Dreams

January 14th, 2010...I've been focusing on the positive....mostly. My horoscopes say that with the new moon today, this will be a pivotal day for me. I'm really hopeful about that.
I'm doing the best I can to stay on the bright side, but there are many challenges. In my most challenging moments, so far, I've gotten by with telling myself 'The universe works in mysterious ways, and I'm trusting in God's divine timing, this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.'

I truly believe that friends are family that you get to hand pick. I have picked some awesome friends. I've had the great fortune to have two of my friends buy me plane tickets to Arizona and Texas this coming month then later in the spring. Some time away from life's aggravations, and some much needed warmth and sunshine will be a welcome rest, indeed.

Texas is important to me, because there is an old friend there that I've recently reconnected with. He was my neighbor from when I very young. I moved away when I was 7 years old, and never heard from him again. I practically lived at his house. I credit his Mom for my addiction to Mexican food. Florence made the most awesome hand made tortillas every night with dinner. That was one of my most fond memories of childhood. Anyway, almost 2 years ago Danny found me on classmates, contacted me, and asked me to come down to visit. I initially declined, because I couldn't really afford the time off of work, as I had already used my vacation time. But, later that week I had a breakdown realizing that it was his mother's 81st birthday, and if I didn't go, I might not ever have the opportunity to see her again. Suddenly, seeing Florence (who was a good friend of my Mother's) became one of the last little connections to my dwindling family. So, with tears in my eyes, I reunited with my long lost 'family', and it was awesome. So, Danny sent me tickets to go back, and I can't wait!.

My best friend is taking me to Arizona next month. I can't wait to meet my twitter pals that I have become very fond of. But Arizona also has another strong meaning to me. My grandparents wintered there every year since the 70's. When my son was young, we would go visit every spring break. The state, and especially Superstition Mountain has a very special meaning to me.
It will be like coming home for me. I haven't been there, since my grandparents passed away, which has been over 10 years.

So, with all this excitement and joy, from out of the blue, I'm stricken with sadness. I wasn't prepared. The other night I had an emotional dream. I dreamed I was at some family wedding, and my grandparents and mother were there. For some reason I got into a heated debate with my grandmother. (My grandmother and I were very alike and often would butt heads.) So, after this debate, I was leaving the event, and I went to hug my Grandfather goodbye. And in that instant, my Grandfather appeared to me as a combination of my Mother, Grandmother and Grandfather all in one. And, as I hugged goodbye, I realized that it would be the last time that I would ever seem him/them again. I woke up sobbing, tears rolling down my face, gasping for air through tears. And, it took me over half an hour to calm myself, because I couldn't stop thinking that I was there, alone in the dark.

So, needless to say, I have been 'off' since that happened. I'm feeling tired, alone, and insecure about my future. And I'm back to questioning "Do I go back to the old ways of latching onto what's known, and 'comfortable', or do I march forward into the fear of the unknown to find happiness?"

I'm just putting one foot forward and going through the motions and trying to analyze everything that happens. I can look hard into everything that happens and come up with a conclusion that would fit either choice. Are 'bad' things happening because I should get out of where I am? Or are 'bad' things happening to scare me back into what I know?

"Trust in God's divine timing, and know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment." Hmmmmm