everybody's blogging...so what the hell

So now what....?

I have been lucky enough to find some really great twitter friends, and many of them blog. So, I thought, if I'm good at anything, it's carrying on...and on...and on, so what the hell!
I've written a little poetry here and there, and I can write a novel for an email....anything that I have a passion for ends up being my soapbox. So I may as well start somewhere.

Riding weather is coming to a close all too quickly here in the Midwest. The leaves are changing, the winds are starting to howl. It's time to change to the flannel sheets, close the pool, rake the leaves, and batten down the hatches for the long winter's nap that is inevitably on it's way.
I dread the fall. It's aesthetically beautiful, and most welcome the relief from the heat and humidity of summer. But not me. Although the colors here are quite striking, they are just as striking a reminder to me that all things are dying, and soon all will be paralyzed in the dead of a long cold desolate winter. This is the fall leading into the winter of my discontent.

I have always been a summer person, more so as I get older. I used to like the fall, and revel in the beauty of the colors all around. But all that has changed in my past few years of life.
After a lengthy stay in a nursing home, my Mother, at the age of 64 passed away. It was a preventable death, she got an upper respiratory infection that could've been treated, as it had been with IV antibiotics and hospitalization in the past. Only, because of her delcine in ability to care for herself due to very bad arthritis and diabetes, and her complete lack of Independence over the last couple of years, she begged me to let her die. Unable to bathe herself, dress herself, go to the bathroom with dignity, and after trying to get her to agree to all the therapy the nursing home could offer, I put myself in her place, and made myself understand. The last time she was in the hospital and septic from an infection, hooked up to iv's that she kept trying to pull out, then placed in restraints and having to be fed..one day, when I let her out of the wrist restraints to eat, she grabbed my wrist, said I love you, I love you, I don't want to live like this. And I understood. When she was moved back into the nursing home, the next time she got sick and they wanted to move her to the ER again, I told them no when they called in the middle of the night. I had to make her hospice, and it was only a matter of a couple months, and she got another virus and it was a fast slide downhill.
I am an only child....I have an only child. I have no father, he is out there somewhere, an abusive alcoholic that has had no interest in me to even pay child support when i was young, nor visit his grandson more than the two times he saw him 20 years ago. I was an only child, in a small family, burying my Mother, with one Aunt and one Uncle at my side (who live so far away, I only see maybe once a year or less).
Mom passed on October 3rd...buried her October 7th, got insanely drunk off Cuervo and Coronas with no food in my stomach and lots of pain pills in me to numb myself. (Yes, I have been known to have a wicked self destructive streak at times). October is a lousy month.
Mom's birthday is coming...October 22nd. I hate October...and then the Holidays are not much better. This is my 3rd time through October without her. I feel like she was the last thread holding me to the universe...and when she was gone, that thread was cut, and I'm drifting all alone. My son, who hates me (another blog for another time) is all I have of true blood family...and then there are my closest friends. I know they are invaluable to me, and I don't wish to devalue them in any way. But they are not family.

I know many of you out there have lost loved ones, and it is ALL hard. My friend calls it the 'club' that she doesn't want to be a member of, because so many of her friends are. An only child, with an only child...with a tiny family...there isn't anyone left. The loss of a parent is devastating...it leaves you wondering where do you belong, who are you now...what happens next....My first words after her last breath when I walked out of her room were "Now what am I supposed to do?" I'm still looking for the answer.
Until then I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, making every day string into the next, a week, a month, a year, three years. It gets easier for a while, then bam, it rocks my world all over again.
Like when my Aunt's birthday comes round and I can never remember if it's Sept, 21'st or 23rd..and i think i have to ask Mom again. Then I remember I'm on my own on that one now...and on everything else.
On my own....we all are eventually....
I hate October, starting at the end of September, because all is dying...riding season...pool season....warm weather....
I'm doin my best to make one day go by so I can get rid of yet another one, waiting for it to get easier.
So now what am I supposed to do...?

(Interesting footnote: I was looking at the original date on this and noticed that it was exactly the date 3 years ago when i was puking a lung up over the railing of my front porch from drinking enough to knock out a small elephant the day after my Mom's funeral. Life lesson: Never tell your friends that you're on a mission to be numb...they will gladly help you out!)