Screw it, let's ride!

Anticipation is making me wait…
Patience has never been my strong suit. I seem to always be in a hurry to get to the next step, the next achievement, the next event.
I am chomping at the throttle to get this bike on the road with the new unbling on it. Not that it makes a difference in the way the bike rides, but it does make a difference in the way it makes me smile.
The ONE place where I make it a point to slow my mind and savor every moment that I’m experiencing is when I’m riding. It’s not the destination, it’s the ride is so true. Feel the wind, the sun, listen to the bike, hear the wind in your ears, FEEL the experience. It’s ecstasy on wheels!

I was contemplating today that there are so many different views on spending your time. Mostly I was thinking about it in regards to riding.
Living in the Midwest, where the riding season is really only May through September if you’re lucky, and working weekdays, every weekend without rain is precious. Now, granted, I do not have small children, so those people would not fall into the category I am in, because time with your children is far more precious than anything.
My summer weekends are a fleeting commodity, and the closer it gets to the end of summer, the more greedy and stingy I am with them. Last year my niece’s bridal shower was a weekend in July. I chose to ride instead. Now some of you may find this very selfish, and you are entitled to your opinion, but first listen. It had been a crappy riding year, a lot of rain and cooler than normal temperatures. The niece was not a child I’ve been close to, and I did send them a very nice gift. I am certain she did not say to herself, damn, I wish my Aunt Sharon was here today. Hardly. My theory was, I am not wasting an entire day sitting at a bridal shower wearing uncomfortable girlie clothes, watching someone unwrap gifts, eating catered food sitting at a table of people I don’t really know or probably even like, when I could be one with my bike, soaking up the summer sun, perhaps discovering roads I’ve never traveled before. Selfish? Maybe. The older I get, the less I care what people think about me.


I have friends that say they’ll go with me on a poker run, only to bail out at the last minute because they have something else they need to do. Those people are in the ‘other’ category. Those who feel that their time is also precious, but there are many things they need to accomplish or experience, and that spending the day wandering roads and putting miles on for no reason other than to waste a day, is a waste of their time. The direct opposite of me. I’m not saying they’re wrong, or I’m right. To each his own.

So, mid June I have another wedding to attend. This time, a nephew. Another child I’ve spent very little time with. Only this time it will be an entire weekend because the event is in southern Illinois. A long drive there, an overnight at a hotel, and a long drive home. A commitment to which I don’t want to tie myself down, I’d rather be riding, weather permitting. I cannot send the response card in saying we’ll see what the weather is, if it’s shitty, I’ll gladly attend, but if it’s nice, I’m riding. They wouldn’t understand (they don’t ride). So my dilemma is to commit or not to commit. I’m sure the message it sends to family if I don’t attend a wedding would be a negative one, but as I said, the older I get, the less I care what others think about me! My happy medium I suppose would be to ride to southern Illinois, weather permitting. But I can’t ride to a wedding in girlie clothes and walk in with biker hair…so I will have to ask to hitch a ride with someone. I would still much rather send them a nice gift, stay at home, with my riding friends, spending my precious time the way I want. I am selfish, I know this.

The shortest distance between two points…..is for people who don’t ride! Life is short….screw it..Lets RIDE!

I HATE confrontation!

The whole purpose of this blog is to purge what’s been on my mind…so as boring as work problems here, here goes:

I bust my ass at work, it’s my nature, when we’re busy, I work double time. I like being a part of solutions to better things and make things easier. I created a lot of professional looking documents at home on my laptop, and for over a year, I was bringing my laptop to work because we don’t have computers…until I finally convinced them to buy a cheap laptop.
So…here’s my issue:
I work with a receptionist who has been there over 27 years, she’s used to the old country ways of a sleepy quiet town, she knows everyone and talks to EVERYONE. Great, but that’s ALL she does. I’ve ranted about her before, she carries around papers to make her look like she’s doing something so she can ignore everything else going on around her because she’s ‘busy’. She does little to nothing in the way of working. The other receptionist is a spiteful, clueless dimwit, ‘nuff said. If I go hoover my lunch (while answering phones and everything else) she will come in the next day with a full meal & read a magazine, just because I ate lunch.
The day kennel help, spends most of her time up front babysitting the 27+ yr office bitch, and avoiding anything she can in the way of work. Her daughter is the afternoon kennel help, she texts, and reads each and every newspaper before she lines the kennels with them.
For a little while I was cutting my work performance down because complaining wasn’t getting a thing, so if they were going to get all the perks, screw it. Then I was ‘spoken to’ and told that my raise would reflect it…HAH next thing a few months later…Boss says money is tight so no raises for anyone last year, but gave us bonuses…but everyone got the SAME bonus.
This spring Boss is remodeling his kitchen and the basement. (I realize that is a boss’s prerogative, however if you’re telling your workers there’s no money, you should probably keep your renovation plans to yourself.)
In January this year, I got screwed out of a sick day, because it wasn’t April yet and my start date was April 1st. Ok, but last year when I got sick in January they only paid me 2 sick days because they suddenly decided there was a cap on sick days, when before there wasn’t. So a few weeks ago, the day kennel help who does little to nothing of her job, gets sick and lands in the hospital for a while, and they pay her 3 WEEKS of sick days! I understand being sick for weeks is a hardship, and it’s great that they did that for her, but it’s equally as BAD that they argued semantics with me over a sick day taken too early, and I wasn’t even asking for something that was in addition to what I was supposed to have COMING to me.

Add to all the above that the management has an out of sight out of mind business philosophy and won’t fire anyone, no matter how bad they are, because they might look bad….and I’m always the one he comes to when he wants something do because he knows I’ll make sure to get it done, so I’m always the one being told what to do, while the others are getting away with doing NOTHING because they can.


So, here is my dilemma, the others get paid more than I do, and I do more work than they do…3-4 times more work. I thoroughly believe that I am worth more. It is not in my nature to stand up and say I “deserve” ….so I’ve been putting it off…..but it’s really getting ridiculous!
I need pep talks to get brave & stand up for what I believe!

Arizona

From the minute I walked out of the airport and into the Arizona sun, I felt LIGHTER, freer, happier, content. But the trip itself was a disaster for the most part. At the airport I couldn't find my headphones, so I paid outrageous airport prices for a new pair, only to get there and realize I did have them, they were just stuffed away in my luggage, and then leaving them in the rental car when we returned it. At the gate, my cooler/carry on was too big and they made me check it, and I left the charger and dvds in it after I took my laptop out of it. I sprained my ankle by missing the last step at the hotel the very first whole day I was there, and then hiked a 2.5 mile path up Superstition Mountain (my place of peace). My friend walked the whole trail with me, and she fell on the way down. It stormed pretty bad Saturday night, and the next two days were only in the 50’s. We were very late for the return flight and when I got to the airport they had to search my carry on. Apparently I exceeded the amount of small bottles of liquids and they threw out my hairspray and flat iron spray. I find it ironic that security at Sky Harbor airport it tighter than O’hare International.

Aside from the above, I had several highlights from my trip. I was determined not to let any of that junk interfere with my enjoyment of my favorite place. After I sprained my ankle Friday morning, I continued on with my plans to hike Superstition Mountain, my place of peace. I had decided to take some of my Mom’s ashes there with me and scatter them. She was never able to physically go up the mountain trails like my son and I did every year, but she would have loved to. It’s silent up there, serene, a nice breeze, you can actually hear the wind, see the hawks soar, wings outstretched, gliding but not moving at all. The wildflowers in spring, a carpet of little yellow and white poppies, the shades of the stones. Reds, corals, grays, oranges, even purple. My Mom always loved Native Americans, and their history. The superstition mountains had history. Legend has it that the Apache Indians hid gold they had stolen from the Spaniards.
I found a beautiful area lined with large stones, boulders and some brush to provide shade, and whispered goodbye again, and cast her ashes to the wind. It was a powerful and spiritual moment for me which brought me to tears. I think she would be happy.
It was very difficult for me to retrieve those ashes from the urn that sits on my curio. I was always too upset to even open the wooden jewelry box type urn, let alone open the container that lies within. But, I took a deep breath, cut the seal on it, opened the bag, removed the tag, and opened the inner bag to scoop out a small amount of ashes. I was not prepared for how difficult it would be for me, because I wasn’t aware of how much crushed bone there was in the cremains. I knew I would most likely encounter bone fragment, but I was taken aback by the gravel like consistency of it. It really upset me to say the least. Took me a long time to calm down from that. So….after going through all of that, I refused to let a sprained ankle interfere. After all, this trip could very well end up being the last one that I would be physically fit or able to do that hike.

Saturday night we went to dinner with my Arizona twitter pals…and I cannot say enough how much I love them. They’re all wonderful, treated me like family, and I felt a strong sense of belonging. Earlier that morning I was even given the gift of taking a ride on the back of a motorcycle to Tortilla Flat, which is in the superstition mountain range. Beautifully stunning scenery, it was a fulfillment of one of my fondest wishes, to ride on a bike alongside my mountain, enjoying Arizona air. My Grandma could see Superstition Mountain out of her kitchen window. When I first visited her as a little girl, she would say see my mountain? Then, when my son came with me, I would tell him when we hiked, this is my mountain, and he would argue with me that it was his, so we would agree that it was OUR mountain. It has deep special meaning to me, and to be able to ride there, it was indeed a bucket list moment. And I thank Tony for making it come to fruition. Love ya Tony, you and Becky are GOOD PEEPS, the greatest! There are not words for how special that was for me. xoxo.

Saturday night it ended up storming like crazy, lightning, thunder, pounding rain. As my bff stood out on the balcony watching the lightning over our view of North Mountain, I mentioned that my Mom loved storms and loved watching them. Then it came to me…the day after she passed, I woke up to a raging storm, lightning galore. I said, that must be Mom, up there saying do that again, I wanna see!
The day after I spread her ashes in Arizona, it stormed like crazy in the desert. Coincidence? Perhaps…but I think maybe not. I believe in God, and the Universe, and I believe they speak to us in many ways. While on the mountain hike, I sat looking toward the top, and asked God and the Universe for my hearts desires. Happy, healthy, financially secure, to be loved and in love for many joyful years of the rest of my life, so that I can, in turn spread joy and happiness, and help in any way that I can.

It all went by so fast, and now I’m home, back in the cold. But my heart is warmer these days, having visited my favorite place, and meeting up in person with my favorite people. Warmer indeed!

Inked, how much is too much?

I've debated off and on about posting something with my tattoos. I know I've shown many twitter friends pics of my tattoos. But when it comes to putting them up on the Internet, and leaving them there, I worry that someone may use it, and they are uniquely mine, I assisted in the design, and my tattoo artist, Gina is an incredible artist. I will never go to anyone else. She is amazing at what she does.
So, anyway, I'll put the stuff up on here, and maybe I'll take it down later?!

My first tattoo was just a piece of flash, a little one at that. I turned 30 and got a bug up my ass to do something rebellious. Just a heart impaled by a rose on the inside of my ankle. I loved it and it gave me the itch for more.

The next was another little one. After hundreds of hours of training, countless bumps & bruises, 1 broken foot, and 2 broken toes, finally reaching 1st degree blackbelt in TaeKwonDo, I decided to celebrate it in ink. I chose Korean writing, In Wha, and Pilsung, 'unbroken glory' which resides just below my broken foot bone, and 'personal victory'. On the blade of my foot, so when I sparred, it could be read by my opponent. I was also teaching TaeKwonDo at the time, assisting with the little ones, our Tiny Tigers program, and a couple of them wanted to 'write on their foot like teacher'. I didn't take that into consideration when I got it...but it was completely accepted by my instructor, (and my student's parents) whew! 2 ACL repairs and a total of 4 knee surgeries later, I got my 3rd degree blackbelt...I think I want to tattoo something on the incision scars on my knees, I just don't know what lol.


Next I got brave & got a wolf face (but with blue eyes, for my Huskies) inside a paw print done, and after a few years, decided to elaborate on that, so Gina came up with a fabulous design, sent it to me, I changed a few things, and after about a hundred emails, we nailed it! More Korean letters underneath it, Choon Jung 'all things turn out perfect & beautiful'.
I drew this little heart design while at a tattoo party, just a lil' somethin' cute.
(it's impossible to watch everyone get tats at a tattoo party and just walk away without something! lol)
About a year earlier, before redoing the Wolf Face tat, I asked Gina to make me something with flowers for my Mom & Grandma who had both passed away. My Grandmother's favorite, Tropicana rose, my Mom's was orchid, and two little orange blossoms for me and my son. She drew this, and I fell in love.
I've wanted a breast cancer ribbon tattoo ever since my Grandma passed away from it. So I found this heart pendant online that had a crystal pink ribbon around it, so I sent it to Gina, asked her to flower it up, and I wanted it to wrap from my big toe around the back of my ankle, she came up with a basic idea, but essentially, free handed on my foot with a marker until we got it where I liked it, and voila! there it was...OUCH
So...here I am with the 'itch' again. So what's next? I'm thinking 3 halo's (for obvious reasons) and 2 stars (for my 2 Huskies that I've lost) ...so Gina is working on it as we speak
AND I might throw in a little heart on the inside of my wrist...I don't know why, but I have a bug up my ass to get one there...lol

And there you have my body's ink history, a work still in progress...
So tell me, at what point do you think a woman has too many tattoos? Am I approaching the limit yet? lol

*BREAKING NEWS*
Here is my latest love...the little heart on my wrist. Gina, you're fabulous girlfriend! I never could've imagined how pretty an M and a heart could be.
(The M is for my Mom's side of the family, who's last name was Miller. I think it's quite lovely....even better than I could have imagined! :D

I still believe

Over the course of my 40+ years I've learned that I have a good intuition about things. I've had moments where something 'strange' has happened as a precursor for some big event that occurred in my life. I didn't 'know' what it was at the time, but after the fact I 'got it'. For instance, the night my before my grandfather died (he was in the hospital after surgery)at 2 a.m. I bolted up from a sound sleep and my right leg itched like mad. I had no idea what it was. Later that morning, I got a call saying his kidney's were failing, and that I should make the 90 minute drive up north to be with him. He passed away later that afternoon. I have no other way to explain being awakened from a sound sleep by an itch.

I've had 'feelings' about people many times. Usually that sinking 'I don't like him or her, I have no reason, I've never met them, but something is there I don't care for' feeling. I've always given people the benefit of the doubt and tried not to dismiss people based on some unfounded 'feeling', but I've almost always have come to find that feeling was justified. But, still, although I know better, I choose to set aside those feelings just in case I'm wrong. And they've almost always proved me right about those people.

Have you ever felt so strongly about something or someone that you were all but certain? Do you tell yourself you could be wrong, or do you go with your gut feeling, believing it could be no other way? Trust your instincts they say...but what if they lead you in the wrong direction?

I am certain that there is a love out there for everyone. Sometimes you only find one true love of your life, and some are fortunate to find it more than once. I believe in soulmates. I believe in meant to be.

Who is a soulmate? They're out there, a rare, and precious find.
He loves her more than he ever thought he could love someone. He loves her more than he's able to wrap his mind around. He thinks about her every single day. He can't keep himself away. He looks intensely at her, past her eyes and into her heart and soul. He can see even the slightest fleeting thought that runs through her mind because he is so observant. He touches her like she's the most delightful thing he has ever imagined. He holds her so tight she can't move, and she doesn't want to. He loves her with an urgency and intensity as if he needs her to breathe. A simple kiss from him will draw all the air out of her lungs, and a whispered I love you in her ear will send a chill straight into her heart, and down to her knees, making them barely able to hold her up. And he begs her to say I love you over and over because he can't get enough of hearing her say those words. He asks her to call when she gets home, he wants her to be safe. He's protective, feels like she's HIS and only his, but not in a obsessive way. He feels special because she loves him and only him. He makes her feel special every single moment they're together. He savors her beauty and tells her so, enough to make her believe she's the most precious thing he's ever laid his eyes upon. And when they're together, it is breathless and urgent, yet time stands still, and flies at the same time.

THAT'S what I'm certain a soulmate is.

On My Knees

It seems as though the Universe is challenging my resolve to stay positive these days. The harder I try, the more the Universe pushes me.

I don't know how to determine if I should give up on something because thinking positive is only making me delusoinal about the truth. Am I just ignoring the facts of reality and making myself believe something is what it isn't? Where do you draw the line?

This week has been near impossible to digest for me. A major potential health scare, and ghost from the past coming back to screw up my life and cost me what I love the most.

I refuse to believe that my angels would bring me back here just to have this all taken away again, or for me to be too sick to live out my goal. But my resolve is about worn out this time. I can't make it through all of this again. It almost killed me the last time.

Please God, please Universe, please heaven, please angels, please fate.....
please make it go away. Isn't it time for me to be happy for once? I've spent so much time pretending to be happy, so much time sacrificing my inner happiness for others' sakes. Haven't I been through enough already? I'm on my knees now begging for it. I have been humbled by events of the past, I'm here in this place of understanding my mistakes of the past, willing to do what it takes to get to where I want to be...


Happy, healthy, financially secure, loved and in love, for the many many happy years of my life.

It is not my will, but Thine own. I stand before Thee pleading for my happiness.

*Additional note*
At the beginning of the year on certain powerful astrological days, I performed some cleansing rituals and asked the Universe for what I want. At one point, I told my friend that I didn't really care anymore what it took, as long as I got to where I wanted to be.
So, now, all of this is happening again...and I don't know how it will end...but all I can cling to is, hopefully, this is the direction that was meant to be, and this is the path to what I am longing for. (Positive spin, wishful thinking and delusion? Or Strong Willed, hopeful belief?)


Betrayal has many forms

Each of them inflicting pain

Betrayal of a lover in the arms of another

Breaks the heart

Betrayal of a friend that was not

Breaks your trust

Beytral of the one you love most thinking the worst

Breaks your soul

Betrayal of the universe bringing you pain

Breaks your spirit


This too, shall pass, they say

Rise above this

You have to feel the worst to appreciate the best

If it was mean to be it will be


True, perhaps

Agonizing, nonetheless

Broken hearts do mend

But they're never the same

Once broken, faith comes and goes like the rain

Dreams

January 14th, 2010...I've been focusing on the positive....mostly. My horoscopes say that with the new moon today, this will be a pivotal day for me. I'm really hopeful about that.
I'm doing the best I can to stay on the bright side, but there are many challenges. In my most challenging moments, so far, I've gotten by with telling myself 'The universe works in mysterious ways, and I'm trusting in God's divine timing, this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.'

I truly believe that friends are family that you get to hand pick. I have picked some awesome friends. I've had the great fortune to have two of my friends buy me plane tickets to Arizona and Texas this coming month then later in the spring. Some time away from life's aggravations, and some much needed warmth and sunshine will be a welcome rest, indeed.

Texas is important to me, because there is an old friend there that I've recently reconnected with. He was my neighbor from when I very young. I moved away when I was 7 years old, and never heard from him again. I practically lived at his house. I credit his Mom for my addiction to Mexican food. Florence made the most awesome hand made tortillas every night with dinner. That was one of my most fond memories of childhood. Anyway, almost 2 years ago Danny found me on classmates, contacted me, and asked me to come down to visit. I initially declined, because I couldn't really afford the time off of work, as I had already used my vacation time. But, later that week I had a breakdown realizing that it was his mother's 81st birthday, and if I didn't go, I might not ever have the opportunity to see her again. Suddenly, seeing Florence (who was a good friend of my Mother's) became one of the last little connections to my dwindling family. So, with tears in my eyes, I reunited with my long lost 'family', and it was awesome. So, Danny sent me tickets to go back, and I can't wait!.

My best friend is taking me to Arizona next month. I can't wait to meet my twitter pals that I have become very fond of. But Arizona also has another strong meaning to me. My grandparents wintered there every year since the 70's. When my son was young, we would go visit every spring break. The state, and especially Superstition Mountain has a very special meaning to me.
It will be like coming home for me. I haven't been there, since my grandparents passed away, which has been over 10 years.

So, with all this excitement and joy, from out of the blue, I'm stricken with sadness. I wasn't prepared. The other night I had an emotional dream. I dreamed I was at some family wedding, and my grandparents and mother were there. For some reason I got into a heated debate with my grandmother. (My grandmother and I were very alike and often would butt heads.) So, after this debate, I was leaving the event, and I went to hug my Grandfather goodbye. And in that instant, my Grandfather appeared to me as a combination of my Mother, Grandmother and Grandfather all in one. And, as I hugged goodbye, I realized that it would be the last time that I would ever seem him/them again. I woke up sobbing, tears rolling down my face, gasping for air through tears. And, it took me over half an hour to calm myself, because I couldn't stop thinking that I was there, alone in the dark.

So, needless to say, I have been 'off' since that happened. I'm feeling tired, alone, and insecure about my future. And I'm back to questioning "Do I go back to the old ways of latching onto what's known, and 'comfortable', or do I march forward into the fear of the unknown to find happiness?"

I'm just putting one foot forward and going through the motions and trying to analyze everything that happens. I can look hard into everything that happens and come up with a conclusion that would fit either choice. Are 'bad' things happening because I should get out of where I am? Or are 'bad' things happening to scare me back into what I know?

"Trust in God's divine timing, and know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment." Hmmmmm