stressed for so long, even though I'm unemployed at the moment, I'm making it a point of filling myself back up with moments that make me happy. "Present" moments. I think my soul has been depleted by all the stress and bad events in my life, and I need a refill, a refuel, a life road trip! I want to spend my time off counting 'life is good' moments :)

And if you're interested, the pictures are on my facebook

enjoy!
Ride to Memphis
Elvis' Toys
Route 66
Graceland
Memphis