Broken

Once upon a time, I was a happy girl. I vaguely remember enjoying life...problem is, I didn't know then that I should be savoring every moment instead of being in a hurry to get to the 'goal'. The cheesy saying it not about the destination, it's the journey, it's so true.

When I was in school, I couldn't wait til I graduated. Once I graduated I couldn't wait til I found someone to spend my life with. Once I found someone who was serious about me, I couldn't wait to get engaged. When I got engaged, I couldn't wait til the wedding. When I got pregnant, I couldn't wait til the baby came. When the baby was a toddler, I couldn't wait til he went to school. All this excitement, happiness, eagerness to get to the next great thing. My focus was off. I don't remember the happiness...I was too busy working toward the goals living my life, marching forward, x'ing off day after day from my calendar and from my life.

All that good stuff on my list. Done that, check! And it was all checked off by the time I was 26. (21 if you don't count the years waiting for my son to start school as a goal to be counted down toward.) Spent all my time marching toward the goal not stopping to think if this was the goal I really should be achieving. Got the man, got the house, got the kid, 'perfect' suburban life. Caution, objects in this life are farther than they appear. Far from happy. Far from right.

I'm pretty good at stuffing it down and 'lying in the bed that I made' if you will.
It's not so bad, it could be so much worse. The problems I have pale in comparison to what other people are going through. I am thankful I have a nice house, new motorcycle, a decent paying job, a healthy son, and too many of life's little luxuries to count. I have SO much.

I've posed this question before: At what point does focusing on the positives become fooling yourself into believing you could be happy like this? Because I tell myself all the time that I have a nice life, and I can be content. I am a passionate person...my feelings run deep and strong. When I love, I jump in with both feet and give my everything, all I have, and all I AM. I gave up my identity.
When I work, I give all I that I am capable of, and am always trying to be capable of more. Then I let my work define me. To my friends, I give everything I can whenever they need. I am a people pleaser.

I have given away all of me, and put everyone else's needs and feelings before my own. It's a selfish thing to want more than what you have now. It's selfish to put my foot down and think of myself first. Or is it? I'm pretty sure I know what it is that would make me happy and enjoy life again. But, at what point are you allowed to do what makes you happy, if it means others around you will not be?

I'm even dissatisfied with the content of this blog as I am writing it. I prefer more organization, and more logic and solution...a neat closure. I can't close this in a neatly tied package, because I don't have the answer. My thought process is as broken as I am. I'm a fixer, and I have this overwhelming and obsessive desire to FIX this broken me. But all I'm able to do right now is keep gluing the broken pieces back in place and going about my business delicately so as not to knock them all to the ground.

Recharged

The tattoo above is the newest addition to my ink collection. The 'M' stands for my Mother's side of the family. My uncle is the last male in our family with the last name Miller, and he had a daughter. So there, on my wrist, for the whole world to see, is the indelible remains of a family that I hold dear to my heart. I have included it in an addition on my post "Inked, how much is too much", but I thought I would put it here, just to reiterate what has been on my mind these days...with Mother's day coming and all, it's on my mind even more than usual.

I've just returned from a wonderful trip to see old friends. A TRUE vacation indeed. I actually RESTED, absorbed, ENJOYED. I feel recharged.

As you all know, dear readers, I've mourned the passing of my Mom for 3 years and counting. And you know that my so called Dad (aka alcoholic abuser) has been out of my life since I was 7 and my Mom took me away in the middle of the night with just the clothing on our backs.

Rewind to the past:
I was born and lived in Chicago until I was 7 years old. As a small child, my best friend in the world was, of course, my next door neighbor who was a little over a year older than me. My fondest childhood memories contained sitting at the neighbor's dinner table eating home made flour tortillas, jumping on the bed, watching Wizard of Oz on a tiny little black & white tv, swinging on my swingset while the scent of pine sol wafted from the windows of the next door neighbors house directly behind my jungle gym.

My next door neighbors were the Garcia's. Danny was my best friend, and he had a much older (16 years) brother and sister. Our Mom's were close friends back in the day. When we moved away, our Mom's still tried to get us together to spend time, but it was difficult, because Danny's Mom didn't drive, and my Mom wouldn't go near the house in fear of my Father's abusive tendencies. We did make it out for lunches to White Castle, where Danny used to tease me because I could only eat 1 hamburger. (For those of you not in the midwest or without knowlege of 'sliders'..they are little square hamburgers smaller than the palm of your hand. And they usually come with gastrointestinal consequences, a slider hangover, if you will.) We played in the park, rode bikes on the trails, ate donuts at Huck Fin's. But, after Dad bashed in the front and rear windows of the crappy little car Mom got in the divorce settlement (which was ALL she got, he made sure of that), we moved farther away to the far south suburbs. Too far away for visits, and my Mom was very busy working downtown and supporting a child as a single mother.

Now fast forward to the present:
One day, I decided to check into my classmates.com profile, as it had been many months since I had been there, I notice a message in my inbox. Low and behold there was a hello from my old bestest pal, Danny! I could not believe my eyes! But it had been there since December, and it was now May! I responded with great enthusiasm, and hoped that he had not given up on me. After a couple days he responded with equal excitement. We chatted back & forth via email, and invited me to visit him and his Mom in Texas for her 81st birthday party. At first I politely declined his gracious invitation to stay at their house. After a couple days of thinking about how our Mom's were close, suddenly I burst into tears and felt like I had the opportunity to reach out and grab a little bit of my happy past, and a little tiny piece of my Mom as a result. Unsure how successful the reconnection would go, I visited for only a long weekend. Little did I know, when I got there, it was as if we had never skipped a beat. I loved spending time with his family. I actually got to hear stories about my Mom and my Dad too. As often happens with bitter divorces, the good details get shoved into a corner while all the negatives stand in the foreground for all to see and remember. Dan's siblings told me how much my Dad worshiped me, and gave me everything my little heart desired. I was, indeed, a spoiled Daddy's girl. (But, don't forget, still petrified of the abusive alcoholic all the while.)It was nice to hear their recollections, and I got to find out a few things about myself in the process. i.e. My Dad created the unloading ramps at the train yard for all the cattle, out of railroad ties and strong building materials. He was a master at creating solutions and ideas. (I had the ah hah moment of 'that's why I'm so handy, and always looking for ways to make things easier or better.) Dad was an inventor. Something that was rarely, if ever, disclosed by my Mom, or Grandparents. They hated him...and for good reason. I cried like a baby when I left, I had gotten a little piece of my childhood and my Mom back, and I didn't get enough time with them.

I went back again just last week and stayed for a whole week this time. We did pretty much NOTHING (no actual events, no actual plans) the whole week. It was the best 'nothing' I've done by far! We dined out daily on some absolutely awesome food, ran a few errands, jet skiing on the river on Sunday, sat on the patio by the pool...and talked. We never really ran out of anything to say! I slept better than I have in YEARS...and that's a big deal for me...not only because I'm an insomniac, but because I can NOT sleep ANYwhere but my own bed! And there I was, falling asleep within 30 minutes, and sleeping for at least 8 hours straight! UNHEARD OF! (for me, anyway!) I cannot stress the fact that I absolutely LOVE spending time with them....and when it was time to leave....the only thing I could get out through the tears of goodbye was thank you SOOO much, and I LOVE you!

There I was crying like a fool going through security check at San Antonio airport. I was sad....but happy. Depleted but Recharged. Lonely again, but reunited.
My spiritual batteries were recharged, and I felt peaceful again.

After the last disasterous 2 months, I cannot stress enough how badly I needed this feeling! In your life, some people come, some people go.... Good riddance to those who come only to get what they need and then leave, or those who choose to hurt you instead of FIX things....and the ones that go and come back are truly VERY special indeed!

Life has it's ways of draining and depleting us, but the Universe, and God fill you back up. I still believe that this is my year.....I will finally get to be the me that I know I am...fulfilled, happy, loving, and joyful...I'm looking for that open door...so come on.....BRING IT!

It was really a fulfilling trip for me. As a child, my family used to call me Shari, which, as I grew older, I didn't like. But, now that I have so little family left, hearing Danny & his Mom all call me Shari, it warms my heart :)


So I've decided I should post some of my restful, peaceful, spirit recharging pictures with this blog. Enjoy!

The Salt Lick BBQ in Driftwood, TX....a meat lover's paradise! http://www.saltlickbbq.com/

Spent the afternoon picnic & jet ski on the Guadelupe River

Canyon Lake in New Braunfels TX

Words as weapons

Words spoken in anger are the sharpest most dangerous of weapons in your arsenal. Some are deserving of unfriendly fire…not many, but some.
When speaking with someone you know inside and out, someone you care about, you need to tread lightly, because you know every single thing that will hurt them the most, and they’ve trusted you enough to let you in to gain that knowledge. Anger is not an acceptable excuse to say what you want. To hell with the consequences, I’m ANGRY!
Sure people say some things they don’t mean when they’re angry, but I’m talking about reaching way down deep, fully knowing this is the one thing you can say that will damage them the most…the knock em on their ass so they won’t get back up factor. It’s inexcusable!

I’ve recently had a falling out with someone that was a dear friend. It started out as an ‘I’m not speaking to you and you’re not speaking to me’ situation. And, as I know this friend well, I’m sure they were convincing themselves of every negative thing that they were assuming about the situation, so after several weeks I tried to clarify. I chose my words with care. I edited and re-edited everything that I thought would sound like pointing fingers, assuming, judging, and anger. The subject was still touchy, even written carefully. I concluded the email with I hope that this is just a misunderstanding our both our parts, or that it’s a passing phase.

Well, as I feared, the backlash was wicked. My ‘friend’ came back with a vengeance, pointing every sharp finger, every dagger of a word, finding the very things that would hurt the most. The damage is irreparable. I emailed back that the words were intentionally cruel and that I would not engage in that kind of fighting, because that’s not how you talk to someone you supposedly care about. Three more emails later, I had to put said person on my blocked list. The final straw was the email titled it’s all about you, you won’t listen to anyone. Not true, I heard everything, in fact I’ve heard it to the point it keeps echoing through my head over and over. I do not want to let this kind of stressful negativity into my head, it’s toxic. I have plenty going on in my life, I don’t need any more to feel bad about. I’m smart enough to know when there is a no win situation, and to back away. So, my final email said, ok, you’re right, I’m wrong, I’m sorry. You win, are you happy now? I wish you nothing but the best, goodbye.

I’m not the first casualty of wicked words in this person’s life. They are excommunicated from in-laws because of bitter angry statements. It was a very bad situation, however if there was a filter between the angry thoughts and the words coming out of their mouth, it wouldn’t have ended that way. So, I’m added to the casualty list now.

Even if said person were to apologize, the damage is so deep, nothing will ever be the same. I cannot continue a close personal friendship with someone that I have to be afraid to voice my opinion or get upset by something they do. That’s how this started. My ‘friend’ was doing something very wrong, but had the nerve to call me out on something else, and I got angry and stepped back. My stepping back was interpreted as rudeness and negative, and that lead to the not speaking and the self convincing. I reached out to point out what the root of the problem was that made me upset, and the rest is sad history.

So, the moral of the story here is be careful with the words you use around those you love. Everyone says things in anger, but when you go down the path of finding every single thing that will hurt them the most, you need to prepare yourself for the worst. Once you’ve wounded someone to the core, the relationship has been forever changed.

Crossroads

Well, here I am, at a crossroads of my life, waiting to find out which direction I will take. My mind is racing, more than usual, about how to approach this particular situation.

Those of you who have read my blogs, already know the ridiculousness that is my work place. For those of you who haven't read my previous rantings about my work, let me try to get you up to speed. I work at a place where management keeps an out of sight out of mind philosophy. Wife spends the money before the bills get there, then complains we don't make enough money to pay the bills and demands we raise our prices. Wife used to work in the office, but hasn't in over 4, and has no clue how busy it has gotten. Boss is so busy he has no clue what's really going on.

I work with several coworkers...let me introduce you to the cast of characters...
Woman A was hired 28 years ago when it was a sleepy town, knows everyone and everything, used to work alongside boss' wife, feels that because she has been here so long, she deserves special consideration, and works at the speed of a disabled snail. Refuses to multitask, constantly running around harriedly asking for help, putting phones on hold just so they don't ring, sabbotaging everything she can to try to make herself feel more important.

Woman B is a dipshit who stares into space, makes idiotic mistakes, is completely clueless, has driven past and forgotten to pick up her own daughter who was standing across the street waiting for her. She is spiteful and will do something just because if someone else can do it, so can I. She constantly calls boss' wife to complain about EVERYTHING.

Woman C was hired to clean and work in back, however because woman A is incapable of actually handling the front desk, she has to babysit her. However, Woman C is very skilled at finding the plae where the least amount of work is going on, to plop herself down and avoid her actual job of cleaning. Oh, and when I got sick beginning of the year, I was told I couldn't have my paid sick days yet because it wasn't my 'start date' yet, but i've been there 3 years and this issue wasn't a problem when I got sick in Jan last year, and that year I was reduced to 2 sick days a year....and then Woman C got sick, went into the hospital...and they paid her TWO WEEKS sick time.

Girl D is the daughter of Woman C, she has her mother's work ethic. She is 19, going to college, and likes to do her homework on company time. She takes twice as long to do things as the disabled snail because she reads every newspaper before she lays it down to line the kennels with, and she texts on her phone all day long. She has become an expert at timing the 'do you need any help' question perfectly so that the answer is No. And Girl D gets paid doubletime to work on sunday, and takes 3 hours to do the work that can be done i half the time. But management won't fire Girl D because she is the daughter of Woman C and she's so important to the office...HAH

Then there's me....I'm not usuall one to 'toot my own horn' and brag about my capabilities. But in this case, I must. I have a strong work ethic, I take pride in being of assistance, being crucial and good at what I do. I'm always looking for ways to make things better, easier, more professional. I bust my ass at this job. I have proven on paper that I handle 2 to 4 times the workload the other people do there. And, as a result of being a good worker, I'm always the one the boss comes to when he wants something done, he bitches to me and at me, because he knows that i will give a shit and actually do something about it. Being responsible and capable is no longer a bonus it is a drawback. I've complained about what's going on there to no avail. So, as a result of no progress, I decided if I can't beat 'em, join 'em. I slowed my work and my ambition and caring for the job down. I was pulled aside and told that it would reflect on my raise. Well....when raise time came, guess what...NO one got raises because there wasn't enough money coming in...BUT..they gave bonuses...and EVERYone got the same bonus, because they 'didn't want to make anyone mad'. And then, after complaining they had no money, proceeded to gut their kitchen and completely remodel it because wife needed a new dishwasher, and the dishwasher also had matching stove, fridge, range, etc, so they remodeled. Ok, seriously...as a buisness owner and employer, it IS your right to do whatever you want with your income...but if you're going to tell your employees you have no money, you should probably keep the remodeling information on the down low!

The problem is, what I do is my passion, and I get paid fairly well to do it. However, Woman A and Woman B are getting paid $3.50 and $2.50 respectively more than I do. Yes, longevity has it's merits, however so do capabilities and contributions to the business. I take the initiative to get things done, and make things better. I'm the only computer literate person there, so my skills help them keep track of pricing, and I make all of the internal documents.
I am at my wit's end beating my head against a brick wall trying to get anything to change. The workplace is causing me migraines and loss of sleep. ALL of the frustrations I have can be solved with one simple action. Pay me in accordance to my work, and when the others don't do their jobs, or can't handle the workload, I can shrug it off and say to myself, I get paid more than they do, whatever.

I've been offered a job in a medical office...something I've never done before, but am not afraid to try. But, having had the luxury of working where my passion lies, I'm afraid that the other job will not make me happy. It will, however give me excellent exprience and marketability in the workforce. It will be more hours and only slightly more money than what I get now. But it's twice the drive, and I will not get any animal discounts anymore, and I have 3 dogs and 1 cat, half of whom are on medication or prescription diets. I completely love what I do, I completely hate the situation I work in.

I'm going to ask for a $5 an hour raise to compensate for the imbalance in workload and productivity, but I'm fairly certain they will laugh in my face. I will end up telling them either the work gets evened out, or the pay does, and if not, I'm gone.
But I'm trying to figure out which way to go about the conversation.
Me...I've been offered another job and it's twice what I make now, so either I need $5 an hour more, or I'm gone.
Boss, hahahah are you out of your freakin mind? sorry
or
Me....bitch my ass off about how bad it is there and how unfair the workload and expectations are, and explain adnauseum why I'm so frustrated and unhappy, and ask for the raise and see what happens....
Boss...well...blah blah blah, blow smoke up my ass..blah blah, the usual crap

and as if that wasn't enough...the place is on the brink of going computerized, and I would be the ONLY person who knows all aspects of the program, and could save them $700 a day for inhouse trainers to come down...which puts me in a pretty sweet position....but the problem with that is, the new job offer is NOW, and the computers are weeks away....

Dear Universe, Dear Lord, Dear Readers....help me out of my own little Hell!

Screw it, let's ride!

Anticipation is making me wait…
Patience has never been my strong suit. I seem to always be in a hurry to get to the next step, the next achievement, the next event.
I am chomping at the throttle to get this bike on the road with the new unbling on it. Not that it makes a difference in the way the bike rides, but it does make a difference in the way it makes me smile.
The ONE place where I make it a point to slow my mind and savor every moment that I’m experiencing is when I’m riding. It’s not the destination, it’s the ride is so true. Feel the wind, the sun, listen to the bike, hear the wind in your ears, FEEL the experience. It’s ecstasy on wheels!

I was contemplating today that there are so many different views on spending your time. Mostly I was thinking about it in regards to riding.
Living in the Midwest, where the riding season is really only May through September if you’re lucky, and working weekdays, every weekend without rain is precious. Now, granted, I do not have small children, so those people would not fall into the category I am in, because time with your children is far more precious than anything.
My summer weekends are a fleeting commodity, and the closer it gets to the end of summer, the more greedy and stingy I am with them. Last year my niece’s bridal shower was a weekend in July. I chose to ride instead. Now some of you may find this very selfish, and you are entitled to your opinion, but first listen. It had been a crappy riding year, a lot of rain and cooler than normal temperatures. The niece was not a child I’ve been close to, and I did send them a very nice gift. I am certain she did not say to herself, damn, I wish my Aunt Sharon was here today. Hardly. My theory was, I am not wasting an entire day sitting at a bridal shower wearing uncomfortable girlie clothes, watching someone unwrap gifts, eating catered food sitting at a table of people I don’t really know or probably even like, when I could be one with my bike, soaking up the summer sun, perhaps discovering roads I’ve never traveled before. Selfish? Maybe. The older I get, the less I care what people think about me.


I have friends that say they’ll go with me on a poker run, only to bail out at the last minute because they have something else they need to do. Those people are in the ‘other’ category. Those who feel that their time is also precious, but there are many things they need to accomplish or experience, and that spending the day wandering roads and putting miles on for no reason other than to waste a day, is a waste of their time. The direct opposite of me. I’m not saying they’re wrong, or I’m right. To each his own.

So, mid June I have another wedding to attend. This time, a nephew. Another child I’ve spent very little time with. Only this time it will be an entire weekend because the event is in southern Illinois. A long drive there, an overnight at a hotel, and a long drive home. A commitment to which I don’t want to tie myself down, I’d rather be riding, weather permitting. I cannot send the response card in saying we’ll see what the weather is, if it’s shitty, I’ll gladly attend, but if it’s nice, I’m riding. They wouldn’t understand (they don’t ride). So my dilemma is to commit or not to commit. I’m sure the message it sends to family if I don’t attend a wedding would be a negative one, but as I said, the older I get, the less I care what others think about me! My happy medium I suppose would be to ride to southern Illinois, weather permitting. But I can’t ride to a wedding in girlie clothes and walk in with biker hair…so I will have to ask to hitch a ride with someone. I would still much rather send them a nice gift, stay at home, with my riding friends, spending my precious time the way I want. I am selfish, I know this.

The shortest distance between two points…..is for people who don’t ride! Life is short….screw it..Lets RIDE!

I HATE confrontation!

The whole purpose of this blog is to purge what’s been on my mind…so as boring as work problems here, here goes:

I bust my ass at work, it’s my nature, when we’re busy, I work double time. I like being a part of solutions to better things and make things easier. I created a lot of professional looking documents at home on my laptop, and for over a year, I was bringing my laptop to work because we don’t have computers…until I finally convinced them to buy a cheap laptop.
So…here’s my issue:
I work with a receptionist who has been there over 27 years, she’s used to the old country ways of a sleepy quiet town, she knows everyone and talks to EVERYONE. Great, but that’s ALL she does. I’ve ranted about her before, she carries around papers to make her look like she’s doing something so she can ignore everything else going on around her because she’s ‘busy’. She does little to nothing in the way of working. The other receptionist is a spiteful, clueless dimwit, ‘nuff said. If I go hoover my lunch (while answering phones and everything else) she will come in the next day with a full meal & read a magazine, just because I ate lunch.
The day kennel help, spends most of her time up front babysitting the 27+ yr office bitch, and avoiding anything she can in the way of work. Her daughter is the afternoon kennel help, she texts, and reads each and every newspaper before she lines the kennels with them.
For a little while I was cutting my work performance down because complaining wasn’t getting a thing, so if they were going to get all the perks, screw it. Then I was ‘spoken to’ and told that my raise would reflect it…HAH next thing a few months later…Boss says money is tight so no raises for anyone last year, but gave us bonuses…but everyone got the SAME bonus.
This spring Boss is remodeling his kitchen and the basement. (I realize that is a boss’s prerogative, however if you’re telling your workers there’s no money, you should probably keep your renovation plans to yourself.)
In January this year, I got screwed out of a sick day, because it wasn’t April yet and my start date was April 1st. Ok, but last year when I got sick in January they only paid me 2 sick days because they suddenly decided there was a cap on sick days, when before there wasn’t. So a few weeks ago, the day kennel help who does little to nothing of her job, gets sick and lands in the hospital for a while, and they pay her 3 WEEKS of sick days! I understand being sick for weeks is a hardship, and it’s great that they did that for her, but it’s equally as BAD that they argued semantics with me over a sick day taken too early, and I wasn’t even asking for something that was in addition to what I was supposed to have COMING to me.

Add to all the above that the management has an out of sight out of mind business philosophy and won’t fire anyone, no matter how bad they are, because they might look bad….and I’m always the one he comes to when he wants something do because he knows I’ll make sure to get it done, so I’m always the one being told what to do, while the others are getting away with doing NOTHING because they can.


So, here is my dilemma, the others get paid more than I do, and I do more work than they do…3-4 times more work. I thoroughly believe that I am worth more. It is not in my nature to stand up and say I “deserve” ….so I’ve been putting it off…..but it’s really getting ridiculous!
I need pep talks to get brave & stand up for what I believe!

Arizona

From the minute I walked out of the airport and into the Arizona sun, I felt LIGHTER, freer, happier, content. But the trip itself was a disaster for the most part. At the airport I couldn't find my headphones, so I paid outrageous airport prices for a new pair, only to get there and realize I did have them, they were just stuffed away in my luggage, and then leaving them in the rental car when we returned it. At the gate, my cooler/carry on was too big and they made me check it, and I left the charger and dvds in it after I took my laptop out of it. I sprained my ankle by missing the last step at the hotel the very first whole day I was there, and then hiked a 2.5 mile path up Superstition Mountain (my place of peace). My friend walked the whole trail with me, and she fell on the way down. It stormed pretty bad Saturday night, and the next two days were only in the 50’s. We were very late for the return flight and when I got to the airport they had to search my carry on. Apparently I exceeded the amount of small bottles of liquids and they threw out my hairspray and flat iron spray. I find it ironic that security at Sky Harbor airport it tighter than O’hare International.

Aside from the above, I had several highlights from my trip. I was determined not to let any of that junk interfere with my enjoyment of my favorite place. After I sprained my ankle Friday morning, I continued on with my plans to hike Superstition Mountain, my place of peace. I had decided to take some of my Mom’s ashes there with me and scatter them. She was never able to physically go up the mountain trails like my son and I did every year, but she would have loved to. It’s silent up there, serene, a nice breeze, you can actually hear the wind, see the hawks soar, wings outstretched, gliding but not moving at all. The wildflowers in spring, a carpet of little yellow and white poppies, the shades of the stones. Reds, corals, grays, oranges, even purple. My Mom always loved Native Americans, and their history. The superstition mountains had history. Legend has it that the Apache Indians hid gold they had stolen from the Spaniards.
I found a beautiful area lined with large stones, boulders and some brush to provide shade, and whispered goodbye again, and cast her ashes to the wind. It was a powerful and spiritual moment for me which brought me to tears. I think she would be happy.
It was very difficult for me to retrieve those ashes from the urn that sits on my curio. I was always too upset to even open the wooden jewelry box type urn, let alone open the container that lies within. But, I took a deep breath, cut the seal on it, opened the bag, removed the tag, and opened the inner bag to scoop out a small amount of ashes. I was not prepared for how difficult it would be for me, because I wasn’t aware of how much crushed bone there was in the cremains. I knew I would most likely encounter bone fragment, but I was taken aback by the gravel like consistency of it. It really upset me to say the least. Took me a long time to calm down from that. So….after going through all of that, I refused to let a sprained ankle interfere. After all, this trip could very well end up being the last one that I would be physically fit or able to do that hike.

Saturday night we went to dinner with my Arizona twitter pals…and I cannot say enough how much I love them. They’re all wonderful, treated me like family, and I felt a strong sense of belonging. Earlier that morning I was even given the gift of taking a ride on the back of a motorcycle to Tortilla Flat, which is in the superstition mountain range. Beautifully stunning scenery, it was a fulfillment of one of my fondest wishes, to ride on a bike alongside my mountain, enjoying Arizona air. My Grandma could see Superstition Mountain out of her kitchen window. When I first visited her as a little girl, she would say see my mountain? Then, when my son came with me, I would tell him when we hiked, this is my mountain, and he would argue with me that it was his, so we would agree that it was OUR mountain. It has deep special meaning to me, and to be able to ride there, it was indeed a bucket list moment. And I thank Tony for making it come to fruition. Love ya Tony, you and Becky are GOOD PEEPS, the greatest! There are not words for how special that was for me. xoxo.

Saturday night it ended up storming like crazy, lightning, thunder, pounding rain. As my bff stood out on the balcony watching the lightning over our view of North Mountain, I mentioned that my Mom loved storms and loved watching them. Then it came to me…the day after she passed, I woke up to a raging storm, lightning galore. I said, that must be Mom, up there saying do that again, I wanna see!
The day after I spread her ashes in Arizona, it stormed like crazy in the desert. Coincidence? Perhaps…but I think maybe not. I believe in God, and the Universe, and I believe they speak to us in many ways. While on the mountain hike, I sat looking toward the top, and asked God and the Universe for my hearts desires. Happy, healthy, financially secure, to be loved and in love for many joyful years of the rest of my life, so that I can, in turn spread joy and happiness, and help in any way that I can.

It all went by so fast, and now I’m home, back in the cold. But my heart is warmer these days, having visited my favorite place, and meeting up in person with my favorite people. Warmer indeed!