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Saturday, October 23, 2010

Daddy's Little Girls

It's a crappy rain day, and I'm sitting here feeling lonely and without ambition. Even my dogs went right back to bed after breakfast. So I'm sitting here at my computer, and that lead me to this:

A conversation was sparked today from a picture a friend posted of his daughter on Facebook. He called her his princess.
I told him that every little girl deserves a devoted Dad, to feel she’s the center of his world and would give her anything, to teach her what she should look for in a man to love. Without that, a girl will spend her whole life finding out the hard way. I speak of experience on that one, and I’m not alone.

My parents bitterly divorced when I was just starting first grade. I remember very little of that period in our lives. I know that my Mom ‘ran away’ in the middle of the night with just the clothes on our backs, and there are few pictures or mementos of our lives until after that point. I was 7 years old when that happened. I do remember seeing him a couple of weekends, and feeling like I was unwelcome in what used to be MY house. He was physically abusive to my Mom, and she only left him because she was afraid he would do it to me. I remember feeling paralyzed against a wall watching him in a drunken rage, punching holes through a tile wall, breaking up the furniture and throwing it out the back door. My Mom even said he took a 2x4 and broke my Great Dane’s leg. My other memories of him were getting arrested at a carnival because he wouldn’t throw away his beer, us leaving a nice restaurant, making a scene because the service wasn’t fast enough, and being arrested at our 4th of July barbecue for selling fireworks. The last memory I had of him was after the divorce, when he took me Christmas shopping and told me to buy anything I wanted. I had a field day with that. But, when I got home, at the tender age of 7, I saw the disappointment in my Mom’s eyes as I showed her the very things she had bought me for gifts. I felt so bad I told her, “It’s ok Mom, I can play with two Barbie airplanes.” Later in life, I realized he did that, not to make me happy, but to hurt my Mother.
I looked him up when I was in high school. I found out really quickly that for him to be the ‘giving devoted Dad’ that every girl wants, I needed to have an audience. I saw him a few times, and when I brought someone with me, he showed off and acted like the generous, devoted Dad that I wanted him to be. I saw him a few times, he gave me a few bucks, and we had a few dinners.
I married at the age of 20, had my Son a year later, he saw him once when he was 6 months old. Prior to that he berated me for getting pregnant with no insurance. I stopped reaching out to him, and I never heard from him again.
As I’ve mentioned, October is a horrible month for me, having lost my Mother. I get lonely, having a tiny, disappearing family. In my weak moments, I’ve allowed myself to write to my Dad twice. First, about a year after my Mom passed, and just this past month or so. I’m not surprised I haven’t heard from him, and only half disappointed, as I know that having him in my life is only going to lead to more hurt feelings. Better off without him, I know this.

But still, when I see a woman who’s Dad has always given her everything , dancing at her wedding, I tell myself I’m stronger for my experiences, but the bitterness and envy is in the background. I’m happy for them, and very sad for me.

So, for all you Dads out there listen up:
Always show them and tell them how much you love them, and how proud you are of them. Tell them they can do and be anything that they want to be. Make them aware of the truth that they are worth having a man who will treat them like gold and do anything for them, and they should not tolerate any less. Girls can always subject themselves to less than desirable treatment at the hands of men in the name of love, but the ones that have no example will believe they don’t deserve and better, or that there isn’t anything better out there. There is a very popular John Mayer song, “Fathers be good to your daughters, for daughters will love like you do.” And it is the truth. Daddy issues can leave a girl so desperate for love and approval that she will subject herself to ANYTHING just to find it.

A devoted Daddy can foster the greatest confidence and pride, a strong sense of self and security, and the understanding that they can reach for the stars, and if they fall, someone will always be there to catch them. That could be the difference that causes her to strive for the very best in life, not being afraid to try, for fear of failure or humiliation. The difference between happiness, and misery is in your hands. Give them the knowledge of how they should be respected and loved, and the tools of confidence to accept nothing less, and the courage to leave no stone unturned.
She will be a different woman, and have a totally different life if you do. The best life possible is a gift that lies in your hands.
And to the fathers of boys: Teach them well, for they learn how to treat a woman from YOU.

And for those of us 'little girls' out there who are lacking in the above...YOU are wonderful, fabulous, and STRONG...just because you didn't have someone there to tell you this your whole life, only makes you stronger. You DESERVE everything your heart desires, and don't let ANYONE convince you otherwise, especially not yourself.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Dear Mom, Revisited

Below are excerpts of a letter to my Mother from a prior blog post. My Mom loved the fall, so everything now reminds me of her. She loved the fall, and loved to go out looking at the leaves, so every day in October reminds me of her.
I'm revisiting my letter today, which would have been my Mom's 68th birthday, and my thoughts are heavily with her.

Dear Mom
I miss you so much there aren't words enough to say.
You were my hero and I didn't even know it. You were strong enough to leave an abusive relationship, not for yourself, but for me. You saved yourself because of your maternal need to save your child from harm. You were the original Working Single Mother. I am a Mother, and I cannot imagine the feelings and fears you must have had, worrying about bills and raising a child, all the while working downtown Chicago, making it on your own. I don't remember wanting for anything during those early difficult times, so you must have sacrificed so much for my happiness' sake. And for that I am eternally grateful. Single working Mothers were few and far between back in 1974, you were a trail blazer. You never remarried, and, as far as I know, never had another relationship after the divorce, so I can't even begin to fathom the loneliness you must have felt for those 30+ years. But I feel lonely and lost without you now, so I can imagine to a degree.

The world isn't the same without you. When I had to admit you to the nursing home, I almost had a mental breakdown right there in the hallway. Going there to have luncheons with you on Mother's Day and holidays, I thought I was sad then, and now I catch myself wishing for those 'sad' days.

I am sad, however it is a more profound feeling than just sad. It's a deep gaping hole in my heart...no, it's in my soul. There isn't much to our little family. Your brother who makes an appearance every couple of years, and your sister who tries to remember to call and check on me here and there, but has her own life with her new husband and new family. And of course, my Son, your Grandson...well, I hope that one day he comes around and decides he understands what he's doing and starts respecting himself and those around him. Maybe one day he'll come around and love his Mother again. I am truly sorry if I ever made you feel even a fraction of the disappointment or unhappiness that I have found myself feeling as a Mother. Aside from having a few friends you didn't approve of, and a snide remark here and there though, I think we were ok, right?

You've been gone 4 years now, and it still hurts like yesterday, I'm just better at stuffing it in than I was before. I still feel like I'm 5 years old and lost in the mall again. Only now, I know that there isn't anyone out there that can come save me. Right after you passed, my first words were, "Now what am I supposed to do." I meant about the whole nursing home, belongings, funeral, arrangements, etc...but also the who am I without you part too.

A Dad who only loves himself, both Grandparents deceased, and no Mother....
Having your family leave one by one, feels like they are threads connecting you, holding you down to the earth, and each time one dies, a thread gets cut. Mom, when I lost you it felt like the last single thread holding me down to existence was cut, and I found myself floating aimlessly in space, unsure now where I belong, and unable to go back to where I came from, and no one to reach out to show me the way.

I miss you....MISS...it's a insignificant little word...until now. Now I know better.

As years go by, I'm more capable of compartmentalizing and distracting my feelings, they are, and always will be there. I do my best when 'historical' dates come around to distract or do something that will make me 'happy'. But you and how much I miss you will never be off my mind.

I loved you, even when I didn't show it enough.
I needed you, even when I pushed you away.
And I miss you, and will miss you even when it's been too many years to count
Love,
Your Only Child

*note to my blog readers*
I share this letter with you, not only to share the thoughts in my head, but to remind you all to Love, Honor and Cherish your Mother, no matter what your circumstances with her are. Because when she is gone, it's all gone. You'll have a question about the family past, or some silly thing way before your time, and your first instinct will be I need to ask...and then..it will hit you:
there isn't anyone left to answer that....that tidbit of trivia that you just pondered will never be answered, it's gone now. GONE

It's been years now, and that sort of thing still happens to me all the time.
The missing part....it is forever missing....your soul is missing a piece, and you will not get it back until you are reunited in the afterlife. Don't wait until then, to enjoy and savor what you have here and now while you still can

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Daunting Tasks, Amazing Results










Lately I've been making a half hearted attempt at meditation. I'm intrigued at the thought of being still and becoming closer to the vibrations of the universe. I have difficulty with sitting still and not thinking, it's a daunting task for me. It's hard to focus on universal vibrations when I'm focusing on focusing!

The weather this week has been a glorious gift. By now it should be in the 50's for an average. It's been sunny and 70's for days. I'm loving it! I've been stuck in the house the past couple days, there's been a mad gunman at large. I live in Northwest Indiana, and apparently a guy has been indiscriminantly shooting people, and was last seen in my town, not that far from my house. He's killed one, and injured 3, one of them shot in the head in critical condition. It's a bi-state manhunt, but so far, it's been to no avail. A lot of farmland and rural roads around here, it's a dunting task. But, in spite of the wide spread fear, I made it a point to go outside, sit in the sun and soak up the gifts of the universe.

One of my favorite things is to lay down on my deck swing and feel the warmth of the sun, while swinging and looking up at the sky. The sky was completely void of just about everything. (Over the past couple days, there has been a LOT of helicopters circling) All was a welcoming quiet. While looking at the brilliant blue sky, I caught a flicker of a sparkle out of the corner of my eye. Upon further inspection, I could see it was a spider's webbing. It had to be a good 4 feet from the top of my deck swing down to the deck railing. It got me to thinking about how amazing it is that a tiny little spider can take a delicate string and make a stretch that far. I watched the breeze blow it back and forth. The spider had to have descended down, then waited for the right timing when the breeze took it a good distance and then in perfect timing dropped the rest of it's string to reach the deck railing. Then I looked behind me and saw the early stages of a web sparkling in the sun. So delicate, such hard work. I wonder how many times it's plan failed or looked too impossible to try. Wow, that's amazing. Ok, here's where I admit I really hate spiders, and I started getting the heebie jeebies thinking they were crawling on me, so I started thinking I should probably get up. As I looked above me one last time to enjoy the sparkles, I saw the tiny white-ish spider dangling from a string, swinging back & forth with the breeze. Still not giving up. Yep, amazing little creature, amazing accomplishments.

I saw a large flock of little birds, flapping their wings furiously and shooting across the sky. The bright sun almost made it appear as they're wings had bright yellow on them. I think it was just the sun, as I've never seen that type of bird in that number in this area before. Another natural phenomenon. That must take a lot of effort, and must be really tiring to flap wings that furiously. What a daunting task to fly south for the winter. But that's what life is for them, so they don't give up.

Just before I got up I managed to see 3 different planes in the air. One was a small plane, and two were the large kind that cut a blazing white trail through the blue sky. All that metal, all that weight, and yet it flies through the air. What a daunting task it was for two men to take that from imagination to reality. Truly amazing. How many times did that project look doomed, or have huge setbacks. Where would we be if they gave up when it got difficult?

A tiny spider making a massive (in comparison to it's size) web, a single idea, into a massive airplane. Lessons in life before my very eyes. It can look like a daunting task, but you have to keep going forward to get where you want to be. The universe is huge, and you are just one person, but your impact upon the world, and yourself, is of the utmost importance. Don't give up on yourself or the universe!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Upon us all a little rain must fall









I have been doing fairly well over the past few months focusing on my 'enjoy life project' and looking for the positive in everything. I am, by nature, a summer kind of person, and when it comes to an end, I tend to get a little down. But, the month of October in particular has even more of a profound effect on me than just disappointment that summer is over. I've posted about it in full detail on my blog before: my first ever blog post So Now What: http://myheartsinarizona.blogspot.com/2009/10/everybodys-bloggingso-what-hell.html

I will try to provide a brief explanation for those of you who aren't familiar.
Four years ago life as I knew it began to fall apart. Aside from having to put 2 of my beloved animals to sleep due to separate health problems, my Mom, who was barely 64 and in a nursing home for the past few years became incapable physically doing much of anything for herself, became sick and begged me to let her die. The illness was a simple urinary tract infection which was rectified with iv antibiotics, but she was placed in restraints because she kept fidgeting the iv tubing out. She grabbed my arm and said "I love you, I love you, I don't want to live like this"
So, the next time she got an infection, I had to tell them to let her be. It was what she wanted. As if that wasn't bad enough, two months later, the job that I identified myself with sold, and the new owner was unbearable, and within weeks everyone quit. One would think that was enough too, but of course, there's more. A few months after that, I was betrayed by the very people that were closest to me, and I had to write them out of my life. And my relationship with my Son became extremely strained and volatile at the same time. Whew, a lot on my plate.

I try not to let all of this 'stuff' define me, I know I am much more than the adversity that I have faced, and that others have faced so much more than I. I do my best to focus on something else as much as I can. It's just this time of year that, in spite of my efforts to stay occupied by other things, it always creeps up on me at some point. October 3rd is the day my Mom passed away, and the 22nd is her birthday. She loved the fall and the changing leaves and cool temperatures.
So this time of year she is always on my mind.

I've come to realize that the pain will always hurt as if it was yesterday, but with time it gets less frequent, and that I should start celebrating all that my Mom loved, and not focus on all the loss that I feel. But, without a Mother, a child feels lost. I have my dark and stormy days, and I'm fully aware that I should not allow it to consume me. I'm doing the best that I can to occupy myself, but it still manages to creep up on me. Riding season is all but over, so the regular 2 wheel therapy ride to blow out the cobwebs of my mind is sporadic, weather permitting.

I need to revel in all that she loved, and find comfort in the fact that she is watching over and protecting me from above. I know she wants me to be safe and happy. I may have lost her in my physical world, but I have gained the best Guardian Angel one could ever ask for. I've seen the proof several times over.

Today was a tough day for me, I found myself easily aggitated and unhappy. The weather was horrible. Cold, windy, raw and rainy. On my travels for a little retail therapy, the sky was ugly in every direction I could look. I came out of the store in the driving rain to see the sun shining brightly from one space between the clouds. The western part of the sky began to break and the light was blinding. Ominous ugly black clouds in 3 directions, and sunlight from the west turned into a beautiful double WHOLE rainbow. You don't get to see full rainbows all that often. The sky around it was dark and depressing, but the brilliantly cheerful colors sliced through dark clouds in an arc, and seemed to glow with beaming light. I looked in awe as if I had never seen one before. I found myself interested in the exact circumstances that brought this piece of beauty to be. I know I've learned about this phenomenon in school as a child, but I couldn't help but be amazed. A little miracle in the sky. A gift from above.

My conclusion, that no matter how gloomy a situation is presenting itself around you, no matter how depressing and ugly it may seem in every direction, this too, shall pass. There will be a break in the clouds, an illumination of light, and if you're lucky, you will find colorful joy. Look for it, find it, and savor it.