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Sunday, January 31, 2010

I still believe

Over the course of my 40+ years I've learned that I have a good intuition about things. I've had moments where something 'strange' has happened as a precursor for some big event that occurred in my life. I didn't 'know' what it was at the time, but after the fact I 'got it'. For instance, the night my before my grandfather died (he was in the hospital after surgery)at 2 a.m. I bolted up from a sound sleep and my right leg itched like mad. I had no idea what it was. Later that morning, I got a call saying his kidney's were failing, and that I should make the 90 minute drive up north to be with him. He passed away later that afternoon. I have no other way to explain being awakened from a sound sleep by an itch.

I've had 'feelings' about people many times. Usually that sinking 'I don't like him or her, I have no reason, I've never met them, but something is there I don't care for' feeling. I've always given people the benefit of the doubt and tried not to dismiss people based on some unfounded 'feeling', but I've almost always have come to find that feeling was justified. But, still, although I know better, I choose to set aside those feelings just in case I'm wrong. And they've almost always proved me right about those people.

Have you ever felt so strongly about something or someone that you were all but certain? Do you tell yourself you could be wrong, or do you go with your gut feeling, believing it could be no other way? Trust your instincts they say...but what if they lead you in the wrong direction?

I am certain that there is a love out there for everyone. Sometimes you only find one true love of your life, and some are fortunate to find it more than once. I believe in soulmates. I believe in meant to be.

Who is a soulmate? They're out there, a rare, and precious find.
He loves her more than he ever thought he could love someone. He loves her more than he's able to wrap his mind around. He thinks about her every single day. He can't keep himself away. He looks intensely at her, past her eyes and into her heart and soul. He can see even the slightest fleeting thought that runs through her mind because he is so observant. He touches her like she's the most delightful thing he has ever imagined. He holds her so tight she can't move, and she doesn't want to. He loves her with an urgency and intensity as if he needs her to breathe. A simple kiss from him will draw all the air out of her lungs, and a whispered I love you in her ear will send a chill straight into her heart, and down to her knees, making them barely able to hold her up. And he begs her to say I love you over and over because he can't get enough of hearing her say those words. He asks her to call when she gets home, he wants her to be safe. He's protective, feels like she's HIS and only his, but not in a obsessive way. He feels special because she loves him and only him. He makes her feel special every single moment they're together. He savors her beauty and tells her so, enough to make her believe she's the most precious thing he's ever laid his eyes upon. And when they're together, it is breathless and urgent, yet time stands still, and flies at the same time.

THAT'S what I'm certain a soulmate is.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

On My Knees

It seems as though the Universe is challenging my resolve to stay positive these days. The harder I try, the more the Universe pushes me.

I don't know how to determine if I should give up on something because thinking positive is only making me delusoinal about the truth. Am I just ignoring the facts of reality and making myself believe something is what it isn't? Where do you draw the line?

This week has been near impossible to digest for me. A major potential health scare, and ghost from the past coming back to screw up my life and cost me what I love the most.

I refuse to believe that my angels would bring me back here just to have this all taken away again, or for me to be too sick to live out my goal. But my resolve is about worn out this time. I can't make it through all of this again. It almost killed me the last time.

Please God, please Universe, please heaven, please angels, please fate.....
please make it go away. Isn't it time for me to be happy for once? I've spent so much time pretending to be happy, so much time sacrificing my inner happiness for others' sakes. Haven't I been through enough already? I'm on my knees now begging for it. I have been humbled by events of the past, I'm here in this place of understanding my mistakes of the past, willing to do what it takes to get to where I want to be...


Happy, healthy, financially secure, loved and in love, for the many many happy years of my life.

It is not my will, but Thine own. I stand before Thee pleading for my happiness.

*Additional note*
At the beginning of the year on certain powerful astrological days, I performed some cleansing rituals and asked the Universe for what I want. At one point, I told my friend that I didn't really care anymore what it took, as long as I got to where I wanted to be.
So, now, all of this is happening again...and I don't know how it will end...but all I can cling to is, hopefully, this is the direction that was meant to be, and this is the path to what I am longing for. (Positive spin, wishful thinking and delusion? Or Strong Willed, hopeful belief?)


Betrayal has many forms

Each of them inflicting pain

Betrayal of a lover in the arms of another

Breaks the heart

Betrayal of a friend that was not

Breaks your trust

Beytral of the one you love most thinking the worst

Breaks your soul

Betrayal of the universe bringing you pain

Breaks your spirit


This too, shall pass, they say

Rise above this

You have to feel the worst to appreciate the best

If it was mean to be it will be


True, perhaps

Agonizing, nonetheless

Broken hearts do mend

But they're never the same

Once broken, faith comes and goes like the rain

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Dreams

January 14th, 2010...I've been focusing on the positive....mostly. My horoscopes say that with the new moon today, this will be a pivotal day for me. I'm really hopeful about that.
I'm doing the best I can to stay on the bright side, but there are many challenges. In my most challenging moments, so far, I've gotten by with telling myself 'The universe works in mysterious ways, and I'm trusting in God's divine timing, this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.'

I truly believe that friends are family that you get to hand pick. I have picked some awesome friends. I've had the great fortune to have two of my friends buy me plane tickets to Arizona and Texas this coming month then later in the spring. Some time away from life's aggravations, and some much needed warmth and sunshine will be a welcome rest, indeed.

Texas is important to me, because there is an old friend there that I've recently reconnected with. He was my neighbor from when I very young. I moved away when I was 7 years old, and never heard from him again. I practically lived at his house. I credit his Mom for my addiction to Mexican food. Florence made the most awesome hand made tortillas every night with dinner. That was one of my most fond memories of childhood. Anyway, almost 2 years ago Danny found me on classmates, contacted me, and asked me to come down to visit. I initially declined, because I couldn't really afford the time off of work, as I had already used my vacation time. But, later that week I had a breakdown realizing that it was his mother's 81st birthday, and if I didn't go, I might not ever have the opportunity to see her again. Suddenly, seeing Florence (who was a good friend of my Mother's) became one of the last little connections to my dwindling family. So, with tears in my eyes, I reunited with my long lost 'family', and it was awesome. So, Danny sent me tickets to go back, and I can't wait!.

My best friend is taking me to Arizona next month. I can't wait to meet my twitter pals that I have become very fond of. But Arizona also has another strong meaning to me. My grandparents wintered there every year since the 70's. When my son was young, we would go visit every spring break. The state, and especially Superstition Mountain has a very special meaning to me.
It will be like coming home for me. I haven't been there, since my grandparents passed away, which has been over 10 years.

So, with all this excitement and joy, from out of the blue, I'm stricken with sadness. I wasn't prepared. The other night I had an emotional dream. I dreamed I was at some family wedding, and my grandparents and mother were there. For some reason I got into a heated debate with my grandmother. (My grandmother and I were very alike and often would butt heads.) So, after this debate, I was leaving the event, and I went to hug my Grandfather goodbye. And in that instant, my Grandfather appeared to me as a combination of my Mother, Grandmother and Grandfather all in one. And, as I hugged goodbye, I realized that it would be the last time that I would ever seem him/them again. I woke up sobbing, tears rolling down my face, gasping for air through tears. And, it took me over half an hour to calm myself, because I couldn't stop thinking that I was there, alone in the dark.

So, needless to say, I have been 'off' since that happened. I'm feeling tired, alone, and insecure about my future. And I'm back to questioning "Do I go back to the old ways of latching onto what's known, and 'comfortable', or do I march forward into the fear of the unknown to find happiness?"

I'm just putting one foot forward and going through the motions and trying to analyze everything that happens. I can look hard into everything that happens and come up with a conclusion that would fit either choice. Are 'bad' things happening because I should get out of where I am? Or are 'bad' things happening to scare me back into what I know?

"Trust in God's divine timing, and know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment." Hmmmmm

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Mysterious Ways

So, as it seems, if you read my last post, I'm having a hell of a time staying on the positive end of the spectrum. Some days are not only challenging, but near impossible! I have things bombarding me on every level of my existence.


What got me through? After the sobbing and tears, I consoled myself with this:



Everything happens for a reason...the good and the bad.

i.e. I cursed the heavens that my Mom didn't die when she became sick, and that she told me she wanted to die, and I had to be the one to request no further medical intervention for a simple upper respiratory infection until it stopped her from breathing. It could've been treated with antibiotics in the hospital. But my 63 year old mother had been declining in a nursing home for 3 years, and now was all but incapacitated completely, and didn't want to live helplessly dependant on caregivers. I was so angry at God and the Universe for making me responsible for making this choice, I wanted it out of my hands. But, as a result of her semi recovery from the first illness, in a moment of complete clarity she told me and my son that she loved us, and we told her how much we loved her. And she made a final request of me, and I gave her the gift of doing exactly what she wanted. Awful, horrible, upsetting, and tragic, but a reason for the pain.

and


God and the Universe works in mysterious ways

i.e. Before my Mom got sick, when I found out my husky, Sheba had cancer, I had been looking into Alaskan Klee Kai puppies. (Miniature huskies) I wanted a little husky, with less of a coat, a female, but the rare breed was too expensive for my blood. So I searched husky rescue for a stray that would be good with cats (a needle in a haystack). I had to put Sheba to sleep the beginning of July, my Mom passed in the beginning of October. Approximately 2 months after my Mom passed, 6 days after Christmas, and 3 days before my Birthday, an approximately 2 month old female husky puppy all but appeared from out of the ether. I was working, and someone carried her in and said, I found this puppy in the parking lot, does it belong to anyone?
The pictures you see were taken the day she was found. Fully grown, she only weighs abut 49 pounds, is petite, and has a light coat. Coming to me in a devastated period of my life, losing a job, friend/coworkers, volatile relationship with my son, and losing my Mom that way, I was all but inconsolable. This puppy was, and still is my JOY, the light of my life, my happiness. Talk about mysterious ways!











And, this March, in the beginning of another volatile time in my life, a small red male husky was brought to my attention at a high kill shelter. I intended to foster him, but he was sick. I treated him for heartworm, as a result of the discomfort of the injection in his back, he threw himself in my lap with his head on my chest, I held him like a baby and he just stayed there in my arms. And in that instant, he became mine. He's a patient, tolerant, calm (rare for a husky) gentle boy, and has quickly become the 2nd light of my life. And, has become a personal play toy for my Maija, they are joined at the shoulder and inseparable.
Mysterious ways indeed!




And now, in spite of the chaos going on at home, I am planning two vacations, BOTH paid for by friends. I have been given the gift of having chosen the BEST friends I could ever ask for.
And now I get to go see some of my awesome new Twitter friends, and I can't wait!
So....even when it's bad...I try to remind myself of the good, and tell myself to trust in God's and the Universe's Divine timing, and trust that it will all work out right in the end. My horoscopes (Capricorn) all say that this is my year, to make changes and get what my heart truly desires.

So, my mantra, trust in timing, and this is MY year...good things to come.
GOOD things to come :)