Timing is EVERYTHING

For a while now, I’ve been watching my life path drifting away from where it once was. I’m not so sure if that path is drifting away from me, or I’m drifting off the path that I THOUGHT was where I should be going. I suppose it’s a little of both. Either way, it’s got me contemplating everything. I’m a chronic analyst. I think about everything, all the time. I’m one of those people who feels like if all the angles are covered, I’ll understand it all, and be better able to work with the plan. I’m a fixer, a doer, a fighter (not combative, but fighting for what I believe and for what I love). Yes, I’m a control freak, in the sense that I like to keep myself in control, in check, if you will, and when I lose it, it upsets me greatly. I try to leave no stone unturned, so that, in the end, I can rest on the fact that I did everything I could have possibly done. I’m always thinking at least one step ahead of right now. You would think that would have gotten me somewhere further than where I am by now, wouldn’t you? But, I am starting to feel like my drive to FIX it, might be driving me right into the unfixable.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m reevaluating every decision I ever made. The heart and eyes that I possess now contain more experience than ever, and are causing my mind to revisit my past and try to figure out what happened then, who I thought I was, what’s happening now, who I have become, and where do I go from here. My fear of the unknown is a big problem when it comes to navigating the unsolved puzzle of life. The unknown has brought me so many things, many of them for which I am grateful. Life also has brought an ample supply of ‘blessings in disguise’. I realize that they have made me stronger, but the struggle to climb through them has not been my favorite part, to say the least. I’ve had enough of that, I don’t want to go back there. I’m looking for my happy ever after. Aren’t we all! I’m not delusional, I realize that no one is always happy all the time. That’s not what I’m talking about, not at all. I’m wondering where do I go from here…I’m not a ‘let’s flip a coin kind of person’, never have been. I know who I want to be, and what makes me feel like that person.

Problem is, the view of the path to get there is obstructed. What to do…cut down the forest in front of me and trudge forward with fierce determination without regard for the no see’um critters that may be lurking?… take the time to gather the supplies (so much time has gone by already), build the ladder, climb to the top of the wall to get a better view (I’ve already bloodied my head beating it up against a wall plenty, to no avail)……or bust that fucker down with the biggest sledge hammer I can find? What to do, what to do?

Anticipation...is making me.........crazy~

It’s the middle of April…

The weather has been taunting those of us who prefer the 2 wheel mode of transportation, and especially tormenting for those of us who rely on such for therapy.

The sweet song of the wind in our ears is soothing to our souls, and after a long winter, those souls are sorely in need. It’s been an agonizingly long winter, but the grass is finally turning green, the sun looks so inviting (when it’s out), and our bikes are calling our names. I swore I could hear mine whimpering from under her blanket all winter, hidden in the dark, cold recesses of the corner of the garage. As if riding weather wasn’t anticipation enough, there’s race season to add to it. I made my official drag racing debut at the FINAL race of the season in Bowling Green KY last September. Baptism by fire, having my first race in the AMRA Fall Finals, and the beginning taste of a potential full-fledged addiction. I found something else totally enticing and addicting too…watching the guys hover around my bike brainstorming about what they can do to make it go FASTER. Oh YEAH, gimme whatever you have in mind, and let’s GO RACING!

The days are getting longer, the sun closer, and the temperatures warmer, and I’m itching to get out there and savor a new season’s worth of moments. Only one problem…my bike is in the shop. It’s all good though, she’s getting fitted with nitrous and a quick shifter! I don’t have a problem with the bike being in the shop, it’s a GOOD THING. I’m just sitting here, on pins and needles, with, not only the anticipation of riding season, not only a new full racing season, but brand new TOYS! OMG, I will be riding a Night Rod Special with NITROUS!! That’s some crazy ass shit right there!

I feel like I’m going to burst with excitement. I know that the job at hand is being completed with the utmost of meticulous care and precision and is all but complete. I am sure it will be ready to be sent for tuning any day now. All good things come to those who wait, so I’m trying my best to wait patiently…and for those of you who know me, that’s a BIG DEAL, cuz I’m lacking in that patience department. I’m a bundle of cheesy grins and nerves all wrapped up in eager anxiety, and it feels good to me.

I can’t wait for the payoff, to see how much time we can trim off my ¼ mile, to qualify for more divisions, to see the smiles on the faces of ‘my crew’ who helped accomplish it. So, in advance, in case I pee my pants with excitement (or fear) and miss the prime opportunity, a big fat THANK YOU to Steve & Brian for slapping this big cheesy Cheshire cat grin on my face already! U ROCK!

Leaps, bounds, and thousandths of seconds at 108+mph

Measuring my growth by the foot, and in thousandths of a second at 100+ mph.


This past weekend was an event that has been counted down to by many for months….the season opener of the 2011 AMRA Drag Racing. Long awaited, and eagerly anticipated, like children counting down to the last day of the school year. We’ve all been making our plans and preparations for ‘next year’ over the winter, and now, ‘next year’ is finally here.

The weather forecast was less than ideal, and many of us were opting out of the expense of traveling when the odds of being able to race weren’t in our favor. The whole week prior to leaving was a mental tug of war. We’re going, check the forecast, we’re not going, check the forecast, we’re going, we’re not going. And then just as I was sure the final decision was made, a last minute phone call…'get ur shit together, we’re goin’ racing'! And I was off and running like the proverbial headless chicken, but I got all my gear and we packed the truck tight & hit the road. 350 miles of anticipation, with crossed fingers and high hopes.

The turnout was pretty small, the temperature was a chilly 49 degrees and windy with cloudy skies, but we managed to get test n tune and several time trial runs in before the skies opened up on us and sent the whole pit scurrying to bring their 2 wheeled babies in for cover. Right from the start, I felt fairly pleased at my re-entry into my racing endeavor. The last time I took a stab at this, I was a bundle of nerves, and trying to keep at bay the internal self talk that wanted me to turn and run for my life. I noticed that now, instead of the shaking, the heart pounding in my chest and up into my head, and the Darth Vader-like breathing from inside my helmet from my first experience, I was a bit more composed, and dare I say somewhat comfortable. I’ve been through this once before, now I know where I should be, and what I’m supposed to do, the absence of uncertainty was of great comfort to me, and allowed me to relax a little. Of course I was a bit nervous when I rolled up to stage the first time, but it was more anxiety than it was fear. An eager anxiousness . It only took a couple times at the tree before I felt reacquainted with my reaction timing, and before I knew it, I had broken my personal best time, in spite of it being a bit of a slick track.

Sunday was gloomy and we were determined to squeeze the rest of qualifying and eliminations in before the impending rains came again. Even though it seemed scurried at times, it went pretty well. There weren’t a ton of bikes, so I seized the opportunity to get as many passes in as I could. It was cold, and even with my heated grips cranked up, my fingers were getting numb, but I was determined to get as much in as I could. I felt like I was hitting a nice groove, content…frozen, but settled. I basically just turned laps, until my fingers began to sting from being so cold. I guess I just didn’t notice how cold they really were until they started to burn. Somehow, I managed to break my personal best twice! Before this weekend, the fastest I had ever run was a 12.34 at 107mph. Saturday I hit a 12.28 at 108mph, but I red lit, so I didn’t get a results ticket. Sunday, I broke the NEW personal best, and ran a 12.27 at 108.84 mph. I knew it was a good run, I FELT it. I was wide open, shifting at the right time, feeling the force of the wind pushing my helmet, throttle pinned down, not letting up at all and I was in front of the bike in the next lane. It was SWEET. Exhilarating doesn’t even begin to describe it. I entered myself in two classes. In the class with the faster bikes, SE class, I resign myself to the fact that I’m only doing it for seat time. The field is large and the bikes are about a full second faster than me, and I know I pretty much don’t stand a chance. But, it’s good to have track time for practice. Well, I’ll be damned, I ALMOST made the field! I made 1st alternate in SE class. Yes, it’s the fastest among the ‘losers’ as some might look at it, but hell, that was closer than I had gotten before! I was told to line up next to the field and be ready just in case someone doesn’t make it. I watched one of the competitors roll his bike out of line and I instantly got that shaky, hard to breathe, chest pounding case of nerves, oh my God, I could have to go up there!!! Stay cool, breathe slow, focus, you can do this. Then they got the other bike started so I didn’t get to run. But that’s fine, I was happy to be farther up the list than I had ever gotten.

I almost missed my class, everything was out of order, and a little chaotic, I had to scurry to get myself to the staging lanes at the last minute. Gave myself the ‘if you wanna be a big dog, here you go, get off the porch’ talk, and went over a little mental check list. “Gloves, jacket zippers, seat position, CHECK! Did some self reminders: throttle pinned down, shift, then see where the bike in the next lane is, remember this time, roll out a bit if you’re ahead so you don’t break out!!!” I had been feeling pretty good about the experience so far…until I got to the line, watched the tree light up and got just a little tiny bit too eager to roll…and red lit! Grrrrr!!!!

So I screwed up when it counted most…I beat myself up about it for a little while, over analyzing every little detail. But then I made a mental list of the progress I had noted in the past two days. It may have only been in thousandths of seconds, but in drag racing, every fraction matters. I got myself down into the 12.2’s, made 1st alternate in SE class. I was able to run the whole track with the throttle pinned wide open. I rode out some slick and squirrely launches, where as before, I would react out of intimidation and let off. I got to talk to a few fellow racers, and was again, impressed by the feeling of family. I was complimented, and asked if I had raced anything before, and that really meant a lot to me. One of the spectators gave me a thumbs up when I rolled up to the line, I had no idea who she was. I broke my personal best, and I didn’t let fear get the best of me. It might have only been tiny fractions of improvement, but it was leaps and bounds as far as I'm concerned. I measured up better than before, and that was good enough for me.

Have you ever spent the best time of your life with the one you LOVE the most and you just want to live in that moment forever? Yeah, it's like THAT!

I can’t wait to do it all again, come on June!!!!

Mistaken

Do not mistake …
my tears for weakness,
I may cry when I’m overwhelmed, but I am strong
My smile for happiness or my straight face for lack thereof
I may smile when I’m uncomfortable, or when filled with love
My needing you for selfishness
I may allow myself to need you, but I know my worth
My willingness to put you first for selflessness
I pick you because you bring me joy, but I can change my mind if necessary
My high tolerance for being a doormat
My tolerance level is equal to the amount of love and caring I feel from you
My loving you above all else for being a pushover
I love you as much as you love me, and if there is imbalance, I can reevaluate
My choosing you above all for lack of choices
I CHOOSE you because you make me feel important too
My silence for anger or unhappiness
I quietly reflect all I feel, the good and the bad
My eagerness to give all of me for foolishness
I see more than you know, and feel more than I show

Give all, but be all, to deserve love is to have earned love
Welcome it, cherish it, but most of all, nurture it
And never ever be neglectful of

Love Letter

Dearest
As you’ve had your reasons, your friends, and family, and loves have proven themselves to be fleeting at times, you’ve gone through too much of your life believing you are not good enough.
I’m writing to tell you that you’re right, you’re NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You are so much better than just good enough!

You, my dear, are a precious gem, with a beautiful loving heart. I know it’s been broken, and you have your guard up, but your love is grand, and it deserves to be shown. You may have been hurt by those who have taken advantage or for granted of your trust and devotion, but the tragedy is theirs, not yours. They missed out on a most precious gift. They had a taste of it, but they will never know the scope of your affection and devotion. But that’s ok, they didn’t deserve it, as they’ve shown you. Don’t let that deter you from giving your whole heart to those who do.

When you look in the mirror, stop focusing on the scars & flaws, they are there, but a small part of who you are. As with the thorns and curled leaves on a rose, the whole picture is created by God, so take it all in. Embrace yourself, you are the only you there is. A fingerprint, a precious diamond, with a heart of gold. Fear not, of what others think of you, they are just as flawed as you are. Do not come from a place of self destruction, self loathing, self defeating, but one of unconditional self love that you richly deserve. In spite of betrayals, botched circumstances, detours, you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now. Trust yourself and what you believe to be true. Pain and heartache have turned into the light of knowing how wonderful happiness feels. Heartbreak and loss has shown you how precious and extraordinary love really is. False love by impostors sheds clear light on the divinity of true love.

Do not pass judgment on the aspects of your personality that you may wish weren’t there, but embrace them as opportunity to learn from, for they are only a tiny fragment of your being. You, at your very essence are lovable, valuable, cherished, and worthy of celebration and total joy. So keep your heart open, and take it all in. Love yourself, unconditionally. You ARE worthy.

Love,
ME

Who Do You Think YOU Are??

Not so long ago, I was watching as Oprah explained and introduced the half sister she never knew she had. I found myself thinking what that must feel like. In much earlier posts I explained that my Dad was an abusive alcoholic, and has been estranged to me and my Son for 22 years, and was estranged prior to that as well, but in High School I looked him up. My Mom had said to me before, "I wouldn't be surprised if he had another family out there." This is why I found myself wondering what it's like to meet a sibling you didn't know existed. Ironically, in the middle of that episode, was a commercial for Marco Island & the Everglades, Florida, a place where my Dad had told me he spent his winters. I thought to myself, whoa, is this a sign from the universe? And if it is, I should act on it. So...I logged on to Ancestry.com, the next thing I knew, it was 5 p.m.! I only knew my Dad's Father's name, and wasn't certain of even that. Not too long after entering the both of them in my family tree, it brought up some hints for me to examine. Someone's family tree had my Grandfather listed as their father, and that was the only thing on their tree. I clicked on their info, and emailed them that their family may be related to me. By the next morning there was an email in my inbox, saying OMG, your Dad is my brother, you're my Niece! I didn't know my Dad had siblings.

Before the end of the next day we had exchanged phone numbers, and my 'new' Aunt called me. We talked about the family tree, and she told me that my Dad had 2 sons from a prior marriage, and that they were adopted by their Mom's 2nd husband, and she didn't know their names. I have 2 half brothers out there somewhere. I'm stunned, and now I'm second guessing so much of what I thought I was. I've grown up an only child, and now I'm not. Mind boggling to say the least. What do I do with this information now?

My little family has shrunken considerably in the past several years. I've lost my Mom's parents, the only Grandparents I ever knew, and a few years ago, my Mom passed away as well. When your Mom dies, you feel like an orphan, alone in the big world, with no one there. Yes, there are people around you, but in your core being, you feel that the last thread tying you down to earth was severed, and you could free fall at any moment.

My 'new' Aunt is very kind, and seems to be quite caring toward me. She wants me to come visit this summer, and I'm thinking about it. She has 6 daughters, and she said to me "You could be my other Daughter!" Which I found very heartwarming, but that's the emptiness of losing my Mom and feeling like my whole family is gone talking. But, I was more than happy for the kindness. It made me feel less alone. Now, I have this whole branch of a family that I never knew existed, it's a lot to take in. I'm finding myself wondering if I should look up the 2 half brothers. That would be difficult, I'd have to hire someone to research it, as I don't even have names. According to my Dad, "they didn't turn out too well." And that, coming from an abusive alcoholic who has alienated everyone, and has been estranged from his only Daughter and Grandson for over 20 years! So, I'm on the fence about looking for them. Not to mention, do they even know they're adopted. So many thoughts, so many questions, so few options.

Anyway, thanks to Ancestry.com and their 2 week free trial, I have found out about an Aunt & Uncles I didn't know I had, I've managed to search my family tree back to the mid 1800's, and found they immigrated from Germany and Ireland. And thanks to my 'new' Aunt, I've learned I'm not an only child, and that I am 9th cousin to Samuel Houston (who Houston TX was named after), and I am not only German, French & Irish, I'm also Choctaw Indian, and Prussian. All of this information learned in only a few days time. But my mind has been spinning for almost 2 weeks, and I anticipate longer. I thought I knew me, and it turns out, I'm someone else! Now, when someone asks how a German & Irish girl gets so damned tan, I can say that's the Choctaw Indian part showing. (Ironically, my house is full of Native American inspired art, prints by Maija & Marie Buchfink.)

So, now, I get to explore the 'new' me.

We are all the same

26 years ago, I was sitting at a friend’s house with a ‘new’ boyfriend, watching the bears win the Superbowl. I was new to the crowd, sitting back, observing the company I was in. Little did I know then, that 26 years later I would be sitting at that same friend’s house at another Bears party realizing that I’ve had the same circles of friends for over 25 years. That’s a long time. Not everyone gets the good fortune to stay in contact with friends from that far back, let alone see them often. I use circles in the plural form, because everyone has many levels of friends. The ones you see all the time, the ones you see a few times a year at parties, ones you see less than that, and then there are the siblings and family members of those friends. Circles within circles. As I was sitting around watching everyone and seeing how our kids have all grown, I realized we’ve all changed too. Over the years, every one of us has changed and the tables have all shifted.
There are always dynamics at play within circles of friends. The hot guy, the perky cheerleaders, the picture perfect pretty girls, the entrepreneurial guy with a load of cash that always had a lot of nice things and girls all over, the bad boys getting in fights all the time, the hard drinkers, the cocky dude, the couple that went out and got their first apartment before anyone else who had been together forever and seemed inseparable. All of these characters in this play called life.
A quarter century later I’m sitting around the table thinking about everything that has gone on with everyone in the room. We’ve all had life happen. The hot guys are graying with bags under their eyes, bigger foreheads, bigger bellies, the size zero picture perfect girls are a little wider than they used to be, as happens with having kids, some of those forever relationships are now less than happy existences and some have turned to bitter divorces, some keep on ticking, most of us are living within our means, some successfully, some not so much, the dangerous guys have settled down, quit drinking, became family men, the cocky dude might still be so, but we all know he’s had his turn. All of those people who seemed ‘untouchable’ are, for the most part, on the same level now. We’re all the same. Life has mellowed us all. Some of us appear to have aged better than others, but that’s only because some wear it on their faces, and some keep it under wraps in their hearts, but we’ve all changed. Life happens to us all. A little pearl of wisdom learned through living a few more decades that can be shared with generations, those people who you might feel are better than or more popular than you, they’re not. Time will take them down the same path that we all travel, and it will change them. For the most part, we are all the same.