Love Letter

Dearest
As you’ve had your reasons, your friends, and family, and loves have proven themselves to be fleeting at times, you’ve gone through too much of your life believing you are not good enough.
I’m writing to tell you that you’re right, you’re NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You are so much better than just good enough!

You, my dear, are a precious gem, with a beautiful loving heart. I know it’s been broken, and you have your guard up, but your love is grand, and it deserves to be shown. You may have been hurt by those who have taken advantage or for granted of your trust and devotion, but the tragedy is theirs, not yours. They missed out on a most precious gift. They had a taste of it, but they will never know the scope of your affection and devotion. But that’s ok, they didn’t deserve it, as they’ve shown you. Don’t let that deter you from giving your whole heart to those who do.

When you look in the mirror, stop focusing on the scars & flaws, they are there, but a small part of who you are. As with the thorns and curled leaves on a rose, the whole picture is created by God, so take it all in. Embrace yourself, you are the only you there is. A fingerprint, a precious diamond, with a heart of gold. Fear not, of what others think of you, they are just as flawed as you are. Do not come from a place of self destruction, self loathing, self defeating, but one of unconditional self love that you richly deserve. In spite of betrayals, botched circumstances, detours, you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now. Trust yourself and what you believe to be true. Pain and heartache have turned into the light of knowing how wonderful happiness feels. Heartbreak and loss has shown you how precious and extraordinary love really is. False love by impostors sheds clear light on the divinity of true love.

Do not pass judgment on the aspects of your personality that you may wish weren’t there, but embrace them as opportunity to learn from, for they are only a tiny fragment of your being. You, at your very essence are lovable, valuable, cherished, and worthy of celebration and total joy. So keep your heart open, and take it all in. Love yourself, unconditionally. You ARE worthy.

Love,
ME

Who Do You Think YOU Are??

Not so long ago, I was watching as Oprah explained and introduced the half sister she never knew she had. I found myself thinking what that must feel like. In much earlier posts I explained that my Dad was an abusive alcoholic, and has been estranged to me and my Son for 22 years, and was estranged prior to that as well, but in High School I looked him up. My Mom had said to me before, "I wouldn't be surprised if he had another family out there." This is why I found myself wondering what it's like to meet a sibling you didn't know existed. Ironically, in the middle of that episode, was a commercial for Marco Island & the Everglades, Florida, a place where my Dad had told me he spent his winters. I thought to myself, whoa, is this a sign from the universe? And if it is, I should act on it. So...I logged on to Ancestry.com, the next thing I knew, it was 5 p.m.! I only knew my Dad's Father's name, and wasn't certain of even that. Not too long after entering the both of them in my family tree, it brought up some hints for me to examine. Someone's family tree had my Grandfather listed as their father, and that was the only thing on their tree. I clicked on their info, and emailed them that their family may be related to me. By the next morning there was an email in my inbox, saying OMG, your Dad is my brother, you're my Niece! I didn't know my Dad had siblings.

Before the end of the next day we had exchanged phone numbers, and my 'new' Aunt called me. We talked about the family tree, and she told me that my Dad had 2 sons from a prior marriage, and that they were adopted by their Mom's 2nd husband, and she didn't know their names. I have 2 half brothers out there somewhere. I'm stunned, and now I'm second guessing so much of what I thought I was. I've grown up an only child, and now I'm not. Mind boggling to say the least. What do I do with this information now?

My little family has shrunken considerably in the past several years. I've lost my Mom's parents, the only Grandparents I ever knew, and a few years ago, my Mom passed away as well. When your Mom dies, you feel like an orphan, alone in the big world, with no one there. Yes, there are people around you, but in your core being, you feel that the last thread tying you down to earth was severed, and you could free fall at any moment.

My 'new' Aunt is very kind, and seems to be quite caring toward me. She wants me to come visit this summer, and I'm thinking about it. She has 6 daughters, and she said to me "You could be my other Daughter!" Which I found very heartwarming, but that's the emptiness of losing my Mom and feeling like my whole family is gone talking. But, I was more than happy for the kindness. It made me feel less alone. Now, I have this whole branch of a family that I never knew existed, it's a lot to take in. I'm finding myself wondering if I should look up the 2 half brothers. That would be difficult, I'd have to hire someone to research it, as I don't even have names. According to my Dad, "they didn't turn out too well." And that, coming from an abusive alcoholic who has alienated everyone, and has been estranged from his only Daughter and Grandson for over 20 years! So, I'm on the fence about looking for them. Not to mention, do they even know they're adopted. So many thoughts, so many questions, so few options.

Anyway, thanks to Ancestry.com and their 2 week free trial, I have found out about an Aunt & Uncles I didn't know I had, I've managed to search my family tree back to the mid 1800's, and found they immigrated from Germany and Ireland. And thanks to my 'new' Aunt, I've learned I'm not an only child, and that I am 9th cousin to Samuel Houston (who Houston TX was named after), and I am not only German, French & Irish, I'm also Choctaw Indian, and Prussian. All of this information learned in only a few days time. But my mind has been spinning for almost 2 weeks, and I anticipate longer. I thought I knew me, and it turns out, I'm someone else! Now, when someone asks how a German & Irish girl gets so damned tan, I can say that's the Choctaw Indian part showing. (Ironically, my house is full of Native American inspired art, prints by Maija & Marie Buchfink.)

So, now, I get to explore the 'new' me.