26 years ago, I was sitting at a friend’s house with a ‘new’ boyfriend, watching the bears win the Superbowl. I was new to the crowd, sitting back, observing the company I was in. Little did I know then, that 26 years later I would be sitting at that same friend’s house at another Bears party realizing that I’ve had the same circles of friends for over 25 years. That’s a long time. Not everyone gets the good fortune to stay in contact with friends from that far back, let alone see them often. I use circles in the plural form, because everyone has many levels of friends. The ones you see all the time, the ones you see a few times a year at parties, ones you see less than that, and then there are the siblings and family members of those friends. Circles within circles. As I was sitting around watching everyone and seeing how our kids have all grown, I realized we’ve all changed too. Over the years, every one of us has changed and the tables have all shifted.
There are always dynamics at play within circles of friends. The hot guy, the perky cheerleaders, the picture perfect pretty girls, the entrepreneurial guy with a load of cash that always had a lot of nice things and girls all over, the bad boys getting in fights all the time, the hard drinkers, the cocky dude, the couple that went out and got their first apartment before anyone else who had been together forever and seemed inseparable. All of these characters in this play called life.
A quarter century later I’m sitting around the table thinking about everything that has gone on with everyone in the room. We’ve all had life happen. The hot guys are graying with bags under their eyes, bigger foreheads, bigger bellies, the size zero picture perfect girls are a little wider than they used to be, as happens with having kids, some of those forever relationships are now less than happy existences and some have turned to bitter divorces, some keep on ticking, most of us are living within our means, some successfully, some not so much, the dangerous guys have settled down, quit drinking, became family men, the cocky dude might still be so, but we all know he’s had his turn. All of those people who seemed ‘untouchable’ are, for the most part, on the same level now. We’re all the same. Life has mellowed us all. Some of us appear to have aged better than others, but that’s only because some wear it on their faces, and some keep it under wraps in their hearts, but we’ve all changed. Life happens to us all. A little pearl of wisdom learned through living a few more decades that can be shared with generations, those people who you might feel are better than or more popular than you, they’re not. Time will take them down the same path that we all travel, and it will change them. For the most part, we are all the same.
My over active mind never stops, not even to sleep. Thoughts race by at the speed of light, never stopping to take a breath. Transitioning from one subject to the next with no warning. I'm a prisoner of my own mind. SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
From the Outside Looking In
From the outside looking in.
Everyone out there has a story, a reason, a set of circumstances that make them the individual that they are. Some people have had a lot of difficult times to navigate through, and are learning how to deal with them. To some, the difficult times have been recent and they’re just now learning to get past them, and to others, those times were ages ago and will haunt them, to some degree, the rest of their lives. We’ve all had trouble on some level or another. Some trouble is life altering, some trouble is a fleeting irritation that one can brush off and keep going. Everyone’s trouble is different, and how you perceive it from the outside looking in may not be the way it is at all.
Every trait in a person has it’s upside or downside. It’s how you focus on it that forms your opinion of that trait. Self confidence can be read as conceit or can be admirable. A person with a lot of knowledge or ideas can be seen as opinionated. If one is hard working and driven, one could see that as bossy, or self important. If one is happy go lucky, someone else might see immature, irresponsible. If one is responsible, one might think they are too serious, or lacking fun. Yet, if one is fun loving, one can see it as irresponsible. The flip side of moody is that a person feels deeply, loves deeply, and cares deeply. If someone loves with abandon, they can be seen as foolish, reckless, but some see it as giving their all to someone. Some see a person who would do anything for someone else as a weakness and some may use it to their advantage, meanwhile others seek out that very trait in a partner. Some people can’t see humor in sarcasm. Others don’t understand grief and pain because they haven’t experienced it on the deepest level yet. Just about everyone has lost someone dear to them, and loss hurts. The depth of the loss is in direct proportion to how and when they get past it.
Everyone has a different outlook on life, and it’s uniquely their own, it’s not one size fits all, and yours isn’t necessarily for me, nor mine for you. But that’s okay! We are an ever changing species, learning, experiencing, evolving, growing. If you judge someone based on things they’ve said, or their current disposition, you are shutting out every other piece of their personality. A person who has experienced a traumatic loss can be spiritually challenged on certain dates, or even for certain months. That doesn’t mean they are a miserable person, it means they’re doing the best that they can to ride it out, because they know it will pass eventually. One might see them as miserable, someone else might see it as an opportunity to give them love, and others may see nothing at all. It’s all a matter of perception. Your perception is as unique as a fingerprint, because only you are looking at the things and paying attention to the things you choose to see.
So, the conclusion here is everyone is different, and sees things differently. It doesn’t make them right or you wrong. It just means we can take a moment to stop, think, listen, try to put yourself in their place for a minute, but realize that you still can’t fully feel what they are feeling. Then apply your love to all the good you can find, and watch the less than desirables fade into the distance. Circumstances change, feelings come and go like the tide. Love is acceptance. A simple theory that isn’t always easy to follow, apply love and have faith.
Everyone out there has a story, a reason, a set of circumstances that make them the individual that they are. Some people have had a lot of difficult times to navigate through, and are learning how to deal with them. To some, the difficult times have been recent and they’re just now learning to get past them, and to others, those times were ages ago and will haunt them, to some degree, the rest of their lives. We’ve all had trouble on some level or another. Some trouble is life altering, some trouble is a fleeting irritation that one can brush off and keep going. Everyone’s trouble is different, and how you perceive it from the outside looking in may not be the way it is at all.
Every trait in a person has it’s upside or downside. It’s how you focus on it that forms your opinion of that trait. Self confidence can be read as conceit or can be admirable. A person with a lot of knowledge or ideas can be seen as opinionated. If one is hard working and driven, one could see that as bossy, or self important. If one is happy go lucky, someone else might see immature, irresponsible. If one is responsible, one might think they are too serious, or lacking fun. Yet, if one is fun loving, one can see it as irresponsible. The flip side of moody is that a person feels deeply, loves deeply, and cares deeply. If someone loves with abandon, they can be seen as foolish, reckless, but some see it as giving their all to someone. Some see a person who would do anything for someone else as a weakness and some may use it to their advantage, meanwhile others seek out that very trait in a partner. Some people can’t see humor in sarcasm. Others don’t understand grief and pain because they haven’t experienced it on the deepest level yet. Just about everyone has lost someone dear to them, and loss hurts. The depth of the loss is in direct proportion to how and when they get past it.
Everyone has a different outlook on life, and it’s uniquely their own, it’s not one size fits all, and yours isn’t necessarily for me, nor mine for you. But that’s okay! We are an ever changing species, learning, experiencing, evolving, growing. If you judge someone based on things they’ve said, or their current disposition, you are shutting out every other piece of their personality. A person who has experienced a traumatic loss can be spiritually challenged on certain dates, or even for certain months. That doesn’t mean they are a miserable person, it means they’re doing the best that they can to ride it out, because they know it will pass eventually. One might see them as miserable, someone else might see it as an opportunity to give them love, and others may see nothing at all. It’s all a matter of perception. Your perception is as unique as a fingerprint, because only you are looking at the things and paying attention to the things you choose to see.
So, the conclusion here is everyone is different, and sees things differently. It doesn’t make them right or you wrong. It just means we can take a moment to stop, think, listen, try to put yourself in their place for a minute, but realize that you still can’t fully feel what they are feeling. Then apply your love to all the good you can find, and watch the less than desirables fade into the distance. Circumstances change, feelings come and go like the tide. Love is acceptance. A simple theory that isn’t always easy to follow, apply love and have faith.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Goodbye 2010, hello 2011
It’s been a while since my last post. It’s not because I haven’t still had a million thoughts running through my head, but because I’ve been a slacker, mostly. I’ve been finding a lot of things to keep me busy around the house since riding weather is gone, and I’ve been left to sit around & look at everything surrounding me. I refinished my counter tops, ripped out and re-caulked the tub, and I’m gearing up to tear down old wallpaper and paint. I really should get a job soon, before the whole inside of the house is torn apart!
I spent the day running errands, cleaning house, making my ‘traditional’ new years eve dinner of fillet & lobster. It is the last day of 2010, and, of course I’ve been looking back on this past year. It’s been interesting, that’s for sure. I started the year frustrated and stressed, walked out on my job in May, and in spite of the lack of income, I’ve had a pleasant, de-stressing and adventurous riding season, which led me into a somewhat calmer fall. Yes, I got sad and missed my Mom, as I always do in October, but this year, because I spent so much time truly savoring and enjoying the summer and life, I have been more ok with the changing seasons than I have been in a long time. I am more at peace.
I listened to a few Alicia Keys songs today, and they had me thinking a lot about life, and how it is and has been for me.
Life perfect
Ain't perfect
If you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past cause I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before
You ought to see me now
Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
-------------------------------------
Life is cheap, bittersweet
But it taste good to me
Take my turn, crash and burn
That's how it's supposed to be
So don’t rain on my parade
Life’s too short to waste one day
I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall
Yes it sure looks good to me
Time passed by leaves you behind
Take it naturally
Heaven knows There’s so much more
More than what we see
So don’t rain on my parade
Life’s too short to waste one day
I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall
Yes it sure looks good to me
And I feel like I’m seeing the world inside of me
But I can tell you that I know, it's getting easier to breathe,
There’s a cold in the morning, endless equation
Of who’ve we've become, it’s a complex situation
So live, love, life give love
Live, love, life, give love
Live, love, life, give love
So don’t rain on my parade
Life’s too short to waste one day
I’m gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall
Yes it sure looks good to me
--------------------------------------------
Anyway, so, in spite of what appeared to be a setback, by losing income, I gained a new peace within myself. I’m not bidding good riddance to a bad year, but smiling because of the savor life moments I’ve been fortunate enough to notice and burn into memory. It’s just appreciation of the little things, really. But those little things have made a big difference in my state of mind.
I took a mental inventory last year, I plan on revisiting it at some point and noting the changes in me. But for now, I have decided to go into the new year not looking upon the past, but toward the future.
Another Alicia Keys song “All I know is everything’s gonna be allright”
The approach for this year…
1. Give thanks that life is... just as it is (and that it's been... just as it's been). Because of it, I’m now "READY."
2. Define what I want in terms of the end result. Don't worry about the hows, or even the course. KNOW that what I want is ALREADY mine in spirit, by divine LAW, to just focus on the certainty of this ownership, understand it, claim it, and "it will be on earth, as it is in heaven (spirit)."
3. LET THE UNIVERSE show me the way via my impulses and instincts that appear as I take inspired action. Don't worry that my first steps seem silly or futile. And if I don't know what to do, do anything! Go! Get busy! Do not insist on intermediary successes, only upon the end result.
2011 is going to be my year (it already is) and I’m really excited to see it unfold!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
The Road Untraveled
Riding in November without chaps or heavy leathers, just a windbreaker and a sweatshirt. The unseasonably warm weather for the last 3 days in a row was great, I planned to fully take advantage of it. When I woke up today it was delightfully still mild, and the forecast had changed from 60’s and rain, to 70’s and sunny. Another day to savor the good stuff. It will be hard for me to find that good stuff when the world around me is frozen under it’s months long white blanket of stillness. A gift within a gift, that’s what today was. I chose to head south today, and savor every moment of the probable last ride of the year. I was taking mental note of everything I could and committing it to memory to keep me warm through the winter months while my baby sits blanketed in the dark garage until spring.
These past few days, it’s seemed as if I have been looking at my surroundings with new eyes, making it a point to travel down roads I hadn’t seen, and wondered where they led. I found myself amazed at the vast rolling farm land all around me. I grew up in Chicago and the South Suburbs, then moved slightly farther south for a while, where the area was speckled with small farms here and there, but mostly subdivisions, then moving farther still, to Indiana. I’ve lived in this area for over 15 years now, I’m well aware that I live in an agricultural area. I’ve encountered many a slow moving tractor, hay wagon, the occasional horse and rider traveling roadside, and of course the lovely fertilizer smells of spring and fall. But for some reason, lately, I’ve been rediscovering the beauty of the land. Apparently I’ve gotten really good at turning a blind eye, taking it all for granted. My observation ride led me past sheep, goats, horses, cows, dead skunk, and acres upon acres of farm land some recently cut down, and some freshly turned over and fertilized. Miles and miles of land, shades of brown and amber, vegetation in it’s final stages, rows of trees in the distance with leaves in all shades of brown, everything readying itself for the long Midwest winter nap knocking at our door. The sun was fabulously inviting, and the road was welcoming, even though I had no idea where I was going, or if I was going to get lost. For a while I was a little afraid, as some of the turns I took led me to less than ideal riding conditions. I wondered if I was making a mistake, and should I turn back to a familiar direction. I told myself to keep going a little while, and make that decision again if it didn’t get better. Each time I did that, the road seemed as if it then rolled itself out and led me to a more pleasant journey. Eventually I ran into the smoothest and most scenic road, that was miles and miles of beautiful new pavement. It seemed like it rolled on forever, and I was perfectly content to continue to see this road to it’s end. Before I knew it I was so far east, that I had never been that far away from home by myself. I couldn’t believe it. I hung a left at the next main road, but my eye still tried to reach further down that beautiful new blacktop, and my heart wanted to keep on going. But, alas, I had so many things to take care of yet today.
Heading back toward home, I rode down Veterans Memorial Parkway, a fitting day to be there, and I hadn’t intended on it. I knew there was a Memorial ahead so I looked for the turn off and I stopped there for a brief moment. It was the Lake County Indiana Korean War Veterans Memorial. I read each name listed there, noting if they were killed, missing, or had received honorable mention. It was a sizable list of names, yet they were only people from Lake County. I personally, did not know of anyone who served in Korea, my Grandfather served in England and Germany in WW2, he was a gunner. I hear they told them in training not to make any friends, because it was most likely that they would not make it. My Uncle joined the Marines after he graduated, but I’ve never heard him mention any of it before, I don't think he saw active duty. Even though this memorial did not have any personal meaning to me, these soldiers were important, and deserved a moment of my time to reflect, give thanks, and say a prayer. They paid the ultimate price so that I could be here today, so yes, it was personal after all.
The last few miles of my ride closing in left me feeling like I wanted to keep going, but I had many other things to get done, so I made myself continue on home. I knew that, no matter how many miles I was able to ride on this beautiful last day, it would never be enough. So, I gave thanks for the gift within the gift of this week, and smiled reflecting on my journey. I took a new path, not knowing where it would lead. Some of it was a little treacherous, but, trusting in my abilities, and my sense of direction, I relaxed and kept going forward. What I found was that if I continued forward instead of resorting to going back to familiar territory, if I trusted in myself and was reasonably cautious, that the shaky ground I was on turned into smooth sailing. I gained a little more confidence in myself with each mile, and found beautiful new scenery all around me. And all in all, it was a positive growth experience for which I was thankful.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Amen, I'm alive
I have had an adventurous summer this year, riding in 11 states, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Missouri, and Kansas. I think I’ve done fairly well being present and absorbing it all and committing it to memory. I call it my Enjoy Life Project, and think I did a good job. It hasn’t been all happiness and fun times. This year has had its serious challenges for sure. Early this spring I had a falling out with my best friend of over 25 years, not unforgiveable by any means, but the damage, in my opinion is irreparable. Only time will tell for certain. Over stressed and overwhelmed with the dynamic of management where I worked led me to walking out on a job that I loved dearly. It gave me a lot of free time to decompress and unload the negativity that was encompassing me to be free of the stress and do what I want, when I want.
I have found this to be a difficult past week for me. First, I stumbled upon a piece of unsettling news that had the potential to really shake my foundation of what I thought I knew. I tried not to let it take me over and lead me into a panic, but it did cause me to worry about my future. I also got news that yet another person that I knew had been tragically killed in a random accident, and taken from this world all too soon. I had written about my friend’s brother Michael being killed in a work accident in the spring, which caused me to dwell on what if you only had three days to live. Well, there I am again, thinking about mortality and time. I know we all think that way when we hear of someone’s passing, I’m nothing new. A girl that I sat with at Rider’s Edge Class, and had kept in touch through ladies’ rides and class reunions was tragically killed by a semi that ran a red light as she was driving home in the early hours of the morning. She got off work from bar-tending, spent the night at her boyfriend’s, and decided to get up early, drive her car home to get her books, and go to class. Kelle was 32 years old, and known by many for her smile, her laughter, and being vivacious and full of fun, and in a split second she was gone. If she hadn’t stayed the night at her boyfriends, if she hadn’t decided to go get her books, if she had waited just a few more seconds before she turned onto the highway, she would still be here. But, life is short, and it waits for no one. When it’s your time, it’s your time, and we don’t get to know in advance.
Her family had requested that riders attend her services, as a tribute to her love of riding. I committed to them that I would. I did ride to her wake to pay my respects. It was especially difficult, as this was the same place I had my Moms services a few years prior, and I hadn’t been back since. I spent the hour wait in line fighting off anxiety attacks. Dizziness, difficulty breathing, hot flashes, shaking, the need for air, the all encompassing gut feeling that the world is crushing you, and if you don’t get out, you will surely not make it. Couldn’t leave, I’d lose my place in line. I fought hard not to break down for a few reasons. I didn’t want to look stupid, because I wasn’t so close to her that I would be an emotional mess, and because I didn’t want to make this about me, it wasn’t fair, and because I refuse to be weak, dammit! My Rider’s Edge instructor and I were to ride in the funeral the next day. I had thought it necessary, because I didn’t think there would be that many bikes, but I found out that there were Fire Trucks, and the Freedom Riders attending, and my instructor was riding in with someone else, I started to wonder if I really should go, not having been so close to her. I ended up having an opportunity to spend some time with a friend that I rarely ever get enough time to see, and the weather was wonderful as well, so, after much consideration, I chose not to attend the funeral. I was glad that I had stayed and paid my respects the day before, and I chose to spend the time with a friend, and to take an unseasonably warm ride and to thoroughly enjoy doing what I love most, with God’s gift of a fabulous day. I don’t think Kelle would have disapproved.
Some time has passed since I’ve immersed myself in the joy of riding, due to having my bike in the shop for 3 weeks, and riding weather winding down for the season. I had started to forget how spiritual an experience riding really is. I always ‘know’ being in the wind is a whole body and soul experience, we all have heard people talk about what it feels like to ride. But with the time span between rides ever growing, the full effect of it fades away. It’s been 20 degrees warmer than normal for this time of year these past few days, I’ve been blessed with riding weather in November and I’m lovin’ every minute of it while I can. There are a few roads that I’ve ridden past and thought, that looks interesting, I wonder where that goes. So, this time, I turned and went there, finding a beautiful new experience unfolding while I absorbed it all. A hilly and winding road, running through some wooded areas, with the sun in my face flickering past near leafless trees, and leading to vast, rolling farmland, some brown and harvested, some newly overturned and rich with heavy warm black earth. I could see the tree lines out in the distance with what seemed like a foggy mist blanketing their borders. Each time I came to a crossroad, I looked each way, then chose the most scenic direction. The air was rich with the scent of fallen leaves, the air was warm, yet crisp, as it is in the fall, and the sun was bright, almost blinding, blurring the edges of objects ahead of me, I could feel it’s warmth, but I could tell it was much farther away than what I had enjoyed all summer long. I felt a deep, comforting wave of peace overcome me in those moments. I could feel it in my bones, it started in my chest, and radiated it’s way down to my core, and I felt comforted and relaxed. It was different than the normal relaxation riding brings. Without being given a reason or proof, I felt that everything will be ok, that God and the Universe is beautiful and good, and that life for me is going to be just fine. I have no explanation, other than I was viewing the world with new eyes, as if I had never seen landscape like this before, and every inch of it amazed me. I have many concerns and worries in general, and this week in particular, but in that moment, something told me that everything will work out for the good and I am traveling the right road.
The lesson I’m taking away from this past week is, take that extra few seconds to look around you before you take that intersection, and pay attention to all of your seconds. Do what you have to do and what you should do, but make sure you find the seconds that make you happy and fulfill you as well. Life waits for no one, so don’t you wait for better timing, or better circumstances to go after your heart’s desire. Conceive it, believe it, and achieve it, and live life with fulfillment. It’s all happening now, reach for it, you CAN have it, and the universe wants it for you.
Singing Amen, I’m Alive
I have found this to be a difficult past week for me. First, I stumbled upon a piece of unsettling news that had the potential to really shake my foundation of what I thought I knew. I tried not to let it take me over and lead me into a panic, but it did cause me to worry about my future. I also got news that yet another person that I knew had been tragically killed in a random accident, and taken from this world all too soon. I had written about my friend’s brother Michael being killed in a work accident in the spring, which caused me to dwell on what if you only had three days to live. Well, there I am again, thinking about mortality and time. I know we all think that way when we hear of someone’s passing, I’m nothing new. A girl that I sat with at Rider’s Edge Class, and had kept in touch through ladies’ rides and class reunions was tragically killed by a semi that ran a red light as she was driving home in the early hours of the morning. She got off work from bar-tending, spent the night at her boyfriend’s, and decided to get up early, drive her car home to get her books, and go to class. Kelle was 32 years old, and known by many for her smile, her laughter, and being vivacious and full of fun, and in a split second she was gone. If she hadn’t stayed the night at her boyfriends, if she hadn’t decided to go get her books, if she had waited just a few more seconds before she turned onto the highway, she would still be here. But, life is short, and it waits for no one. When it’s your time, it’s your time, and we don’t get to know in advance.
Her family had requested that riders attend her services, as a tribute to her love of riding. I committed to them that I would. I did ride to her wake to pay my respects. It was especially difficult, as this was the same place I had my Moms services a few years prior, and I hadn’t been back since. I spent the hour wait in line fighting off anxiety attacks. Dizziness, difficulty breathing, hot flashes, shaking, the need for air, the all encompassing gut feeling that the world is crushing you, and if you don’t get out, you will surely not make it. Couldn’t leave, I’d lose my place in line. I fought hard not to break down for a few reasons. I didn’t want to look stupid, because I wasn’t so close to her that I would be an emotional mess, and because I didn’t want to make this about me, it wasn’t fair, and because I refuse to be weak, dammit! My Rider’s Edge instructor and I were to ride in the funeral the next day. I had thought it necessary, because I didn’t think there would be that many bikes, but I found out that there were Fire Trucks, and the Freedom Riders attending, and my instructor was riding in with someone else, I started to wonder if I really should go, not having been so close to her. I ended up having an opportunity to spend some time with a friend that I rarely ever get enough time to see, and the weather was wonderful as well, so, after much consideration, I chose not to attend the funeral. I was glad that I had stayed and paid my respects the day before, and I chose to spend the time with a friend, and to take an unseasonably warm ride and to thoroughly enjoy doing what I love most, with God’s gift of a fabulous day. I don’t think Kelle would have disapproved.
Some time has passed since I’ve immersed myself in the joy of riding, due to having my bike in the shop for 3 weeks, and riding weather winding down for the season. I had started to forget how spiritual an experience riding really is. I always ‘know’ being in the wind is a whole body and soul experience, we all have heard people talk about what it feels like to ride. But with the time span between rides ever growing, the full effect of it fades away. It’s been 20 degrees warmer than normal for this time of year these past few days, I’ve been blessed with riding weather in November and I’m lovin’ every minute of it while I can. There are a few roads that I’ve ridden past and thought, that looks interesting, I wonder where that goes. So, this time, I turned and went there, finding a beautiful new experience unfolding while I absorbed it all. A hilly and winding road, running through some wooded areas, with the sun in my face flickering past near leafless trees, and leading to vast, rolling farmland, some brown and harvested, some newly overturned and rich with heavy warm black earth. I could see the tree lines out in the distance with what seemed like a foggy mist blanketing their borders. Each time I came to a crossroad, I looked each way, then chose the most scenic direction. The air was rich with the scent of fallen leaves, the air was warm, yet crisp, as it is in the fall, and the sun was bright, almost blinding, blurring the edges of objects ahead of me, I could feel it’s warmth, but I could tell it was much farther away than what I had enjoyed all summer long. I felt a deep, comforting wave of peace overcome me in those moments. I could feel it in my bones, it started in my chest, and radiated it’s way down to my core, and I felt comforted and relaxed. It was different than the normal relaxation riding brings. Without being given a reason or proof, I felt that everything will be ok, that God and the Universe is beautiful and good, and that life for me is going to be just fine. I have no explanation, other than I was viewing the world with new eyes, as if I had never seen landscape like this before, and every inch of it amazed me. I have many concerns and worries in general, and this week in particular, but in that moment, something told me that everything will work out for the good and I am traveling the right road.
The lesson I’m taking away from this past week is, take that extra few seconds to look around you before you take that intersection, and pay attention to all of your seconds. Do what you have to do and what you should do, but make sure you find the seconds that make you happy and fulfill you as well. Life waits for no one, so don’t you wait for better timing, or better circumstances to go after your heart’s desire. Conceive it, believe it, and achieve it, and live life with fulfillment. It’s all happening now, reach for it, you CAN have it, and the universe wants it for you.
Singing Amen, I’m Alive
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Daddy's Little Girls
It's a crappy rain day, and I'm sitting here feeling lonely and without ambition. Even my dogs went right back to bed after breakfast. So I'm sitting here at my computer, and that lead me to this:
A conversation was sparked today from a picture a friend posted of his daughter on Facebook. He called her his princess.
I told him that every little girl deserves a devoted Dad, to feel she’s the center of his world and would give her anything, to teach her what she should look for in a man to love. Without that, a girl will spend her whole life finding out the hard way. I speak of experience on that one, and I’m not alone.
My parents bitterly divorced when I was just starting first grade. I remember very little of that period in our lives. I know that my Mom ‘ran away’ in the middle of the night with just the clothes on our backs, and there are few pictures or mementos of our lives until after that point. I was 7 years old when that happened. I do remember seeing him a couple of weekends, and feeling like I was unwelcome in what used to be MY house. He was physically abusive to my Mom, and she only left him because she was afraid he would do it to me. I remember feeling paralyzed against a wall watching him in a drunken rage, punching holes through a tile wall, breaking up the furniture and throwing it out the back door. My Mom even said he took a 2x4 and broke my Great Dane’s leg. My other memories of him were getting arrested at a carnival because he wouldn’t throw away his beer, us leaving a nice restaurant, making a scene because the service wasn’t fast enough, and being arrested at our 4th of July barbecue for selling fireworks. The last memory I had of him was after the divorce, when he took me Christmas shopping and told me to buy anything I wanted. I had a field day with that. But, when I got home, at the tender age of 7, I saw the disappointment in my Mom’s eyes as I showed her the very things she had bought me for gifts. I felt so bad I told her, “It’s ok Mom, I can play with two Barbie airplanes.” Later in life, I realized he did that, not to make me happy, but to hurt my Mother.
I looked him up when I was in high school. I found out really quickly that for him to be the ‘giving devoted Dad’ that every girl wants, I needed to have an audience. I saw him a few times, and when I brought someone with me, he showed off and acted like the generous, devoted Dad that I wanted him to be. I saw him a few times, he gave me a few bucks, and we had a few dinners.
I married at the age of 20, had my Son a year later, he saw him once when he was 6 months old. Prior to that he berated me for getting pregnant with no insurance. I stopped reaching out to him, and I never heard from him again.
As I’ve mentioned, October is a horrible month for me, having lost my Mother. I get lonely, having a tiny, disappearing family. In my weak moments, I’ve allowed myself to write to my Dad twice. First, about a year after my Mom passed, and just this past month or so. I’m not surprised I haven’t heard from him, and only half disappointed, as I know that having him in my life is only going to lead to more hurt feelings. Better off without him, I know this.
But still, when I see a woman who’s Dad has always given her everything , dancing at her wedding, I tell myself I’m stronger for my experiences, but the bitterness and envy is in the background. I’m happy for them, and very sad for me.
So, for all you Dads out there listen up:
Always show them and tell them how much you love them, and how proud you are of them. Tell them they can do and be anything that they want to be. Make them aware of the truth that they are worth having a man who will treat them like gold and do anything for them, and they should not tolerate any less. Girls can always subject themselves to less than desirable treatment at the hands of men in the name of love, but the ones that have no example will believe they don’t deserve and better, or that there isn’t anything better out there. There is a very popular John Mayer song, “Fathers be good to your daughters, for daughters will love like you do.” And it is the truth. Daddy issues can leave a girl so desperate for love and approval that she will subject herself to ANYTHING just to find it.
A devoted Daddy can foster the greatest confidence and pride, a strong sense of self and security, and the understanding that they can reach for the stars, and if they fall, someone will always be there to catch them. That could be the difference that causes her to strive for the very best in life, not being afraid to try, for fear of failure or humiliation. The difference between happiness, and misery is in your hands. Give them the knowledge of how they should be respected and loved, and the tools of confidence to accept nothing less, and the courage to leave no stone unturned.
She will be a different woman, and have a totally different life if you do. The best life possible is a gift that lies in your hands.
And to the fathers of boys: Teach them well, for they learn how to treat a woman from YOU.
And for those of us 'little girls' out there who are lacking in the above...YOU are wonderful, fabulous, and STRONG...just because you didn't have someone there to tell you this your whole life, only makes you stronger. You DESERVE everything your heart desires, and don't let ANYONE convince you otherwise, especially not yourself.
A conversation was sparked today from a picture a friend posted of his daughter on Facebook. He called her his princess.
I told him that every little girl deserves a devoted Dad, to feel she’s the center of his world and would give her anything, to teach her what she should look for in a man to love. Without that, a girl will spend her whole life finding out the hard way. I speak of experience on that one, and I’m not alone.
My parents bitterly divorced when I was just starting first grade. I remember very little of that period in our lives. I know that my Mom ‘ran away’ in the middle of the night with just the clothes on our backs, and there are few pictures or mementos of our lives until after that point. I was 7 years old when that happened. I do remember seeing him a couple of weekends, and feeling like I was unwelcome in what used to be MY house. He was physically abusive to my Mom, and she only left him because she was afraid he would do it to me. I remember feeling paralyzed against a wall watching him in a drunken rage, punching holes through a tile wall, breaking up the furniture and throwing it out the back door. My Mom even said he took a 2x4 and broke my Great Dane’s leg. My other memories of him were getting arrested at a carnival because he wouldn’t throw away his beer, us leaving a nice restaurant, making a scene because the service wasn’t fast enough, and being arrested at our 4th of July barbecue for selling fireworks. The last memory I had of him was after the divorce, when he took me Christmas shopping and told me to buy anything I wanted. I had a field day with that. But, when I got home, at the tender age of 7, I saw the disappointment in my Mom’s eyes as I showed her the very things she had bought me for gifts. I felt so bad I told her, “It’s ok Mom, I can play with two Barbie airplanes.” Later in life, I realized he did that, not to make me happy, but to hurt my Mother.
I looked him up when I was in high school. I found out really quickly that for him to be the ‘giving devoted Dad’ that every girl wants, I needed to have an audience. I saw him a few times, and when I brought someone with me, he showed off and acted like the generous, devoted Dad that I wanted him to be. I saw him a few times, he gave me a few bucks, and we had a few dinners.
I married at the age of 20, had my Son a year later, he saw him once when he was 6 months old. Prior to that he berated me for getting pregnant with no insurance. I stopped reaching out to him, and I never heard from him again.
As I’ve mentioned, October is a horrible month for me, having lost my Mother. I get lonely, having a tiny, disappearing family. In my weak moments, I’ve allowed myself to write to my Dad twice. First, about a year after my Mom passed, and just this past month or so. I’m not surprised I haven’t heard from him, and only half disappointed, as I know that having him in my life is only going to lead to more hurt feelings. Better off without him, I know this.
But still, when I see a woman who’s Dad has always given her everything , dancing at her wedding, I tell myself I’m stronger for my experiences, but the bitterness and envy is in the background. I’m happy for them, and very sad for me.
So, for all you Dads out there listen up:
Always show them and tell them how much you love them, and how proud you are of them. Tell them they can do and be anything that they want to be. Make them aware of the truth that they are worth having a man who will treat them like gold and do anything for them, and they should not tolerate any less. Girls can always subject themselves to less than desirable treatment at the hands of men in the name of love, but the ones that have no example will believe they don’t deserve and better, or that there isn’t anything better out there. There is a very popular John Mayer song, “Fathers be good to your daughters, for daughters will love like you do.” And it is the truth. Daddy issues can leave a girl so desperate for love and approval that she will subject herself to ANYTHING just to find it.
A devoted Daddy can foster the greatest confidence and pride, a strong sense of self and security, and the understanding that they can reach for the stars, and if they fall, someone will always be there to catch them. That could be the difference that causes her to strive for the very best in life, not being afraid to try, for fear of failure or humiliation. The difference between happiness, and misery is in your hands. Give them the knowledge of how they should be respected and loved, and the tools of confidence to accept nothing less, and the courage to leave no stone unturned.
She will be a different woman, and have a totally different life if you do. The best life possible is a gift that lies in your hands.
And to the fathers of boys: Teach them well, for they learn how to treat a woman from YOU.
And for those of us 'little girls' out there who are lacking in the above...YOU are wonderful, fabulous, and STRONG...just because you didn't have someone there to tell you this your whole life, only makes you stronger. You DESERVE everything your heart desires, and don't let ANYONE convince you otherwise, especially not yourself.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Dear Mom, Revisited
Below are excerpts of a letter to my Mother from a prior blog post. My Mom loved the fall, so everything now reminds me of her. She loved the fall, and loved to go out looking at the leaves, so every day in October reminds me of her.
I'm revisiting my letter today, which would have been my Mom's 68th birthday, and my thoughts are heavily with her.
Dear Mom
I miss you so much there aren't words enough to say.
You were my hero and I didn't even know it. You were strong enough to leave an abusive relationship, not for yourself, but for me. You saved yourself because of your maternal need to save your child from harm. You were the original Working Single Mother. I am a Mother, and I cannot imagine the feelings and fears you must have had, worrying about bills and raising a child, all the while working downtown Chicago, making it on your own. I don't remember wanting for anything during those early difficult times, so you must have sacrificed so much for my happiness' sake. And for that I am eternally grateful. Single working Mothers were few and far between back in 1974, you were a trail blazer. You never remarried, and, as far as I know, never had another relationship after the divorce, so I can't even begin to fathom the loneliness you must have felt for those 30+ years. But I feel lonely and lost without you now, so I can imagine to a degree.
The world isn't the same without you. When I had to admit you to the nursing home, I almost had a mental breakdown right there in the hallway. Going there to have luncheons with you on Mother's Day and holidays, I thought I was sad then, and now I catch myself wishing for those 'sad' days.
I am sad, however it is a more profound feeling than just sad. It's a deep gaping hole in my heart...no, it's in my soul. There isn't much to our little family. Your brother who makes an appearance every couple of years, and your sister who tries to remember to call and check on me here and there, but has her own life with her new husband and new family. And of course, my Son, your Grandson...well, I hope that one day he comes around and decides he understands what he's doing and starts respecting himself and those around him. Maybe one day he'll come around and love his Mother again. I am truly sorry if I ever made you feel even a fraction of the disappointment or unhappiness that I have found myself feeling as a Mother. Aside from having a few friends you didn't approve of, and a snide remark here and there though, I think we were ok, right?
You've been gone 4 years now, and it still hurts like yesterday, I'm just better at stuffing it in than I was before. I still feel like I'm 5 years old and lost in the mall again. Only now, I know that there isn't anyone out there that can come save me. Right after you passed, my first words were, "Now what am I supposed to do." I meant about the whole nursing home, belongings, funeral, arrangements, etc...but also the who am I without you part too.
A Dad who only loves himself, both Grandparents deceased, and no Mother....
Having your family leave one by one, feels like they are threads connecting you, holding you down to the earth, and each time one dies, a thread gets cut. Mom, when I lost you it felt like the last single thread holding me down to existence was cut, and I found myself floating aimlessly in space, unsure now where I belong, and unable to go back to where I came from, and no one to reach out to show me the way.
I miss you....MISS...it's a insignificant little word...until now. Now I know better.
As years go by, I'm more capable of compartmentalizing and distracting my feelings, they are, and always will be there. I do my best when 'historical' dates come around to distract or do something that will make me 'happy'. But you and how much I miss you will never be off my mind.
I loved you, even when I didn't show it enough.
I needed you, even when I pushed you away.
And I miss you, and will miss you even when it's been too many years to count
Love,
Your Only Child
*note to my blog readers*
I share this letter with you, not only to share the thoughts in my head, but to remind you all to Love, Honor and Cherish your Mother, no matter what your circumstances with her are. Because when she is gone, it's all gone. You'll have a question about the family past, or some silly thing way before your time, and your first instinct will be I need to ask...and then..it will hit you:
there isn't anyone left to answer that....that tidbit of trivia that you just pondered will never be answered, it's gone now. GONE
It's been years now, and that sort of thing still happens to me all the time.
The missing part....it is forever missing....your soul is missing a piece, and you will not get it back until you are reunited in the afterlife. Don't wait until then, to enjoy and savor what you have here and now while you still can
I'm revisiting my letter today, which would have been my Mom's 68th birthday, and my thoughts are heavily with her.
Dear Mom
I miss you so much there aren't words enough to say.
You were my hero and I didn't even know it. You were strong enough to leave an abusive relationship, not for yourself, but for me. You saved yourself because of your maternal need to save your child from harm. You were the original Working Single Mother. I am a Mother, and I cannot imagine the feelings and fears you must have had, worrying about bills and raising a child, all the while working downtown Chicago, making it on your own. I don't remember wanting for anything during those early difficult times, so you must have sacrificed so much for my happiness' sake. And for that I am eternally grateful. Single working Mothers were few and far between back in 1974, you were a trail blazer. You never remarried, and, as far as I know, never had another relationship after the divorce, so I can't even begin to fathom the loneliness you must have felt for those 30+ years. But I feel lonely and lost without you now, so I can imagine to a degree.
The world isn't the same without you. When I had to admit you to the nursing home, I almost had a mental breakdown right there in the hallway. Going there to have luncheons with you on Mother's Day and holidays, I thought I was sad then, and now I catch myself wishing for those 'sad' days.
I am sad, however it is a more profound feeling than just sad. It's a deep gaping hole in my heart...no, it's in my soul. There isn't much to our little family. Your brother who makes an appearance every couple of years, and your sister who tries to remember to call and check on me here and there, but has her own life with her new husband and new family. And of course, my Son, your Grandson...well, I hope that one day he comes around and decides he understands what he's doing and starts respecting himself and those around him. Maybe one day he'll come around and love his Mother again. I am truly sorry if I ever made you feel even a fraction of the disappointment or unhappiness that I have found myself feeling as a Mother. Aside from having a few friends you didn't approve of, and a snide remark here and there though, I think we were ok, right?
You've been gone 4 years now, and it still hurts like yesterday, I'm just better at stuffing it in than I was before. I still feel like I'm 5 years old and lost in the mall again. Only now, I know that there isn't anyone out there that can come save me. Right after you passed, my first words were, "Now what am I supposed to do." I meant about the whole nursing home, belongings, funeral, arrangements, etc...but also the who am I without you part too.
A Dad who only loves himself, both Grandparents deceased, and no Mother....
Having your family leave one by one, feels like they are threads connecting you, holding you down to the earth, and each time one dies, a thread gets cut. Mom, when I lost you it felt like the last single thread holding me down to existence was cut, and I found myself floating aimlessly in space, unsure now where I belong, and unable to go back to where I came from, and no one to reach out to show me the way.
I miss you....MISS...it's a insignificant little word...until now. Now I know better.
As years go by, I'm more capable of compartmentalizing and distracting my feelings, they are, and always will be there. I do my best when 'historical' dates come around to distract or do something that will make me 'happy'. But you and how much I miss you will never be off my mind.
I loved you, even when I didn't show it enough.
I needed you, even when I pushed you away.
And I miss you, and will miss you even when it's been too many years to count
Love,
Your Only Child
*note to my blog readers*
I share this letter with you, not only to share the thoughts in my head, but to remind you all to Love, Honor and Cherish your Mother, no matter what your circumstances with her are. Because when she is gone, it's all gone. You'll have a question about the family past, or some silly thing way before your time, and your first instinct will be I need to ask...and then..it will hit you:
there isn't anyone left to answer that....that tidbit of trivia that you just pondered will never be answered, it's gone now. GONE
It's been years now, and that sort of thing still happens to me all the time.
The missing part....it is forever missing....your soul is missing a piece, and you will not get it back until you are reunited in the afterlife. Don't wait until then, to enjoy and savor what you have here and now while you still can
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)