Attitude adjustment

Have you ever wished you had the nerve to get up and walk out on your job?
Well, today I did. I'm sure it was a step toward the right direction, however it has still left me sobbing like a big baby at the loss.

For those of you who are familiar with me or my blog, you know how much I've been bitching about my job lately. There are so many frustrating little things that I could go on for hours. I have, in fact, in my blog,

http://myheartsinarizona.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-hate-confrontation.html

go back and read for all the nitty gritty if you'd like, but I will try to sum it up quickly. I've worked there 3 years, and for 3 years I've been working my ASS off for them while others do nothing...literally. One texts or reads the paper, one chit chats it up with clients & ignore the phone, the other spitefully sits around reading a magazine to make me mad because she's unhappy that I get to tech instead of reception certain days of the week. I have been bitching about a lot of this for a long time, and came to the conclusion that if I cant change what's going on over there, then I can only change what I do. So I slowed down my work accordingly. And I got told well then your raise will reflect that. But then, everyone got the same pay raise, even the one that texts and reads the paper all the time and constantly leaves work unfinished.

Last week, the chit chat receptionist (aka office bitch) was doing nothing and I was working on documents, after I answered one call and pointed out that both phones were ringing said "yeah well that happens to me every morning." Bear in mind that this person will purposely put the phone lines on hold just so they don't ring. So, I did say Fuck You to her...not the most appropriate thing to say, but I was in back and I'd had enough. I'm a pretty tolerant person, I have to stuff down a LOT before I get beyond the breaking point. (I am so non confrontational, that I've taken time off and come in late just to avoid this crap.) And a couple days after that the office dipshit, sat and ate potato chips for half an hour just to spite me because I was working in back, and left for the post office without saying a word. When asked if she told me that she was going to the bank, she said "I'm not telling her shit." I told her she needs to start acting her age, not her teenage daughters.

So, today I get to work and there's a note in everyone's paycheck saying that there is a 'problem' with the cooperation, and blah blah cursing at others not tolerated, blah blah..(this note coming from boss's wife who's favorite word is Fuck...at kids birthday partys she's tellin people "I've got to take a fucking piss.")Seriously, if management would DO something about people instead of saying well, so and so is just so and so, just do your job and ignore them, then no one would get to the breaking point. Even their own niece is wanting out of there but is stuck because they pay her too much! And a note on the calendar that the afternhoon shift start an hour later than when I get there. Mind you, the boss's wife aka manager asked me to come in at that time so I could make my weekly hours.

So, I talk to boss, he says that cooperation should be mutual, blah blah, and that it's up to him to speak to others about what they do. And flat out told me that I don't do more than the others do. Which is totaly b.s. because I can prove it on paper, just invoices alone proves I get more people in and out of there, and do it MYSELF without someone having to babysit me. I told him that zen philosphy is fine about just do your job and nevermind, until neverminding cause you to be taken advantage of and dumped more work upon. I'm the one complaining about what's going on, so I'm the source of the problem? That's what it boils down to. And then when I brought up losing an hour every afternoon, and he flat out told me I don't do enough in that hour so it isn't necessary (Finding things to do in back to avoid the office bitch, and working on documents apparently doesn't qualify as work. Only if I'm doing someone else's job does it matter I guess.)At that point I lost it, and I walked out.

Ok, so I have had enough, and I'm removing the toxin from my spirit. Is it me against them? Am I making a bigger deal out of things like he insinuated? I'm expected to just let go of it, and do my job....That's what he said. I guess maybe on the surface it looks me agasint them....but if i've sucked up so much so that it wasn't, at what point am I not the source of the problem??

Am I?

Dear Mom

I have to do something that I don't want to do this Saturday. I have to celebrate Mother's Day. I have chosen not to since I lost my Mom a few years ago. I don't want to go out amongst those celebrating their Mom's. It's selfish, but I can't do it without reducing myself to a pile of tear filled tissues. But, my cousin had a new baby, and we have to get together this weekend. I'm dreading it. The emotions I'll have will be too hard to keep at bay. I'm pretty good at holding the pieces together, but I'm not sure I can this time. So, I thought maybe if I wrote a letter to my Mom ahead of time, it would maybe let some of the steam out of the pressure cooker...so here goes:

Dear Mom
I miss you so much there aren't words enough to say.
You were my hero and I didn't even know it. You were strong enough to leave an abusive relationship, not for yourself, but for me. You saved yourself because of your maternal need to save your child from harm. You were the original Working Single Mother. I am a Mother, and I cannot imagine the feelings and fears you must have had, worrying about bills and raising a child, all the while working downtown Chicago, making it on your own. I don't remember wanting for anything during those early difficult times, so you must have sacrificed so much for my happiness' sake. And for that I am eternally grateful. Single working Mothers were few and far between back in 1974, you were a trail blazer. You never remarried, and, as far as I know, never had another relationship after the divorce, so I can't even begin to fathom the lonliness you must have felt for those 30+ years. But I feel lonely and lost without you now, so I can imagine to a degree.

Mother's Day isn't the same without you. When I had to admit you to the nursing home, I almost had a mental breakdown right there in the hallway. Going there to have luncheons with you on Mother's Day and holidays, I thought I was sad then.

I am sad now, however it is a more profound feeling than just sad. It's a deep gaping hole in my heart...no, it's in my soul. There isn't much to our little family. Your brother who makes an appearance every couple of years, and your sister who tries to remember to call and check on me here and there, but has her own life with her new husband and new family. And of course, my Son, your Grandson...well, I hope that one day he comes around and decides he understands what he's doing and starts respecting himself and those around him. Maybe one day he'll come around and love his Mother again. I am truly sorry if I ever made you feel even a fraction of the disappointment or unhappiness that he has made me feel growing up. Aside from having a few friends you didn't approve of, and a snide remark here and there though, I think we were ok, right?

You've been gone 3 years now, and it still hurts like yesterday, I'm just better at stuffing it in than I was before. I still feel like I'm 5 years old and lost in the mall again. Only now, I know that there isn't anyone to save me. Right after you passed, my first words were, "Now what am I supposed to do." I meant about the whole nursing home, belongings, funeral, arrangements, etc...but also the who am I without you part too. No Dad, well not one that will ever be in my life, he's proven that...both Grandparents deceased, and no Mother....
Having your family leave one by one, feels like there are threads connecting you, holding you down to the earth, and each time one dies, a thread gets cut. Mom, when I lost you it felt like the last single thread holding me down to existence was cut, and I'm now floating aimlessly in space, unsure or unable to get to where I belong, and unable to find where I came from, and no one to reach out to show me the way.

I miss you....MISS...it's a insignificant little word...until now. Now I know better.

Anyway, another Mother's Day that I won't celebrate in the traditional way. I don't do that anymore. Too many people out there with their Mom's and Grandparents, happy and living...I'm happy for them, but I can't watch it, not on Mother's Day.
I will go do something that will make me 'happy'. But you and how much I miss you will never be off my mind.

I loved you, even when I didn't show it enough
I needed you, even when I pushed you away
And I miss you, and will miss you even when it's been too many years to count
Love,
Your Only Child

*note to my blog readers*
I share this letter with you, not only to share the thoughts in my head, but to remind you all to Love, Honor and Cherish your Mother, no matter what your circumstances with her are. Because when she is gone, it's all gone. You'll have a question about the family past, or some silly thing way before your time, and your first instinct will be I need to ask...and then..it will hit you...there isn't anyone left to answer that....that tidbit of trivia that you just pondered will never be answered, it's gone now. GONE
It's been years now, and that sort of thing still happens to me all the time.
The missing part....it is forever missing....your soul is missing a piece, and you will not get it back until you are reunited in the afterlife. Don't wait until then, to enjoy and savor what you have here and now while you still can
Happy Mother's Day

Broken

Once upon a time, I was a happy girl. I vaguely remember enjoying life...problem is, I didn't know then that I should be savoring every moment instead of being in a hurry to get to the 'goal'. The cheesy saying it not about the destination, it's the journey, it's so true.

When I was in school, I couldn't wait til I graduated. Once I graduated I couldn't wait til I found someone to spend my life with. Once I found someone who was serious about me, I couldn't wait to get engaged. When I got engaged, I couldn't wait til the wedding. When I got pregnant, I couldn't wait til the baby came. When the baby was a toddler, I couldn't wait til he went to school. All this excitement, happiness, eagerness to get to the next great thing. My focus was off. I don't remember the happiness...I was too busy working toward the goals living my life, marching forward, x'ing off day after day from my calendar and from my life.

All that good stuff on my list. Done that, check! And it was all checked off by the time I was 26. (21 if you don't count the years waiting for my son to start school as a goal to be counted down toward.) Spent all my time marching toward the goal not stopping to think if this was the goal I really should be achieving. Got the man, got the house, got the kid, 'perfect' suburban life. Caution, objects in this life are farther than they appear. Far from happy. Far from right.

I'm pretty good at stuffing it down and 'lying in the bed that I made' if you will.
It's not so bad, it could be so much worse. The problems I have pale in comparison to what other people are going through. I am thankful I have a nice house, new motorcycle, a decent paying job, a healthy son, and too many of life's little luxuries to count. I have SO much.

I've posed this question before: At what point does focusing on the positives become fooling yourself into believing you could be happy like this? Because I tell myself all the time that I have a nice life, and I can be content. I am a passionate person...my feelings run deep and strong. When I love, I jump in with both feet and give my everything, all I have, and all I AM. I gave up my identity.
When I work, I give all I that I am capable of, and am always trying to be capable of more. Then I let my work define me. To my friends, I give everything I can whenever they need. I am a people pleaser.

I have given away all of me, and put everyone else's needs and feelings before my own. It's a selfish thing to want more than what you have now. It's selfish to put my foot down and think of myself first. Or is it? I'm pretty sure I know what it is that would make me happy and enjoy life again. But, at what point are you allowed to do what makes you happy, if it means others around you will not be?

I'm even dissatisfied with the content of this blog as I am writing it. I prefer more organization, and more logic and solution...a neat closure. I can't close this in a neatly tied package, because I don't have the answer. My thought process is as broken as I am. I'm a fixer, and I have this overwhelming and obsessive desire to FIX this broken me. But all I'm able to do right now is keep gluing the broken pieces back in place and going about my business delicately so as not to knock them all to the ground.

Recharged

The tattoo above is the newest addition to my ink collection. The 'M' stands for my Mother's side of the family. My uncle is the last male in our family with the last name Miller, and he had a daughter. So there, on my wrist, for the whole world to see, is the indelible remains of a family that I hold dear to my heart. I have included it in an addition on my post "Inked, how much is too much", but I thought I would put it here, just to reiterate what has been on my mind these days...with Mother's day coming and all, it's on my mind even more than usual.

I've just returned from a wonderful trip to see old friends. A TRUE vacation indeed. I actually RESTED, absorbed, ENJOYED. I feel recharged.

As you all know, dear readers, I've mourned the passing of my Mom for 3 years and counting. And you know that my so called Dad (aka alcoholic abuser) has been out of my life since I was 7 and my Mom took me away in the middle of the night with just the clothing on our backs.

Rewind to the past:
I was born and lived in Chicago until I was 7 years old. As a small child, my best friend in the world was, of course, my next door neighbor who was a little over a year older than me. My fondest childhood memories contained sitting at the neighbor's dinner table eating home made flour tortillas, jumping on the bed, watching Wizard of Oz on a tiny little black & white tv, swinging on my swingset while the scent of pine sol wafted from the windows of the next door neighbors house directly behind my jungle gym.

My next door neighbors were the Garcia's. Danny was my best friend, and he had a much older (16 years) brother and sister. Our Mom's were close friends back in the day. When we moved away, our Mom's still tried to get us together to spend time, but it was difficult, because Danny's Mom didn't drive, and my Mom wouldn't go near the house in fear of my Father's abusive tendencies. We did make it out for lunches to White Castle, where Danny used to tease me because I could only eat 1 hamburger. (For those of you not in the midwest or without knowlege of 'sliders'..they are little square hamburgers smaller than the palm of your hand. And they usually come with gastrointestinal consequences, a slider hangover, if you will.) We played in the park, rode bikes on the trails, ate donuts at Huck Fin's. But, after Dad bashed in the front and rear windows of the crappy little car Mom got in the divorce settlement (which was ALL she got, he made sure of that), we moved farther away to the far south suburbs. Too far away for visits, and my Mom was very busy working downtown and supporting a child as a single mother.

Now fast forward to the present:
One day, I decided to check into my classmates.com profile, as it had been many months since I had been there, I notice a message in my inbox. Low and behold there was a hello from my old bestest pal, Danny! I could not believe my eyes! But it had been there since December, and it was now May! I responded with great enthusiasm, and hoped that he had not given up on me. After a couple days he responded with equal excitement. We chatted back & forth via email, and invited me to visit him and his Mom in Texas for her 81st birthday party. At first I politely declined his gracious invitation to stay at their house. After a couple days of thinking about how our Mom's were close, suddenly I burst into tears and felt like I had the opportunity to reach out and grab a little bit of my happy past, and a little tiny piece of my Mom as a result. Unsure how successful the reconnection would go, I visited for only a long weekend. Little did I know, when I got there, it was as if we had never skipped a beat. I loved spending time with his family. I actually got to hear stories about my Mom and my Dad too. As often happens with bitter divorces, the good details get shoved into a corner while all the negatives stand in the foreground for all to see and remember. Dan's siblings told me how much my Dad worshiped me, and gave me everything my little heart desired. I was, indeed, a spoiled Daddy's girl. (But, don't forget, still petrified of the abusive alcoholic all the while.)It was nice to hear their recollections, and I got to find out a few things about myself in the process. i.e. My Dad created the unloading ramps at the train yard for all the cattle, out of railroad ties and strong building materials. He was a master at creating solutions and ideas. (I had the ah hah moment of 'that's why I'm so handy, and always looking for ways to make things easier or better.) Dad was an inventor. Something that was rarely, if ever, disclosed by my Mom, or Grandparents. They hated him...and for good reason. I cried like a baby when I left, I had gotten a little piece of my childhood and my Mom back, and I didn't get enough time with them.

I went back again just last week and stayed for a whole week this time. We did pretty much NOTHING (no actual events, no actual plans) the whole week. It was the best 'nothing' I've done by far! We dined out daily on some absolutely awesome food, ran a few errands, jet skiing on the river on Sunday, sat on the patio by the pool...and talked. We never really ran out of anything to say! I slept better than I have in YEARS...and that's a big deal for me...not only because I'm an insomniac, but because I can NOT sleep ANYwhere but my own bed! And there I was, falling asleep within 30 minutes, and sleeping for at least 8 hours straight! UNHEARD OF! (for me, anyway!) I cannot stress the fact that I absolutely LOVE spending time with them....and when it was time to leave....the only thing I could get out through the tears of goodbye was thank you SOOO much, and I LOVE you!

There I was crying like a fool going through security check at San Antonio airport. I was sad....but happy. Depleted but Recharged. Lonely again, but reunited.
My spiritual batteries were recharged, and I felt peaceful again.

After the last disasterous 2 months, I cannot stress enough how badly I needed this feeling! In your life, some people come, some people go.... Good riddance to those who come only to get what they need and then leave, or those who choose to hurt you instead of FIX things....and the ones that go and come back are truly VERY special indeed!

Life has it's ways of draining and depleting us, but the Universe, and God fill you back up. I still believe that this is my year.....I will finally get to be the me that I know I am...fulfilled, happy, loving, and joyful...I'm looking for that open door...so come on.....BRING IT!

It was really a fulfilling trip for me. As a child, my family used to call me Shari, which, as I grew older, I didn't like. But, now that I have so little family left, hearing Danny & his Mom all call me Shari, it warms my heart :)


So I've decided I should post some of my restful, peaceful, spirit recharging pictures with this blog. Enjoy!

The Salt Lick BBQ in Driftwood, TX....a meat lover's paradise! http://www.saltlickbbq.com/

Spent the afternoon picnic & jet ski on the Guadelupe River

Canyon Lake in New Braunfels TX

Words as weapons

Words spoken in anger are the sharpest most dangerous of weapons in your arsenal. Some are deserving of unfriendly fire…not many, but some.
When speaking with someone you know inside and out, someone you care about, you need to tread lightly, because you know every single thing that will hurt them the most, and they’ve trusted you enough to let you in to gain that knowledge. Anger is not an acceptable excuse to say what you want. To hell with the consequences, I’m ANGRY!
Sure people say some things they don’t mean when they’re angry, but I’m talking about reaching way down deep, fully knowing this is the one thing you can say that will damage them the most…the knock em on their ass so they won’t get back up factor. It’s inexcusable!

I’ve recently had a falling out with someone that was a dear friend. It started out as an ‘I’m not speaking to you and you’re not speaking to me’ situation. And, as I know this friend well, I’m sure they were convincing themselves of every negative thing that they were assuming about the situation, so after several weeks I tried to clarify. I chose my words with care. I edited and re-edited everything that I thought would sound like pointing fingers, assuming, judging, and anger. The subject was still touchy, even written carefully. I concluded the email with I hope that this is just a misunderstanding our both our parts, or that it’s a passing phase.

Well, as I feared, the backlash was wicked. My ‘friend’ came back with a vengeance, pointing every sharp finger, every dagger of a word, finding the very things that would hurt the most. The damage is irreparable. I emailed back that the words were intentionally cruel and that I would not engage in that kind of fighting, because that’s not how you talk to someone you supposedly care about. Three more emails later, I had to put said person on my blocked list. The final straw was the email titled it’s all about you, you won’t listen to anyone. Not true, I heard everything, in fact I’ve heard it to the point it keeps echoing through my head over and over. I do not want to let this kind of stressful negativity into my head, it’s toxic. I have plenty going on in my life, I don’t need any more to feel bad about. I’m smart enough to know when there is a no win situation, and to back away. So, my final email said, ok, you’re right, I’m wrong, I’m sorry. You win, are you happy now? I wish you nothing but the best, goodbye.

I’m not the first casualty of wicked words in this person’s life. They are excommunicated from in-laws because of bitter angry statements. It was a very bad situation, however if there was a filter between the angry thoughts and the words coming out of their mouth, it wouldn’t have ended that way. So, I’m added to the casualty list now.

Even if said person were to apologize, the damage is so deep, nothing will ever be the same. I cannot continue a close personal friendship with someone that I have to be afraid to voice my opinion or get upset by something they do. That’s how this started. My ‘friend’ was doing something very wrong, but had the nerve to call me out on something else, and I got angry and stepped back. My stepping back was interpreted as rudeness and negative, and that lead to the not speaking and the self convincing. I reached out to point out what the root of the problem was that made me upset, and the rest is sad history.

So, the moral of the story here is be careful with the words you use around those you love. Everyone says things in anger, but when you go down the path of finding every single thing that will hurt them the most, you need to prepare yourself for the worst. Once you’ve wounded someone to the core, the relationship has been forever changed.

Crossroads

Well, here I am, at a crossroads of my life, waiting to find out which direction I will take. My mind is racing, more than usual, about how to approach this particular situation.

Those of you who have read my blogs, already know the ridiculousness that is my work place. For those of you who haven't read my previous rantings about my work, let me try to get you up to speed. I work at a place where management keeps an out of sight out of mind philosophy. Wife spends the money before the bills get there, then complains we don't make enough money to pay the bills and demands we raise our prices. Wife used to work in the office, but hasn't in over 4, and has no clue how busy it has gotten. Boss is so busy he has no clue what's really going on.

I work with several coworkers...let me introduce you to the cast of characters...
Woman A was hired 28 years ago when it was a sleepy town, knows everyone and everything, used to work alongside boss' wife, feels that because she has been here so long, she deserves special consideration, and works at the speed of a disabled snail. Refuses to multitask, constantly running around harriedly asking for help, putting phones on hold just so they don't ring, sabbotaging everything she can to try to make herself feel more important.

Woman B is a dipshit who stares into space, makes idiotic mistakes, is completely clueless, has driven past and forgotten to pick up her own daughter who was standing across the street waiting for her. She is spiteful and will do something just because if someone else can do it, so can I. She constantly calls boss' wife to complain about EVERYTHING.

Woman C was hired to clean and work in back, however because woman A is incapable of actually handling the front desk, she has to babysit her. However, Woman C is very skilled at finding the plae where the least amount of work is going on, to plop herself down and avoid her actual job of cleaning. Oh, and when I got sick beginning of the year, I was told I couldn't have my paid sick days yet because it wasn't my 'start date' yet, but i've been there 3 years and this issue wasn't a problem when I got sick in Jan last year, and that year I was reduced to 2 sick days a year....and then Woman C got sick, went into the hospital...and they paid her TWO WEEKS sick time.

Girl D is the daughter of Woman C, she has her mother's work ethic. She is 19, going to college, and likes to do her homework on company time. She takes twice as long to do things as the disabled snail because she reads every newspaper before she lays it down to line the kennels with, and she texts on her phone all day long. She has become an expert at timing the 'do you need any help' question perfectly so that the answer is No. And Girl D gets paid doubletime to work on sunday, and takes 3 hours to do the work that can be done i half the time. But management won't fire Girl D because she is the daughter of Woman C and she's so important to the office...HAH

Then there's me....I'm not usuall one to 'toot my own horn' and brag about my capabilities. But in this case, I must. I have a strong work ethic, I take pride in being of assistance, being crucial and good at what I do. I'm always looking for ways to make things better, easier, more professional. I bust my ass at this job. I have proven on paper that I handle 2 to 4 times the workload the other people do there. And, as a result of being a good worker, I'm always the one the boss comes to when he wants something done, he bitches to me and at me, because he knows that i will give a shit and actually do something about it. Being responsible and capable is no longer a bonus it is a drawback. I've complained about what's going on there to no avail. So, as a result of no progress, I decided if I can't beat 'em, join 'em. I slowed my work and my ambition and caring for the job down. I was pulled aside and told that it would reflect on my raise. Well....when raise time came, guess what...NO one got raises because there wasn't enough money coming in...BUT..they gave bonuses...and EVERYone got the same bonus, because they 'didn't want to make anyone mad'. And then, after complaining they had no money, proceeded to gut their kitchen and completely remodel it because wife needed a new dishwasher, and the dishwasher also had matching stove, fridge, range, etc, so they remodeled. Ok, seriously...as a buisness owner and employer, it IS your right to do whatever you want with your income...but if you're going to tell your employees you have no money, you should probably keep the remodeling information on the down low!

The problem is, what I do is my passion, and I get paid fairly well to do it. However, Woman A and Woman B are getting paid $3.50 and $2.50 respectively more than I do. Yes, longevity has it's merits, however so do capabilities and contributions to the business. I take the initiative to get things done, and make things better. I'm the only computer literate person there, so my skills help them keep track of pricing, and I make all of the internal documents.
I am at my wit's end beating my head against a brick wall trying to get anything to change. The workplace is causing me migraines and loss of sleep. ALL of the frustrations I have can be solved with one simple action. Pay me in accordance to my work, and when the others don't do their jobs, or can't handle the workload, I can shrug it off and say to myself, I get paid more than they do, whatever.

I've been offered a job in a medical office...something I've never done before, but am not afraid to try. But, having had the luxury of working where my passion lies, I'm afraid that the other job will not make me happy. It will, however give me excellent exprience and marketability in the workforce. It will be more hours and only slightly more money than what I get now. But it's twice the drive, and I will not get any animal discounts anymore, and I have 3 dogs and 1 cat, half of whom are on medication or prescription diets. I completely love what I do, I completely hate the situation I work in.

I'm going to ask for a $5 an hour raise to compensate for the imbalance in workload and productivity, but I'm fairly certain they will laugh in my face. I will end up telling them either the work gets evened out, or the pay does, and if not, I'm gone.
But I'm trying to figure out which way to go about the conversation.
Me...I've been offered another job and it's twice what I make now, so either I need $5 an hour more, or I'm gone.
Boss, hahahah are you out of your freakin mind? sorry
or
Me....bitch my ass off about how bad it is there and how unfair the workload and expectations are, and explain adnauseum why I'm so frustrated and unhappy, and ask for the raise and see what happens....
Boss...well...blah blah blah, blow smoke up my ass..blah blah, the usual crap

and as if that wasn't enough...the place is on the brink of going computerized, and I would be the ONLY person who knows all aspects of the program, and could save them $700 a day for inhouse trainers to come down...which puts me in a pretty sweet position....but the problem with that is, the new job offer is NOW, and the computers are weeks away....

Dear Universe, Dear Lord, Dear Readers....help me out of my own little Hell!

Screw it, let's ride!

Anticipation is making me wait…
Patience has never been my strong suit. I seem to always be in a hurry to get to the next step, the next achievement, the next event.
I am chomping at the throttle to get this bike on the road with the new unbling on it. Not that it makes a difference in the way the bike rides, but it does make a difference in the way it makes me smile.
The ONE place where I make it a point to slow my mind and savor every moment that I’m experiencing is when I’m riding. It’s not the destination, it’s the ride is so true. Feel the wind, the sun, listen to the bike, hear the wind in your ears, FEEL the experience. It’s ecstasy on wheels!

I was contemplating today that there are so many different views on spending your time. Mostly I was thinking about it in regards to riding.
Living in the Midwest, where the riding season is really only May through September if you’re lucky, and working weekdays, every weekend without rain is precious. Now, granted, I do not have small children, so those people would not fall into the category I am in, because time with your children is far more precious than anything.
My summer weekends are a fleeting commodity, and the closer it gets to the end of summer, the more greedy and stingy I am with them. Last year my niece’s bridal shower was a weekend in July. I chose to ride instead. Now some of you may find this very selfish, and you are entitled to your opinion, but first listen. It had been a crappy riding year, a lot of rain and cooler than normal temperatures. The niece was not a child I’ve been close to, and I did send them a very nice gift. I am certain she did not say to herself, damn, I wish my Aunt Sharon was here today. Hardly. My theory was, I am not wasting an entire day sitting at a bridal shower wearing uncomfortable girlie clothes, watching someone unwrap gifts, eating catered food sitting at a table of people I don’t really know or probably even like, when I could be one with my bike, soaking up the summer sun, perhaps discovering roads I’ve never traveled before. Selfish? Maybe. The older I get, the less I care what people think about me.


I have friends that say they’ll go with me on a poker run, only to bail out at the last minute because they have something else they need to do. Those people are in the ‘other’ category. Those who feel that their time is also precious, but there are many things they need to accomplish or experience, and that spending the day wandering roads and putting miles on for no reason other than to waste a day, is a waste of their time. The direct opposite of me. I’m not saying they’re wrong, or I’m right. To each his own.

So, mid June I have another wedding to attend. This time, a nephew. Another child I’ve spent very little time with. Only this time it will be an entire weekend because the event is in southern Illinois. A long drive there, an overnight at a hotel, and a long drive home. A commitment to which I don’t want to tie myself down, I’d rather be riding, weather permitting. I cannot send the response card in saying we’ll see what the weather is, if it’s shitty, I’ll gladly attend, but if it’s nice, I’m riding. They wouldn’t understand (they don’t ride). So my dilemma is to commit or not to commit. I’m sure the message it sends to family if I don’t attend a wedding would be a negative one, but as I said, the older I get, the less I care what others think about me! My happy medium I suppose would be to ride to southern Illinois, weather permitting. But I can’t ride to a wedding in girlie clothes and walk in with biker hair…so I will have to ask to hitch a ride with someone. I would still much rather send them a nice gift, stay at home, with my riding friends, spending my precious time the way I want. I am selfish, I know this.

The shortest distance between two points…..is for people who don’t ride! Life is short….screw it..Lets RIDE!