Dear Mom, Revisited

Below are excerpts of a letter to my Mother from a prior blog post. My Mom loved the fall, so everything now reminds me of her. She loved the fall, and loved to go out looking at the leaves, so every day in October reminds me of her.
I'm revisiting my letter today, which would have been my Mom's 68th birthday, and my thoughts are heavily with her.

Dear Mom
I miss you so much there aren't words enough to say.
You were my hero and I didn't even know it. You were strong enough to leave an abusive relationship, not for yourself, but for me. You saved yourself because of your maternal need to save your child from harm. You were the original Working Single Mother. I am a Mother, and I cannot imagine the feelings and fears you must have had, worrying about bills and raising a child, all the while working downtown Chicago, making it on your own. I don't remember wanting for anything during those early difficult times, so you must have sacrificed so much for my happiness' sake. And for that I am eternally grateful. Single working Mothers were few and far between back in 1974, you were a trail blazer. You never remarried, and, as far as I know, never had another relationship after the divorce, so I can't even begin to fathom the loneliness you must have felt for those 30+ years. But I feel lonely and lost without you now, so I can imagine to a degree.

The world isn't the same without you. When I had to admit you to the nursing home, I almost had a mental breakdown right there in the hallway. Going there to have luncheons with you on Mother's Day and holidays, I thought I was sad then, and now I catch myself wishing for those 'sad' days.

I am sad, however it is a more profound feeling than just sad. It's a deep gaping hole in my heart...no, it's in my soul. There isn't much to our little family. Your brother who makes an appearance every couple of years, and your sister who tries to remember to call and check on me here and there, but has her own life with her new husband and new family. And of course, my Son, your Grandson...well, I hope that one day he comes around and decides he understands what he's doing and starts respecting himself and those around him. Maybe one day he'll come around and love his Mother again. I am truly sorry if I ever made you feel even a fraction of the disappointment or unhappiness that I have found myself feeling as a Mother. Aside from having a few friends you didn't approve of, and a snide remark here and there though, I think we were ok, right?

You've been gone 4 years now, and it still hurts like yesterday, I'm just better at stuffing it in than I was before. I still feel like I'm 5 years old and lost in the mall again. Only now, I know that there isn't anyone out there that can come save me. Right after you passed, my first words were, "Now what am I supposed to do." I meant about the whole nursing home, belongings, funeral, arrangements, etc...but also the who am I without you part too.

A Dad who only loves himself, both Grandparents deceased, and no Mother....
Having your family leave one by one, feels like they are threads connecting you, holding you down to the earth, and each time one dies, a thread gets cut. Mom, when I lost you it felt like the last single thread holding me down to existence was cut, and I found myself floating aimlessly in space, unsure now where I belong, and unable to go back to where I came from, and no one to reach out to show me the way.

I miss you....MISS...it's a insignificant little word...until now. Now I know better.

As years go by, I'm more capable of compartmentalizing and distracting my feelings, they are, and always will be there. I do my best when 'historical' dates come around to distract or do something that will make me 'happy'. But you and how much I miss you will never be off my mind.

I loved you, even when I didn't show it enough.
I needed you, even when I pushed you away.
And I miss you, and will miss you even when it's been too many years to count
Love,
Your Only Child

*note to my blog readers*
I share this letter with you, not only to share the thoughts in my head, but to remind you all to Love, Honor and Cherish your Mother, no matter what your circumstances with her are. Because when she is gone, it's all gone. You'll have a question about the family past, or some silly thing way before your time, and your first instinct will be I need to ask...and then..it will hit you:
there isn't anyone left to answer that....that tidbit of trivia that you just pondered will never be answered, it's gone now. GONE

It's been years now, and that sort of thing still happens to me all the time.
The missing part....it is forever missing....your soul is missing a piece, and you will not get it back until you are reunited in the afterlife. Don't wait until then, to enjoy and savor what you have here and now while you still can