Life is a roller coaster ride

Life is like a roller coaster ride. For some, it’s the training wheels type, like you find at kiddie land. And for others it’s the please do not attempt if you have a heart condition, and hang on to your stomach contents with all your might kind. Mine is the latter.

For a while I thought that maybe I could be bi-polar. And I suppose, if there are degrees of bi-polar disorder, maybe I do have a little bit of it. But I don’t have the several days of sleepless, manic top of the world highs, nor do I have the I refuse to get out of bed for several days lows. I have degrees of those, however. I’ll have a sunny, good weathered day, where I crank up the tunes and feel like everything is going to go my way. Then I have the I’m too tired to care, would rather stay under the covers, pissed off at the world kind of day. Does that make me bi-polar? Me, I think I just have too much crap on my plate happening all at once to get over in a reasonable amount of time.

“Happy” people have their ups and downs, but on a much more level plane. It’s easy for them to say just get over it already, think positive, it’ll all be ok, look at the bright side of what you have. All very sound advice….for a person NOT struggling with major fucking issues. Can I just say this: When you say all those things to a person struggling to make it through something bad, if they’re depressed, none of those things help…in fact it’s just a reminder of how other people are probably looking down on you and don’t want to be around you because you’re annoying to them and your problems don’t matter, and so you should just isolate yourself from them. (And it’s ok that your problems don’t matter…you don’t expect everyone to feel like you feel…because you know that no one does and no one can.)

And yes, there are medications…and no, it is not a sign of weakness if you take them…but also, sometimes, they don’t work well enough if the situation you are in doesn’t ever get better and the only option you have is to get out of it, but that isn’t possible right now, or anytime in the near future. So your ups are great, but the downs just keep going further down. Ups and downs, cascading inside your mind…down and up and down again, up and down and round again. Enjoy the ups when they come, because sometimes the downs only come back up half way, then plunge even further than before. One step forward, two steps back. (Pink song…put one foot wrong, and I’m gonna fall, somebody gets it, somebody gets it, just one foot wrong and I’m gonna fall,..all the lights are one, but I’m in the dark, who’s gonna find me? Just one foot wrong, you’ll have to love me when I’m gone.)

So, you learn to enjoy the ups while they’re there. And hang on tight to the lows and wait for the rebound…if it comes.
The silence scares me ‘cause it screams the truth. If you know what the problem is, and you know there’s little or nothing you can do to fix it now, all there is to do is wait it out and keep reminding yourself that there is better than this.
(More Pink… “When it's good, then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again
Broken down in agony just tryin to find a friend”)


Frozen Winter, Cold Heart - Sharon 12/6/09

I am not the me I used to be
Too much disappointment and unhappiness is all I see
So I try to fill my days with things that bring me joy
Like motorcycle rides and buying huskies new toys
But deep down, inside, I know they’re just ‘things’
Material goods cannot give my heart wings
Lonely, dark, cold winter is settling in
And my heart is hardening from within
Next year will get better, I say to myself
But winter is like the loneliest cell in hell
Like a Desert Rose frozen in the snow
I am lying in wait for spring below