I am...am I?

What/who am I? I am 42 years old, I am female, I am alive. The rest...still undecided or unwritten?
I am a Mother...but my son is an adult now, so there's a big transition in my identity. I've always struggled with "who am I?" Everyone does, I'm sure. When I was in school, I always tried to morph myself into whoever I was hanging out with. But even then, I was in all honors classes with the 'socialites' and bookworms, but I hung around with all the partying kids, but was a 'lightweight'. (Have since gotten over that lol). And I was also very good at convincing myself I was in love with whoever showed interest in me, because I either didn't want to be alone, or because it was friend of my friend's boyfriend at the time. That got me in a lot of trouble. And left me to always wonder, am I doing this because it's real, or because I've convinced myself it's real. That has turned out to haunt me my whole life.

I am a Veterinary Assistant, and for a while, I let that define who I am, and hung around with the people I worked with. We were always together, inseparable. Then the clinic sold, the new owner was a bastard, we all quit, and our old boss opened a new clinic. Then I was betrayed by my 'friends', leaving me to learn the lesson don't let your job define who you are. And don't really get too close with your coworkers. That was the same year, by the way, that I had to put down my 16 year old cat to old age, and my 7 year old rescued Husky due to cancer, AND to add insult to injury, I lost my Mom, and my Son started really acting out badly. In one fell swoop of a few months, I lost a cat, a dog, a Mom, a job, all my friends, and my Son as I knew him. Devastated doesn't even explain it. To this day, I have not put up my Christmas tree, and this will be the 4th Christmas. Too much pain, too many reminders of what isn't anymore. That period in my life taught me, never ever trust anyone implicitly...NEVER.

I am a perfectionist, and extremely hard on myself. However, I tend to be pretty lazy. I am impulsive, but so well thought that it keeps me awake at night. I am passionate, but sooo self conscious. I've been told I exude confidence, but on the inside, i'm really insecure and always mindful of what others think. I am brave, but I'm a chicken shit. I am generous, but I am distrustful. I am faithful, but I wonder why things happen that don't seem fair. I am smart, but I've never gone to college. I have a wicked wit sometimes, but I really can be a dumb blonde regardless of my haircolor at any given time! I feel young, I think young, but my body isn't what it used to be. Screws in both my knees from acl replacements have grounded me, and remind me daily of what I cannot do anymore. I am a biker chick..but I've only been riding a couple years, and, to be honest, my Night Rod Special scares the crap outa me. (I've heard and seen a lot of people sell that bike because it's 'too fast'. I should probably have my head examined! I am a little nuts, but mostly sane. I'm very rational when it comes to helping people out of their heads and their problems, but my life is often a mess. I am a loyal and devoted friend who would defend my friends to the bitter end. But I've been burned by so called friends, so I am really reserved when it comes to letting anyone in. I am a hopeless romantic...but I am jaded and in disbelief.

So, I know more who I am not's more than who am I's. I am a compilation of my life experiences, and too many of them have been bad. I know, stay positive, focus on the good... I am thankful for plenty, honestly I am. It's really hard sometimes to stay in that mindset.
I am an ever elvolving unwritten story with so many twists and turns it makes me dizzy! (No dizzy blonde comments, please! lol)

So, the question still remains....who AM i? Will I ever really know?