On My Knees

It seems as though the Universe is challenging my resolve to stay positive these days. The harder I try, the more the Universe pushes me.

I don't know how to determine if I should give up on something because thinking positive is only making me delusoinal about the truth. Am I just ignoring the facts of reality and making myself believe something is what it isn't? Where do you draw the line?

This week has been near impossible to digest for me. A major potential health scare, and ghost from the past coming back to screw up my life and cost me what I love the most.

I refuse to believe that my angels would bring me back here just to have this all taken away again, or for me to be too sick to live out my goal. But my resolve is about worn out this time. I can't make it through all of this again. It almost killed me the last time.

Please God, please Universe, please heaven, please angels, please fate.....
please make it go away. Isn't it time for me to be happy for once? I've spent so much time pretending to be happy, so much time sacrificing my inner happiness for others' sakes. Haven't I been through enough already? I'm on my knees now begging for it. I have been humbled by events of the past, I'm here in this place of understanding my mistakes of the past, willing to do what it takes to get to where I want to be...


Happy, healthy, financially secure, loved and in love, for the many many happy years of my life.

It is not my will, but Thine own. I stand before Thee pleading for my happiness.

*Additional note*
At the beginning of the year on certain powerful astrological days, I performed some cleansing rituals and asked the Universe for what I want. At one point, I told my friend that I didn't really care anymore what it took, as long as I got to where I wanted to be.
So, now, all of this is happening again...and I don't know how it will end...but all I can cling to is, hopefully, this is the direction that was meant to be, and this is the path to what I am longing for. (Positive spin, wishful thinking and delusion? Or Strong Willed, hopeful belief?)


Betrayal has many forms

Each of them inflicting pain

Betrayal of a lover in the arms of another

Breaks the heart

Betrayal of a friend that was not

Breaks your trust

Beytral of the one you love most thinking the worst

Breaks your soul

Betrayal of the universe bringing you pain

Breaks your spirit


This too, shall pass, they say

Rise above this

You have to feel the worst to appreciate the best

If it was mean to be it will be


True, perhaps

Agonizing, nonetheless

Broken hearts do mend

But they're never the same

Once broken, faith comes and goes like the rain