Inked, how much is too much?

I've debated off and on about posting something with my tattoos. I know I've shown many twitter friends pics of my tattoos. But when it comes to putting them up on the Internet, and leaving them there, I worry that someone may use it, and they are uniquely mine, I assisted in the design, and my tattoo artist, Gina is an incredible artist. I will never go to anyone else. She is amazing at what she does.
So, anyway, I'll put the stuff up on here, and maybe I'll take it down later?!

My first tattoo was just a piece of flash, a little one at that. I turned 30 and got a bug up my ass to do something rebellious. Just a heart impaled by a rose on the inside of my ankle. I loved it and it gave me the itch for more.

The next was another little one. After hundreds of hours of training, countless bumps & bruises, 1 broken foot, and 2 broken toes, finally reaching 1st degree blackbelt in TaeKwonDo, I decided to celebrate it in ink. I chose Korean writing, In Wha, and Pilsung, 'unbroken glory' which resides just below my broken foot bone, and 'personal victory'. On the blade of my foot, so when I sparred, it could be read by my opponent. I was also teaching TaeKwonDo at the time, assisting with the little ones, our Tiny Tigers program, and a couple of them wanted to 'write on their foot like teacher'. I didn't take that into consideration when I got it...but it was completely accepted by my instructor, (and my student's parents) whew! 2 ACL repairs and a total of 4 knee surgeries later, I got my 3rd degree blackbelt...I think I want to tattoo something on the incision scars on my knees, I just don't know what lol.


Next I got brave & got a wolf face (but with blue eyes, for my Huskies) inside a paw print done, and after a few years, decided to elaborate on that, so Gina came up with a fabulous design, sent it to me, I changed a few things, and after about a hundred emails, we nailed it! More Korean letters underneath it, Choon Jung 'all things turn out perfect & beautiful'.
I drew this little heart design while at a tattoo party, just a lil' somethin' cute.
(it's impossible to watch everyone get tats at a tattoo party and just walk away without something! lol)
About a year earlier, before redoing the Wolf Face tat, I asked Gina to make me something with flowers for my Mom & Grandma who had both passed away. My Grandmother's favorite, Tropicana rose, my Mom's was orchid, and two little orange blossoms for me and my son. She drew this, and I fell in love.
I've wanted a breast cancer ribbon tattoo ever since my Grandma passed away from it. So I found this heart pendant online that had a crystal pink ribbon around it, so I sent it to Gina, asked her to flower it up, and I wanted it to wrap from my big toe around the back of my ankle, she came up with a basic idea, but essentially, free handed on my foot with a marker until we got it where I liked it, and voila! there it was...OUCH
So...here I am with the 'itch' again. So what's next? I'm thinking 3 halo's (for obvious reasons) and 2 stars (for my 2 Huskies that I've lost) ...so Gina is working on it as we speak
AND I might throw in a little heart on the inside of my wrist...I don't know why, but I have a bug up my ass to get one there...lol

And there you have my body's ink history, a work still in progress...
So tell me, at what point do you think a woman has too many tattoos? Am I approaching the limit yet? lol

*BREAKING NEWS*
Here is my latest love...the little heart on my wrist. Gina, you're fabulous girlfriend! I never could've imagined how pretty an M and a heart could be.
(The M is for my Mom's side of the family, who's last name was Miller. I think it's quite lovely....even better than I could have imagined! :D

I still believe

Over the course of my 40+ years I've learned that I have a good intuition about things. I've had moments where something 'strange' has happened as a precursor for some big event that occurred in my life. I didn't 'know' what it was at the time, but after the fact I 'got it'. For instance, the night my before my grandfather died (he was in the hospital after surgery)at 2 a.m. I bolted up from a sound sleep and my right leg itched like mad. I had no idea what it was. Later that morning, I got a call saying his kidney's were failing, and that I should make the 90 minute drive up north to be with him. He passed away later that afternoon. I have no other way to explain being awakened from a sound sleep by an itch.

I've had 'feelings' about people many times. Usually that sinking 'I don't like him or her, I have no reason, I've never met them, but something is there I don't care for' feeling. I've always given people the benefit of the doubt and tried not to dismiss people based on some unfounded 'feeling', but I've almost always have come to find that feeling was justified. But, still, although I know better, I choose to set aside those feelings just in case I'm wrong. And they've almost always proved me right about those people.

Have you ever felt so strongly about something or someone that you were all but certain? Do you tell yourself you could be wrong, or do you go with your gut feeling, believing it could be no other way? Trust your instincts they say...but what if they lead you in the wrong direction?

I am certain that there is a love out there for everyone. Sometimes you only find one true love of your life, and some are fortunate to find it more than once. I believe in soulmates. I believe in meant to be.

Who is a soulmate? They're out there, a rare, and precious find.
He loves her more than he ever thought he could love someone. He loves her more than he's able to wrap his mind around. He thinks about her every single day. He can't keep himself away. He looks intensely at her, past her eyes and into her heart and soul. He can see even the slightest fleeting thought that runs through her mind because he is so observant. He touches her like she's the most delightful thing he has ever imagined. He holds her so tight she can't move, and she doesn't want to. He loves her with an urgency and intensity as if he needs her to breathe. A simple kiss from him will draw all the air out of her lungs, and a whispered I love you in her ear will send a chill straight into her heart, and down to her knees, making them barely able to hold her up. And he begs her to say I love you over and over because he can't get enough of hearing her say those words. He asks her to call when she gets home, he wants her to be safe. He's protective, feels like she's HIS and only his, but not in a obsessive way. He feels special because she loves him and only him. He makes her feel special every single moment they're together. He savors her beauty and tells her so, enough to make her believe she's the most precious thing he's ever laid his eyes upon. And when they're together, it is breathless and urgent, yet time stands still, and flies at the same time.

THAT'S what I'm certain a soulmate is.

On My Knees

It seems as though the Universe is challenging my resolve to stay positive these days. The harder I try, the more the Universe pushes me.

I don't know how to determine if I should give up on something because thinking positive is only making me delusoinal about the truth. Am I just ignoring the facts of reality and making myself believe something is what it isn't? Where do you draw the line?

This week has been near impossible to digest for me. A major potential health scare, and ghost from the past coming back to screw up my life and cost me what I love the most.

I refuse to believe that my angels would bring me back here just to have this all taken away again, or for me to be too sick to live out my goal. But my resolve is about worn out this time. I can't make it through all of this again. It almost killed me the last time.

Please God, please Universe, please heaven, please angels, please fate.....
please make it go away. Isn't it time for me to be happy for once? I've spent so much time pretending to be happy, so much time sacrificing my inner happiness for others' sakes. Haven't I been through enough already? I'm on my knees now begging for it. I have been humbled by events of the past, I'm here in this place of understanding my mistakes of the past, willing to do what it takes to get to where I want to be...


Happy, healthy, financially secure, loved and in love, for the many many happy years of my life.

It is not my will, but Thine own. I stand before Thee pleading for my happiness.

*Additional note*
At the beginning of the year on certain powerful astrological days, I performed some cleansing rituals and asked the Universe for what I want. At one point, I told my friend that I didn't really care anymore what it took, as long as I got to where I wanted to be.
So, now, all of this is happening again...and I don't know how it will end...but all I can cling to is, hopefully, this is the direction that was meant to be, and this is the path to what I am longing for. (Positive spin, wishful thinking and delusion? Or Strong Willed, hopeful belief?)


Betrayal has many forms

Each of them inflicting pain

Betrayal of a lover in the arms of another

Breaks the heart

Betrayal of a friend that was not

Breaks your trust

Beytral of the one you love most thinking the worst

Breaks your soul

Betrayal of the universe bringing you pain

Breaks your spirit


This too, shall pass, they say

Rise above this

You have to feel the worst to appreciate the best

If it was mean to be it will be


True, perhaps

Agonizing, nonetheless

Broken hearts do mend

But they're never the same

Once broken, faith comes and goes like the rain

Dreams

January 14th, 2010...I've been focusing on the positive....mostly. My horoscopes say that with the new moon today, this will be a pivotal day for me. I'm really hopeful about that.
I'm doing the best I can to stay on the bright side, but there are many challenges. In my most challenging moments, so far, I've gotten by with telling myself 'The universe works in mysterious ways, and I'm trusting in God's divine timing, this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.'

I truly believe that friends are family that you get to hand pick. I have picked some awesome friends. I've had the great fortune to have two of my friends buy me plane tickets to Arizona and Texas this coming month then later in the spring. Some time away from life's aggravations, and some much needed warmth and sunshine will be a welcome rest, indeed.

Texas is important to me, because there is an old friend there that I've recently reconnected with. He was my neighbor from when I very young. I moved away when I was 7 years old, and never heard from him again. I practically lived at his house. I credit his Mom for my addiction to Mexican food. Florence made the most awesome hand made tortillas every night with dinner. That was one of my most fond memories of childhood. Anyway, almost 2 years ago Danny found me on classmates, contacted me, and asked me to come down to visit. I initially declined, because I couldn't really afford the time off of work, as I had already used my vacation time. But, later that week I had a breakdown realizing that it was his mother's 81st birthday, and if I didn't go, I might not ever have the opportunity to see her again. Suddenly, seeing Florence (who was a good friend of my Mother's) became one of the last little connections to my dwindling family. So, with tears in my eyes, I reunited with my long lost 'family', and it was awesome. So, Danny sent me tickets to go back, and I can't wait!.

My best friend is taking me to Arizona next month. I can't wait to meet my twitter pals that I have become very fond of. But Arizona also has another strong meaning to me. My grandparents wintered there every year since the 70's. When my son was young, we would go visit every spring break. The state, and especially Superstition Mountain has a very special meaning to me.
It will be like coming home for me. I haven't been there, since my grandparents passed away, which has been over 10 years.

So, with all this excitement and joy, from out of the blue, I'm stricken with sadness. I wasn't prepared. The other night I had an emotional dream. I dreamed I was at some family wedding, and my grandparents and mother were there. For some reason I got into a heated debate with my grandmother. (My grandmother and I were very alike and often would butt heads.) So, after this debate, I was leaving the event, and I went to hug my Grandfather goodbye. And in that instant, my Grandfather appeared to me as a combination of my Mother, Grandmother and Grandfather all in one. And, as I hugged goodbye, I realized that it would be the last time that I would ever seem him/them again. I woke up sobbing, tears rolling down my face, gasping for air through tears. And, it took me over half an hour to calm myself, because I couldn't stop thinking that I was there, alone in the dark.

So, needless to say, I have been 'off' since that happened. I'm feeling tired, alone, and insecure about my future. And I'm back to questioning "Do I go back to the old ways of latching onto what's known, and 'comfortable', or do I march forward into the fear of the unknown to find happiness?"

I'm just putting one foot forward and going through the motions and trying to analyze everything that happens. I can look hard into everything that happens and come up with a conclusion that would fit either choice. Are 'bad' things happening because I should get out of where I am? Or are 'bad' things happening to scare me back into what I know?

"Trust in God's divine timing, and know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment." Hmmmmm

Mysterious Ways

So, as it seems, if you read my last post, I'm having a hell of a time staying on the positive end of the spectrum. Some days are not only challenging, but near impossible! I have things bombarding me on every level of my existence.


What got me through? After the sobbing and tears, I consoled myself with this:



Everything happens for a reason...the good and the bad.

i.e. I cursed the heavens that my Mom didn't die when she became sick, and that she told me she wanted to die, and I had to be the one to request no further medical intervention for a simple upper respiratory infection until it stopped her from breathing. It could've been treated with antibiotics in the hospital. But my 63 year old mother had been declining in a nursing home for 3 years, and now was all but incapacitated completely, and didn't want to live helplessly dependant on caregivers. I was so angry at God and the Universe for making me responsible for making this choice, I wanted it out of my hands. But, as a result of her semi recovery from the first illness, in a moment of complete clarity she told me and my son that she loved us, and we told her how much we loved her. And she made a final request of me, and I gave her the gift of doing exactly what she wanted. Awful, horrible, upsetting, and tragic, but a reason for the pain.

and


God and the Universe works in mysterious ways

i.e. Before my Mom got sick, when I found out my husky, Sheba had cancer, I had been looking into Alaskan Klee Kai puppies. (Miniature huskies) I wanted a little husky, with less of a coat, a female, but the rare breed was too expensive for my blood. So I searched husky rescue for a stray that would be good with cats (a needle in a haystack). I had to put Sheba to sleep the beginning of July, my Mom passed in the beginning of October. Approximately 2 months after my Mom passed, 6 days after Christmas, and 3 days before my Birthday, an approximately 2 month old female husky puppy all but appeared from out of the ether. I was working, and someone carried her in and said, I found this puppy in the parking lot, does it belong to anyone?
The pictures you see were taken the day she was found. Fully grown, she only weighs abut 49 pounds, is petite, and has a light coat. Coming to me in a devastated period of my life, losing a job, friend/coworkers, volatile relationship with my son, and losing my Mom that way, I was all but inconsolable. This puppy was, and still is my JOY, the light of my life, my happiness. Talk about mysterious ways!

And, this March, in the beginning of another volatile time in my life, a small red male husky was brought to my attention at a high kill shelter. I intended to foster him, but he was sick. I treated him for heartworm, as a result of the discomfort of the injection in his back, he threw himself in my lap with his head on my chest, I held him like a baby and he just stayed there in my arms. And in that instant, he became mine. He's a patient, tolerant, calm (rare for a husky) gentle boy, and has quickly become the 2nd light of my life. And, has become a personal play toy for my Maija, they are joined at the shoulder and inseparable.

Mysterious ways indeed!

And now, in spite of the chaos going on at home, I am planning two vacations, BOTH paid for by friends. I have been given the gift of having chosen the BEST friends I could ever ask for.

And now I get to go see some of my awesome new Twitter friends, and I can't wait!

So....even when it's bad...I try to remind myself of the good, and tell myself to trust in God's and the Universe's Divine timing, and trust that it will all work out right in the end. My horoscopes (Capricorn) all say that this is my year, to make changes and get what my heart truly desires.

So, my mantra, trust in timing, and this is MY year...good things to come.
GOOD things to come :)

Good Riddance to a Bad Decade

It's the last day of the year, and in a few short days I'll also be another year older.

Looking back on the last 10 years, I wish I could say I've enjoyed them all. But, they've been difficult, to say the least.

Over the last decade I have:

Lost my 1st husky, Niki

Became a caretaker to my Mother

Found and then lost one of my greatest loves

Found one of the greatest places to work I've ever had,

Then that place fell apart.

Found what I thought were awesome coworkers and friends

Then found out that they weren't what they seemed

Had 4 knee surgeries

Had 2 other surgeries, one that came with a breast cancer scare

Lost my 2nd Husky Sheba

Put my Mom in a nursing home, and watched her rapidly deteriorate, until she begged me to let her die.....and then carried out her wishes.

Engaged in a battle with my only child over just about everything...and still are at war

Lost my 16 year old Cat, Smokey



A lot of bad stuff, indeed. But, now that this decade is only minutes away and ticking by rapidly, I've decided that all of that bad stuff is now going away. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

So, I've purged my home of many things that I feel are cluttering up my life, in symbolism of ridding myself of what I no longer want or need.

All good, from now on!

So, in practice of this new philosophy, I will start with bringing to the forefront what was good for me in the past decade, in spite of how much was very bad.



I learned TaeKwonDo, and as a result of achieving 3rd degree Black Belt, and 7 State Champ titles, I discovered my potential and my abilities, and learned a whole new concept of confidence and pride.

I found my passion for animal medicine

I found a Husky PUPPY, my sweet angel puppy Maija, who has been the light of my life.
I discovered in the betrayal of some friends, the true friends I do have
I rescued a beautiful, loving, gentle soul, my newest husky, Jax, who is quickly becoming the second light of my life.

I reconnected with old friends on Facebook

I discovered TWITTER, and as a result of my latest addiction, have some of the best twitter family in the world. LOVE YOU GUYS.

I reunited with a childhood neighbor and close friend of my Mom's from when I lived in Chicago, Danny, and his Mom, and visited them in San Antonio, and it moved me to tears to be that close to a piece of the old days when I had a Mom and a Dad. It was like having a little piece of my Mom back.

I learned how to ride a motorcycle, and as a result have a BEAUTIFUL 2007 Night Rod Special that is my biggest obsession to date, which makes me feel indescribably fantastic!
And I've learned what I am NOT and what I don't like or need.


And I've begun to blog, to put my creativity to use, and to help purge my never stopping thoughts from my head, and I hope that it will help me rest from now on.

So, as the decade closes, and I've purged what I no longer want or need from my life...
BE GONE: sadness, lonliness, insecurities, feeling unloved, anger, fear, guilt, anxiety, worries

I ask God, and the Universe for a new decade full of positives.
Happiness
Good Friends
To Love and Be Loved
Health
Financial independence
And a long, and joyful existence
Not just for me, but for all the ones I love and care about on this earth

Let the new decade be good to us all!

Have YOURSELF a Merry little Christmas

Let me first say this: I don't hate Christmas. I am not Scrooge. (I do, however, hate winter.)

Christmas is a wonderful, magical time for many. I'll give you that.
But remember, that for as many of you that enjoy it, there are many that don't, and for good reason.

Think about it...Holidays: family& friends, loved ones, giving, generosity, love. It's all beautiful. IF you have it. Some don't.

For many people the Holidays are a difficult period to have to deal with. Lots of you out there can't wait for the holidays to come around so you can celebrate with those you love. But there are those of us who see the Holidays as something that they can't wait to be over. And that's ok!
Don't try to make us 'cheer up' or 'get over it', or 'lighten up'. Because, you know...if we could, we WOULD! Christmas is a happy time for people who have: Loved ones who care enough about us to make us happy, Loved ones we care enough about to make THEM happy, young children full of joy and awe for the season, and FAMILY they can be close to..
Not everyone has all of that. Hell, some people have NONE of that!

Holidays are especially hard for those of us who have lost loved ones who were very close to us. It doesn't just go away, you don't just get over it. Telling someone to think of the happy times, and honor their memory, because they wouldn't want you to be unhappy, doesn't work. That's all well and good in theory, but let me tell you from personal experience that it doesn't fill the VOID that is left behind. Nothing will. We will get over it our own way, and in our own time.
Don't oversimplify solutions for us, it borders on condescension. Don't you think that if it was really that simple, we would just DO it? Trust me, no one WANTS to feel this bad. But handing out advice isn't going to help, it only makes us feel more dysfunctional and broken.

For some, the holidays are a time of GRIEVING what used to be, because we are bombarded by the 'ideals' (pressure) of family, joy, & happiness this time of year unlike any other. And, until we've had enough time to get past it, however much time that might be, just tell us you love us, and let us ask you for help if we WANT it. Ok? We love our friends for wanting to help us, but please let us do our own grieving in our own time and don't make us feel guilty for not living up to your expectations or standards, thank you.