Love Letter

Dearest
As you’ve had your reasons, your friends, and family, and loves have proven themselves to be fleeting at times, you’ve gone through too much of your life believing you are not good enough.
I’m writing to tell you that you’re right, you’re NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You are so much better than just good enough!

You, my dear, are a precious gem, with a beautiful loving heart. I know it’s been broken, and you have your guard up, but your love is grand, and it deserves to be shown. You may have been hurt by those who have taken advantage or for granted of your trust and devotion, but the tragedy is theirs, not yours. They missed out on a most precious gift. They had a taste of it, but they will never know the scope of your affection and devotion. But that’s ok, they didn’t deserve it, as they’ve shown you. Don’t let that deter you from giving your whole heart to those who do.

When you look in the mirror, stop focusing on the scars & flaws, they are there, but a small part of who you are. As with the thorns and curled leaves on a rose, the whole picture is created by God, so take it all in. Embrace yourself, you are the only you there is. A fingerprint, a precious diamond, with a heart of gold. Fear not, of what others think of you, they are just as flawed as you are. Do not come from a place of self destruction, self loathing, self defeating, but one of unconditional self love that you richly deserve. In spite of betrayals, botched circumstances, detours, you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now. Trust yourself and what you believe to be true. Pain and heartache have turned into the light of knowing how wonderful happiness feels. Heartbreak and loss has shown you how precious and extraordinary love really is. False love by impostors sheds clear light on the divinity of true love.

Do not pass judgment on the aspects of your personality that you may wish weren’t there, but embrace them as opportunity to learn from, for they are only a tiny fragment of your being. You, at your very essence are lovable, valuable, cherished, and worthy of celebration and total joy. So keep your heart open, and take it all in. Love yourself, unconditionally. You ARE worthy.

Love,
ME

Who Do You Think YOU Are??

Not so long ago, I was watching as Oprah explained and introduced the half sister she never knew she had. I found myself thinking what that must feel like. In much earlier posts I explained that my Dad was an abusive alcoholic, and has been estranged to me and my Son for 22 years, and was estranged prior to that as well, but in High School I looked him up. My Mom had said to me before, "I wouldn't be surprised if he had another family out there." This is why I found myself wondering what it's like to meet a sibling you didn't know existed. Ironically, in the middle of that episode, was a commercial for Marco Island & the Everglades, Florida, a place where my Dad had told me he spent his winters. I thought to myself, whoa, is this a sign from the universe? And if it is, I should act on it. So...I logged on to Ancestry.com, the next thing I knew, it was 5 p.m.! I only knew my Dad's Father's name, and wasn't certain of even that. Not too long after entering the both of them in my family tree, it brought up some hints for me to examine. Someone's family tree had my Grandfather listed as their father, and that was the only thing on their tree. I clicked on their info, and emailed them that their family may be related to me. By the next morning there was an email in my inbox, saying OMG, your Dad is my brother, you're my Niece! I didn't know my Dad had siblings.

Before the end of the next day we had exchanged phone numbers, and my 'new' Aunt called me. We talked about the family tree, and she told me that my Dad had 2 sons from a prior marriage, and that they were adopted by their Mom's 2nd husband, and she didn't know their names. I have 2 half brothers out there somewhere. I'm stunned, and now I'm second guessing so much of what I thought I was. I've grown up an only child, and now I'm not. Mind boggling to say the least. What do I do with this information now?

My little family has shrunken considerably in the past several years. I've lost my Mom's parents, the only Grandparents I ever knew, and a few years ago, my Mom passed away as well. When your Mom dies, you feel like an orphan, alone in the big world, with no one there. Yes, there are people around you, but in your core being, you feel that the last thread tying you down to earth was severed, and you could free fall at any moment.

My 'new' Aunt is very kind, and seems to be quite caring toward me. She wants me to come visit this summer, and I'm thinking about it. She has 6 daughters, and she said to me "You could be my other Daughter!" Which I found very heartwarming, but that's the emptiness of losing my Mom and feeling like my whole family is gone talking. But, I was more than happy for the kindness. It made me feel less alone. Now, I have this whole branch of a family that I never knew existed, it's a lot to take in. I'm finding myself wondering if I should look up the 2 half brothers. That would be difficult, I'd have to hire someone to research it, as I don't even have names. According to my Dad, "they didn't turn out too well." And that, coming from an abusive alcoholic who has alienated everyone, and has been estranged from his only Daughter and Grandson for over 20 years! So, I'm on the fence about looking for them. Not to mention, do they even know they're adopted. So many thoughts, so many questions, so few options.

Anyway, thanks to Ancestry.com and their 2 week free trial, I have found out about an Aunt & Uncles I didn't know I had, I've managed to search my family tree back to the mid 1800's, and found they immigrated from Germany and Ireland. And thanks to my 'new' Aunt, I've learned I'm not an only child, and that I am 9th cousin to Samuel Houston (who Houston TX was named after), and I am not only German, French & Irish, I'm also Choctaw Indian, and Prussian. All of this information learned in only a few days time. But my mind has been spinning for almost 2 weeks, and I anticipate longer. I thought I knew me, and it turns out, I'm someone else! Now, when someone asks how a German & Irish girl gets so damned tan, I can say that's the Choctaw Indian part showing. (Ironically, my house is full of Native American inspired art, prints by Maija & Marie Buchfink.)

So, now, I get to explore the 'new' me.

We are all the same

26 years ago, I was sitting at a friend’s house with a ‘new’ boyfriend, watching the bears win the Superbowl. I was new to the crowd, sitting back, observing the company I was in. Little did I know then, that 26 years later I would be sitting at that same friend’s house at another Bears party realizing that I’ve had the same circles of friends for over 25 years. That’s a long time. Not everyone gets the good fortune to stay in contact with friends from that far back, let alone see them often. I use circles in the plural form, because everyone has many levels of friends. The ones you see all the time, the ones you see a few times a year at parties, ones you see less than that, and then there are the siblings and family members of those friends. Circles within circles. As I was sitting around watching everyone and seeing how our kids have all grown, I realized we’ve all changed too. Over the years, every one of us has changed and the tables have all shifted.
There are always dynamics at play within circles of friends. The hot guy, the perky cheerleaders, the picture perfect pretty girls, the entrepreneurial guy with a load of cash that always had a lot of nice things and girls all over, the bad boys getting in fights all the time, the hard drinkers, the cocky dude, the couple that went out and got their first apartment before anyone else who had been together forever and seemed inseparable. All of these characters in this play called life.
A quarter century later I’m sitting around the table thinking about everything that has gone on with everyone in the room. We’ve all had life happen. The hot guys are graying with bags under their eyes, bigger foreheads, bigger bellies, the size zero picture perfect girls are a little wider than they used to be, as happens with having kids, some of those forever relationships are now less than happy existences and some have turned to bitter divorces, some keep on ticking, most of us are living within our means, some successfully, some not so much, the dangerous guys have settled down, quit drinking, became family men, the cocky dude might still be so, but we all know he’s had his turn. All of those people who seemed ‘untouchable’ are, for the most part, on the same level now. We’re all the same. Life has mellowed us all. Some of us appear to have aged better than others, but that’s only because some wear it on their faces, and some keep it under wraps in their hearts, but we’ve all changed. Life happens to us all. A little pearl of wisdom learned through living a few more decades that can be shared with generations, those people who you might feel are better than or more popular than you, they’re not. Time will take them down the same path that we all travel, and it will change them. For the most part, we are all the same.

From the Outside Looking In

From the outside looking in.
Everyone out there has a story, a reason, a set of circumstances that make them the individual that they are. Some people have had a lot of difficult times to navigate through, and are learning how to deal with them. To some, the difficult times have been recent and they’re just now learning to get past them, and to others, those times were ages ago and will haunt them, to some degree, the rest of their lives. We’ve all had trouble on some level or another. Some trouble is life altering, some trouble is a fleeting irritation that one can brush off and keep going. Everyone’s trouble is different, and how you perceive it from the outside looking in may not be the way it is at all.

Every trait in a person has it’s upside or downside. It’s how you focus on it that forms your opinion of that trait. Self confidence can be read as conceit or can be admirable. A person with a lot of knowledge or ideas can be seen as opinionated. If one is hard working and driven, one could see that as bossy, or self important. If one is happy go lucky, someone else might see immature, irresponsible. If one is responsible, one might think they are too serious, or lacking fun. Yet, if one is fun loving, one can see it as irresponsible. The flip side of moody is that a person feels deeply, loves deeply, and cares deeply. If someone loves with abandon, they can be seen as foolish, reckless, but some see it as giving their all to someone. Some see a person who would do anything for someone else as a weakness and some may use it to their advantage, meanwhile others seek out that very trait in a partner. Some people can’t see humor in sarcasm. Others don’t understand grief and pain because they haven’t experienced it on the deepest level yet. Just about everyone has lost someone dear to them, and loss hurts. The depth of the loss is in direct proportion to how and when they get past it.

Everyone has a different outlook on life, and it’s uniquely their own, it’s not one size fits all, and yours isn’t necessarily for me, nor mine for you. But that’s okay! We are an ever changing species, learning, experiencing, evolving, growing. If you judge someone based on things they’ve said, or their current disposition, you are shutting out every other piece of their personality. A person who has experienced a traumatic loss can be spiritually challenged on certain dates, or even for certain months. That doesn’t mean they are a miserable person, it means they’re doing the best that they can to ride it out, because they know it will pass eventually. One might see them as miserable, someone else might see it as an opportunity to give them love, and others may see nothing at all. It’s all a matter of perception. Your perception is as unique as a fingerprint, because only you are looking at the things and paying attention to the things you choose to see.

So, the conclusion here is everyone is different, and sees things differently. It doesn’t make them right or you wrong. It just means we can take a moment to stop, think, listen, try to put yourself in their place for a minute, but realize that you still can’t fully feel what they are feeling. Then apply your love to all the good you can find, and watch the less than desirables fade into the distance. Circumstances change, feelings come and go like the tide. Love is acceptance. A simple theory that isn’t always easy to follow, apply love and have faith.

Goodbye 2010, hello 2011

It’s been a while since my last post. It’s not because I haven’t still had a million thoughts running through my head, but because I’ve been a slacker, mostly. I’ve been finding a lot of things to keep me busy around the house since riding weather is gone, and I’ve been left to sit around & look at everything surrounding me. I refinished my counter tops, ripped out and re-caulked the tub, and I’m gearing up to tear down old wallpaper and paint. I really should get a job soon, before the whole inside of the house is torn apart!

I spent the day running errands, cleaning house, making my ‘traditional’ new years eve dinner of fillet & lobster. It is the last day of 2010, and, of course I’ve been looking back on this past year. It’s been interesting, that’s for sure. I started the year frustrated and stressed, walked out on my job in May, and in spite of the lack of income, I’ve had a pleasant, de-stressing and adventurous riding season, which led me into a somewhat calmer fall. Yes, I got sad and missed my Mom, as I always do in October, but this year, because I spent so much time truly savoring and enjoying the summer and life, I have been more ok with the changing seasons than I have been in a long time. I am more at peace.

I listened to a few Alicia Keys songs today, and they had me thinking a lot about life, and how it is and has been for me.

Life perfect
Ain't perfect
If you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past cause I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before
You ought to see me now

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned

-------------------------------------

Life is cheap, bittersweet
But it taste good to me

Take my turn, crash and burn
That's how it's supposed to be

So don’t rain on my parade
Life’s too short to waste one day

I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall
Yes it sure looks good to me

Time passed by leaves you behind
Take it naturally

Heaven knows There’s so much more
More than what we see

So don’t rain on my parade
Life’s too short to waste one day

I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall
Yes it sure looks good to me

And I feel like I’m seeing the world inside of me
But I can tell you that I know, it's getting easier to breathe,

There’s a cold in the morning, endless equation
Of who’ve we've become, it’s a complex situation

So live, love, life give love
Live, love, life, give love
Live, love, life, give love

So don’t rain on my parade
Life’s too short to waste one day

I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall
Yes it sure looks good to me
--------------------------------------------
Anyway, so, in spite of what appeared to be a setback, by losing income, I gained a new peace within myself. I’m not bidding good riddance to a bad year, but smiling because of the savor life moments I’ve been fortunate enough to notice and burn into memory. It’s just appreciation of the little things, really. But those little things have made a big difference in my state of mind.

I took a mental inventory last year, I plan on revisiting it at some point and noting the changes in me. But for now, I have decided to go into the new year not looking upon the past, but toward the future.

Another Alicia Keys song “All I know is everything’s gonna be allright”

The approach for this year…

1. Give thanks that life is... just as it is (and that it's been... just as it's been). Because of it, I’m now "READY."

2. Define what I want in terms of the end result. Don't worry about the hows, or even the course. KNOW that what I want is ALREADY mine in spirit, by divine LAW, to just focus on the certainty of this ownership, understand it, claim it, and "it will be on earth, as it is in heaven (spirit)."

3. LET THE UNIVERSE show me the way via my impulses and instincts that appear as I take inspired action. Don't worry that my first steps seem silly or futile. And if I don't know what to do, do anything! Go! Get busy! Do not insist on intermediary successes, only upon the end result.

2011 is going to be my year (it already is) and I’m really excited to see it unfold!

The Road Untraveled

Riding in November without chaps or heavy leathers, just a windbreaker and a sweatshirt. The unseasonably warm weather for the last 3 days in a row was great, I planned to fully take advantage of it. When I woke up today it was delightfully still mild, and the forecast had changed from 60’s and rain, to 70’s and sunny. Another day to savor the good stuff. It will be hard for me to find that good stuff when the world around me is frozen under it’s months long white blanket of stillness. A gift within a gift, that’s what today was. I chose to head south today, and savor every moment of the probable last ride of the year. I was taking mental note of everything I could and committing it to memory to keep me warm through the winter months while my baby sits blanketed in the dark garage until spring.

These past few days, it’s seemed as if I have been looking at my surroundings with new eyes, making it a point to travel down roads I hadn’t seen, and wondered where they led. I found myself amazed at the vast rolling farm land all around me. I grew up in Chicago and the South Suburbs, then moved slightly farther south for a while, where the area was speckled with small farms here and there, but mostly subdivisions, then moving farther still, to Indiana. I’ve lived in this area for over 15 years now, I’m well aware that I live in an agricultural area. I’ve encountered many a slow moving tractor, hay wagon, the occasional horse and rider traveling roadside, and of course the lovely fertilizer smells of spring and fall. But for some reason, lately, I’ve been rediscovering the beauty of the land. Apparently I’ve gotten really good at turning a blind eye, taking it all for granted. My observation ride led me past sheep, goats, horses, cows, dead skunk, and acres upon acres of farm land some recently cut down, and some freshly turned over and fertilized. Miles and miles of land, shades of brown and amber, vegetation in it’s final stages, rows of trees in the distance with leaves in all shades of brown, everything readying itself for the long Midwest winter nap knocking at our door. The sun was fabulously inviting, and the road was welcoming, even though I had no idea where I was going, or if I was going to get lost. For a while I was a little afraid, as some of the turns I took led me to less than ideal riding conditions. I wondered if I was making a mistake, and should I turn back to a familiar direction. I told myself to keep going a little while, and make that decision again if it didn’t get better. Each time I did that, the road seemed as if it then rolled itself out and led me to a more pleasant journey. Eventually I ran into the smoothest and most scenic road, that was miles and miles of beautiful new pavement. It seemed like it rolled on forever, and I was perfectly content to continue to see this road to it’s end. Before I knew it I was so far east, that I had never been that far away from home by myself. I couldn’t believe it. I hung a left at the next main road, but my eye still tried to reach further down that beautiful new blacktop, and my heart wanted to keep on going. But, alas, I had so many things to take care of yet today.

Heading back toward home, I rode down Veterans Memorial Parkway, a fitting day to be there, and I hadn’t intended on it. I knew there was a Memorial ahead so I looked for the turn off and I stopped there for a brief moment. It was the Lake County Indiana Korean War Veterans Memorial. I read each name listed there, noting if they were killed, missing, or had received honorable mention. It was a sizable list of names, yet they were only people from Lake County. I personally, did not know of anyone who served in Korea, my Grandfather served in England and Germany in WW2, he was a gunner. I hear they told them in training not to make any friends, because it was most likely that they would not make it. My Uncle joined the Marines after he graduated, but I’ve never heard him mention any of it before, I don't think he saw active duty. Even though this memorial did not have any personal meaning to me, these soldiers were important, and deserved a moment of my time to reflect, give thanks, and say a prayer. They paid the ultimate price so that I could be here today, so yes, it was personal after all.

The last few miles of my ride closing in left me feeling like I wanted to keep going, but I had many other things to get done, so I made myself continue on home. I knew that, no matter how many miles I was able to ride on this beautiful last day, it would never be enough. So, I gave thanks for the gift within the gift of this week, and smiled reflecting on my journey. I took a new path, not knowing where it would lead. Some of it was a little treacherous, but, trusting in my abilities, and my sense of direction, I relaxed and kept going forward. What I found was that if I continued forward instead of resorting to going back to familiar territory, if I trusted in myself and was reasonably cautious, that the shaky ground I was on turned into smooth sailing. I gained a little more confidence in myself with each mile, and found beautiful new scenery all around me. And all in all, it was a positive growth experience for which I was thankful.

Amen, I'm alive

I have had an adventurous summer this year, riding in 11 states, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Missouri, and Kansas. I think I’ve done fairly well being present and absorbing it all and committing it to memory. I call it my Enjoy Life Project, and think I did a good job. It hasn’t been all happiness and fun times. This year has had its serious challenges for sure. Early this spring I had a falling out with my best friend of over 25 years, not unforgiveable by any means, but the damage, in my opinion is irreparable. Only time will tell for certain. Over stressed and overwhelmed with the dynamic of management where I worked led me to walking out on a job that I loved dearly. It gave me a lot of free time to decompress and unload the negativity that was encompassing me to be free of the stress and do what I want, when I want.

I have found this to be a difficult past week for me. First, I stumbled upon a piece of unsettling news that had the potential to really shake my foundation of what I thought I knew. I tried not to let it take me over and lead me into a panic, but it did cause me to worry about my future. I also got news that yet another person that I knew had been tragically killed in a random accident, and taken from this world all too soon. I had written about my friend’s brother Michael being killed in a work accident in the spring, which caused me to dwell on what if you only had three days to live. Well, there I am again, thinking about mortality and time. I know we all think that way when we hear of someone’s passing, I’m nothing new. A girl that I sat with at Rider’s Edge Class, and had kept in touch through ladies’ rides and class reunions was tragically killed by a semi that ran a red light as she was driving home in the early hours of the morning. She got off work from bar-tending, spent the night at her boyfriend’s, and decided to get up early, drive her car home to get her books, and go to class. Kelle was 32 years old, and known by many for her smile, her laughter, and being vivacious and full of fun, and in a split second she was gone. If she hadn’t stayed the night at her boyfriends, if she hadn’t decided to go get her books, if she had waited just a few more seconds before she turned onto the highway, she would still be here. But, life is short, and it waits for no one. When it’s your time, it’s your time, and we don’t get to know in advance.

Her family had requested that riders attend her services, as a tribute to her love of riding. I committed to them that I would. I did ride to her wake to pay my respects. It was especially difficult, as this was the same place I had my Moms services a few years prior, and I hadn’t been back since. I spent the hour wait in line fighting off anxiety attacks. Dizziness, difficulty breathing, hot flashes, shaking, the need for air, the all encompassing gut feeling that the world is crushing you, and if you don’t get out, you will surely not make it. Couldn’t leave, I’d lose my place in line. I fought hard not to break down for a few reasons. I didn’t want to look stupid, because I wasn’t so close to her that I would be an emotional mess, and because I didn’t want to make this about me, it wasn’t fair, and because I refuse to be weak, dammit! My Rider’s Edge instructor and I were to ride in the funeral the next day. I had thought it necessary, because I didn’t think there would be that many bikes, but I found out that there were Fire Trucks, and the Freedom Riders attending, and my instructor was riding in with someone else, I started to wonder if I really should go, not having been so close to her. I ended up having an opportunity to spend some time with a friend that I rarely ever get enough time to see, and the weather was wonderful as well, so, after much consideration, I chose not to attend the funeral. I was glad that I had stayed and paid my respects the day before, and I chose to spend the time with a friend, and to take an unseasonably warm ride and to thoroughly enjoy doing what I love most, with God’s gift of a fabulous day. I don’t think Kelle would have disapproved.

Some time has passed since I’ve immersed myself in the joy of riding, due to having my bike in the shop for 3 weeks, and riding weather winding down for the season. I had started to forget how spiritual an experience riding really is. I always ‘know’ being in the wind is a whole body and soul experience, we all have heard people talk about what it feels like to ride. But with the time span between rides ever growing, the full effect of it fades away. It’s been 20 degrees warmer than normal for this time of year these past few days, I’ve been blessed with riding weather in November  and I’m lovin’ every minute of it while I can. There are a few roads that I’ve ridden past and thought, that looks interesting, I wonder where that goes. So, this time, I turned and went there, finding a beautiful new experience unfolding while I absorbed it all. A hilly and winding road, running through some wooded areas, with the sun in my face flickering past near leafless trees, and leading to vast, rolling farmland, some brown and harvested, some newly overturned and rich with heavy warm black earth. I could see the tree lines out in the distance with what seemed like a foggy mist blanketing their borders. Each time I came to a crossroad, I looked each way, then chose the most scenic direction. The air was rich with the scent of fallen leaves, the air was warm, yet crisp, as it is in the fall, and the sun was bright, almost blinding, blurring the edges of objects ahead of me, I could feel it’s warmth, but I could tell it was much farther away than what I had enjoyed all summer long. I felt a deep, comforting wave of peace overcome me in those moments. I could feel it in my bones, it started in my chest, and radiated it’s way down to my core, and I felt comforted and relaxed. It was different than the normal relaxation riding brings. Without being given a reason or proof, I felt that everything will be ok, that God and the Universe is beautiful and good, and that life for me is going to be just fine. I have no explanation, other than I was viewing the world with new eyes, as if I had never seen landscape like this before, and every inch of it amazed me. I have many concerns and worries in general, and this week in particular, but in that moment, something told me that everything will work out for the good and I am traveling the right road.

The lesson I’m taking away from this past week is, take that extra few seconds to look around you before you take that intersection, and pay attention to all of your seconds. Do what you have to do and what you should do, but make sure you find the seconds that make you happy and fulfill you as well. Life waits for no one, so don’t you wait for better timing, or better circumstances to go after your heart’s desire. Conceive it, believe it, and achieve it, and live life with fulfillment. It’s all happening now, reach for it, you CAN have it, and the universe wants it for you.
Singing Amen, I’m Alive