Timing is EVERYTHING

For a while now, I’ve been watching my life path drifting away from where it once was. I’m not so sure if that path is drifting away from me, or I’m drifting off the path that I THOUGHT was where I should be going. I suppose it’s a little of both. Either way, it’s got me contemplating everything. I’m a chronic analyst. I think about everything, all the time. I’m one of those people who feels like if all the angles are covered, I’ll understand it all, and be better able to work with the plan. I’m a fixer, a doer, a fighter (not combative, but fighting for what I believe and for what I love). Yes, I’m a control freak, in the sense that I like to keep myself in control, in check, if you will, and when I lose it, it upsets me greatly. I try to leave no stone unturned, so that, in the end, I can rest on the fact that I did everything I could have possibly done. I’m always thinking at least one step ahead of right now. You would think that would have gotten me somewhere further than where I am by now, wouldn’t you? But, I am starting to feel like my drive to FIX it, might be driving me right into the unfixable.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m reevaluating every decision I ever made. The heart and eyes that I possess now contain more experience than ever, and are causing my mind to revisit my past and try to figure out what happened then, who I thought I was, what’s happening now, who I have become, and where do I go from here. My fear of the unknown is a big problem when it comes to navigating the unsolved puzzle of life. The unknown has brought me so many things, many of them for which I am grateful. Life also has brought an ample supply of ‘blessings in disguise’. I realize that they have made me stronger, but the struggle to climb through them has not been my favorite part, to say the least. I’ve had enough of that, I don’t want to go back there. I’m looking for my happy ever after. Aren’t we all! I’m not delusional, I realize that no one is always happy all the time. That’s not what I’m talking about, not at all. I’m wondering where do I go from here…I’m not a ‘let’s flip a coin kind of person’, never have been. I know who I want to be, and what makes me feel like that person.

Problem is, the view of the path to get there is obstructed. What to do…cut down the forest in front of me and trudge forward with fierce determination without regard for the no see’um critters that may be lurking?… take the time to gather the supplies (so much time has gone by already), build the ladder, climb to the top of the wall to get a better view (I’ve already bloodied my head beating it up against a wall plenty, to no avail)……or bust that fucker down with the biggest sledge hammer I can find? What to do, what to do?