Amen, I'm alive

I have had an adventurous summer this year, riding in 11 states, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Missouri, and Kansas. I think I’ve done fairly well being present and absorbing it all and committing it to memory. I call it my Enjoy Life Project, and think I did a good job. It hasn’t been all happiness and fun times. This year has had its serious challenges for sure. Early this spring I had a falling out with my best friend of over 25 years, not unforgiveable by any means, but the damage, in my opinion is irreparable. Only time will tell for certain. Over stressed and overwhelmed with the dynamic of management where I worked led me to walking out on a job that I loved dearly. It gave me a lot of free time to decompress and unload the negativity that was encompassing me to be free of the stress and do what I want, when I want.

I have found this to be a difficult past week for me. First, I stumbled upon a piece of unsettling news that had the potential to really shake my foundation of what I thought I knew. I tried not to let it take me over and lead me into a panic, but it did cause me to worry about my future. I also got news that yet another person that I knew had been tragically killed in a random accident, and taken from this world all too soon. I had written about my friend’s brother Michael being killed in a work accident in the spring, which caused me to dwell on what if you only had three days to live. Well, there I am again, thinking about mortality and time. I know we all think that way when we hear of someone’s passing, I’m nothing new. A girl that I sat with at Rider’s Edge Class, and had kept in touch through ladies’ rides and class reunions was tragically killed by a semi that ran a red light as she was driving home in the early hours of the morning. She got off work from bar-tending, spent the night at her boyfriend’s, and decided to get up early, drive her car home to get her books, and go to class. Kelle was 32 years old, and known by many for her smile, her laughter, and being vivacious and full of fun, and in a split second she was gone. If she hadn’t stayed the night at her boyfriends, if she hadn’t decided to go get her books, if she had waited just a few more seconds before she turned onto the highway, she would still be here. But, life is short, and it waits for no one. When it’s your time, it’s your time, and we don’t get to know in advance.

Her family had requested that riders attend her services, as a tribute to her love of riding. I committed to them that I would. I did ride to her wake to pay my respects. It was especially difficult, as this was the same place I had my Moms services a few years prior, and I hadn’t been back since. I spent the hour wait in line fighting off anxiety attacks. Dizziness, difficulty breathing, hot flashes, shaking, the need for air, the all encompassing gut feeling that the world is crushing you, and if you don’t get out, you will surely not make it. Couldn’t leave, I’d lose my place in line. I fought hard not to break down for a few reasons. I didn’t want to look stupid, because I wasn’t so close to her that I would be an emotional mess, and because I didn’t want to make this about me, it wasn’t fair, and because I refuse to be weak, dammit! My Rider’s Edge instructor and I were to ride in the funeral the next day. I had thought it necessary, because I didn’t think there would be that many bikes, but I found out that there were Fire Trucks, and the Freedom Riders attending, and my instructor was riding in with someone else, I started to wonder if I really should go, not having been so close to her. I ended up having an opportunity to spend some time with a friend that I rarely ever get enough time to see, and the weather was wonderful as well, so, after much consideration, I chose not to attend the funeral. I was glad that I had stayed and paid my respects the day before, and I chose to spend the time with a friend, and to take an unseasonably warm ride and to thoroughly enjoy doing what I love most, with God’s gift of a fabulous day. I don’t think Kelle would have disapproved.

Some time has passed since I’ve immersed myself in the joy of riding, due to having my bike in the shop for 3 weeks, and riding weather winding down for the season. I had started to forget how spiritual an experience riding really is. I always ‘know’ being in the wind is a whole body and soul experience, we all have heard people talk about what it feels like to ride. But with the time span between rides ever growing, the full effect of it fades away. It’s been 20 degrees warmer than normal for this time of year these past few days, I’ve been blessed with riding weather in November  and I’m lovin’ every minute of it while I can. There are a few roads that I’ve ridden past and thought, that looks interesting, I wonder where that goes. So, this time, I turned and went there, finding a beautiful new experience unfolding while I absorbed it all. A hilly and winding road, running through some wooded areas, with the sun in my face flickering past near leafless trees, and leading to vast, rolling farmland, some brown and harvested, some newly overturned and rich with heavy warm black earth. I could see the tree lines out in the distance with what seemed like a foggy mist blanketing their borders. Each time I came to a crossroad, I looked each way, then chose the most scenic direction. The air was rich with the scent of fallen leaves, the air was warm, yet crisp, as it is in the fall, and the sun was bright, almost blinding, blurring the edges of objects ahead of me, I could feel it’s warmth, but I could tell it was much farther away than what I had enjoyed all summer long. I felt a deep, comforting wave of peace overcome me in those moments. I could feel it in my bones, it started in my chest, and radiated it’s way down to my core, and I felt comforted and relaxed. It was different than the normal relaxation riding brings. Without being given a reason or proof, I felt that everything will be ok, that God and the Universe is beautiful and good, and that life for me is going to be just fine. I have no explanation, other than I was viewing the world with new eyes, as if I had never seen landscape like this before, and every inch of it amazed me. I have many concerns and worries in general, and this week in particular, but in that moment, something told me that everything will work out for the good and I am traveling the right road.

The lesson I’m taking away from this past week is, take that extra few seconds to look around you before you take that intersection, and pay attention to all of your seconds. Do what you have to do and what you should do, but make sure you find the seconds that make you happy and fulfill you as well. Life waits for no one, so don’t you wait for better timing, or better circumstances to go after your heart’s desire. Conceive it, believe it, and achieve it, and live life with fulfillment. It’s all happening now, reach for it, you CAN have it, and the universe wants it for you.
Singing Amen, I’m Alive