Upon us all a little rain must fall

I have been doing fairly well over the past few months focusing on my 'enjoy life project' and looking for the positive in everything. I am, by nature, a summer kind of person, and when it comes to an end, I tend to get a little down. But, the month of October in particular has even more of a profound effect on me than just disappointment that summer is over. I've posted about it in full detail on my blog before: my first ever blog post So Now What: http://myheartsinarizona.blogspot.com/2009/10/everybodys-bloggingso-what-hell.html

I will try to provide a brief explanation for those of you who aren't familiar.
Four years ago life as I knew it began to fall apart. Aside from having to put 2 of my beloved animals to sleep due to separate health problems, my Mom, who was barely 64 and in a nursing home for the past few years became incapable physically doing much of anything for herself, became sick and begged me to let her die. The illness was a simple urinary tract infection which was rectified with iv antibiotics, but she was placed in restraints because she kept fidgeting the iv tubing out. She grabbed my arm and said "I love you, I love you, I don't want to live like this"
So, the next time she got an infection, I had to tell them to let her be. It was what she wanted. As if that wasn't bad enough, two months later, the job that I identified myself with sold, and the new owner was unbearable, and within weeks everyone quit. One would think that was enough too, but of course, there's more. A few months after that, I was betrayed by the very people that were closest to me, and I had to write them out of my life. And my relationship with my Son became extremely strained and volatile at the same time. Whew, a lot on my plate.

I try not to let all of this 'stuff' define me, I know I am much more than the adversity that I have faced, and that others have faced so much more than I. I do my best to focus on something else as much as I can. It's just this time of year that, in spite of my efforts to stay occupied by other things, it always creeps up on me at some point. October 3rd is the day my Mom passed away, and the 22nd is her birthday. She loved the fall and the changing leaves and cool temperatures.
So this time of year she is always on my mind.

I've come to realize that the pain will always hurt as if it was yesterday, but with time it gets less frequent, and that I should start celebrating all that my Mom loved, and not focus on all the loss that I feel. But, without a Mother, a child feels lost. I have my dark and stormy days, and I'm fully aware that I should not allow it to consume me. I'm doing the best that I can to occupy myself, but it still manages to creep up on me. Riding season is all but over, so the regular 2 wheel therapy ride to blow out the cobwebs of my mind is sporadic, weather permitting.

I need to revel in all that she loved, and find comfort in the fact that she is watching over and protecting me from above. I know she wants me to be safe and happy. I may have lost her in my physical world, but I have gained the best Guardian Angel one could ever ask for. I've seen the proof several times over.

Today was a tough day for me, I found myself easily aggitated and unhappy. The weather was horrible. Cold, windy, raw and rainy. On my travels for a little retail therapy, the sky was ugly in every direction I could look. I came out of the store in the driving rain to see the sun shining brightly from one space between the clouds. The western part of the sky began to break and the light was blinding. Ominous ugly black clouds in 3 directions, and sunlight from the west turned into a beautiful double WHOLE rainbow. You don't get to see full rainbows all that often. The sky around it was dark and depressing, but the brilliantly cheerful colors sliced through dark clouds in an arc, and seemed to glow with beaming light. I looked in awe as if I had never seen one before. I found myself interested in the exact circumstances that brought this piece of beauty to be. I know I've learned about this phenomenon in school as a child, but I couldn't help but be amazed. A little miracle in the sky. A gift from above.

My conclusion, that no matter how gloomy a situation is presenting itself around you, no matter how depressing and ugly it may seem in every direction, this too, shall pass. There will be a break in the clouds, an illumination of light, and if you're lucky, you will find colorful joy. Look for it, find it, and savor it.