Broken

Once upon a time, I was a happy girl. I vaguely remember enjoying life...problem is, I didn't know then that I should be savoring every moment instead of being in a hurry to get to the 'goal'. The cheesy saying it not about the destination, it's the journey, it's so true.

When I was in school, I couldn't wait til I graduated. Once I graduated I couldn't wait til I found someone to spend my life with. Once I found someone who was serious about me, I couldn't wait to get engaged. When I got engaged, I couldn't wait til the wedding. When I got pregnant, I couldn't wait til the baby came. When the baby was a toddler, I couldn't wait til he went to school. All this excitement, happiness, eagerness to get to the next great thing. My focus was off. I don't remember the happiness...I was too busy working toward the goals living my life, marching forward, x'ing off day after day from my calendar and from my life.

All that good stuff on my list. Done that, check! And it was all checked off by the time I was 26. (21 if you don't count the years waiting for my son to start school as a goal to be counted down toward.) Spent all my time marching toward the goal not stopping to think if this was the goal I really should be achieving. Got the man, got the house, got the kid, 'perfect' suburban life. Caution, objects in this life are farther than they appear. Far from happy. Far from right.

I'm pretty good at stuffing it down and 'lying in the bed that I made' if you will.
It's not so bad, it could be so much worse. The problems I have pale in comparison to what other people are going through. I am thankful I have a nice house, new motorcycle, a decent paying job, a healthy son, and too many of life's little luxuries to count. I have SO much.

I've posed this question before: At what point does focusing on the positives become fooling yourself into believing you could be happy like this? Because I tell myself all the time that I have a nice life, and I can be content. I am a passionate person...my feelings run deep and strong. When I love, I jump in with both feet and give my everything, all I have, and all I AM. I gave up my identity.
When I work, I give all I that I am capable of, and am always trying to be capable of more. Then I let my work define me. To my friends, I give everything I can whenever they need. I am a people pleaser.

I have given away all of me, and put everyone else's needs and feelings before my own. It's a selfish thing to want more than what you have now. It's selfish to put my foot down and think of myself first. Or is it? I'm pretty sure I know what it is that would make me happy and enjoy life again. But, at what point are you allowed to do what makes you happy, if it means others around you will not be?

I'm even dissatisfied with the content of this blog as I am writing it. I prefer more organization, and more logic and solution...a neat closure. I can't close this in a neatly tied package, because I don't have the answer. My thought process is as broken as I am. I'm a fixer, and I have this overwhelming and obsessive desire to FIX this broken me. But all I'm able to do right now is keep gluing the broken pieces back in place and going about my business delicately so as not to knock them all to the ground.