What do you do?

Please post comments....i'm taking advice!

What do you do about....
A coworker who continually pretends to be busy, all the while you're busting your ass, and having to pick up their slack?

A coworker who can't handle more than one thing at a time and has to run back and get someone because she's 'busy' holding a piece of paper or something ridiculous, but when you're genuinely visibly busy, doesn't bother to help out...and insists that she can 'multi task with the best of them'

a coworker who:
constantly has snide underhanded remarks
has a wickedly spiteful immature 'tit for tat' mentality
will stop at nothing to sabbotage things u do to get u in trouble
continually waves any mistake u make in ur face and to others
drags clients into her little 'points' to be made to make herself look better and you look bad
always has an explanation of why she's doing something or has to get someone else's answer so that she can exclude herself from any blame at all
(and the above coworker is all ONE person.....aka the 'office bitch')

coworkers who stop working the minute u get to work because they've worked hard all day and it's time to relax now that you're here

a boss who's management philosophy is out of sight, out of mind

a boss who is never really there to see how bad it really is

A boss who's answer often is "enter office bitch name here" is "enter office bitch name here" and she isn't going to change, just do ur job and don't let it get to you.

Which is all fine and dandy, but taking the high road and doing that only makes her get worse, and take more advantage of you, and increases YOUR workload, so it DOES affect your work!

a boss who won't fire anyone because it's too much trouble
a boss who would rather just hire another person to help when someone can't keep up with their work, but expects you to do all the work yourself, and you're already busting your ass all day long?
but when you ask for a raise, there isn't 'enough cashflow for additional hours or pay"

A boss who can't afford to give you more hours or more pay, but his wife spends ridiculous ammounts of cash on crazy stuff 'just because' silly pens, sticky notes to give away, $800 for 6 wooden dining room chairs for the waiting room, etc
who pays for their daughter & husbands expenses, who paid for the son in law to go to a different doctor for broken leg surgery because they didn't like the doctors his insurance would pay for.

a boss who pays those 'coworkers' who take breaks and sabbotage, and who have been there for years and years, more than you, but you literally do 3 - 4 times the work the others do?

it's war at work
then you go home, and it's war at home (i've already covered the why it's war at home part, i won't go on about it again....read past posts lol)
what do you do?
what do i want to do?
RUN AWAY!

If quitting your job, and quitting your life isn't an option, how do you make all of the above ok without giving the people around you permission to do what they do and continually take advantage of the fact that you'll do nothing or 'take the high road'?

Shades Of Grey

Shades of melancholy grey
filled my world as you went away.
Rooms filled with deafening silence.

My mind races with wishes and fear
Empty arms outstretched, aching to hold you near

Green eyes heavy with sadness
Tormented and craving

Without you
waves of lonliness crashing all around

The weight of my world suffocates me
My soul is dark now, you were my gravity.

With you, my heart is full
my soul shines, my heart soars.
Memory is a fact of the soul.

Lifting my heavy cloak to reveal my wounds
I say to you "Love answers need."
I long to shed this cloak,
step outside my skin,
kneel naked before you in all vulnerability,
and wait for you to take me in.


I gave to you all of me.
I fulfill it because I contain it.
It prevails because it is within me.
And I say to you with the purest of love on my tongue
you, and only you
were
the
one

(This is an oldie, I can't even remember when I wrote this)

Music

I live in my music....and the music lives within me
Music, life, words, feelings, powerful stuff

Creed. Wash Away Those Years by Creed


She came calling
One early morning
She showed her crown of thorns
She whispered softly
To tell a story
About how she had been wronged
As she lay lifeless
He stole her innocence
And this is how she carried on
This is how she carried on

Well I guess she closed her eyes
And just imagined everything's alright
But she could not hide her tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years

My anger's violent
But still I'm silent
When tragedy strikes at home
I know this decadence Is shared by millions
Remember you're not alone
Remember you're not alone

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years

For we have crossed many oceans
And we labor in between
In life there are many quotients
And I hope I find the mean

I would NEVER!

One thing I've discovered that you learn as you age is that you cannot judge the behaviors of others based on what you would or would never do. With age (usually) comes the wisdom that unless you've been in that person's place, having had that person's feelings and experiences, you absolutely cannot accurately say what you would do!
"It's easy for people to say I would never do that", or "I would never stand for that", or "I draw the line at, and would never cross it". Never say never.
It is easy to sit and judge from the safety of your ideal mindset.

I had a friend who said I would never allow a cat to stay in my house if it urinated out of the litter box. That cat would be so dead, I'd have it put to sleep. (A cat lover, mind you). She now has a beautiful miniature pedigree that she has paid a lot of cash for, and has fallen in love with completely. You learn to make another exception. You put another blanket on the couch, you buy a carpet cleaner, you invest in solvents, anything you can think of to make it not so bad.

Another friend of mine has a sibling that was cheated on by their first spouse. Her stand is I do not tolerate cheating. I'm sorry but you just don't do that. Even talking to someone in an intimate conversation is cheating. Seriously contemplating cheating is cheating! Ok, we all have a moral compass, and on it is cheating. But we all have our degrees. Some draw the hardest, farthest, boldest line in the sand. Others, it's not so permanent. They move the line over because they're leaving the person they're with right now. Or they fell hopelessly madly in love with this person and couldn't control what happened. Maybe their spouse is a controlling, abusive, rapist bastard, and the only way out of it was to find someone to help them, monetarily, courage-wise, strength-wise. Right or wrong, good or bad, it is done all the time. Don't get me wrong, there are still predators out there forging internet and interpersonal relationships with whomever they can find, and there are people out there with stories so horrific that they're collecting people to feel sorry for them. Those are the wrongest of the wrong....and there are the rightest of the right who drew the line at never ever ever ever....and then there are all of those in the grey area in between.

And then there is the person who says you just have to bite the bullet and give a child tough love. KICK THEM OUT, etc. What about the parent of a child who has been less than tolerable througout all of his adolescence and is now an 'adult' living off of his parents, taking them for a ride, unemployed for over a year, not making more than half an effort to get a life. Hanging out with his friends until wee hours of the morning. Sleeping past noon. Collecting tickets, getting arrested, costing them legal bills to get him out of jail and to get a lawyer to clean up his license so he can still find and get to a job.
You know that he's just doing more stuff because he's depressed and feels like a loser so why bother raising anyone's expectations....it isn't going to get any better than this...you know... the FUCK IT mentality kind of young man who is his own worst enemy and refuses to see it. He blames everyone else for his problems. He steals money from his parents because they have everything and they deny me everything all the time....The cops are assholes with nothing better to do than harass us....and the judge is a prick to everyone...and the guy I just rearended started to go and then just slammed on his brakes for no reason...and I haven't paid my insurance since July (because he'd rather pay the cell phone bill and get fast food with his pals) and the stupid insurance company won't let me pay them up now so that they cover this accident. Everybody is a fucking asshole who are on this earth just to hold him down and piss him off, he can't catch a break so why bother with anything. Maybe one parent has been trying to lay down consequences and teach lessons, but someone else comes around and helps them behind their back. What if that lesson would've been learned if they hadn't screwed it up like that?
Here's the line in the sand....let him suffer the loss of his license, and you know it's just one more excuse not to bother trying to get a job. Pay the lawyer bill and accident so he can get a job and hope he does? Kick him out of the house for being a freeloader, and risk the chance that he'll end up doing something so much worse than what he has been doing. What is a parent to do?

I know it's easy to draw those lines and say I would or I would nevers...and some of you may have even been there before. But none of you have ever been in that other person's shoes with their feelings and experiences.

Maybe that 'other' person is the soul mate you've been looking for your whole life and you never intended it to go that way at all, but it did, and maybe they're just screwing around because they can..

Maybe that boy is the only family that parent has left, and maybe they're so afraid of losing them or making them worse...

Maybe that cat is the only joy in that person's whole life...or maybe they're just too afraid of feeling the pain of letting it go///

My point is, it may be wrong to you, but it isn't you that you are judging.

Isn't it the best that you can do, if you truly love a 'friend' is to listen, offer support, and try to understand? And offer advice, IF, and that's a big IF it is welcomed...
and come from a place of compassion, and not judgement?

Just a thought.

I am always near

Me and my Grandfather (Papa)

4 Generations at the Grand Canyon

Gram & Me shortly before she passed

I was going through old pictures to put up on my facebook, and I stumbled across this, written by my Grandmother, approximately 7 years before she died. She did a lot of writing, unfortunately, I think my Mom, in her lack of awareness, threw them all away. This is all I have. I thought I would share.

Dated October 6, 1992

My Darlings, My Dears,

If I ever die before I wake, do not weep, I have gone the way I asked God
to take me.
Because I did not ever want to know when I had to leave you all.
I love you all so much. You were and are my life, and it was good.
No one could have had it better.
I have not really left you. I am with you always.
When the breeze that blows and touches your cheek, I kiss you.
When the sun shines on you and warms you, I am hugging you.
When you suddenly feel good all over and do not know why, you're
remembering our good times.
In all things I am near, never, never to leave you.
I am watching over, you are never without me. I am always near.

I love you with all my heart forever.


God Bless You


(Hon), Wife, Gram, Grammy

Be Strong

So, I wasn't going to obsess about the fact that today is my Mom's birthday. But no matter how much I say I'm going to be tough and ignore it, it comes anyway. I've even tried being too busy to notice, but it only delays the feelings by a couple days.

I didn't want to blog about more depressing thoughts...but the whole purpose of this blog is to purge, so purge I must today. Some of this is redundant, so if you've read my earliest posts, I've covered the subject before, but in less detail.

My Mom did more for me than I ever gave her credit for. I see that now.
Going back to the beginning, aside from the obvious giving birth thing. (Which, after I gave birth to my Son, when she walked into the room, I said to her "Never FUCKING again", and I meant it. I also kept my word!) Mom endured an abusive asshole for a husband for a long time. And as I've said in the past, she only left because of me. She was afraid he would abuse me. And he did to a degree. He hit me for sucking my thumb when I was like 3 or 4, I remember watching for the static on the tv when the garage door opened, so I could hide the fact that I was doing it. I remember him making me stand in front of the clock until I could tell him what time it was, and I would cry and say I promise when I go to kindergarten I will learn how. To this day, when someone ask me what time it is, my heart stops for a second. My most memorable childhood events were almost always a negative experience concerning my Dad. His fits of rage, breaking things, punching walls, yelling, getting arrested...etc. Good Riddance to bad rubbish I say. But why do I still want a Dad? I wrote him last year around this time....fully expecting no response, but afraid I would get one. Did I want to invite that back in my life? Not really. But, no worries, because he once again lived up to my expectations. I just get lonely this time of year, an only child from a small family, an aunt and uncle i talk to maybe once or twice a year, and see even less. No parents, no family, my nuclear family that I have created for myself coming apart at the seams, with little to nothing left to hold on to. We've been beating the proverbial dead horse for years now. It's all gone...gone.

My Mom and I were very close. After she left my Dad in the middle of the night with nothing, it was just me and her against the world. She worked hard, and we had little, but she always made sure I had whatever she could give me. She sacrificed everything for herself to provide for me. As far as I know, she never even had another relationship after my Dad. I never questioned it. She had a bad feeling about men after that. Who can blame her?
I was always in a race it seemed to make my own life. Engaged early, moved out early, married, homeowner, mother...I don't know why...I guess I was just trying to prove that I could do better.

After I moved out of her place, we spent a lot of time together. We used to shop every single weekend. Shop, lunch, craft sales, dinner, dark, go home. Talk on the phone every day. When my Son was a toddler , she had to have a disc replaced in her neck, she basically lived in my living room in a two bedroom house, for months until she recovered. After I moved to a bigger house, she moved in to the lower level. She and my Son were extremely close. Anything he couldn't get from me, he always went to her. She was more than happy to spoil her only grandchild.
Her fave pastimes were watching tv and eating. But she became diabetic. And her inactivity and unwillingness to manage her diabetes and diet took it's toll. After a while, she applied for disability, quit working, and rapidly declined in her muscular ability to care for herself.
A couple times while I was out, she fell, and my Son had to call me to come home. I had to get the neighbor to help me lift her. (She was almost 200lbs, and I had a knee brace on from my first acl surgery) She spent 2 weeks in the hospital, and months of in home, then external therapy. I spent my weeks going to my therapy for my knee surgery, then carting her around to her therapies 3 times a week. She got better, but then within a year, inactivity took it's toll again. I tried to do the tough love thing, but she was not having it. I spent far too much time being angry with her for not helping herself get better. Bad feelings. She finally asked me for a bedside commode because it was too hard to walk the 10 feet to the bathroom (which I had remodeled to be handicap accessible for her while she was in the hospital the first time). I got one for her just for the time being, but I had to have 'the talk' with her. What if your grandson comes home from school and finds that you've fallen, and it's spilled all over. Do you really want him to find you that way? You can't ask him to be responsible for helping you anymore if it's this bad, he's only 12. Let's find you a nice place where there are people who can take care of you 24/7. So, back into the hospital, and then a nursing home. That was a traumatic experience, let me tell you. I spent 45 minutes each way traveling every day to make sure she had the care she needed, because I trusted no one. I finally got her into the best one, where she could have a room of her own, but it took a year. She spent a few years in the nice place, but because of patient rights, they couldn't make her do therapy if she said no...so she rapidly declined. Delusional phone calls in the middle of the night, when do I get to come home? Tearful phone calls that she messed herself and didn't' have any clean underwear. Thank God for 24 hour Walmarts!

One day she got septic (body full of infection) they took her to the er, and then admitted her, where she was hooked to iv antibiotics. But she kept pulling them out, so they had to restrain her. One day when I was feeding her, I let her out of restraints to eat, and she grabbed my wrist, looked me in the eye and said, I love you, I love you, I don't want to live like this.
The next time she got an upper resp. infection they called in the middle of the night wanting to take her to the er, i told them no. But it's all politics there, it looks bad on their end if a resident dies, so they pressured me into taking her to er by saying once you get there, you can tell them no treatments. So I did, but the er says once they're there, it's their responsibility to treat someone if it is treatable. DNR means if they code, not to bring them out of it, but if it's something that can be corrected, their hands are tied. So they had to help her. I sat by her bed, and she told me and my son how much she loved us, and we told her we loved her too.
I was very angry at God for making me be the one to say, don't give my mother simple antibiotics, because she wants me to let her die. It was all in my hands, and I was ANGRY. Why couldn't God just take her in her sleep, and not leave this damned decision up to me? Why do I have to euthanize my almost 64 year old mother? It isn't fair!
In hindsight, I see that I got the chance to tell her I love her, and she told us too, and that is a priceless gift. But at the time, making her hospice, planning her funeral while she was alive, having to read about the process of death....it was too much for me to bear. I spent a lot of time on antidepressants and sedatives....there isn't an awful enough word to describe it.

A couple months later, I'm told she has a cold, and need some oxygen, and that this would probably be the beginning of the end, did I still want to do this. Well.....NOOOO, but I had to.
Got a call one afternoon, after having spent some time with her earlier, she was sleeping a lot. "Your Mom's breathing is shallow and her oxygen rate is low, the time is near" What a voicemail that was! And I wasn't available to take the call. I called back, and asked, so what are we talking, weeks, days? "In our experience, probably Hours...you may want to gather your family." I was so mad at myself for delaying listening to my messages. Here I was wasting precious time involved in the daily stupidity of my selfish little life and my Mom was dying!
My aunt and her husband came to her room with me and we waited. Shallow breaths, almost stopping...is this it? Then a breath...no it's not. My son wanted to leave, he had an assignment due, I told him he could go if he wanted to. He drove himself home. Shortly thereafter she slowed significantly. I sat next to her on her bed, put my cheek to her cheek and whispered "It's ok Mom, I love you, It's ok." And then she was gone.
The nurse came in, listened for a heartbeat, and confirmed that it was over. I walked out into the hallway of the nursing home, looked at my Aunt and said, So now what am I supposed to do?
I think my Son was angry that he left and she died. I know I was angry that I wasted precious time and didn't listen to my voicemails....just plain angry at the world for making me have to be responsible for all of this!

It just sucks to be the strong one sometimes! This is the third loved one that I've watched take their final breath...I am only SO strong!!!!! And the pain never goes away.

updated edit:

I've not decorated or handed candy out on Halloween since October of 06. Halloween was Mom's favorite, we used to go all out for it, and I just can't get my stuff out.
Nor have I yet been able to put up my Christmas tree (it's full of ornaments that my Mom and family have bought for me, unicorns, rocking horses, all the things that I dearly love, reminders of what used to be and what isn't there anymore.) I got tired of people on my case about the tree thing, so I bought a small fiber optic tree & put it on a table in the front window and said "There's your f*cking tree, happy now?" Ok, that was a bit harsh, I admit...but I just can't do it, I will when I'm ready and no one will push me into it!

A member of the "lost my Mother" club now. An only child, with a absentee Father since 1974, and both my Grandparents gone. Having no parents is like having the last thread that was holding you to the earth cut, and you're drifting aimlessly, with no place to belong. You're alone. You can be in a room full of friends, and still be totally alone and completely lonely. You know people out there love you, and it means the world to you that they do....but it isn't your blood. It is a profound sadness that never goes away. It may get fewer and farther between in frequency, but the pain, sadness and lonliness is hauntingly always right there under the surface.
I've adapted enough to let it all simmer under the surface, but there are two days each year that I can't stuff it down anymore. October 3rd, the day she died, and October 22, her birthday. October is an awful month...the Holidays aren't too fantastic either these days. It's like being on an emotional rollercoaster. You stay on it long enough, and you're inevitably going to puke your guts up.

What is Love?

Love
We all crave it. We all seek it in one form or another.
But what is it?

Fairy tale love is what we're fed as youngsters through books and movies. The beautiful girl, the handsome, dashing young man. Wealthy, poor, the wrong side of the tracks, or the right side of the silver spoon. Two people, smiling, dancing, singing, and they live happily ever after.
*screeching record sound*
But that almost never happens, does it?

When I was young, I thought love was someone that wanted to be with you all the time. Someone that liked doing things with you, and someone who you knew would be there.

So now, I'm not so young, and I'm looking for definition.
I know what love is when it comes to my child, my animals, my motorcycle....
They make me happy, I love spending every minute I can with them. But that isn't a real love, it's there, it always will be there, little will change.

Real, two people in a relationship love....define please.
I know what my ideal love is...
Attractive (yes, you have to look at a person you spend every day with and think, yeah, that's good stuff right there!)
Funny, a sense of humor is a must
Generous, not money, but with themselves...time, giving, caring, etc
Considerate. Someone who puts me first, and is thinking about how I feel...because I tend to worry about others more than myself, so it would be nice for someone to think about me
Passionate. Someone who dives in with both feet and gives themselves fully
Compassionate, caring for all those around them.
Smart, interesting to talk to.
A good cook would be great...I consider myself to be, but it'd be nice to be cooked for too!
Social, because antisocial people suck!
Strong and brave.I want to feel HELD and safe.
Dedicated and Loyal
Trustworthy, of course
Loves animals, and riding, a must!

So, I think someone who wants to be with you as much as they can, who thinks about you all the time, and likes to let you know they think about you, someone who calls just because, and can't wait to see you, someone who thinks everything you do is cute, funny, intersting, smart, wonderful, someone that wants to be close and in contact all the time, someone that you know has your back, and who you want to share every little thing and every big thing there is and you can't wait to talk to them, someone who is the center of your universe, and who makes you feel like you're the center of theirs....i think THAT'S love.

But the question is.....is that lasting? Are two people supposed to feel that way for all eternity? I think so. But I'm jaded, I don't know if that's a reasonable expectation. Can two people keep feeling that way about eachother for that long? I don't know. So far, I haven't found that to be so.

Love is a crapshoot, the odds are against you, but if you win, you're damned lucky I guess.