Good Riddance to a Bad Decade

It's the last day of the year, and in a few short days I'll also be another year older.

Looking back on the last 10 years, I wish I could say I've enjoyed them all. But, they've been difficult, to say the least.

Over the last decade I have:

Lost my 1st husky, Niki

Became a caretaker to my Mother

Found and then lost one of my greatest loves

Found one of the greatest places to work I've ever had,

Then that place fell apart.

Found what I thought were awesome coworkers and friends

Then found out that they weren't what they seemed

Had 4 knee surgeries

Had 2 other surgeries, one that came with a breast cancer scare

Lost my 2nd Husky Sheba

Put my Mom in a nursing home, and watched her rapidly deteriorate, until she begged me to let her die.....and then carried out her wishes.

Engaged in a battle with my only child over just about everything...and still are at war

Lost my 16 year old Cat, Smokey



A lot of bad stuff, indeed. But, now that this decade is only minutes away and ticking by rapidly, I've decided that all of that bad stuff is now going away. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

So, I've purged my home of many things that I feel are cluttering up my life, in symbolism of ridding myself of what I no longer want or need.

All good, from now on!

So, in practice of this new philosophy, I will start with bringing to the forefront what was good for me in the past decade, in spite of how much was very bad.



I learned TaeKwonDo, and as a result of achieving 3rd degree Black Belt, and 7 State Champ titles, I discovered my potential and my abilities, and learned a whole new concept of confidence and pride.

I found my passion for animal medicine

I found a Husky PUPPY, my sweet angel puppy Maija, who has been the light of my life.
I discovered in the betrayal of some friends, the true friends I do have
I rescued a beautiful, loving, gentle soul, my newest husky, Jax, who is quickly becoming the second light of my life.

I reconnected with old friends on Facebook

I discovered TWITTER, and as a result of my latest addiction, have some of the best twitter family in the world. LOVE YOU GUYS.

I reunited with a childhood neighbor and close friend of my Mom's from when I lived in Chicago, Danny, and his Mom, and visited them in San Antonio, and it moved me to tears to be that close to a piece of the old days when I had a Mom and a Dad. It was like having a little piece of my Mom back.

I learned how to ride a motorcycle, and as a result have a BEAUTIFUL 2007 Night Rod Special that is my biggest obsession to date, which makes me feel indescribably fantastic!
And I've learned what I am NOT and what I don't like or need.


And I've begun to blog, to put my creativity to use, and to help purge my never stopping thoughts from my head, and I hope that it will help me rest from now on.

So, as the decade closes, and I've purged what I no longer want or need from my life...
BE GONE: sadness, lonliness, insecurities, feeling unloved, anger, fear, guilt, anxiety, worries

I ask God, and the Universe for a new decade full of positives.
Happiness
Good Friends
To Love and Be Loved
Health
Financial independence
And a long, and joyful existence
Not just for me, but for all the ones I love and care about on this earth

Let the new decade be good to us all!

Have YOURSELF a Merry little Christmas

Let me first say this: I don't hate Christmas. I am not Scrooge. (I do, however, hate winter.)

Christmas is a wonderful, magical time for many. I'll give you that.
But remember, that for as many of you that enjoy it, there are many that don't, and for good reason.

Think about it...Holidays: family& friends, loved ones, giving, generosity, love. It's all beautiful. IF you have it. Some don't.

For many people the Holidays are a difficult period to have to deal with. Lots of you out there can't wait for the holidays to come around so you can celebrate with those you love. But there are those of us who see the Holidays as something that they can't wait to be over. And that's ok!
Don't try to make us 'cheer up' or 'get over it', or 'lighten up'. Because, you know...if we could, we WOULD! Christmas is a happy time for people who have: Loved ones who care enough about us to make us happy, Loved ones we care enough about to make THEM happy, young children full of joy and awe for the season, and FAMILY they can be close to..
Not everyone has all of that. Hell, some people have NONE of that!

Holidays are especially hard for those of us who have lost loved ones who were very close to us. It doesn't just go away, you don't just get over it. Telling someone to think of the happy times, and honor their memory, because they wouldn't want you to be unhappy, doesn't work. That's all well and good in theory, but let me tell you from personal experience that it doesn't fill the VOID that is left behind. Nothing will. We will get over it our own way, and in our own time.
Don't oversimplify solutions for us, it borders on condescension. Don't you think that if it was really that simple, we would just DO it? Trust me, no one WANTS to feel this bad. But handing out advice isn't going to help, it only makes us feel more dysfunctional and broken.

For some, the holidays are a time of GRIEVING what used to be, because we are bombarded by the 'ideals' (pressure) of family, joy, & happiness this time of year unlike any other. And, until we've had enough time to get past it, however much time that might be, just tell us you love us, and let us ask you for help if we WANT it. Ok? We love our friends for wanting to help us, but please let us do our own grieving in our own time and don't make us feel guilty for not living up to your expectations or standards, thank you.

Ghosts and Skeletons

Personal Inventory

I'm making my own list and checking it twice!
The year is drawing to a close, and so another birthday looms as well.
I've decided to take stock of my personal traits as I see them, and try to make sure the good list is the longer one!


The Good

Passionate
Loving
Enthusiastic
Cconfident, sometimes
Perfectionist
Loyal to a fault
Animal lover
Generous
Giving
Understanding
Caring
Tolerant
Good at advice
Contemplative
Smart
Witty
Funny
Talkative
Articulate
Intuitive
Active
Intense
People pleaser
Adventurous
Creative/Artistic
Industrious
I think I'm a pretty good cook :)

The bad

Impatient
Short fused, sometimes very short!
Demanding/needy
Enthusiasm makes me seem full of myself
Often insecure
Perfectionism=Too high standards
I don’t give my whole self easily
Over think everything
Sometimes a smart ass
Sometimes I talk too much
Intuitiveness leads to bad vibes from some people
Friends can’t usually keep up with me
People interpret my intensity & contemplativeness (don't think that's a word lol) wrong
Sometimes I need to learn to say no

The Ugly (sometimes ugly for me, sometimes for others)

Sometimes mistrusting
I can be loud
Self deprecating
Far too hard on myself
Insecure
Potty mouth :(
My over-tolerance explodes after too much
I’m not good at self advice
My mind never stops thinking
I sometimes tell people too much
Can be antisocial if I have bad vibes about someone
Can’t sit still, even on crutches
My intensity makes people think look angry
I almost never totally relax
Neurotic
In the course of people pleasing, I get taken advantage of far too often
I'm a moody artistic type


As the years go by I'd like to think that I'm getting better, and even knocking something off the bad list, and adding to the good. Sometimes I think that I'm succeeding. But sometimes I'm afraid I've added something to the bad one! I believe that as I have aged, I've become more understanding, but sometimes I fear that I'm becoming much less tolerant of things.
Just some thoughts to ponder, and some stuff to work on. :)

Life is a roller coaster ride

Life is like a roller coaster ride. For some, it’s the training wheels type, like you find at kiddie land. And for others it’s the please do not attempt if you have a heart condition, and hang on to your stomach contents with all your might kind. Mine is the latter.

For a while I thought that maybe I could be bi-polar. And I suppose, if there are degrees of bi-polar disorder, maybe I do have a little bit of it. But I don’t have the several days of sleepless, manic top of the world highs, nor do I have the I refuse to get out of bed for several days lows. I have degrees of those, however. I’ll have a sunny, good weathered day, where I crank up the tunes and feel like everything is going to go my way. Then I have the I’m too tired to care, would rather stay under the covers, pissed off at the world kind of day. Does that make me bi-polar? Me, I think I just have too much crap on my plate happening all at once to get over in a reasonable amount of time.

“Happy” people have their ups and downs, but on a much more level plane. It’s easy for them to say just get over it already, think positive, it’ll all be ok, look at the bright side of what you have. All very sound advice….for a person NOT struggling with major fucking issues. Can I just say this: When you say all those things to a person struggling to make it through something bad, if they’re depressed, none of those things help…in fact it’s just a reminder of how other people are probably looking down on you and don’t want to be around you because you’re annoying to them and your problems don’t matter, and so you should just isolate yourself from them. (And it’s ok that your problems don’t matter…you don’t expect everyone to feel like you feel…because you know that no one does and no one can.)

And yes, there are medications…and no, it is not a sign of weakness if you take them…but also, sometimes, they don’t work well enough if the situation you are in doesn’t ever get better and the only option you have is to get out of it, but that isn’t possible right now, or anytime in the near future. So your ups are great, but the downs just keep going further down. Ups and downs, cascading inside your mind…down and up and down again, up and down and round again. Enjoy the ups when they come, because sometimes the downs only come back up half way, then plunge even further than before. One step forward, two steps back. (Pink song…put one foot wrong, and I’m gonna fall, somebody gets it, somebody gets it, just one foot wrong and I’m gonna fall,..all the lights are one, but I’m in the dark, who’s gonna find me? Just one foot wrong, you’ll have to love me when I’m gone.)

So, you learn to enjoy the ups while they’re there. And hang on tight to the lows and wait for the rebound…if it comes.
The silence scares me ‘cause it screams the truth. If you know what the problem is, and you know there’s little or nothing you can do to fix it now, all there is to do is wait it out and keep reminding yourself that there is better than this.
(More Pink… “When it's good, then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again
Broken down in agony just tryin to find a friend”)


Frozen Winter, Cold Heart - Sharon 12/6/09

I am not the me I used to be
Too much disappointment and unhappiness is all I see
So I try to fill my days with things that bring me joy
Like motorcycle rides and buying huskies new toys
But deep down, inside, I know they’re just ‘things’
Material goods cannot give my heart wings
Lonely, dark, cold winter is settling in
And my heart is hardening from within
Next year will get better, I say to myself
But winter is like the loneliest cell in hell
Like a Desert Rose frozen in the snow
I am lying in wait for spring below

The open wound she hides
She just keeps it bundled up
And never lets it show
She can't take much more of this
But she can't let it go
And that's ok, she don't want the world

All the things she says
While he's just lying there
Without someone to hear her cry
She slips off into a dream
About a place to hide
And that's ok, she don't want the world

This love she feels
Everything she's ever known
Or ever thought was real
Seems like it's been thrown away
Now how's she gonna live
It's ok, she don't want the world

Those words he never spoke
Haunt her life, the memories
Of all the times before
She tried to show him love
While he would only ask for more
But it's ok, she don't want the world

Softly in her sleep
Pictures of the life she's longing
For slowly appear
She's seen them all before
But somehow never quite this clear
She just smiles, she don't want the world

This love she feels
Everything she's ever known
Or ever thought was real
Seems like it's been thrown away
Now how's she gonna live
It's ok, she don't want the world

A brand new morning shines
As she wakes up alone again
This time to face the day
She swears there's time to make it
As she simply walks away
And it's ok, she don't want the world

(3 Doors Down)

The Window To My Soul

Sharon - 12/3/09

Still waters run deep, So do people
I’ve always been good at holding it all together
But the older I get the more I have to hold
Suck it up, keep it in, it could be worse
But it could be so much better

Just what does a ‘breakdown’ consist of? This I do not know.
What I do know is I feel suffocated, can’t breathe
Paralyzed, unable to extricate myself from this situation
Terrified of the next move, but I know it has to come
Give up, walk away, put it all behind you, just LEAVE

Sob myself to sleep, wake up with eyes swollen closed
Eye cream, makeup, cold packs, take away the evidence
My brave face is what the outside world always sees
Hide it all, show no one, keep it all inside
I am a master at camouflage and outward appearance

But after I’ve cried, the eyes don’t lie
Tears wash away the filter, and the whole world can see
Inside, behind, into my mind and beyond to my soul
Emotional nudity, exposed to everyone
The window to my soul lies open, and what you see is me.