Be grateful for the little things/Prayer Request

I've not had a good few days lately. Personal things, mostly. Nothing new, the same things I've struggled with for years but am unable to correct at this point in my life. Patience is a virtue with which I have not been overly blessed. But I'm doing the best that I can with the little that I have.

It's storming pretty intensely here this morning, and I'm sure my basement will be taking water through the garage stairwell as it has been for a long time now. On the long list of to do things when there is 'extra cash', yeah right. The weather has it's way of making one miserable, if they allow it. In spite of the gloom and darkness, thunder and torrential down pouring out my window, I choose to look at the sunlight. How my silly dogs light up my life, the anticipation of the next trip to the race track, my shiny black motorcycle, my freedom to sleep in if I choose/aka the bright side to unemployment.

My perspective, as of late, has been enlightened by the owner/Mom to the Husky I have volunteered to foster while she is receiving chemo and hopefully a stem cell transplant for brain cancer. I had never met her or known about her, I merely responded to a post on animal control's wall one day. I love huskies with a passion, and I'd have a whole sled team if I had the resources. They're hilarious and silly, and a joy to be around. They bring me joy. So, it was just my way to pay it forward. Turns out, Sandy (Abby's owner/Mom) is just about all alone. She's quite sick, the cancer seriously affecting one whole side of her face, her speech, the ability to close one eye, and her ability to walk without aid. Yet, having no family left to speak of, has been fortunate to find a great friend and a neighbor to bring her to and from her treatments, they look out for her. In spite of her disabilities and sickness, she insisted on coming out to my house to help retrieve Abby from me and to personally thank me for caring for her beloved Abby. She kept trying to insist on giving me money, and of course, I declined ever time. What a sweet woman. Sandy hasn't been well this past couple weeks. Her blood work has not been good enough to receive the last chemo required to start stem cell transplant (a pretty serious setback). And, lately, has had a lot of pain. If she can't manage her pain on her own, she will be admitted to the hospital eventually.

So, I find myself thinking about Sandy, and all she is going through, and that helps me realize that whatever I have going on is part of the 'don't sweat the small stuff' theory. And know that everything shall pass...it all does. My request to all of you is, please, pray for Sandy, who is almost all alone, and fighting so hard to get through this treatment. Pray for her treatment and recovery during this incredibly difficult time that requires extraordinary strength.

Thank you :)

My ride taking flight

Did the first poker run of the riding season today. I’ve always loved poker runs. It’s a perfect combination of getting in a bunch of miles with multiple destinations, going places you’ve never been, having the camaraderie of a bunch of bikers kicking back and sharing a meal at the end of the trip, music, a little gambling, and of course, a chance for prizes. The best part of it all is it’s for a good cause.

This run was for Breast Cancer. That’s a cause I wholeheartedly support, and I try to find as many events as I can. My maternal Grandmother had breast cancer, and it’s listed as her cause of death (long story here, but it was a multitude of events post mastectomy that were just too much for her to handle). I was called in for ultrasound after a questionable mammogram several years ago. Then, after the ultrasound, I had to go in for a needle guided biopsy. It took what seemed like forever to get the results, and an eternity sitting in the doctor’s office waiting for her to come in to give me the results. “It isn’t cancer, but, we need to remove it or it will be.” I needed a lumpectomy. I had a bit of a meltdown on my drive home, lucky I could even see the road, actually. The procedure was fairly normal for everyone involved, but not for me. I had to go in very early in the morning, go to ultrasound so they could insert a wire in the exact location of the lump, then be wheeled to the OR for the surgery with this protruding piece of wire, surreal for sure. I was full of anxiety and nerves, but the staff at the St. Anthony Breast Care Center was warm, and caring, and made me feel so much more comfortable, and less alone.

Thank God, that for me, the final results of the lumpectomy were negative and I could go on with life as I knew it. A huge relief. Now, I take into consideration how much comfort a quality staff and facility means to a patient. ALL donations to breast cancer help develop skills and tools to help the patient, or gives the patient basic needs such as free mammograms or donated wigs so those in chemo can get some feeling of normalcy. So, if you can, give whatever you’re able, because every dollar is like a warm and caring embrace to someone in a desperate moment of need.

On my ride today, I spent some time absorbing and savoring the sensations that I’ve missed so much over the winter. The wind in my hair, the sun on my face, the silky soft warm air on my skin, the sporadic pockets of floral perfumed air, good music from my iPod, and the sound of my bike and the wind becoming one from underneath me, and traveling up through me. There are all sorts of explanations of what it feels like to ride a motorcycle. I think it must be as close to flying as you can get without actually leaving the ground. If I could, I would close my eyes and spread my arms out in the open and soar. It’s the feel and sound of the wind rushing past, almost through you, and taking in every sensation of your environment. You are so absorbed in that moment of living that the machine beneath you is no longer noticeable, it becomes an extension of you, and then you alone are being propelled forward through space, all time stands still and you simply feel, observe and live in the moment. Well, that’s my take on it anyway. It brings me to a place where I appreciate all the little things so much more, and feel closer to the Universe, or God, or whatever you want to label our creator.

It’s living in the moment and loving life, and feeling like life is giving you a warm and caring embrace. You don’t have to ride to feel that way. I suggest you go out and find something that you do that makes you feel good, and feel the powerful embrace of life. For me, it’s riding.

Learning to celebrate ALL that I am.

We all have quirks, traits, pet peeves, reflex reactions, and instincts. Good or bad, desirable or undesirable, they make us who we are.

• Me, I’m a chronic thinker, and I worry too much. But, it makes me prepared for what might come my way. I like to plan, and know what’s going to happen, so I’m as well equipped as I can be to handle what’s next.

• I’m stubborn, but that means I will stick with something until all avenues are exhausted, I give my best effort and then some.

• Some might see me as a know it all, but really, I just have tons of ideas and a lot of excitement and passion to see if I can do something and if it will make a difference.

• I’m impulsive, and impatient, I like to go out and get what I want or need as soon as possible.
• I can be insecure about some things, but it's merely a result of past experience, and it shows that I don't believe that I'm all that. I know I'm worthy because I give my all, but I'm not so arrogant that I'm certain there is nothing better.
  

• I’m eager to please, and love to be valued, which, sometimes makes me more selfless than I should be.

• I may be needy, but it only means that I feel so strongly that I crave and desire something so much that I just want that much more.

• I love with abandon, sometimes to my own detriment, and because of that, I’ve been burned, but I still believe. That has made me afraid of being vulnerable and trusting completely. It takes a long time to let someone in. But I promise, if you get there, it will be SO worth it.

• I’m devoted, caring, giving, and will be there if someone I care for needs me.

• I can be too negative, but there are certain things in my life that I cannot change (yet) and they have a way of dragging me down. I do my best to find the good stuff and focus on that, but even the most positive people in the world have their moments.

• I believe that God and the Universe have a plan, and I am a child of destiny. I’d like to know what that destiny is (there’s the chronic thinker worrier talking) but wouldn’t we all like to know that!?

• I am a believer in fate, and I refuse to let go of my hopes and dreams, but sometimes fear I’m beating my head against a brick wall. Yet, my stubbornness keeps me going and believing.

There you have me, in a nutshell. A little mental, some might say crazy, but it is who I am, and what makes me different than anyone you will meet!

Timing is EVERYTHING

For a while now, I’ve been watching my life path drifting away from where it once was. I’m not so sure if that path is drifting away from me, or I’m drifting off the path that I THOUGHT was where I should be going. I suppose it’s a little of both. Either way, it’s got me contemplating everything. I’m a chronic analyst. I think about everything, all the time. I’m one of those people who feels like if all the angles are covered, I’ll understand it all, and be better able to work with the plan. I’m a fixer, a doer, a fighter (not combative, but fighting for what I believe and for what I love). Yes, I’m a control freak, in the sense that I like to keep myself in control, in check, if you will, and when I lose it, it upsets me greatly. I try to leave no stone unturned, so that, in the end, I can rest on the fact that I did everything I could have possibly done. I’m always thinking at least one step ahead of right now. You would think that would have gotten me somewhere further than where I am by now, wouldn’t you? But, I am starting to feel like my drive to FIX it, might be driving me right into the unfixable.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m reevaluating every decision I ever made. The heart and eyes that I possess now contain more experience than ever, and are causing my mind to revisit my past and try to figure out what happened then, who I thought I was, what’s happening now, who I have become, and where do I go from here. My fear of the unknown is a big problem when it comes to navigating the unsolved puzzle of life. The unknown has brought me so many things, many of them for which I am grateful. Life also has brought an ample supply of ‘blessings in disguise’. I realize that they have made me stronger, but the struggle to climb through them has not been my favorite part, to say the least. I’ve had enough of that, I don’t want to go back there. I’m looking for my happy ever after. Aren’t we all! I’m not delusional, I realize that no one is always happy all the time. That’s not what I’m talking about, not at all. I’m wondering where do I go from here…I’m not a ‘let’s flip a coin kind of person’, never have been. I know who I want to be, and what makes me feel like that person.

Problem is, the view of the path to get there is obstructed. What to do…cut down the forest in front of me and trudge forward with fierce determination without regard for the no see’um critters that may be lurking?… take the time to gather the supplies (so much time has gone by already), build the ladder, climb to the top of the wall to get a better view (I’ve already bloodied my head beating it up against a wall plenty, to no avail)……or bust that fucker down with the biggest sledge hammer I can find? What to do, what to do?

Anticipation...is making me.........crazy~

It’s the middle of April…

The weather has been taunting those of us who prefer the 2 wheel mode of transportation, and especially tormenting for those of us who rely on such for therapy.

The sweet song of the wind in our ears is soothing to our souls, and after a long winter, those souls are sorely in need. It’s been an agonizingly long winter, but the grass is finally turning green, the sun looks so inviting (when it’s out), and our bikes are calling our names. I swore I could hear mine whimpering from under her blanket all winter, hidden in the dark, cold recesses of the corner of the garage. As if riding weather wasn’t anticipation enough, there’s race season to add to it. I made my official drag racing debut at the FINAL race of the season in Bowling Green KY last September. Baptism by fire, having my first race in the AMRA Fall Finals, and the beginning taste of a potential full-fledged addiction. I found something else totally enticing and addicting too…watching the guys hover around my bike brainstorming about what they can do to make it go FASTER. Oh YEAH, gimme whatever you have in mind, and let’s GO RACING!

The days are getting longer, the sun closer, and the temperatures warmer, and I’m itching to get out there and savor a new season’s worth of moments. Only one problem…my bike is in the shop. It’s all good though, she’s getting fitted with nitrous and a quick shifter! I don’t have a problem with the bike being in the shop, it’s a GOOD THING. I’m just sitting here, on pins and needles, with, not only the anticipation of riding season, not only a new full racing season, but brand new TOYS! OMG, I will be riding a Night Rod Special with NITROUS!! That’s some crazy ass shit right there!

I feel like I’m going to burst with excitement. I know that the job at hand is being completed with the utmost of meticulous care and precision and is all but complete. I am sure it will be ready to be sent for tuning any day now. All good things come to those who wait, so I’m trying my best to wait patiently…and for those of you who know me, that’s a BIG DEAL, cuz I’m lacking in that patience department. I’m a bundle of cheesy grins and nerves all wrapped up in eager anxiety, and it feels good to me.

I can’t wait for the payoff, to see how much time we can trim off my ¼ mile, to qualify for more divisions, to see the smiles on the faces of ‘my crew’ who helped accomplish it. So, in advance, in case I pee my pants with excitement (or fear) and miss the prime opportunity, a big fat THANK YOU to Steve & Brian for slapping this big cheesy Cheshire cat grin on my face already! U ROCK!

Leaps, bounds, and thousandths of seconds at 108+mph

Measuring my growth by the foot, and in thousandths of a second at 100+ mph.


This past weekend was an event that has been counted down to by many for months….the season opener of the 2011 AMRA Drag Racing. Long awaited, and eagerly anticipated, like children counting down to the last day of the school year. We’ve all been making our plans and preparations for ‘next year’ over the winter, and now, ‘next year’ is finally here.

The weather forecast was less than ideal, and many of us were opting out of the expense of traveling when the odds of being able to race weren’t in our favor. The whole week prior to leaving was a mental tug of war. We’re going, check the forecast, we’re not going, check the forecast, we’re going, we’re not going. And then just as I was sure the final decision was made, a last minute phone call…'get ur shit together, we’re goin’ racing'! And I was off and running like the proverbial headless chicken, but I got all my gear and we packed the truck tight & hit the road. 350 miles of anticipation, with crossed fingers and high hopes.

The turnout was pretty small, the temperature was a chilly 49 degrees and windy with cloudy skies, but we managed to get test n tune and several time trial runs in before the skies opened up on us and sent the whole pit scurrying to bring their 2 wheeled babies in for cover. Right from the start, I felt fairly pleased at my re-entry into my racing endeavor. The last time I took a stab at this, I was a bundle of nerves, and trying to keep at bay the internal self talk that wanted me to turn and run for my life. I noticed that now, instead of the shaking, the heart pounding in my chest and up into my head, and the Darth Vader-like breathing from inside my helmet from my first experience, I was a bit more composed, and dare I say somewhat comfortable. I’ve been through this once before, now I know where I should be, and what I’m supposed to do, the absence of uncertainty was of great comfort to me, and allowed me to relax a little. Of course I was a bit nervous when I rolled up to stage the first time, but it was more anxiety than it was fear. An eager anxiousness . It only took a couple times at the tree before I felt reacquainted with my reaction timing, and before I knew it, I had broken my personal best time, in spite of it being a bit of a slick track.

Sunday was gloomy and we were determined to squeeze the rest of qualifying and eliminations in before the impending rains came again. Even though it seemed scurried at times, it went pretty well. There weren’t a ton of bikes, so I seized the opportunity to get as many passes in as I could. It was cold, and even with my heated grips cranked up, my fingers were getting numb, but I was determined to get as much in as I could. I felt like I was hitting a nice groove, content…frozen, but settled. I basically just turned laps, until my fingers began to sting from being so cold. I guess I just didn’t notice how cold they really were until they started to burn. Somehow, I managed to break my personal best twice! Before this weekend, the fastest I had ever run was a 12.34 at 107mph. Saturday I hit a 12.28 at 108mph, but I red lit, so I didn’t get a results ticket. Sunday, I broke the NEW personal best, and ran a 12.27 at 108.84 mph. I knew it was a good run, I FELT it. I was wide open, shifting at the right time, feeling the force of the wind pushing my helmet, throttle pinned down, not letting up at all and I was in front of the bike in the next lane. It was SWEET. Exhilarating doesn’t even begin to describe it. I entered myself in two classes. In the class with the faster bikes, SE class, I resign myself to the fact that I’m only doing it for seat time. The field is large and the bikes are about a full second faster than me, and I know I pretty much don’t stand a chance. But, it’s good to have track time for practice. Well, I’ll be damned, I ALMOST made the field! I made 1st alternate in SE class. Yes, it’s the fastest among the ‘losers’ as some might look at it, but hell, that was closer than I had gotten before! I was told to line up next to the field and be ready just in case someone doesn’t make it. I watched one of the competitors roll his bike out of line and I instantly got that shaky, hard to breathe, chest pounding case of nerves, oh my God, I could have to go up there!!! Stay cool, breathe slow, focus, you can do this. Then they got the other bike started so I didn’t get to run. But that’s fine, I was happy to be farther up the list than I had ever gotten.

I almost missed my class, everything was out of order, and a little chaotic, I had to scurry to get myself to the staging lanes at the last minute. Gave myself the ‘if you wanna be a big dog, here you go, get off the porch’ talk, and went over a little mental check list. “Gloves, jacket zippers, seat position, CHECK! Did some self reminders: throttle pinned down, shift, then see where the bike in the next lane is, remember this time, roll out a bit if you’re ahead so you don’t break out!!!” I had been feeling pretty good about the experience so far…until I got to the line, watched the tree light up and got just a little tiny bit too eager to roll…and red lit! Grrrrr!!!!

So I screwed up when it counted most…I beat myself up about it for a little while, over analyzing every little detail. But then I made a mental list of the progress I had noted in the past two days. It may have only been in thousandths of seconds, but in drag racing, every fraction matters. I got myself down into the 12.2’s, made 1st alternate in SE class. I was able to run the whole track with the throttle pinned wide open. I rode out some slick and squirrely launches, where as before, I would react out of intimidation and let off. I got to talk to a few fellow racers, and was again, impressed by the feeling of family. I was complimented, and asked if I had raced anything before, and that really meant a lot to me. One of the spectators gave me a thumbs up when I rolled up to the line, I had no idea who she was. I broke my personal best, and I didn’t let fear get the best of me. It might have only been tiny fractions of improvement, but it was leaps and bounds as far as I'm concerned. I measured up better than before, and that was good enough for me.

Have you ever spent the best time of your life with the one you LOVE the most and you just want to live in that moment forever? Yeah, it's like THAT!

I can’t wait to do it all again, come on June!!!!

Mistaken

Do not mistake …
my tears for weakness,
I may cry when I’m overwhelmed, but I am strong
My smile for happiness or my straight face for lack thereof
I may smile when I’m uncomfortable, or when filled with love
My needing you for selfishness
I may allow myself to need you, but I know my worth
My willingness to put you first for selflessness
I pick you because you bring me joy, but I can change my mind if necessary
My high tolerance for being a doormat
My tolerance level is equal to the amount of love and caring I feel from you
My loving you above all else for being a pushover
I love you as much as you love me, and if there is imbalance, I can reevaluate
My choosing you above all for lack of choices
I CHOOSE you because you make me feel important too
My silence for anger or unhappiness
I quietly reflect all I feel, the good and the bad
My eagerness to give all of me for foolishness
I see more than you know, and feel more than I show

Give all, but be all, to deserve love is to have earned love
Welcome it, cherish it, but most of all, nurture it
And never ever be neglectful of