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Friday, December 31, 2010

Goodbye 2010, hello 2011

It’s been a while since my last post. It’s not because I haven’t still had a million thoughts running through my head, but because I’ve been a slacker, mostly. I’ve been finding a lot of things to keep me busy around the house since riding weather is gone, and I’ve been left to sit around & look at everything surrounding me. I refinished my counter tops, ripped out and re-caulked the tub, and I’m gearing up to tear down old wallpaper and paint. I really should get a job soon, before the whole inside of the house is torn apart!

I spent the day running errands, cleaning house, making my ‘traditional’ new years eve dinner of fillet & lobster. It is the last day of 2010, and, of course I’ve been looking back on this past year. It’s been interesting, that’s for sure. I started the year frustrated and stressed, walked out on my job in May, and in spite of the lack of income, I’ve had a pleasant, de-stressing and adventurous riding season, which led me into a somewhat calmer fall. Yes, I got sad and missed my Mom, as I always do in October, but this year, because I spent so much time truly savoring and enjoying the summer and life, I have been more ok with the changing seasons than I have been in a long time. I am more at peace.

I listened to a few Alicia Keys songs today, and they had me thinking a lot about life, and how it is and has been for me.

Life perfect
Ain't perfect
If you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past cause I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before
You ought to see me now

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned

-------------------------------------

Life is cheap, bittersweet
But it taste good to me

Take my turn, crash and burn
That's how it's supposed to be

So don’t rain on my parade
Life’s too short to waste one day

I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall
Yes it sure looks good to me

Time passed by leaves you behind
Take it naturally

Heaven knows There’s so much more
More than what we see

So don’t rain on my parade
Life’s too short to waste one day

I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall
Yes it sure looks good to me

And I feel like I’m seeing the world inside of me
But I can tell you that I know, it's getting easier to breathe,

There’s a cold in the morning, endless equation
Of who’ve we've become, it’s a complex situation

So live, love, life give love
Live, love, life, give love
Live, love, life, give love

So don’t rain on my parade
Life’s too short to waste one day

I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall
Yes it sure looks good to me
--------------------------------------------
Anyway, so, in spite of what appeared to be a setback, by losing income, I gained a new peace within myself. I’m not bidding good riddance to a bad year, but smiling because of the savor life moments I’ve been fortunate enough to notice and burn into memory. It’s just appreciation of the little things, really. But those little things have made a big difference in my state of mind.

I took a mental inventory last year, I plan on revisiting it at some point and noting the changes in me. But for now, I have decided to go into the new year not looking upon the past, but toward the future.

Another Alicia Keys song “All I know is everything’s gonna be allright”



The approach for this year…

1. Give thanks that life is... just as it is (and that it's been... just as it's been). Because of it, I’m now "READY."

2. Define what I want in terms of the end result. Don't worry about the hows, or even the course. KNOW that what I want is ALREADY mine in spirit, by divine LAW, to just focus on the certainty of this ownership, understand it, claim it, and "it will be on earth, as it is in heaven (spirit)."

3. LET THE UNIVERSE show me the way via my impulses and instincts that appear as I take inspired action. Don't worry that my first steps seem silly or futile. And if I don't know what to do, do anything! Go! Get busy! Do not insist on intermediary successes, only upon the end result.

2011 is going to be my year (it already is) and I’m really excited to see it unfold!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Road Untraveled


Riding in November without chaps or heavy leathers, just a windbreaker and a sweatshirt. The unseasonably warm weather for the last 3 days in a row was great, I planned to fully take advantage of it. When I woke up today it was delightfully still mild, and the forecast had changed from 60’s and rain, to 70’s and sunny. Another day to savor the good stuff. It will be hard for me to find that good stuff when the world around me is frozen under it’s months long white blanket of stillness. A gift within a gift, that’s what today was. I chose to head south today, and savor every moment of the probable last ride of the year. I was taking mental note of everything I could and committing it to memory to keep me warm through the winter months while my baby sits blanketed in the dark garage until spring.

These past few days, it’s seemed as if I have been looking at my surroundings with new eyes, making it a point to travel down roads I hadn’t seen, and wondered where they led. I found myself amazed at the vast rolling farm land all around me. I grew up in Chicago and the South Suburbs, then moved slightly farther south for a while, where the area was speckled with small farms here and there, but mostly subdivisions, then moving farther still, to Indiana. I’ve lived in this area for over 15 years now, I’m well aware that I live in an agricultural area. I’ve encountered many a slow moving tractor, hay wagon, the occasional horse and rider traveling roadside, and of course the lovely fertilizer smells of spring and fall. But for some reason, lately, I’ve been rediscovering the beauty of the land. Apparently I’ve gotten really good at turning a blind eye, taking it all for granted. My observation ride led me past sheep, goats, horses, cows, dead skunk, and acres upon acres of farm land some recently cut down, and some freshly turned over and fertilized. Miles and miles of land, shades of brown and amber, vegetation in it’s final stages, rows of trees in the distance with leaves in all shades of brown, everything readying itself for the long Midwest winter nap knocking at our door. The sun was fabulously inviting, and the road was welcoming, even though I had no idea where I was going, or if I was going to get lost. For a while I was a little afraid, as some of the turns I took led me to less than ideal riding conditions. I wondered if I was making a mistake, and should I turn back to a familiar direction. I told myself to keep going a little while, and make that decision again if it didn’t get better. Each time I did that, the road seemed as if it then rolled itself out and led me to a more pleasant journey. Eventually I ran into the smoothest and most scenic road, that was miles and miles of beautiful new pavement. It seemed like it rolled on forever, and I was perfectly content to continue to see this road to it’s end. Before I knew it I was so far east, that I had never been that far away from home by myself. I couldn’t believe it. I hung a left at the next main road, but my eye still tried to reach further down that beautiful new blacktop, and my heart wanted to keep on going. But, alas, I had so many things to take care of yet today.

Heading back toward home, I rode down Veterans Memorial Parkway, a fitting day to be there, and I hadn’t intended on it. I knew there was a Memorial ahead so I looked for the turn off and I stopped there for a brief moment. It was the Lake County Indiana Korean War Veterans Memorial. I read each name listed there, noting if they were killed, missing, or had received honorable mention. It was a sizable list of names, yet they were only people from Lake County. I personally, did not know of anyone who served in Korea, my Grandfather served in England and Germany in WW2, he was a gunner. I hear they told them in training not to make any friends, because it was most likely that they would not make it. My Uncle joined the Marines after he graduated, but I’ve never heard him mention any of it before, I don't think he saw active duty. Even though this memorial did not have any personal meaning to me, these soldiers were important, and deserved a moment of my time to reflect, give thanks, and say a prayer. They paid the ultimate price so that I could be here today, so yes, it was personal after all.

The last few miles of my ride closing in left me feeling like I wanted to keep going, but I had many other things to get done, so I made myself continue on home. I knew that, no matter how many miles I was able to ride on this beautiful last day, it would never be enough. So, I gave thanks for the gift within the gift of this week, and smiled reflecting on my journey. I took a new path, not knowing where it would lead. Some of it was a little treacherous, but, trusting in my abilities, and my sense of direction, I relaxed and kept going forward. What I found was that if I continued forward instead of resorting to going back to familiar territory, if I trusted in myself and was reasonably cautious, that the shaky ground I was on turned into smooth sailing. I gained a little more confidence in myself with each mile, and found beautiful new scenery all around me. And all in all, it was a positive growth experience for which I was thankful.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Amen, I'm alive

I have had an adventurous summer this year, riding in 11 states, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Missouri, and Kansas. I think I’ve done fairly well being present and absorbing it all and committing it to memory. I call it my Enjoy Life Project, and think I did a good job. It hasn’t been all happiness and fun times. This year has had its serious challenges for sure. Early this spring I had a falling out with my best friend of over 25 years, not unforgiveable by any means, but the damage, in my opinion is irreparable. Only time will tell for certain. Over stressed and overwhelmed with the dynamic of management where I worked led me to walking out on a job that I loved dearly. It gave me a lot of free time to decompress and unload the negativity that was encompassing me to be free of the stress and do what I want, when I want.

I have found this to be a difficult past week for me. First, I stumbled upon a piece of unsettling news that had the potential to really shake my foundation of what I thought I knew. I tried not to let it take me over and lead me into a panic, but it did cause me to worry about my future. I also got news that yet another person that I knew had been tragically killed in a random accident, and taken from this world all too soon. I had written about my friend’s brother Michael being killed in a work accident in the spring, which caused me to dwell on what if you only had three days to live. Well, there I am again, thinking about mortality and time. I know we all think that way when we hear of someone’s passing, I’m nothing new. A girl that I sat with at Rider’s Edge Class, and had kept in touch through ladies’ rides and class reunions was tragically killed by a semi that ran a red light as she was driving home in the early hours of the morning. She got off work from bar-tending, spent the night at her boyfriend’s, and decided to get up early, drive her car home to get her books, and go to class. Kelle was 32 years old, and known by many for her smile, her laughter, and being vivacious and full of fun, and in a split second she was gone. If she hadn’t stayed the night at her boyfriends, if she hadn’t decided to go get her books, if she had waited just a few more seconds before she turned onto the highway, she would still be here. But, life is short, and it waits for no one. When it’s your time, it’s your time, and we don’t get to know in advance.

Her family had requested that riders attend her services, as a tribute to her love of riding. I committed to them that I would. I did ride to her wake to pay my respects. It was especially difficult, as this was the same place I had my Moms services a few years prior, and I hadn’t been back since. I spent the hour wait in line fighting off anxiety attacks. Dizziness, difficulty breathing, hot flashes, shaking, the need for air, the all encompassing gut feeling that the world is crushing you, and if you don’t get out, you will surely not make it. Couldn’t leave, I’d lose my place in line. I fought hard not to break down for a few reasons. I didn’t want to look stupid, because I wasn’t so close to her that I would be an emotional mess, and because I didn’t want to make this about me, it wasn’t fair, and because I refuse to be weak, dammit! My Rider’s Edge instructor and I were to ride in the funeral the next day. I had thought it necessary, because I didn’t think there would be that many bikes, but I found out that there were Fire Trucks, and the Freedom Riders attending, and my instructor was riding in with someone else, I started to wonder if I really should go, not having been so close to her. I ended up having an opportunity to spend some time with a friend that I rarely ever get enough time to see, and the weather was wonderful as well, so, after much consideration, I chose not to attend the funeral. I was glad that I had stayed and paid my respects the day before, and I chose to spend the time with a friend, and to take an unseasonably warm ride and to thoroughly enjoy doing what I love most, with God’s gift of a fabulous day. I don’t think Kelle would have disapproved.

Some time has passed since I’ve immersed myself in the joy of riding, due to having my bike in the shop for 3 weeks, and riding weather winding down for the season. I had started to forget how spiritual an experience riding really is. I always ‘know’ being in the wind is a whole body and soul experience, we all have heard people talk about what it feels like to ride. But with the time span between rides ever growing, the full effect of it fades away. It’s been 20 degrees warmer than normal for this time of year these past few days, I’ve been blessed with riding weather in November  and I’m lovin’ every minute of it while I can. There are a few roads that I’ve ridden past and thought, that looks interesting, I wonder where that goes. So, this time, I turned and went there, finding a beautiful new experience unfolding while I absorbed it all. A hilly and winding road, running through some wooded areas, with the sun in my face flickering past near leafless trees, and leading to vast, rolling farmland, some brown and harvested, some newly overturned and rich with heavy warm black earth. I could see the tree lines out in the distance with what seemed like a foggy mist blanketing their borders. Each time I came to a crossroad, I looked each way, then chose the most scenic direction. The air was rich with the scent of fallen leaves, the air was warm, yet crisp, as it is in the fall, and the sun was bright, almost blinding, blurring the edges of objects ahead of me, I could feel it’s warmth, but I could tell it was much farther away than what I had enjoyed all summer long. I felt a deep, comforting wave of peace overcome me in those moments. I could feel it in my bones, it started in my chest, and radiated it’s way down to my core, and I felt comforted and relaxed. It was different than the normal relaxation riding brings. Without being given a reason or proof, I felt that everything will be ok, that God and the Universe is beautiful and good, and that life for me is going to be just fine. I have no explanation, other than I was viewing the world with new eyes, as if I had never seen landscape like this before, and every inch of it amazed me. I have many concerns and worries in general, and this week in particular, but in that moment, something told me that everything will work out for the good and I am traveling the right road.

The lesson I’m taking away from this past week is, take that extra few seconds to look around you before you take that intersection, and pay attention to all of your seconds. Do what you have to do and what you should do, but make sure you find the seconds that make you happy and fulfill you as well. Life waits for no one, so don’t you wait for better timing, or better circumstances to go after your heart’s desire. Conceive it, believe it, and achieve it, and live life with fulfillment. It’s all happening now, reach for it, you CAN have it, and the universe wants it for you.
Singing Amen, I’m Alive


Saturday, October 23, 2010

Daddy's Little Girls

It's a crappy rain day, and I'm sitting here feeling lonely and without ambition. Even my dogs went right back to bed after breakfast. So I'm sitting here at my computer, and that lead me to this:

A conversation was sparked today from a picture a friend posted of his daughter on Facebook. He called her his princess.
I told him that every little girl deserves a devoted Dad, to feel she’s the center of his world and would give her anything, to teach her what she should look for in a man to love. Without that, a girl will spend her whole life finding out the hard way. I speak of experience on that one, and I’m not alone.

My parents bitterly divorced when I was just starting first grade. I remember very little of that period in our lives. I know that my Mom ‘ran away’ in the middle of the night with just the clothes on our backs, and there are few pictures or mementos of our lives until after that point. I was 7 years old when that happened. I do remember seeing him a couple of weekends, and feeling like I was unwelcome in what used to be MY house. He was physically abusive to my Mom, and she only left him because she was afraid he would do it to me. I remember feeling paralyzed against a wall watching him in a drunken rage, punching holes through a tile wall, breaking up the furniture and throwing it out the back door. My Mom even said he took a 2x4 and broke my Great Dane’s leg. My other memories of him were getting arrested at a carnival because he wouldn’t throw away his beer, us leaving a nice restaurant, making a scene because the service wasn’t fast enough, and being arrested at our 4th of July barbecue for selling fireworks. The last memory I had of him was after the divorce, when he took me Christmas shopping and told me to buy anything I wanted. I had a field day with that. But, when I got home, at the tender age of 7, I saw the disappointment in my Mom’s eyes as I showed her the very things she had bought me for gifts. I felt so bad I told her, “It’s ok Mom, I can play with two Barbie airplanes.” Later in life, I realized he did that, not to make me happy, but to hurt my Mother.
I looked him up when I was in high school. I found out really quickly that for him to be the ‘giving devoted Dad’ that every girl wants, I needed to have an audience. I saw him a few times, and when I brought someone with me, he showed off and acted like the generous, devoted Dad that I wanted him to be. I saw him a few times, he gave me a few bucks, and we had a few dinners.
I married at the age of 20, had my Son a year later, he saw him once when he was 6 months old. Prior to that he berated me for getting pregnant with no insurance. I stopped reaching out to him, and I never heard from him again.
As I’ve mentioned, October is a horrible month for me, having lost my Mother. I get lonely, having a tiny, disappearing family. In my weak moments, I’ve allowed myself to write to my Dad twice. First, about a year after my Mom passed, and just this past month or so. I’m not surprised I haven’t heard from him, and only half disappointed, as I know that having him in my life is only going to lead to more hurt feelings. Better off without him, I know this.

But still, when I see a woman who’s Dad has always given her everything , dancing at her wedding, I tell myself I’m stronger for my experiences, but the bitterness and envy is in the background. I’m happy for them, and very sad for me.

So, for all you Dads out there listen up:
Always show them and tell them how much you love them, and how proud you are of them. Tell them they can do and be anything that they want to be. Make them aware of the truth that they are worth having a man who will treat them like gold and do anything for them, and they should not tolerate any less. Girls can always subject themselves to less than desirable treatment at the hands of men in the name of love, but the ones that have no example will believe they don’t deserve and better, or that there isn’t anything better out there. There is a very popular John Mayer song, “Fathers be good to your daughters, for daughters will love like you do.” And it is the truth. Daddy issues can leave a girl so desperate for love and approval that she will subject herself to ANYTHING just to find it.

A devoted Daddy can foster the greatest confidence and pride, a strong sense of self and security, and the understanding that they can reach for the stars, and if they fall, someone will always be there to catch them. That could be the difference that causes her to strive for the very best in life, not being afraid to try, for fear of failure or humiliation. The difference between happiness, and misery is in your hands. Give them the knowledge of how they should be respected and loved, and the tools of confidence to accept nothing less, and the courage to leave no stone unturned.
She will be a different woman, and have a totally different life if you do. The best life possible is a gift that lies in your hands.
And to the fathers of boys: Teach them well, for they learn how to treat a woman from YOU.

And for those of us 'little girls' out there who are lacking in the above...YOU are wonderful, fabulous, and STRONG...just because you didn't have someone there to tell you this your whole life, only makes you stronger. You DESERVE everything your heart desires, and don't let ANYONE convince you otherwise, especially not yourself.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Dear Mom, Revisited

Below are excerpts of a letter to my Mother from a prior blog post. My Mom loved the fall, so everything now reminds me of her. She loved the fall, and loved to go out looking at the leaves, so every day in October reminds me of her.
I'm revisiting my letter today, which would have been my Mom's 68th birthday, and my thoughts are heavily with her.

Dear Mom
I miss you so much there aren't words enough to say.
You were my hero and I didn't even know it. You were strong enough to leave an abusive relationship, not for yourself, but for me. You saved yourself because of your maternal need to save your child from harm. You were the original Working Single Mother. I am a Mother, and I cannot imagine the feelings and fears you must have had, worrying about bills and raising a child, all the while working downtown Chicago, making it on your own. I don't remember wanting for anything during those early difficult times, so you must have sacrificed so much for my happiness' sake. And for that I am eternally grateful. Single working Mothers were few and far between back in 1974, you were a trail blazer. You never remarried, and, as far as I know, never had another relationship after the divorce, so I can't even begin to fathom the loneliness you must have felt for those 30+ years. But I feel lonely and lost without you now, so I can imagine to a degree.

The world isn't the same without you. When I had to admit you to the nursing home, I almost had a mental breakdown right there in the hallway. Going there to have luncheons with you on Mother's Day and holidays, I thought I was sad then, and now I catch myself wishing for those 'sad' days.

I am sad, however it is a more profound feeling than just sad. It's a deep gaping hole in my heart...no, it's in my soul. There isn't much to our little family. Your brother who makes an appearance every couple of years, and your sister who tries to remember to call and check on me here and there, but has her own life with her new husband and new family. And of course, my Son, your Grandson...well, I hope that one day he comes around and decides he understands what he's doing and starts respecting himself and those around him. Maybe one day he'll come around and love his Mother again. I am truly sorry if I ever made you feel even a fraction of the disappointment or unhappiness that I have found myself feeling as a Mother. Aside from having a few friends you didn't approve of, and a snide remark here and there though, I think we were ok, right?

You've been gone 4 years now, and it still hurts like yesterday, I'm just better at stuffing it in than I was before. I still feel like I'm 5 years old and lost in the mall again. Only now, I know that there isn't anyone out there that can come save me. Right after you passed, my first words were, "Now what am I supposed to do." I meant about the whole nursing home, belongings, funeral, arrangements, etc...but also the who am I without you part too.

A Dad who only loves himself, both Grandparents deceased, and no Mother....
Having your family leave one by one, feels like they are threads connecting you, holding you down to the earth, and each time one dies, a thread gets cut. Mom, when I lost you it felt like the last single thread holding me down to existence was cut, and I found myself floating aimlessly in space, unsure now where I belong, and unable to go back to where I came from, and no one to reach out to show me the way.

I miss you....MISS...it's a insignificant little word...until now. Now I know better.

As years go by, I'm more capable of compartmentalizing and distracting my feelings, they are, and always will be there. I do my best when 'historical' dates come around to distract or do something that will make me 'happy'. But you and how much I miss you will never be off my mind.

I loved you, even when I didn't show it enough.
I needed you, even when I pushed you away.
And I miss you, and will miss you even when it's been too many years to count
Love,
Your Only Child

*note to my blog readers*
I share this letter with you, not only to share the thoughts in my head, but to remind you all to Love, Honor and Cherish your Mother, no matter what your circumstances with her are. Because when she is gone, it's all gone. You'll have a question about the family past, or some silly thing way before your time, and your first instinct will be I need to ask...and then..it will hit you:
there isn't anyone left to answer that....that tidbit of trivia that you just pondered will never be answered, it's gone now. GONE

It's been years now, and that sort of thing still happens to me all the time.
The missing part....it is forever missing....your soul is missing a piece, and you will not get it back until you are reunited in the afterlife. Don't wait until then, to enjoy and savor what you have here and now while you still can

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Daunting Tasks, Amazing Results










Lately I've been making a half hearted attempt at meditation. I'm intrigued at the thought of being still and becoming closer to the vibrations of the universe. I have difficulty with sitting still and not thinking, it's a daunting task for me. It's hard to focus on universal vibrations when I'm focusing on focusing!

The weather this week has been a glorious gift. By now it should be in the 50's for an average. It's been sunny and 70's for days. I'm loving it! I've been stuck in the house the past couple days, there's been a mad gunman at large. I live in Northwest Indiana, and apparently a guy has been indiscriminantly shooting people, and was last seen in my town, not that far from my house. He's killed one, and injured 3, one of them shot in the head in critical condition. It's a bi-state manhunt, but so far, it's been to no avail. A lot of farmland and rural roads around here, it's a dunting task. But, in spite of the wide spread fear, I made it a point to go outside, sit in the sun and soak up the gifts of the universe.

One of my favorite things is to lay down on my deck swing and feel the warmth of the sun, while swinging and looking up at the sky. The sky was completely void of just about everything. (Over the past couple days, there has been a LOT of helicopters circling) All was a welcoming quiet. While looking at the brilliant blue sky, I caught a flicker of a sparkle out of the corner of my eye. Upon further inspection, I could see it was a spider's webbing. It had to be a good 4 feet from the top of my deck swing down to the deck railing. It got me to thinking about how amazing it is that a tiny little spider can take a delicate string and make a stretch that far. I watched the breeze blow it back and forth. The spider had to have descended down, then waited for the right timing when the breeze took it a good distance and then in perfect timing dropped the rest of it's string to reach the deck railing. Then I looked behind me and saw the early stages of a web sparkling in the sun. So delicate, such hard work. I wonder how many times it's plan failed or looked too impossible to try. Wow, that's amazing. Ok, here's where I admit I really hate spiders, and I started getting the heebie jeebies thinking they were crawling on me, so I started thinking I should probably get up. As I looked above me one last time to enjoy the sparkles, I saw the tiny white-ish spider dangling from a string, swinging back & forth with the breeze. Still not giving up. Yep, amazing little creature, amazing accomplishments.

I saw a large flock of little birds, flapping their wings furiously and shooting across the sky. The bright sun almost made it appear as they're wings had bright yellow on them. I think it was just the sun, as I've never seen that type of bird in that number in this area before. Another natural phenomenon. That must take a lot of effort, and must be really tiring to flap wings that furiously. What a daunting task to fly south for the winter. But that's what life is for them, so they don't give up.

Just before I got up I managed to see 3 different planes in the air. One was a small plane, and two were the large kind that cut a blazing white trail through the blue sky. All that metal, all that weight, and yet it flies through the air. What a daunting task it was for two men to take that from imagination to reality. Truly amazing. How many times did that project look doomed, or have huge setbacks. Where would we be if they gave up when it got difficult?

A tiny spider making a massive (in comparison to it's size) web, a single idea, into a massive airplane. Lessons in life before my very eyes. It can look like a daunting task, but you have to keep going forward to get where you want to be. The universe is huge, and you are just one person, but your impact upon the world, and yourself, is of the utmost importance. Don't give up on yourself or the universe!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Upon us all a little rain must fall









I have been doing fairly well over the past few months focusing on my 'enjoy life project' and looking for the positive in everything. I am, by nature, a summer kind of person, and when it comes to an end, I tend to get a little down. But, the month of October in particular has even more of a profound effect on me than just disappointment that summer is over. I've posted about it in full detail on my blog before: my first ever blog post So Now What: http://myheartsinarizona.blogspot.com/2009/10/everybodys-bloggingso-what-hell.html

I will try to provide a brief explanation for those of you who aren't familiar.
Four years ago life as I knew it began to fall apart. Aside from having to put 2 of my beloved animals to sleep due to separate health problems, my Mom, who was barely 64 and in a nursing home for the past few years became incapable physically doing much of anything for herself, became sick and begged me to let her die. The illness was a simple urinary tract infection which was rectified with iv antibiotics, but she was placed in restraints because she kept fidgeting the iv tubing out. She grabbed my arm and said "I love you, I love you, I don't want to live like this"
So, the next time she got an infection, I had to tell them to let her be. It was what she wanted. As if that wasn't bad enough, two months later, the job that I identified myself with sold, and the new owner was unbearable, and within weeks everyone quit. One would think that was enough too, but of course, there's more. A few months after that, I was betrayed by the very people that were closest to me, and I had to write them out of my life. And my relationship with my Son became extremely strained and volatile at the same time. Whew, a lot on my plate.

I try not to let all of this 'stuff' define me, I know I am much more than the adversity that I have faced, and that others have faced so much more than I. I do my best to focus on something else as much as I can. It's just this time of year that, in spite of my efforts to stay occupied by other things, it always creeps up on me at some point. October 3rd is the day my Mom passed away, and the 22nd is her birthday. She loved the fall and the changing leaves and cool temperatures.
So this time of year she is always on my mind.

I've come to realize that the pain will always hurt as if it was yesterday, but with time it gets less frequent, and that I should start celebrating all that my Mom loved, and not focus on all the loss that I feel. But, without a Mother, a child feels lost. I have my dark and stormy days, and I'm fully aware that I should not allow it to consume me. I'm doing the best that I can to occupy myself, but it still manages to creep up on me. Riding season is all but over, so the regular 2 wheel therapy ride to blow out the cobwebs of my mind is sporadic, weather permitting.

I need to revel in all that she loved, and find comfort in the fact that she is watching over and protecting me from above. I know she wants me to be safe and happy. I may have lost her in my physical world, but I have gained the best Guardian Angel one could ever ask for. I've seen the proof several times over.

Today was a tough day for me, I found myself easily aggitated and unhappy. The weather was horrible. Cold, windy, raw and rainy. On my travels for a little retail therapy, the sky was ugly in every direction I could look. I came out of the store in the driving rain to see the sun shining brightly from one space between the clouds. The western part of the sky began to break and the light was blinding. Ominous ugly black clouds in 3 directions, and sunlight from the west turned into a beautiful double WHOLE rainbow. You don't get to see full rainbows all that often. The sky around it was dark and depressing, but the brilliantly cheerful colors sliced through dark clouds in an arc, and seemed to glow with beaming light. I looked in awe as if I had never seen one before. I found myself interested in the exact circumstances that brought this piece of beauty to be. I know I've learned about this phenomenon in school as a child, but I couldn't help but be amazed. A little miracle in the sky. A gift from above.

My conclusion, that no matter how gloomy a situation is presenting itself around you, no matter how depressing and ugly it may seem in every direction, this too, shall pass. There will be a break in the clouds, an illumination of light, and if you're lucky, you will find colorful joy. Look for it, find it, and savor it.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

1/4 mile at a time




I did it! I'm now officially a drag racer! I made my racing debut at the AMRA finals in Bowling Green Ky last weekend. I had been practicing and preparing most of the summer, but I had never had a real race until then. What a way to initiate myself! The AMRA finals, tons of spectators and record numbers of competitors. Talk about go big or go home! Another 'big dog' moment completed for me. (The kind of moment where I feel I'm pushing the limits of my ability & I tell myself "you wanted to run with the big dogs, don't get back on that porch now!")

The details: Going up to the registration booth not knowing who, what, where I was supposed to be was the start of my baptism by fire. Fortunately I had good friends to guide me. Studied the schedule, which may as well have been in latin, then had a whole night to make myself a mental case about it. Saturday morning I had about 2 hours to run test & tune. I delayed until I couldn't get away with it anymore, then got myself together and rode up to the line. My first trip down the track was nerve wracking, but when I got my times, I was fairly ok with it. I'd done better, but I've also done much worse. I managed to delay myself enough to only get a couple more passes in, I needed to take baby steps. Qualifying rounds were next. Lots of classes, I was participating in two. I spent a lot of time waiting in line, sitting in the sun wearing a helmet and leather sweating. Not a good hair day, to say the least. I managed to consistently run average times, and it frustrated me that I couldn't do better. I knew I was capable of a 12.3, but for the life of me I couldn't break 12.5 the whole weekend. The track was slick, and I had trouble with my back tire spinning too much. Sunday is race day. Do or die! I got a few test & tune runs in, still getting 12.5, but my last run was the best, a 12.53 (as opposed to the 12.56, .57, .58 i had done before) So, I set my dial in time for 12.53, my fastest time, figuring I hadn't gone faster than that all weekend, so why not. (For those of you not versed in drag racing, I raced in a division where basically, the rider that comes closest to their fastest time, without going over wins.) Mind you, I'm not all that much in the know yet either!
I got nervous again awaiting my very first REAL race. Another self talk...stay off the porch and run with those big dogs! I lined up, lit the staging lights, and GO! I gave it my best shot, and it felt pretty good through the whole run. I couldn't tell if I beat the other rider or not. Got to the turn off lane, rode to the booth, took my ticket, can't read it until I get to the pit, what torture! I get to the pit and the 'crew' I was with was smiling. I won??? Really? No way! How cool was that. I get to race again! Round two I was less nervous, gave it my best shot. I knew I beat the guy next to me. I broke out (went faster than my set time). Oh well, ya win some, you lose some. My mental win was, I just beat a bike that had a 1 second head start!
All those days of practice boiled down to two 1/4 mile trips down the track.

Now I just need to work on the 'game' aspect of racing. Watch the guy next to you, if you're going faster, pace yourself so you don't break out. It's a gamble, and a strategy kind of sport. I'll get there with experience, 1/4 mile at a time. I made measurable progress. It was a slick track, and I spun that back tire a LOT. I used to freak out and let off the throttle when that happened, and now I'm able to keep on it and ride it out. :)

Post race experience I had some time to reflect. I was amazed at the camaraderie of the racers at the AMRA's. I got a lot of thumbs up and fist bumps from perfect strangers and fellow competitors. I didn't know them, but they made me feel at home. I definitely want to go back! I also reflected on how fortunate I truly am. Not just in material things, but in physical ability, in the people who love me, and the fortunate opportunities. I have some awesome guardian angels up there, and I've witnessed proof of their existence. I had my key velcroed under my seat so the alarm wouldn't go off, and after putting it back up on the trailer, I noticed it had fallen down, and almost fell through the frame. If that had happened during a race it could have had some awful results. In questionable weather forecasts, I've been able to successfully get practice and racing in without weather being a factor. So, for all my blessings, thank you to God, the Universe, and to my wonderful Guardian Angels. I will do my best to keep learning and improving, one 1/4 mile at a time!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Racing Your Own Race




I’m not really sure where this blog post is going to lead, but let’s find out together.



I’m learning how to drag race with my motorcycle. I’ve always been the kind of girl that has seen something the boys are doing and said to myself, I can do that! Or if someone said you can’t do that, it’s just made me more determined to try it. Earlier this summer I visited my first motorcycle drag racing event. I saw some women having a great time and doing well holding their own. The little voice inside my head said ‘If they can do it, so can you!’ And so, the gears began to turn.
I’ve had 2 whole days experience at test and tune at the local drag strip, and several days practicing launching down the back roads in corn country. I’ve always been a chronic over achiever, determined to be good at what I do right from the start. I’m always looking for that nod of approval that indicates I’ve impressed someone. It’s a deep seated need for acceptance and admiration, that I’ve recently attributed to the ‘daddy issues’ many women carry. (I’ve had little contact with my father since my parents’ divorce when I was 6. Dad has his reasons for not staying in touch with me, and because he’s a volatile selfish person, I know I’m far better off, but it leaves a need within me nonetheless.)

I’m blessed enough to have several people that I know and talk to on the net who are experienced in drag racing, and qualified to give plenty of advice. I’m trying to absorb all that I can in as little time as possible. The problem with that is, there is too much of a good thing. Drag racing is something that you can only practice on a track. You can try things on the street, but it isn’t the same environment. The road isn’t sticky like the track, you have more things to be aware of for your safety on the road too. Practice makes perfect, but that’s hard to do when you’re limited. When you go to a test and tune, you’re in line waiting, so you only get so many tries to get it right. This weekend was my 2nd official real track experience. I did pretty well on my first go round. I was fairly pleased with myself. But this time, having had more input, and having someone there with me, helping me become aware of what I’m doing and what I can change, it made me totally conscious of all the elements I needed to work on. It’s great to have that kind of knowledge, but when you have half a second at the lights, and 12 seconds down the strip, all of that information going through your head tends to make things more complicated. Then add to all of that, the brief thought that all the power that you’re about to unleash is dangerous and could result in major disaster if you’re not careful, and it makes for one heck of a nerve wracking experience. So much to focus on, so much to put out of my head!

I did worse on this second attempt at the track, and it really frustrated me. Not terrible, but not better, and I had it fixed in my head that I did well the first try, so it should be nothing but improvement from here, and I expected it. The truth is, I was trying to do it all at once, take it all in, fix it all now, get better fast. I was trying to implement all the advice and knowledge at one time. Then, when things started going wrong, I had no foundation for knowing which thing was the issue with my poor performance. Because I was trying too many changes all at once, I was unable to pinpoint which thing was causing my trouble.

I got to thinking about how this can be applied to life as well. Lots of advice and opinions coming at me from all sorts of directions can be helpful and useable. However, if you try to do it all, and do it all now, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll see improvement, in fact, too often, that can lead to painful screw ups and lessons learned. It's best to focus on one thing at a time. It’s easy to do when you have unlimited time to try it all one thing at a time. But if you’re in a race to the finish line, you tend to be in a hurry to try as much as you can, and sometimes, that doesn’t have the results you were looking for. But, that being said, just because something doesn’t improve, doesn’t mean you should give up and stop trying. Tweak the changes, cut them down to manageable chunks, and be patient and look for improvement. Even the slightest improvement can be motivation to continue. And if you don’t see improvement, don’t give up, and don’t obsess, and by all means, don't compare yourself to anyone else. Analyze what you did, think about how it can be altered, or try something completely different, and watch for changes again. Life, like drag racing, is a learning process. Just because someone else beat you to the finish line, doesn’t mean that they’re better. For all you know, they didn’t do their best either, and they could be trying new things to make changes to get them in the right direction too.
Race your own race!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Introduction to Drag Racing

that's me, in the far lane :)

Well, after years of saying "I'd like to do that" I can add one more thing to the list of what I did the summer I played hookie. I'm trying my hand at drag racing.
I admit, I was scared to death. Not so much afraid of wrecking, or getting hurt, but afraid of looking stupid. That's something I've struggled with all of my life.
I'm a contradiction in terms, I love to turn heads, which you would think meant love to be looked at, right? I do like the "you did WHAT?!?" reaction, or the "Holy crap, that's a GIRL, how cool" look and or point. I get that a lot with my Night Rod Special. No matter where I go, someone at a light or in traffic either gives me a thumbs up, does a double take (one guy almost crashed his truck into a cement pillar because he was watching) or quite often, they stop someone in my group and ask questions about my bike. I love that...but really, I'm not one that likes to be looked at. I love to be impressive is more like it.
I've always had this over critical part of me, obsessing about being perfect. I know that I can't be perfect, and my appearance and my house are testaments to that knowledge, but I do like to be as good as the next guy...or in some cases, better.

So, anyway, a couple months ago, while watching friends race at the AMRA races in Bowling Green KY, after seeing a hand full of girls do well and have fun, I did the "if she can do that, so can I" speech in my head. A couple months later, here I am, learning to drag race.

I was coached on how to launch, and it was so frustrating because I was sure I wasn't doing it right because it wasn't this big dramatic frightening rocket experience. So I had someone else launch my bike for me. Turns out, I just had way too high of an expectation of the fear level on my part. I was doing it...needed to perfect it, but still, I was doing it. I practiced on back roads, but it isn't the same as a sticky drag strip with a light tree. I've gotten a lot of helpful information from several good friends, and I'm trying to keep them all in my head like a computer. Body position, staging, hand position, rpm, and psychological advice, and I'm thankful to all of you who are helping me. (Jase @hellcatcustoms, Brian from Valley Racing, Steve, Eddie, Tracy from Heathens & Hardheads Racing) I want to make you all proud of me.

My first attempt down the strip I was so not ready. Went to the tech, he looked at the bike, was told it was my very first time, so he let me go alone...but RIGHT NOW! I was like wait...no, I wanted to watch a couple people stage! But I wasn't going to be a baby and say something, so I went up there as directed, the good little soldier that I am. I staged too quickly and the light was green, GOOOOOO. I didn't go as fast as I could, I was told to take a slower trial run to get used to the track and the turn offs. I did a 13.5 with a reaction time of 1.009seconds.

My second pass, which is what I consider to be my 1st REAL pass... uh oh! I was against someone...a crotch rocket too! OMG. I staged much slower, inching my way forward, getting ready, got the rpm's up, and GONE, hauled ass to the end. The same happened the next time too. I was up against 140mph 10 second rockets! I managed to get my times in the mid 12's though. 12.34 my best, and my reaction time down to .7
I was having fun, still a little nervous, but getting better each try. It started to get dark, so my last 2 passes were fairly consecutive. The total times weren't better, but I was improving on my 60' times, so that's good. It got dark around then, so I decided to call it a night. It's bad enough to be flying 107mph down a track you don't really know, but when it's getting hard to see, I'll save that for when I'm more experienced.

Here are the stats:
1st real pass: RT - .73 / 60' - 1.873 / 1/4MI - 12.369 @ 100.86MPH
2ND: RT - .6968 / 60' - 1.9051 / 1/4MI - 12.3493 @ 107.87MPH
3RD: RT - .7387 / 60' - 1.9683 / 1/4MI - 12.4952 @ 106.18
4TH: RT - .7230 / 60' - 1.8429 / 1/4MI - 12.4548 @ 106.65MPH

All in all, I was pleased with myself. Not bad for a first timer. I impressed some of the boys I told my times to, that's good for me. My next goal, test and tune one more time, then it's off to Bowling Green KY the last weekend in September, to race in the AMRA finals! I'm aimin' high!!!

I usually try to tie in a life lesson or spiritual message to my blog posts, and this is what I've come up with. I was so nervous, fear of failure and the unknown had me making myself a bundle of nerves. But I had practiced and prepared, and in the end, it paid off. Everyone has to start somewhere, and we were all beginners in the beginning. You have to put your head down and press forward and do your best. If you do that, at the end, you just might impress someone, and yourself too! If you do your best, it will all be ok in the end :)



Btw, if you're interested in that sorta thing...I've separated my poetry to a new blog page, and there happens to be a new entry there as well, the link is at the top of this page.

Monday, August 16, 2010

A blessing and a curse

I scored tickets to a concert the other day. John Mayer is one of my favorite artists. He happens to be a fabulous entertainer. Every musician performs, but they don’t all ENTERTAIN. You can go to a concert and watch a band or a person play their music, and do it well, but they don’t all entertain. A true entertainer will engage the audience, cares about the people in front of them and the ones in the far back, they will take a chance and wander off the path of their usual boring stuff, and take an adventure, inviting their audience to come along. A fabulous journey. John Mayer is such an entertainer. He’s witty, funny, considerate and talented beyond measure. I could watch him play guitar for hours. When he plays, you can see him BECOME the guitar, the guitar becomes him. It’s like the music seeps out of his pores and beams all around him like glowing rays of sunlight. Other people may not like his songs, label them as girly music, or too soft, or too pop, but you really haven’t experienced what a talented musician he is until you’ve seen him play.

As I was sitting in probably the best seats I’ve ever had at a concert, I was far enough in front to be able to turn back and look out at the sea of faces. When the spotlights were out on the crows I could turn around and almost get a feeling for what it must be like being up there with thousands of people smiling and moving to the music. I am talentless, so there is no way I could ever really experience that, of course. But that got me to thinking…yeah, I know, ME think!?!? LOL There was an ocean of people simultaneously happy, enjoying life, savoring moments in that amphitheater that night, all there to see this one person, who is lucky enough to do what he loves, touch people's souls, and get paid a lot of money for it. What a blessing that must be. It is a blessing, but it’s also a curse.

I’ve followed John Mayer on twitter and facebook for some time. I really enjoy reading his posts. While many of his posts are silly, it does give you insight into his mind. He’s a very intelligent person, and silly too. I love that. He thinks of things that are so off the beaten path that you’re like how the HELL did he come up with THAT! He’s also mentioned things about his life that the rest of us probably wouldn’t think of. The price of being an entertainer is you’re on the road all the time. Living out of a suitcase, waking up in different hotels all the time. Aside from playing venues, there’s a lot of travel involved promoting your music, collaborating your creations, etc. and the sleeplessness. As an artist, when you go out there on stage, it’s a high, a rush, a wild ride. When you finish and the audience goes home, you can’t just turn that off, you have to let it wind itself down. And, aside from the other musicians who play with you, you’re all alone in the wee hours of the night, ringing ears and all, just waiting to come down. I can relate to the sleeplessness. Everyone else is comfortably in dreamland, it’s a quiet loneliness. Also a price of fame, your entire life is scrutinized, and it’s next to impossible to find someone who can accept and tolerate the lifestyle, the long distance relationship, the hours, the demands of a musician. Yes, some of them contributed to the demise of their relationships, but think about it, it’s almost a set up for failure from the beginning. Then there’s the lack of privacy, and the complete judgment by the general public. Paparazzi following you, quotes being taken out of context, and everything you say gets dissected and scrutinized. Granted, sometimes they say things they deserved to be called out on, but imagine how awful it must feel to have SO MANY people voicing their opinion of you. And last, but not least, the perks of fame, and the money, has to be an issue when you assess the people around you, to protect yourself from being taken advantage of.

The price of fame is steep, it’s a blessing and a curse. Just about everything in life comes with a price, or a curse, some small and insignificant, some much more serious. Sharing your love for animals and becoming a pet owner comes with the territory of commitment, clean up, and the cost of loving and losing, getting married, having a family limits your freedom and your finances, being a homeowner costs you time and maintenance, having a fantastic career can cost you a family or a delay in family. If all we did was think about the price of what we want out of life, we would never reach out for anything that we wanted. It’s what you do with the price, or how you allow the ‘curse’ to affect you that can increase or decrease the value of the blessing. Focus on the positive, don’t allow the downside that comes with that positive to pull you down, if the blessing you experienced was worth the effort, you can handle the downside. Eyes on the prize, and summon your inner strength to pull you through the rough stuff, and believe you are worthy of the blessing, have FAITH in yourself and the powers that be.


For you JM fans out there, here's a link to the pictures
PHOTOS

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Turbulece of Change & The Calm Before the Storm

I've just gotten home from a trip to Kansas City and Hannibal Mo. Normally the optimum choice for a long road trip like this would be to ride the longest leg or all the way to the destination on the first day while fresh, and break up the ride home into two days. But, due to weather, this ride was the exact opposite. It was a long 630 miles home, to say the least. Lots of time in the saddle to think about this blog post. But, actually, the title of the blog hit me in the first 50 miles, and the rest of it just fell into place as the trip unfolded.

While on the wide open highway I encountered so many Semi trailers, and experienced the turbulence associated with riding near them. I'd brace myself in anticipation of the wind that would throw me around, hold on tight and ride the storm until I got to clear air again. But I had to ride it out over and over again if I wanted to get where I was going. What a metaphor for life! Blissfully cruising along in a comfort zone, then something comes along to shake things up, and you have to hold on tight until it's over.

Change happens to everyone. Change always happens. There's change everywhere you look if you pay attention. Day changes to night, children change to adults, friendships come and go, businesses thrive and fail, births and deaths, even the earth is ever changing.

My first realizations of change on this road trip came when I was checking out the Rockcliffe Mansion. Built between 1898 and 1900, the owners paid 100 carpenters $1 a day plus meals for 2 years. The house was built on the hill to overlook the Mississippi River. Now, from the front porch the view is obstructed by many buildings constructed over the years. You can't really see the river at all. Secondly, while riding the riverboat touring the river and hearing stories and facts, I found myself thinking about how the banks of this river must have changed over the past 100 years, and how many buildings have been flooded away, and how they must have had to learn the hard way what was a safe distance to build. Mark Twain (Samuel Clements) grew up in Hannibal, Mo. where he, like most other boys dreamed of becoming a riverboat pilot. He lived his dream and traveled up & down the river for 4 years, 2 as an apprentice, and 2 as a pilot. During the war, Riverboats were being shot at, and not liking that experience, he quit. Eventually he would become famous for writing The Adventures of Tom Sawyer & Huckleberry Fin. A change for the better.

On the obligatory trip to the Harley Dealer after crossing the Kansas border, more change was encountered. The dealership had recently been purchased by an owner from Arizona. Racks of clothes that bear the name of the old dealer on clearance, I loved it! Change for the better, and good deals!

Next up, Harley Davidson's Powertrain Operations Facility tour. First off, you watch a movie on the history of Harley Davidson. In 1969 Harley Davidson merged with AMF, and then in 1981 13 executives bought the company back. However, by 1987 the company was only hours away from bankruptcy, and in 1988 Harley Davidson was the most purchased motorcycle, with over 1000 dealerships. Change from one extreme to the other. Also changing, Harley comes up with the liquid cooled Revolution engine. There are many naysayers out there that frown upon the V-rod, but the changes allow it to have the most horsepower. At first, I didn't care for the new V-rods, the ugly silver & how tall they were...but then they came out with the black beauty Night Rod Special, and I changed my mind!

So, the common thread here is things can be quiet for a long time, and make sure you enjoy it. Change will happen, there is no avoiding it. Most of the time, though, eventually the changes lead to something better. And just like an overflowing river, or a failing company or personal hardship, if you hold on tight and ride the storm, you should come out the other side better for it.

In many ways, right now in my life, this seems like the calm before the storm. I'm sitting idle, listening and watching for signs of what to do next. That just might lead to a lot of change, hopefully for the better. But that doesn't necessarily mean that it will happen without turbulence. I might have to hold on tight for a while in order to get to where I really want to be, but it will be for the better.


p.s.
If you're interested in the dreaded vacation photos of my ride to Kansas, Missouri & Illinois, the pictures can be found here :
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2052136&id=1271155693


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Just relax

I'm now two months into the enjoy life project. Every day I try to find something that makes me feel good or happy, no matter how little or 'insignificant' it may be. So far I've taken inventory of the smells of flowers, the color of farm fields and trees, storm clouds, freshly paved and curvy roads, the joy my dogs bring me, the taste of Rocky Road ice cream, all the little things that go by unnoticed on a normal day. I don't know if it's a result of paying attention and filling myself with happy moments, or if it's just the fact that I'm away from an extremely stressful job and free to do whatever I want whenever I want, but I feel lighter, happier. I still have major problems, don't get me wrong, but I do feel that because I'm taking note of the good stuff, I feel better, and better things are happening. So I'm looking forward to the snowball effect of joy, and eager to find out what's next. Which brings me to the subject of this blog entry.

I've touched on this subject before, so it may be a little redundant, but my recent road trip has again caused me to be conscious of being present. This time I realized that I have this habit of leaning in forward motion. It's a physical and mental manifestation that I must get to the next point, and I must do everything in a timely manner. I'm always in some degree of hurry!

While riding from Home to Sharon, Pa (410 miles) I didn't see it. It was leave early, get there before dark, no problem, the usual plan. The next day, the plan was to ride to DuBois Harley in DuBois Pa. then go straight north through New York state to hit Lake Erie and ride the shoreline as far as possible, stopping in Cleveland OH. to stay over and visit the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, then ride the rest of the way home. All in all it was 1200 miles in 3 days. On the second day, after visiting the the Harley dealer, on the way to the lake, I kept feeling myself mentally, and physically leaning forward in a hurry. I thought to myself...why? There are no set plans, the trip is about enjoying the lake and the view, so stop that! I'd stop for a little while, then find myself in that tensed up hurried state again. Several times I had to make a concentrated effort to stop doing that. I had no deadline to meet, just to get to Cleveland to stay over at no specific time. So why on earth was I always feeling like I HAD to get there and I had to do it NOW? I've been like that my whole life. I need to STOP THAT. Pay attention to what is now, just relax, dammit and enjoy the good stuff while you can. All this time of ignoring that, now it's such a habit, it's an involuntary reflex. That is going to be a hard one to break!

So, here are a few observations and thoughts, the highlights of the road trip:
Travel through Pa & Ny was very hilly and mountainous. Not as steep as the mountains on the way to Grand Canyon, mind you, but still steep. I found myself in what I call a "Big Dog Moment" It's that moment where you realize that if you're going to run with the big dogs you gotta get off the porch! I was riding the highway and there were semi trucks everywhere. Fine, I've dealt with them before. I never ride along side a semi (advice from a truck driver..never, not even with your car) I catch up, hang for a minute, then throttle it past. But, add steep downgrades and twisty roads to the mix. Eh, not so bad, doable, right? Then put all that together with grated road construction, going 75mph! Tension indeed. Another 'graduation' for me. Been there, done that, don't care to find myself in that position again! I'm sure I will though, and I'll have the confidence that it can be done. I spent about 4o miles behind a dump truck full of dirt. That was painful. Free microdermabrasion, I figure I must look a few years younger now!

The Allegheny National Forest was really pretty to ride through. I've never seen so many trees in my life it's SO GREEN over there. As a person who has lived their entire life in the Plains, I find that I marvel at non flat ground and winding roads. Everything here is a grid, North South, East West, easy navigation, no confusion. Riding through mountains...not so much! It was beautiful, I tried the best I could to take pictures, but riding those roads did not allow for much picture taking! (Kids, don't try this at home) I tied the camera around my neck, and stuffed it down my shirt when I wasn't snapping. A great use of cleavage, sometimes it's good to be a girl! So I indiscriminately snapped away when I felt safe enough to take my left hand off the grip.

Here's an interesting note. So, I spent a lot of time making myself not be in a hurry, but then it started to get late, and I had to hurry to get to the hotel, because it was clouding up...and get this...lightning. For those of you who haven't followed my blog, my Mom loved lightning. The morning after she passed it stormed like crazy. I said that must be Mom up there saying do that again! Back in Feb I took some of her ashes to Arizona to hike my favorite mountain, scattered some ashes into the wind at the top of the trail. The next night...it stormed like crazy in the desert! So, I took a road trip to Memphis, cuz Mom LOVED Elvis. Decided at the last minute to take some ashes. While I was retrieving them I said, hey Mom, no storms this time, ok? Storms on a bike are not cool. If you must, lightning is fine...but no rain, ok? Well, rolling into Memphis as it was getting dark, first heat lightning, then bolts across the sky. It misted for 2 minutes, just enough to get a few spots on my tank, and then nothing else. Lightning, no rain. Coinkydink?
Anyway...on this trip I did not take ashes with me. I'm done with the spiritual travels. So the lightning must have been random, right? Well, it got chilly, I put my jacket on, reached into my pocket and in it was a little stone from Superstition Mountain that I had picked up on my way down from my hike. I had forgotten I had put it in my jacket because I was going to bring it back in the house. I thought I had lost it. I asked the heavens, please don't let it rain until after I'm safely in the hotel room. I got there, checked in, went across the street to eat a very late dinner, and when I walked out the door, it had rained and stopped! Anyway, read into it what you will, but I find it fascinating.

The visit to The Rock n Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland OH was really nice. You could spend 3 hours there taking in the movies and video exhibits there. I did not, however, as that was the same day I was riding the rest of the way home. I loved the exhibits of clothing and instruments, I found it fascinating that these musicians who were bigger than life in my mind, were actually very small in stature, or very skinny by looking at their clothes. But I was mostly moved by the articles from those gifted artists who were gone, taken from us all too soon. As I approached them, I got goosebumps. I loved reading the writings of the musicians, the lyrics in the making of songs I knew and loved, right there in their own handwriting. There was a display of Jim Morrison, the receipt of his plot in Pere La Chaise cemetery in France, lyrics from Crawling King Snake, a hand made Mother's Day card and a short note he had made in school when he was just a child. It said something like I can't tell you how much I appreciate all you do for me and I love you. So sweet. I was not a big Doors fan, but after finding things out about Jim Morrison, and watching the movie of course, I was infatuated with what a deep thinking and complicated person he was. Another gift of genius lost to us far too soon. I got the same chills at John Lennon's piano, Janis Joplin's scarves and a fringed white leather vest, Michael Jackson's Thriller jacket, Jimmy Hendrix's couch with the cigarette (maybe lol) burn in it, and his fantastic cape. Not so much on the Elvis stuff, because I had just been to Graceland not that long ago. But I still felt the profound feeling of loss when looking at the articles of those who are no longer with us. A "what a shame" sadness.

There was this kick ass Pink Floyd The Wall display there too. Out in the middle of the escalators to the building. You were not allowed to take pictures in there. But of course I'm a rebel, and I snapped a couple of the wall. This wall (pictures in the link at the bottom of this blog) was huge, had a big blow up character in limbo from the ceiling, the armchair with the televison, the Hammer Flags, from the movie The Wall.

It read:
"In the old days, pre Dark Side of the moon, Pink Floyd played to audiences, which, by virtue of their size, allowed an intimacy of connection that was magical. However, success overtook us and by 1977 we were playing in football stadiums...the magic crushed beneath the weight of the numbers we were becoming addicted to the trappings of popularity
I found myself increasingly alienated in that atmosphere of avarice (insatiable greed for riches) and ego, until one night, in the Olympic Stadium in Montreal, the boil of my frustrations burst. Some crazed teenage fan was clawing his way up the storm netting that separated us from the human cattle pen in front of the stage, screaming his devotion to the 'demi-gods' beyond his reach. Incensed by his misunderstanding and my own connivance I spat my frustration in his face. Later that night, back at the hotel, shocked with my behavior, I was faced with a choice. To deny my addiction and embrace that 'comfortably numb', but 'magicless existence', or accept the burden of insight, take the road less traveled, and embark on the often painful journey to discover who I was and where I fit. The Wall was the picture I drew for myself to help me make that choice." Roger Waters, Summer, 1995
I sat down in awe and amazement, not just at the display, but at the profoundness of his words. WOW, I just had to sit a while and take it in.

After that, the ride home was very scenic. Traveled as much of Lake Erie Lake shore as I could, lots of HUGE houses that backed up to the lake. You couldn't see much of the lake itself, but the houses were fantastic. Stopped over at Cedar Point (huge amusement park out on a large peninsula) to snap a pic or two of the lake, and again at a parking lot to see the amusement park in the distance, and then the rest of the way home was praying not to intercept the looming storm. That didn't work, but luckily the wind whipped it past quickly, and after hiding under an overpass, it was throttle down the rest of the way home.

For 150 miles I got to watch the sun set. A spectacular display of a kaleidoscope of pastel colors ever changing as time went by. The sun with it's giant beams of light piercing through the clouds. It reminded me of a thousand spot lights shining all around the cloud creating a halo of beams. Whenever I can actually see the rays of the sun, it reminds me of a Rush song that I used to like..."The shifting shafts of shining weave the fabric of their dreams" A large cloud covering most of the sun, rays peeking out upward and down. Above the sun, pastel oranges like dreamcicles, and gold, below shades of pastel lilac and baby blues. As the sun moved slightly over time, so did the colors. It was really beautiful. I could have stopped and watched it for hours. God, The Universe, Mother Earth, and Life, indeed a spectacular sight to behold, and I am blessed to have the ability to bear witness.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2050283&id=1271155693 1200 miles in 3 days pictures

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Meant To Be

I haven't blogged in some time now, aside from the loss of a friend, I haven't really felt anything powerful enough to compell me to write. So, instead of leaving my blog idle, I decided to post another piece of poetry written some time ago.


Meant To Be

There is a love that’s unlike any other
Love never before felt with another
It’s urgent and tender, spontaneous and deliberate
It’s crazy and normal, it’s forbidden and desperate
These feelings run deep
The heart never sleeps
Deep in my heart, a part of my soul
It consumes all I am, it’s all that I know
It was meant to be
I heard the universe tell me
At first it just whispered
I tried to ignore it, But it wouldn’t let me
It screamed louder, “in time you will see”
I chased it away, because I was scared
To love with all I am, only to lose is not fair
But universe brought me back, this time stronger
Sweet destiny come quickly, I can’t wait any longer